disclaimer, I don't own Naruto, of course.
Pull The Trigger
Chapter 3
--
Then the door slams and Sasuke drops the gun. It falls to the ground, making a soft thud on the grey carpet. He's panicking now and kicks the gun under the bed. His eyes immediately fall on the open drawers. He jumps forward trying to close them before they're noticed but he's already too late.
'What are you doing?' Itachi asks and his voice makes his spine freeze up and go numb.
He stands there in the room, guilty, caught like a deer in the headlights. His hands drop back to hang limply by his sides.
'I need money.' His voice is uncertain and soft. He hates it like that. He hates how Itachi can make it sound like that.
His brother sighs. From out of his pockets he takes a bundle of wrinkled banknotes held together by a rubber band. He picks a few off, and puts the rest back in the pocket. Sasuke can't tear his eyes away from the money.
Itachi holds out the cash to him. Not knowing what to think, Sasuke doesn't act. He just stares at the hand, and then up at his brother's black eyes. They're mocking him. As soon as he reaches out to get the money, the hand is pulled away. Instead, Itachi gives him one of his most cruel (beautiful) smiles and puts it on the night stand.
Then he takes place on the bed. He grabs Sasuke's arm and pulls him down next to him. Sasuke struggles weakly against the heavy weight on his chest, but he's just not strong enough.
'I did not like at all what you did last time. Can you remember?'
Yes he can remember, it's plagued his mind ever since. Breaking a plate over his brother' head. knew he was out of line, he knew he was going to get 'punished' for it somehow.
'Little whore.'
Itachi's breath grows more laboured as his hand start to simultaneously push up Sasuke's shirt and pull down his pants.
'You're so beautiful.'
That's enough. He wants to go and hide his head under Naruto's sheets, in the back of his neck. He wants to be there and secretly play with his blond hair as he sleeps.
But Itachi gets what he wants, he always does. He's the eldest, does that mean he has the right? Right now, he murmurs sweet things in Sasuke's ear that make him feel sick, words that urge him to throw up.
Like always, Sasuke closes his eyes tight shut, and bites his teeth. He endures.
-
He's telling his limbs to stop shaking, willing his fingers to quit trembling. The soft sheets caressing his skin feel like snakes coiling under him. The sharp pain has receded to a dull present ache which might be even worse. With his head not clouded by the hurt anymore, full waves of self-pity -loathing and disgust threaten to choke him. He picks himself together and sits up throwing his head in his hands.
'Oh God.'
He's fighting so hard to keep the harsh sobbing back in the safe container, his chest. It feels like being scraped out from the inside, filling up with blood and then drowning on it. He scrambles to a sit and pulls his trousers back up with a red face. The embarrassment is perhaps more painful than the sting.
Itachi is stumbles around in the bathroom. He hears him open the cabinets and turn on the shower. Standing there, half-naked and hurt in his brothers room Sasuke feels the bile rise in his throat and falls to his knees, vomiting up the meagre dinner he had before. He drops his head to the floor and bites his lip too hard. The tangy metallic taste of blood covers the nasty taste of puke but just barely.
His left hand on the carpet discover a cold smooth surface. He turns his head and is faced with the shiny metal of a gun. It blinks and shimmers at him like some magic mirror. It's not scary, or hostile but only inviting. Sasuke's fingers curl around the shape, they touch the smoothness with an ease of someone who has touched guns before.
The weight is comfortably familiar in his hand, like a trusting friend, it whispers to him and sends a pleasant tingling of control and power up his arm.
Sasuke heaves himself of his two legs. He has to hold his hand on his sore side, it's already bruising and turning a nasty shade of purple. The gun hangs from his fingers like an extended part of himself. With shaking hands he checks the magazine. 3 little steel bullets peek back at him. They're smiling.
It's now or too late. He feels as if all his life he has been waiting and preparing for this very moment. It's as if god himself had just changed his mind about him. "Oh, by the way, I haven't given up on you yet. Have this, show your worth, fight for your justice." Fight he will, for his justice, his truth, his revenge.
