The Neji Interlude

Chapter 9

-

He walked home in no particular rush. Everything was quiet except for the usual chirping of the noisy birds and the rhythm of his feet being placed one in front of the other. He looked down at them and saw the ground, spotted here and there with patches of grass and weeds, move underneath him. If he erased his feet with his mind, it was almost like he was flying. But he didn't.

Neji was in a bad mood. His eyes looked solemnly into the earth and his mouth was twisted in a bitter frown. He seemed calm enough from the outside but inside his head his brain was restless. The images in front of his eyes as he closed them to blink would not leave him. His hand was clammy although the temperature was comfortable. The straps of the bag that hung over his shoulder irritated the skin. His neck felt cold, despite the glaring sun, with his wet hair caressing it.

He sighed once, to keep himself from breaking. He thought again of the bus ride, just an hour ago, the memories were still fresh on his mind. He had just left the pool where he was captain of his swim team. He'd changed quick as always, without talking. Then he'd said goodbye, formally, as always. He'd been lucky, the bus was already at the stop and he ran the last five metres, just catching it, barely. He hadn't been the only one. Behind him, and he hadn't heard the footsteps before, there was a boy he recognised. He swam as well, Neji had seen him before, though maybe on a different level.

Neji lifted his head from the ground and breathed in sharply through his nose. He picked up a stick from beside the road and trailed it along the ivy covered fence. The sound was pleasantly obnoxious.

He didn't remember much about the boy. Not enough to reconstruct an overall picture of him. There were just parts, like those of a puzzle, that jumped out. They had stood next to each other in the bus. It had been crowded so their shoulders had touched. He had smiled at Neji once, apologetic, when they got crushed to the window once, thanks to a sharp turn in the road.

The boy's hair had been curly, though brown or blond, Neji didn't know anymore. He could remember teeth, white behind the gates of his mouth. Wide lips, more or less the same colour as his skin, which was slightly tanned, as if he had just come back from a holiday in the south. Drops had dampened the collar of his shirt, coming from that brown/blond wet hair of his. They had slid down his throat leaving teasing, glistening lines on the skin. He had smelled good, a little of the pool and a little like the sun and the beach. Neji had felt hot, absolutely blazing.

He broke the stick in his hand. The crack ripped apart the buzzing silence of the little, dirt road, the one that led him along the tennis courts and to his house, mansion more like. The path was lonesome, and quiet again after the sound of the breaking stick. Suddenly Neji felt something hot and slippery in the palm of his hand. He looked and saw that the stick had cut the skin there. The gash reached from the space between his thumb and pointer finger to where his pinkie started. It burned just slightly. He quickened his pace.

There in the distance he could already see the high white roof of his house. The porch, the stairs leading up to the front door and the exuberant arches in which the windows were framed. A house in the French style, it's what his mother wanted, and what she wants she gets.

He ignored the stone pathway and walked over the perfectly manicured lawn, up to the door that was always open. Inside it was just as quiet as outside, maybe even more because you couldn't hear those stupid birds. Neji dropped his bag in the cream-coloured hallway, and walked on to a heavy dark door. It wasn't quite closed. Neji heard the humming of the computer clearly and the creaking of a chair. The phone went off inside. It was picked up at the first ring. His uncle's harsh voice answered.

Neji didn't stay to eavesdrop. He didn't care. His aunt was probably out shopping. She had announced yesterday that she wanted to redecorate the living room…for the third time this year. The maids had gone home, the house was spotless again. Maybe they would cook dinner themselves this evening, or maybe they wouldn't. 'Probably the latter.' Neji thought.

He held his bleeding hand under the cool water in the kitchen. Then, for the sake of ridding himself of the thoughts in his head, he held his head under the tap as well. His hair, like streaks of dark brown ink, drew flowing lines along the metal basin. Neji closed the tap and hung there for a long while, his eyes closed.

It hadn't worked, now his neck was cold again, but in his chest and below, he still felt that stifling heat that threatened to choke him. His breath was laboured. His hand shook at his waist, doubting. Go up or down.

Then he heard the door to the garden house shut. He heard it softly in the distance, for the garden was big. He lifted his head from underneath the tap and wrung out his hair. He stood still in the open door to the luscious green garden, and sniffed the air. It was early summer, he smelled strawberries.

In the garden house, through the glass, the image of his oldest cousin, Hinata was blurry. She moved her dark head about the stacks of plants and seeds and bent down to pick something off the floor. Neji entered just as softly as she had done. She whipped her head around, and the motion made him think of a scared gazelle. One that's just figured out the predator was near all along. Then she smiled weakly and said:

'Oh, hello. I didn't see you coming.'

