disclaimer, I don't own Naruto, of course.
Pull The Trigger
Chapter 2
-
He arrived at school way too early which was convenient because this way he had the chance to wash up in the locker rooms before going to class. He had been feeing like a zombie walking to school, like a corpse, just not in control of his body anymore. His feet had taken him here without stopping. He still felt it: the caresses from last night, the heat. It had been so different.
The cold water in his face wakes him up. Breathing hard he looks into the mirror and discovers a faded mark on his neck. He scowls. What was he thinking leaving marks like that, little shit. But then, it's not entirely Naruto's fault either, Sasuke thinks. It's his fault as well, for not knowing boundaries, just for letting it happen like it did.
From outside, the school noises start to grow louder. It's time for him to go and pretend. One last time he slides his hand over the mark, then pulls his shirt over it.
-
Suigetsu and Karin aren't easily fooled. They notice his shabby appearance at once.
'Jeez, you look even more shit than usual. Had a rough night?' Suigetsu shouts when he's approaching them.
'Shut up idiot, Sasuke never looks like shit.' Karin replies angrily as he smacks him on the head.
She smiles at him and arches her back but Sasuke can see he doubt in her eyes, the confusion, rage? It bothers him to see that, because how could she think she has the right? He has never let her believe that he's interested in her, hasn't ever misled her like that, and still she thinks of him as her property.
'Whatever Karin, I say he looks like a man who didn't get to see his bed last night.'
Sasuke looks at Karin from the corner of his eye. Inside he smiles ruthlessly and doesn't deny it. He sees the girl's eyes widen and her mouth turn into one fine line. She looks away again and tries to regain her cool.
'Fuck it, I'm gonna smoke.' she says and then leaves in a hurry, long strides. Boys watch her go because, well apart from being a terrible bitch, she's really quite pretty.
-
During lunch Sasuke notices Naruto as an angry presence in his shadow. He avoids looking at him directly but he catches his sight from the corners of his eyes more than often. There is a frown on his face, confusion in his eyes. He's staring at him, playing with his food instead of eating it.
When the bell goes to announce the end of break, Sasuke sees him get up. They almost meet at the wide doorway. Naruto stands there, mouth half open and eyes on the ground, as if he's trying to say something. But Sasuke walks by him in, hands in his pockets.
They don't see each other again until P.E., which is Sasuke' last hour. He always stays late because undressing in front of others is strange for him, he has so much to hide. Only sometimes does he reveal the bruises and cuts on his body, but only for a moment. Throwing a shirt back on and then getting out as fast as he can. He never had any problems before.
The steam from the showers has almost all disappeared but the air stays a little humid. You can taste soap if you stick out your tongue. Sasuke's head whips up when he hears the door open. Naruto walks in, eyes on the ground, looking a little lost.
'Hey.' He says in a defeated voice.
Sasuke just stands there for a second, not really knowing what to do. His hands freeze on the hem of his shirt. Water leaks from the points of his hair onto the grey t-shirt, creating dark little spots. He scowls in the awkward silence.
'I just, wanted to talk to you about… You know…'
Naruto struggles to say the it. For once his big mouth abandons him, leaving him here at loss for words. His hands are buried deep within the pockets of his trousers.
'The thing is, you hurt me. And I don't feel like forgiving you for it.'
This last thing comes out more resolute than the rest. Sasuke knows what he means. Naruto is the kind of person who likes waking up with someone, he's sweet like that but also a little naïve. Sasuke stubbornly keeps the silence. He just keeps putting his clothes on without even looking at the boy pouring his heart out to him.
'I think about kissing you sometimes, anywhere, and I have to fight really hard not to. Don't you ever think of kissing me?' He asks hesitantly.
Naruto's ignored by the other which is fucking painful, he thinks, because here he is, laying bare his soul for him and that arrogant prick won't even honour him with an answer. Perhaps that's why through clenched teeth he says the next cruel words.
'Your brother comes around after school a lot, you're lucky to have him pick you up, that's really considerate of him, but you never look too happy to see him. I know a look of fear when I see it, Sasuke. Back at Gravings some of the kids have looks like that. They came from bad homes mostly, sick, malnourished, abused… '
The sentence is not finished but angrily interrupted by Sasuke who finally looks at him now. Eyes on fire with rage and betrayal.