His steps on the carpet are muted but suddenly very sure. Breathing calmly he opens the door, crosses the hall and pushes open the bathroom door, gun still clenched securely in his fist.
The bathroom is filled with water vapour, misty like his head. Sasuke can't think straight but he can feel, wishes he wouldn't, and that's enough to make him lift his arm. The shower is on, his brother standing under the spray, so beautiful it's unfair.
'Itachi' he says in a voice that, for once, is entirely his own, hurt, hoarse and broken, like his voice when he was 7 years old. That day when his life as he knew it was gone and the nightmare was about to begin.
All this he keeps in his head as his eyes glaze over, hard, full of hate. Itachi turns and his face shows surprise and shock. He must have seen the tear-streaked face of his brother with the ugly sneer for a mouth. He must have seen how completely revolting he's made him. He must have seen the gun in his face.
'I fucking hate you.'
Bang.
-
"There you go, good boy. You've done it now, it was about time. See how he falls? It's because he was wonderful once, a very long time ago, but still, falling from such a reputation guarantees a smack. But all that doesn't matter now, it falls away and is washed down the drain. It's meaningless , because this was the point where it stops, or starts again, or dies, whatever you want. You can breath again, close you eyes and when you open them it'll be a new you. If you don't want to be who you used to be than you don't have to. Just let it slip. Step out of your skin like a snake. That was why you did it right? To step out of your skin?"
-
The first things he notices are the noise and the red flickering lights he can see through the bathroom window, but it takes a while for him to really realize they're there. It's as if he's surrounded by clouds. They make everything seem far away and softer. But then when he wakes from his trance with a start the noise sounds much louder than it is. Amplified as if it were. The front door is kicked open and in seconds he hears them storm the house. The first one stops abruptly when he sees him. He shouts something back and then approaches. No doubt he has seen the gun on the floor, maybe the blood as well.
'Right then, stay on the floor. It's going to be okay.' the police officer tells him, as if he's a nervous horse.
Sasuke laughs at that. 'Yeah, everything is fine now, I made sure of that! You came about a year too late.' He thinks. His laugh is interrupted by the heavy body pressing him to the floor. Awfully familiar. It's the same police officer that said it was 'going to be alright', fucking liar.
Sasuke's no threat. He cuffed and hauled to his feet with brute force. A big hand on his back pushes him into the living room while the man's mouth is talking away to some others that now stand in the room looking a little lost. They had been expecting resistance, an armed gang, the mafia, maybe even some 'gangstas'. All they see now is a teenage kid, way too thin, way too sick looking, with an expression on his face too troubled for a boy his age.
He sees them looking at him. They're thinking the thoughts any normal person would think if they saw the bloody scene in the bathroom or the little white pills on the coffee table. It really is a shame that no one knows the truth behind it.
Whatever happens after that he can't remember very well. It was all sort of blurry and strange. He thinks he saw something when the officers forced him out of the apartment. He thinks he saw Naruto's blue eyes in the glass elevator door. But of course that would have been unlikely.
-
The large building doesn't go unnoticed by Sasuke's nervous eyes. He ties not to let it get to him, but he can't help his heart speeding up and his hands going clammy. Juvie is not nice. He's heard the stories and he's read all the flyers. It's a place of rules, routine and rigidness.
When the sleek black car stops in front of they grey wall, it doesn't seem so bad. There are no metal bars and no fences with barbed wire. It's not a prison, it's a place were they correct young delinquents and help them become productive members of society…
The man escorting him, dressed in a black suit, grabs his shoulder and pushes him towards the heavy door with just a little more force than would have been necessary. The door is opened by a gloomy looking man who mumbles a greeting and points them in the direction of the largest building. This building is built of red bricks and stands out in the courtyard. You can see that it's the oldest construction. The high wall and the barracks are all built out of the same grey concrete and black wood, they don't look very old, maybe 10 years tops.
The inside of the red building proves Sasuke's right. A big old hallway with high ceilings and glass doors. Though it's adapted to its current function of course, a moody looking secretary is typing her life away at a white desk. She lures at them from under her glasses but otherwise ignores them. Until the man in the suit clears his throat.