Neji attempted a smile, but then gave up and shook his head. He moved inside and stood leaning against one of the high tables. It was even warmer in here. Hinata wore only a lavender-coloured t-shirt and a black skirt. On her feet were slippers that slapped against the heel of her foot every time she took a step. The back of her short black hair was wet with transpiration and it clung to her pale skin. She was very different from her younger sister. Hanabi was tall for he age, slender and with fierce eyes and sharp cheekbones. More like their father and his uncle, though Hinata didn't particularly look like her mother either.

'What's wrong?' She said, looking up innocently from one of the bags of earth that she was cutting open on the table.

Neji opened his mouth to talk but no words came out. He was usually quiet, but if he needed to speak it was always with her. His dear cousin. There was something inside his stomach that withheld him from speaking. There was that urge that had been there all day, since the bus ride. Neji lifted his hand to place it on his brow, like he always did when he felt bad.

'What did you do to your hand?' Her voice sounded, immediately and concerned from close by.

She was at his side instantly and her warm dry hands enveloped themselves about his. She inspected the wound, and Neji drew a quick breath when the skin was pulled apart. Hinata pulled back her hands.

'We need to disinfect it.'

She made a step towards the door and held her cousin by the arm, to drag him with her, but he didn't move.

'Neji?'

He stood still as a statue except for his chest which was going up and down fast with his breathing. Instead of following her he pulled her along with him, to the other side of the garden house. To the back, where there was a separate room used for storage.

There he spun her around and buried himself in her embrace. At first she was stiff in his arms but then he felt her warm arms respond and hold him back. Neji lifted his hands to cup her face and stroke her hair. He pressed his nose in her neck.

'Neji?' Her small voice sounded, confused and shy.

'What are you doing?'

Deaf to everything but the pounding of his own blood in his head Neji tightened his hold on her and dragged her to the floor. He pressed dry kisses on her cheek. The heat in the back room was even worse and his clothes itched on his burning body. Beneath him Hinata lay with her head on the earth streaked tiles. One of her legs was sticking out next to him, touching his hip. She had started softly push him away with her arms but Neji didn't seem to feel that anymore. Her eyes were large and her mouth open to scream but she couldn't, she wouldn't.

Neji pulled off his own shirt in one clean motion and unbuttoned his trousers with the next. His breath and hers were all that filled the still, scorched air. When his hands, one on her waist and the other on her exposed thigh, began to press away the coils of her clothing she stopped her frantic wrestling and froze.

'What are you doing?' She thought she said, but it wasn't clear. Her body was not really hers anymore. She couldn't move. Her arms were up between them, a useless wall for defence. His hand felt up the softness of her stomach and enclosed around her breast. With the other he had ripped her panties.

The second that she felt him try to push inside her, Hinata closed her eyes fiercely. There were shadows and a red light on the inside of her eyelids but if she closed her eyes harder there would just be patterns and a headache.

Her breath seemed to be going to fast for her to keep up with. There was a painful pressure, inside and on her. Neji jerked his back and planted his elbows on either side of her.

The confusion that had fast turned into fear was now pushed violently away again by the pain where they were linked. She wanted to say things like: 'Get off' or 'that's too deep'. She wanted to scream them but she couldn't. There was just her frantic breathing, a sob and a fragile little cry on her tongue as he hurt her even more. A moan on his behalf.

It seemed to last too long, it seemed like that to Hinata, but it really didn't. It really was just a few times back and forward by Neji, in and out. It stopped as suddenly as it had begun. he just stopped. He lay on her, half naked still, but his weight was supported by his arms. She could breathe more easily. Then he got up, slowly, slid out of her, which hurt. Everything hurt.

Her eyes were still closed, her mouth as well, but shaking with suppressed sobs and screams. There appeared a shadow over her. She heard him swear in a shamed, heartbroken voice.

'Fuck.'

Then Hinata crawled up herself, without opening her eyes, and turned her back to her cousin. She remained seated on the ground. With shaking hands she pulled down the black skirt that had ridden up so far over her stomach. She put her bra back correctly and tried to flatten her hair with clammy, shaking hands, turning bright red when she felt the wetness on her thighs and buttocks.

She cried before she realised it. The shaking of her shoulders and the short pauses in her breath that hurt her lungs. She cried quietly, so it took Neji a while before he discovered.

'Shit.' He swore again, with that same voice, almost crying as well.