'OK, so you know how fucking ruined I am!'
Almost immediately after he's said it, Naruto regrets it, wishing he could take back the words just to make that heartbreaking expression disappear from Sasuke's face.
'I'm sorry I didn't me-'
'Yes you did.' Sasuke says desperately trying to keep a cool appearance.
'You meant it.'
He paces around the room for a few seconds before furiously ripping open the door and storming out heading for the sports field. Naruto follows, obviously. He practically has to jog to catch up with the angry strides. The sky is dotted with big clouds, coloured orange and pink by the setting sun. The October wind is blowing fiercely across the football pitch.
'I'm sorry alright!' Naruto shouts at him from the other side.
'It's just that when I'm around you, or when I have to speak to you, it's not really me who says the words. No, wait, it is but what I mean is that I'm like a spectator in my own head. I don't have much control, see.'
Sasuke has stopped in the middle of the field. The wind is whipping his hair about, those fine streaks of ink. He looks beautifully chaotic, emotion etched on his usually blank face. Naruto sucks in his breath at the sight and reduces his voice to a whisper.
'I wanted to hurt you like you hurt me. I know that hat's not fair and not right, but I couldn't help it. You kind of bring out the worst in me.'
Stepping closer now, Sasuke can see that their exactly the same height. His eyes meet those blue ones head on, and it's a spectacular clash. Naruto inches forward with his face, still not touching but just tasting the air there with his lips. Unconsciously his hands anchor themselves in Sasuke's jacket.
'I really, honestly fight to keep from kissing you sometimes…' He whispers so softly that maybe it wasn't meant for anyone to hear.
Sasuke can feel where this is going, he sees the lust in those blue eyes, the want, and he recognizes it. Shocked and scared as hell he backs away, tearing loose. He turns around, breathing heavily, like he has just run a mile.
He mutters the words 'Just leave me alone.' and walks down the pitch, leaving Naruto by himself under the stormy sky.
When he's on the bus later and he thinks about what he saw he realizes that maybe it wasn't exactly familiar. He knows how Itachi looks at him, and now he knows how Naruto does, but there is a faint difference between the two. He can't really put his finger on it. Maybe the main difference is just the fact that when Naruto looks at him he doesn't feel the need to flee. It's not a predatory glance. It's a look that says: 'I don't want or care about others, only you, only now.' He shyly admits that somewhere, deep down to the core where there's still some unspoiled piece of 'him' left, he kind of likes this look.
-
A week goes by before Sasuke looses it. Every after school class they've had together since that unfortunate thing happened. he's been anxious. There's been a tension in the classroom that felt heavy in the cool winter air. Naruto didn't smile anymore and even his pen scribbles recently sound angry.
On the seventh day Sasuke wanders the streets, not fully aware that he's looking for him. It's just a though in his head, but he hasn't really considered it. It's just little voice saying:
So what if we were looking for him?
School is over, it's almost 5, Naruto is long gone. Like in the last few days he hasn't voluntarily been in the same room with him for more than a minute. These day's the sound of the school bell is always accompanied by the sound of his footsteps leading away through the corridors. Sasuke had lingered around the buss stop, deliberately missing the first buss. He's walked the same street up and down three times now and when the second bus arrived half an hour later he dug up some change and paid for a ticket. Choosing which stop to get off of at, proved to be a big decision. It was one or the other. Face Itachi or Naruto.
Eventually he's chosen the lesser of the two evils. Although calling Naruto evil would be like calling a amoeba threatening.
Now it's starting to rain slightly. Painting the world in a slightly darker hue. It's a drizzle in which Sasuke can't see farther than the next street corner, only the painfully bright neon light are visible in the blur. The reason he's here is because he distinctly remembers Naruto talking about his job at a noodle bar around in this neighbourhood. So what he does is peek through every little shop window in the street hoping to catch a glance at the interior and the people.
There are a lot of very small dingy bar's and café's on each side of the street, but only one or two where you could actually get a cup of noodles. He crosses one street and walks past a little alley on his right. There is one thing that makes him stop and take a look, the clanging of the lid of a garbage bin being thrown on the ground. It could have been a cat, but it's not.