'Uchiha Sasuke, he has an appointment with Mr. Sarutobi.'
'Mr. Sarutobi is busy right now, you can wait there in the meantime.'
The secretary gives him a haughty look and sends him to a room on her right with her index finger. They sit down and wait for a total of four seconds before a frail old man walks in and greets them, shaking both their hands. He has a hushed conversation with the man in the suit before finally turning his full attention to Sasuke.
'So, will you follow me please.'
The old man's office is beautiful but badly lit. The curtains are half drawn but the little strip of daylight that does manage to slip in is grey. The view outside is discouraging. A sombre courtyard, 5 long barracks, each little building with a painted green door, and in the distance a soccer field and some trees. The entire scene is covered in a pale fog.
'Please be seated. I've called one of the instructors, he'll show you around the premises later on and explain a few of the rules here, but first I want you to listen for a bit. You see, you're case is a little of a mystery. The police told me your drug test was negative, there was no motive, nothing that could have made you do what you did.'
Sasuke has heard enough, starts to zone out. He's already turned the little button in his brain. He hasn't told anyone, and isn't planning to.
'You are very lucky your brother was still alive when we found him.'
Sasuke clenches his hands, bites his teeth. Fate is laughing at him.
'He would have died if the police hadn't arrived when they did. It was very fortunate that they were in the neighbourhood.'
Mr. Sarutobi breathes out and the sheets on his desk rustle. He puts the pen he's holding in a glass jar and folds his hands on his stomach, leaning backwards to study him properly.
'Why did you shoot brother, if I may ask?'
Of course Sasuke doesn't respond. He's been asked this question for about a million times. They shouted it at him, demanded it, they begged him to say, they even tried to comfort him. The good cop, bad cop, whatever cop. He hasn't spoken a word. It's weird that they gave him such a mild punishment. He hasn't behaved but then again, he's got no record and no motive, they don't know what to do with him.
So here he is now, juvenile delinquent. Detained.
'Fine, it's okay if you won't answer me. You'll answer to your therapist. It's compulsory, though in your case quite necessary I believe.'
The heavy silence after that is quickly interrupted by two knocks on the wooden door.
'There he is. Always late…' Sarutobi mumbles before shouting: come in.
The man that enters has grey hair but a young face. He has a broad mouth, slightly upward curving lips that give him permanent grin. He nods to Sarutobi and gives Sasuke a hand. Firm, warm hands.
'This is Kakashi, he's one of the teachers and a guard in this facility. He will show you around and familiarize you with the rules. You can go Kakashi.
-
That day he's introduced to the barracks and the school, the sports field and of course the other inmates. They seem like normal kids, aging from thirteen to eighteen or even nineteen. Their faces are closed and some behave hostile towards him, but most are just indifferent. They have their own little cliques, the people that they feel good with or maybe people that remind them of their old life.
There is a complete hierarchy with Sasuke on the bottom and Zaku and Dosu on top. They are older than he is, at least eighteen and they, Zaku especially, have a temper. Their rotten character could be the only reason why they're on top. People don't particularly fear them, but they do avoid them. It's just best not to get in their business is all.
Sasuke is not nearly weak enough to be a target. For one, he keeps a low profile, he doesn't talk or get in trouble with the big guys. Second, people think he's weird. First day in Juvie, they announced his crime in public. Most of the ones in here are thieves or just rebels or drug dealers, that's why Sasuke stands out.
He picked up a gun and pulled the trigger. He almost took a man's life. There aren't many who are being held for such grave crimes.
The only person Sasuke talks to is Haku, who.. Haku is not even on the hierarchy. He's a special case. Special in such a way that it's a shame to be seen with him, but also in such a way that no one dares to harm him. He's looked at funny. He knows a lot of people, sometimes they're even old acquaintances from before Juvie. He's very smart.
He was the first one who would talk to him. Although Sasuke is also among the few that ever talked back to him. He looks…peculiar. And even that's mild.
There is no doubt that Haku is gorgeous. If he were a girl then guys would be tripping over their feet in the hurry to offer him their seat, but he's not. He has a perfectly oval face with impossibly large, brown eyes. His features are soft and tender, full lips and arching eyebrows, a smooth forehead. He's small and fragile looking with narrow shoulders, but he looks soft and not at all skinny. I you'd put Haku in any room full of pretty girls, he'd still be the most beautiful looking one of all.
When Haku talks it doesn't seem as if he's aware of his remarkable looks. He speaks with pleasant modesty and smiles shyly if he's flattered. He's the sweet one, and Sasuke's only friend.
-
Among the older inmates there is a silent boy with fiery red hair. He is of a medium length with impossibly white skin and icy blue eyes. He stands apart from everyone else, always on his own when they share the courtyard in their free hours. Sasuke asks Haku about him on the third day.
'The hostile looking one? His name's Gaara. You shouldn't bother with him, he's…not friendly.'
Sasuke remembers the name immediately, it comes from before. He hadn't forgotten his conversations with Naruto about love and loss and sex. Still, there might be more than one Gaara. Just to be sure, he asks again.
'Where's he from exactly?'
'Mmm, I think he's from Gravings, an orphanage in the city, just like about 20 percent of the people in here. I tell you, that place brings forth the most criminally insane people you'll ever see.'
So it is that Gaara. Sasuke looks at him again and sees a little bit more. Nervous fingers and shifty eyes. A bitter frown on his childlike face. Red lines peeking out from under his hair. Love it says, written in blood. He shivers.
'I know.' Haku says, and he does.
He feels people and their emotions. He knows about Gaara's sorrow, just like Sasuke does. They both recognized it of his face. The see it in the mirror. Haku whispers the following words for absolutely no one in particular. He says them to himself, never forget this:
'He's very lonely. I'm so lucky not to be like him. Lost like him. I'm so lucky.'
-
'What about you?'
His huge brown eyes shine a million shades in the afternoon sunlight. His face is sweet and curious, clear skin, inquisitive, innocent gaze. Straight, soft brown hair, falling down his shoulders and caressing his face. He tucks the loose strands behind his ears, a very delicate movement.
'Don't you want to go home?'
Sasuke struggles to answer, he really does. There's something about Haku that relaxes him. Though now he can't seem to look him in the eye, so in stead he focuses his gaze on the other's neck. He inspects the shadow where the jaw smoothes into throat.
'I don't know why I would.' He eventually says, although he's not entirely pleased with the answer. It's a little bit of a lie, even if it's one he tells himself.
'Don't you have any precious people?'
Again he can't answer, and this time he doesn't even try. The sun is fading, the sky is still very clear, but the winter is shortening the days. He withdraws deeper into his coat and stares at the empty field in front of him. Haku says nothing, he has such a good feel on people, knowing exactly when to talk and when to laugh, when to ask and when to leave be.
Does he have any precious people? He used to think not. Not anymore at least. They were all robbed from him, or they changed and just… weren't anymore. But that was some time ago. These days his heart may not be empty. And although they're separated, and he hasn't seen him for maybe a month, he's still there, kind of. In his head, and beneath his fingers, and next to him at night.
He sighs, longingly and defeated.
Haku moves on the bench next to him. He ties his hair up and pokes him in the shoulder.
'We've got to go, it's time.'
-
When it's bedtime, and the guard on duty yells at them to get in bed and dims the light, Haku rolls on his side and faces him. Their eyes meet, Sasuke prepares for a serious conversation, because only at night do they all dare reveal a little bit. Except maybe for Haku himself, who is open 24/7.
'Do you remember what I asked you before? About precious people?'
Sasuke nods slightly.
'You seem like a very strong person Sasuke, a good one too. But I believe that you can only be truly strong, down to the core, if you're protecting your precious someone.'
He says this all with vivid determinacy. Stubborn, brown eyes glistening in the scarce light. Sasuke can see that with all his might, Haku clings to this statement.
'You're full of shit.'
Haku smiles at that, widely first but then his smile fades a little, it stays glued on his angel-face though. It even resonates through the next thing he says:
'You have a very foul mouth. But I think that you could be formidable with your precious someone. That's what I think.'