It's Naruto hauling a huge garbage bag on his back. He struggles with it for a second and then drops it inside the container. The he ducks to pick up the lid and as he gets up again his eyes catch the figure spying on him.
'Sasuke?'
Mustering up all his courage Sasuke opens his mouth to voice the words that have been floating through his head all week long when he is brusquely interrupted.
'What the fuck are you doing here?'
Naruto waits for an answer, pinning Sasuke with accusing blue eyes, but when he figures out that he won't get one, he relaxes his shoulders, turns around to open the back door to a restaurant, and whispers in a barely audible voice:
'Whatever, let's go inside.'
Inside it's dark, but also at least dry and warm. The smoke in the air obscures his vision, although this doesn't matter very much because, Sasuke suspects, there isn't much to see. It's a restaurant, maybe more like a café.
Naruto finds his way back to where the kitchen must be. The door is open and it seems a little lighter in there. A moment later he leans outside again and shouts down the corridor:
'Are you coming?'
He sounds slightly pissed still. Sasuke follows him. The room is lit by bright tubular lights, which reveal it to be a kitchen after all. It's a rather large kitchen for a shabby place like this. The air smells faintly like noodles, although there isn't anything cooking at the moment. Naruto putts a new garbage bag in the bin and asks him:
'So, what do you want?'
He leans against the counter, rolling up his sleeves before shoving his hands in his pockets. He looks at the floor in silent anger. Sasuke doesn't know what to say, he's never been good with saying sorry, he never felt like he had to before. It never really mattered. But now here he is, with this weight on his shoulders and all he knows is that there used to be this boy who looked at him, and who cared for what he said, who now doesn't anymore.
He just wants it all back.
'I…look I just. I have to…'
He suffers as he tries to get the words right, to get them out of his throat at all. Naruto looks at him and there is a hint of amusement in his eyes, but also that cold resolute shine, telling him to go to hell. Sasuke figures words aren't his forte and he steps up, right in front of him and places his hands on Naruto's ears. They stay like this for a second, breathing each others breath. Just when Naruto opens his mouth to say something Sasuke takes the dive and kisses him forcibly on his mouth. His way of saying sorry.
Naruto raises up his arms in defence. They seem trapped between their bodies. He wriggles out of the grip and pushes the other against his shoulders. Sasuke stumbles back and falls against the counter, knocking his elbow.
'I'm working asshole.' Naruto says, but there is a sudden fondness in his voice that wasn't there before.
His eyes look softer now. Sasuke throws an meaningful glance at the empty restaurant. He raises one mocking eyebrow, and smirks.
'Alright, fine. I'm still not gonna take you back.'
After that it's silent for a while. Naruto starts getting out pots and boiling water. They both seem in trapped in their own thoughts. Maybe it's because they've both just realized that they just shared a first kiss. And what kind: forced, awkward, guilty, if everything between them is going to be like that then it might be a good idea to call it off now, to just go back and forget.
But also like a lot of things between them the kiss was, passionate, inevitable and sincere, so perhaps, Sasuke thinks, coming here was fine after all.
-
The following days go by smoothly for some reason. The hours have no meaning except for those short times that he sees Naruto, in the hallway maybe, or the canteen, or even outside at the school gate.
He doesn't see Itachi anymore. When he silently sneaks into his room (although the apartment is completely empty but for him) the bed is cold, it hasn't been slept in for days. This makes Sasuke's heart do weird things. It starts beating like crazy when he thinks that maybe he's not coming back, of fear and exhilaration that is. Fear mostly though, because what is he without him?
Because of the lack of food in the kitchen cupboard and presence he's often pushed towards the direction of Naruto's noodle bar. He never really sets out with as end point the bar, but he sort of just always ends up there. Wandering the neighbourhood until he's finally done with mentally scolding himself and has gathered up enough courage to just walk in. When he does there's always Naruto waiting there with this smug smile on his face like knew about the internal struggle all along, but behind that there always another smile, one that's grateful and shy and touching. He says hello and pours him a cup of soup, and when it's not busy he sits on the counter and they chat about simple things. And if after that, Sasuke sometimes spends the night in Naruto's cramp and noisy room then that's only because he's too tired to take the buss back to his place again.
But things aren't always simple between them. Hell, most of the time they're not. Most of the time it's Naruto who brings up something that Sasuke would rather have left alone, and they fight and argue. Sasuke says mean things to Naruto that he really wants to say, and Naruto says mean things to Sasuke that he doesn't want to say but that he does anyway, because he can't keep his mouth shut.
After that they're silent, but at least Sasuke doesn't run away anymore. He just locks his lips, starts brooding. He waits for Naruto to get concerned and apologize, he never has to wait long.
-
Tonight is one of those night when Naruto wants to talk. They're in his shabby room in Gravings Orphanage. The rain beats down against the window, creating a constant murmur in the background. It's a comforting sound than drains out the creaking of the floor in the hallway and the scuffling of rats in the attic. Sasuke has a cigarette between his lips, his back is against the wall, his knees are drawn up, covered by the sheets. Naruto lays on his stomach next to him, his head is rested in his folded arms, eyes closed, but Sasuke can't see that.
'Who was your first?' Naruto whispers in the dark, his voice slightly muffled by the heavy sheets.
He gets no answer, but that's alright because he doesn't ever expect one. The boy exhaling smoke into the atmosphere is never talkative. His answers always have to be dragged out of him. Sometimes Naruto goes through the trouble to do just that but not now. They're both tired, it's cold and dark, except for the moonlight painting figures of shadows on the floor. He only wants a little intimacy, some connection, he doesn't need answers for that. Just to have him be there and listening is enough. He can count on him to do that, listen, always could.
'I knew mine here. He slept in the room across the hall to the left. It's empty now.' He sighs.
'His name was Gaara, he was seventeen at the time, I was thirteen. I guess he was a little like you.'
This catches Sasuke's attention, he glances at him with one dark eye while his fingers play with the cigarette. He slightly raises one eyebrow. The small gesture makes Naruto laugh. He turns all the way now, lying on his back, resting on his elbows.
'Honestly. He never talked either.'
'I do talk.' Sasuke mutters annoyed.
'Of course you do.'
Naruto smiles with his eyes. He waves his hands though the smoke curling its way to the ceiling. His arm is grabbed by the wrist. Sasuke grips him softer than usual and drags his own hand towards the other's, knotting their fingers.
'Thirteen is very young.'
Naruto knows that he's trying to prove him wrong by speaking his mind for once. They're not looking at each other. He shrugs his shoulders, the bed creaks.
'I wanted it myself.'
This time the answer comes quickly, and it's coated with an angry hiss.
'How could you know what you wanted at thirteen.'
Naruto sits up and pulls his hand loose. He covers his naked shoulders with the covers and puts his hand on the side of Sasuke's face. They burn the skin there. With his other hand he robs the cigarette from the other's fingers and throws it on the floor.
'I wasn't forced or anything.' He whispers, 'don't' worry.'
'I don't', Sasuke argues in a sharp voice.
He pulls away brusquely from the hand on his face and combs his fingers through his hair. He sees Naruto pull an ugly face, sees his mouth shape into that resolute line he knows so well. Because despite from being a soft guy, sad but determent and trying, he has quite a temper.
Naruto sighs and holds still for about a second, then out of nowhere he grabs him by the shoulders and pushes him down onto the bed, straddling him, and wrestling him down. Sasuke resists for a while, throwing weak punches and pushing at the body on his stomach until they're both breathing loud in the silent room. He stops his struggling and rests his arms beside him. He forces himself to look calm but his muscles are braced.
'Give up?' Naruto asks between breaths.
Because Sasuke doesn't say anything and just stares at him much like an angry six-year-old would, Naruto sniggers.
'You're such a dick sometimes.' He says.
He leans forward a little and inspects the midnight colour of Sasuke's eyes, his pale skin, the mole under his jaw. His hands starts to wander towards that immortally beautiful face like he can't control them. He needs to feel the texture of the lips, the ridge of the nose. He needs to assure himself that what he sees really is substantial, and not just some twisted dream of his.
As always, when Naruto looks at him like that, Sasuke's throat closes up. He moves his arm towards the other's shoulder and flicks him off his stomach in one fluid motion, right on the empty space beside him where the bed creaks and the sheets rustle. Then he turns his back to him and mutters: 'Go to sleep.'