-
About 4 days after that, upon coming outside and filling his lungs with the fresh, icy air, he's greeted by an abnormal amount of noise, all coming from one corner of the courtyard. He stands in the doorway a moment, not knowing what to do. A small crowd is forming, people are yelling. Finally making up his mind he walks forward and makes his way to where it's happening.
Everything after that happens really fast and kind of slow at the same time. Looks, and images are stretched, more intense, but everyone seems to be moving faster than usual.
The first he sees, is a blur of navy blue and skin. Two kids are fighting it out on the pavement. One of the two, a large boy with brown hair and a square jaw, throws a punch, hitting the other in the face. He staggers backward, looking like he could almost fall. There is blond hair covering his face, and this should have tipped Sasuke of but it doesn't. The blonde then throws his entire weight the other way, unexpectedly hitting the other on his eye. He falls back in shock and surprise, clutching his head and moaning pitifully.
The blond softly inspects his own face with his hands, touching the bruise and wiping away the blood from under his nose. He's small but has broad shoulders, and he fights like a beast.
Sasuke has finally pushed his way through the crowd of yelling vultures and his breath hitches. Naruto lifts his head and shows him fierce blue eyes that immediately soften up when they meet their black counterparts. He's bleeding from his lips, he whispers:
'Sasuke.'
It could have been a question, it could have sounded determent. But all Sasuke knows is that in this noise he heard those words, his name, and it gave him shivers. Though all this goes by in just a second, when out of nowhere Naruto's bloodstained collar is grabbed by one of the guards, who utters an angry 'Break it up' and he's violently kicked to the ground. He lands on his elbows, stone scraping the skin away, and then is hauled back to his feet and pushed on in the direction of Sarutobi's office.
Sasuke stays rooted. But he's seen the expression on Naruto's face as he was taken away by the guard. He's seen him smile.
-
The hours pass quickly after that. He can't concentrate, and he doesn't talk. Haku shoots him one or more questioning looks. It will not take long before he's figured out what's going on inside his head. Haku will discover it, he good at reading people's minds.
So before he realizes it, it's evening and they're ushered into the communal bathrooms to wash up. After brushing his teeth and, for some reason, lingering as long as he can Sasuke retreats to bed. But as he has foreseen although he's tired, he can't sleep. The room seems so cold suddenly, and so quiet. It's all dark except for a vertical line of light from peeking out from the hallway. He covers his eyes with his hands and tries to shut everything out, tries to become like a plant.
But then the silence is ripped apart by the creak of the opening door. It's not really such a loud noise but Sasuke startles none the less. There is a short, hushed conversation by the door. It only lasts a few seconds. Then it closes, and bare feet tiptoe towards the bathroom.
Not really in control of what he's doing, Sasuke crawls out of bed, shivering in his t-shirt. His breath is actually visible in the cold. They don't really have proper heaters here. As he sneaks towards were the intruder left, he hears the sound of water hitting the ground. The door to the bathroom is closed, but he can open it because the creak won't be heard above the sound of the shower.
Slowly the bathroom starts to fill up with water vapour, and the temperature rises a little. Sasuke slides down the wall, sitting on the tile floor, hugging his knees. He holds his head in his hands, and once or twice throws a look to the single occupied shower-cubicle.
Then the water stops. There is the rustling of clothes and towels, and this only makes him more unsure of himself. He has to cross his arms to keep his hands from shaking.
The cubicle door opens, and as was so obvious, Naruto steps out, towel and soap in his hands. He's preoccupied with the load in his arms so that he doesn't see Sasuke sitting against the wall. He's bruised and looks tired, but content. As he drops the load in one the sinks and looks around he finally sees him. And he takes one frightened step back. He quickly recomposes and says in a little breathless voice:
'You scared me.'
It's so weird that they can talk like this. After everything that happened, considering the place they're in, considering the things they've done together. Sasuke guesses that it's just kind of the reason that they're what they are to each other. So simple, so real.
'I had to run laps until I cooled down, that's what Sarutobi said.' He says, smiling a little.
Sasuke has to smile to, just because…he doesn't really know why. Perhaps it's because it's been so long, perhaps because they made him run laps too when he just arrived here, when he was impolite or when he got into fights. Or maybe he smiles because of the coincidence. Coincidence?
'Why are you here? How?'
'How? I robbed a car. Stupid he?'
Sasuke has to think on that. Naruto robbed a car? Yes that's stupid, he can't even drive. He's not a criminal, well, at least he wouldn't steal something as expensive as that. He has a record, he knows that he has to be careful.
'You fucking idiot, of course it's stupid.' Sasuke replies in a totally controlled voice, soft and blunt, and hen he says:
'Why?'
Naruto moves over to where Sasuke is sitting and slides down the wall next to him. The collar of his T-shirt is damp from the water dripping out of his hair. He smells like soap and the warm summer evenings he used to have back in the big house, when his parents were still alive.
Naruto looks up at him through the corners of his eyes. He leans forward and steels a kiss. Sasuke looks back at him surprised but he avoids eye contact. There is a faint smile around the blonds lips. The smile grows into a content grin.
'I won't tell you why, I'm too embarrassed.'
Sasuke leaves it at that because his lips are burning, and he's finding it hard to keep himself composed.
They sit like that until Naruto almost falls asleep with his head on Sasuke shoulder. That's when he gently wakes him up. On their way back to their separate beds Naruto whispers in his ear, in a barely audible voice:
'I missed you too god damn much.'
Those words resound over and over again in his head. So that night it takes him so long to fall asleep that he eventually doesn't. He lays there, listening to the breathing and dreaming of the others. All of them are dozing except for one. One pair of eyes had stayed open, and now they are fixed on him, suffocating blue in the darkness. Sasuke knows he's beings watched, although he doesn't turn to see.
He hears the rustling sound of a duvet cover being pushed aside, en then the creaking of the bed. The tiles don't creak, but there's the sound of bare feet on the stone, pattering towards him.
Finally there's the expected weight on his mattress. Naruto climbing over him in stead of next to him. He lies down on Sasuke's stomach, the cover in between them.
'I can't sleep.' Naruto whispers.
'Me neither.' He replies in a shaky voice, feeling especially mellow tonight.
Sasuke feels his breath come slower, he sinks pleasantly away under the comforting weight. It's so different from what he's used to.
'Why did you come back? For real now.' He asks in a soft voice, not bothering to whisper, no one will wake. Maybe he doesn't believe what Naruto said before, maybe he wants to hear the words again.
Naruto holds his tongue, it almost seems like he wants to speak, but then he crawls up further and rests his head in the juncture between Sasuke's neck and shoulder.
'What did they say about me, when I left?' Sasuke asks.
It's surprising for him to realize that, for one: he actually wants to know, and second: that he's doings the talking.
Naruto sighs and breathes his warm scent into his ear and on his cheek, making him shiver, pleasantly so.
'They said you went mental and shot your brother in the chest.'
Sasuke doesn't know how to answer that, if he must. Like everything about Naruto, what he says is blunt and essential. Simple and he likes it that way. He opens his mouth and wants to say something like: I'm sorry, or: I can't explain, or: don't leave me, but Naruto beats him to it and says those two words that will stay with him forever.
'You're brave.' And then again, he repeats it.
'You're so brave…Sasuke' burying his nose deeper into Sasuke's flesh.
The latter is stunned, and slowly inside him a fire ignites. It glows it's way to his fingertips which are now aching for something. His chest feels heavy and light at the same time. His throat feels strangely blocked. Haku's words suddenly make more sense now. Precious people.
He lifts his arms and slowly but resolutely wraps them around Naruto. He lifts his knees and surrounds him in the covers which still separate their skin, although it's all the more intimate now. He strokes soft blond hair with his nose, grabs tanned shoulders, runs 10 fingers over the skin of Naruto's back. He sobs once, quietly, and doesn't let go for a long time.
Naruto holds on with equal desperation and need. His hands grope for a solid body through the covers, and finally settle at either side of Sasuke's face.
He thinks that after all this time, Haku is right, always had been, he's a fucking genius. Life is not life if there's no one to fulfil you like Naruto does to him.
-
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