-
As autumn steadily grows colder and the days get shorter, Sasuke is finding it harder to keep his head in class during school hours. There is always the restlessness. The feeling of being in a caged with a lion and standing with your back towards the animal. The threat in the back corners of his mind where he always wants to look over his shoulder to see if his brother is there. His absence of late has made him even more paranoid. It feels like he could pop up at every turn and street he walks. But apart from this ever present discomfort there is also the fluttery feeling in his stomach.
He adamantly refuses to call it butterflies.
The bell announces the beginning of their history lesson. Their teacher called Ibiki is a grumpy man with a heavy voice. He's an ex soldier, and likes to boast it. Karin sits next to him. She has he hands crossed over her chest, a fruity lip-gloss clutched in her fist. Suigetsu at her side, sniggering constantly at the poor people in front of him.
Ibiki is interrupted mid sentence when the door flings open and Naruto peeks in. He stutters embarrassedly for a moment but then Ibiki shoots him a 'get on with it or I'll kick you in the brain'-glance.
'Um Mr. Izumo asks if I can borrow your copy-card Mr. Ibiki.' He asks in a little voice.
The latter bends over the table and starts rummaging about in his bag (army pattern), then he flings him a little plastic card. Naruto catches it easily but just stands there looking a little lost.
'I don't know how to use it.'
Ibiki sighs and waves for Sasuke to stand up.
'Help this ignorant boy out Uchiha, so I can get back to the causes of the second world war.'
Surprised but willing, Sasuke stands up and moves towards the door where Naruto waits in the opening, an expression on his face not entirely readable. Karin notices and frowns. In the corridor with the door shut and a noisy school-silence around them, Naruto uses his normal voice again.
'who was the punk Barbie doll on your left?'
'Her name's Karin.'
Naruto nods his head.
'She a friend?'
'I don't have any friends.' Sasuke says, at which he receives an accusing punch to the shoulder.
'I'm your friend, dickhead.' Naruto says in a mock-hurt voice.
'No you're not.'
Naruto stops in his tracks.
'What? Of course I'm your friend!'
They enter the copy room, Sasuke first, Naruto follows after him, there's still a bewildered expression of his face. He opens his mouth and then shuts it again, looking for words, imitating a fish. Meanwhile Sasuke has popped in the copy card and has pressed the button for 35 copies. The pleasant buzz the machine emits seems to awaken Naruto from his thoughts. He violently pushes the other against the wall. Sasuke bangs his head against a metal bookcase, he groans.
'What the-'
'Fine, if I'm not your friend I want to be your lover.' Naruto says in his face, short and to the point.
Sasuke looks at him incredulously. Before almost shouting in his face:
'No way!'
'Well we fuck don't we? So technically we are!'
Sasuke is stupefied. Yes, so they fuck, that doesn't mean there is anything. They're not in a relationship, they're not dating. They're certainly not lovers.
'Fine if it's such a big deal to you, then I guess we're friends.' He eventually says to get him to shut up.
Naruto averts his eyes and leans against the copy machine. The sunlight, filtered by the yellow blinds, hits his face and turns his eyelashes bright blond. He looks sad and small like a child. But then he breathes out silently and raises his head, no signs of turmoil on his face.
'Are you sleeping at mine tonight?' He asks innocently.
-
When he gets the apartment he's happy to see that his brother isn't back yet. His coat's gone, and his money. Sasuke fixes himself a meal out of rice, tomato sauce and old bread before going over to Naruto's, all the while making a mental shopping list as he goes through the cupboards. They are way too empty.
Going through the pockets of every pair of pants he has, Sasuke puts together all the change he's found, it's not even enough for two days. He's going to have to ask Itachi for money again, if he'll ever be back. A nasty shiver crawls up his spine as he can almost hear his brother whisper the answer in his ear. (Earn it).
Desperate to postpone the inevitable, Sasuke pushes open the door to his brother's bedroom. He forces his eyes away from the bed, and marches to a heavy, white closet. His hands open all the drawers and search the contents. All the way in the back of the last drawer his fingers touch something. Something cold and hard. Sasuke immediately pulls back his hand, as if he burned it.
It takes him a full minute to compose himself enough to reach out for the object again. This time he knows what to find. He doesn't seem surprised as his hand pull forward a sleek silver gun. It shines in the faint light, teasing him.
Then the door slams, and Sasuke's heart stops beating.
-
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