He knelt down by her side and hugged her broad shoulders with desperate strength. His voice was hoarse and rose like the tide of the sea, increasing in intensity:

'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…' He managed to whisper from between his own shaking lips.

At first she said nothing and just quietly cried in herself, hugging her shoulders softly. Then the flow of tears slowly stopped and she was quiet again. She lifted her hands to hug Neji back whose arms were draped around her shoulders. She caressed his pained face.

'It's okay.' She whispered, barely audible even in the hot silence of the garden house.

'It's okay.'

-

The dinner after, which wasn't home cooked as Neji had predicted, was more silent than usual. No words were spoken, not between the cousins. In fact, Hinata barely touched her food and just sat toying with it all evening. Hanabi had just gotten back from her tennis practice and she was puzzled by their behaviour, but didn't ask any questions.

When Neji went to bed he considered going by her room to talk to her. He was actually already slowly making his way towards her door when forced himself to an abrupt stop and pressed his back against the wall. She wouldn't want to see him, it broke his heart. There was nothing he could say that would make things alright between them again. Although she had said that it was 'okay', he knew it wasn't. There was something profoundly disturbing about what happened.

It was of course, the fact that they were related. Living in the same house no less. Neji knew it and it hurt everything about him, as if the guilt was doing actual physical harm to him. He hated himself for what he had done. But there was another point of conflict. There was the fact that it had felt not quite like it was supposed to feel. Hinata's soft stomach and wide hips, her large breasts, they had not satisfied him. No, that was a wrong way to say it, they had not been what he had wanted them to be. Hinata was not a boy, so obviously a woman. Maybe that's why it had to be her. Perhaps he had only tested himself.

Neji had to bite his teeth to keep from shouting at himself. He knew what he was doing, and what he'd done, was wrong. There were no excuses. There were no explanations, there were only evil deeds and those who do them. He rushed to the bathroom, a large one that, strangely enough, wasn't used as often as the other four. He stared in the mirror furiously, his grey eyes flashing.

Neji took the pills. They were in a inconspicuous bottle in the little cupboard above the sink. They looked innocent enough. They stabled his moods, kept him from getting too sad, too angry, or too happy for that matter. He used to have to take them daily, when he was a child, but when he grew older the need decreased. They'd been there on the shelf, untouched for months, but now, he wanted them again.

Neji sat on the side of the tub and closed his eyes. He knew what to look for. If they worked, there would be a dull buzzing in his head that would at first be painful, but then later drown out all the other noises and worries until you were left with only that heavenly humming in your brain.

It took a short time for the pills to kick in. Shorter than Neji had expected, in fact, they hit him like a hammer. Maybe he shouldn't have taken so many, or maybe it was because he had stopped taking them for a while. Whatever the reason, he clutched his head between in hands and sat down in the tub. It was nice and cool against his suddenly feverishly hot back. He took his shirt off and closed his eyes so hard that he saw patterns and colours in his brain.

When he opened them again the light was different and Hinata was there in front of him. He knew it to be a trick of his memory though, because she was small and pink, the way she used to be, when she was little. Sometimes they had shared a bath together. He could remember her well. They used to pretend they were aquatic creatures captured and held in the tub. He couldn't remember exactly when they had stopped doing that.

Gradually the pleasant buzz had started to drown out his hearing and his eyes became heavy. He leaned back his head until it rested comfortably against the side, then he slept.

-

The morning woke him with a chill knowing light that paled his face and hurt his eyes. He felt weak and when he tried to stand his knees refused to hold his weight and buckled beneath him. He fell on his hip and his elbow, bruising it painfully.

When walking out of the bathroom he threw a glance in the mirror and was suddenly very scared of his own hollow eyes and bitter mouth. There was nothing on his face but a ghost of what had been there before. When he came down to the kitchen he just saw the back of Hinata's dark head disappear through the front door. It's okay. He wouldn't have wanted to say his face either.

Hanabi was still there, sitting on the counter eating her cereal. She eyed him with her aggressive grey eyes and asked:

'Did you guys have a fight or something?'

Neji scowled but didn't respond. She was already too smart for her 11 years.

Outside, just after his own breakfast, he heard the honking of a horn. It was Tenten, gloriously punctual as usual. She rode her red convertible like the queen she was. Neji got in and kissed his girlfriend on her glossy lips. She smiled, satisfied with herself as she turned and screeched the tires of her car on the way to school.

-

'What's wrong?' Tenten said and tried to sound concerned but all Neji heard was the irritation in her voice.

'It's nothing.' He replied and looked away.

'Neji, look at me, it's something.'

She raised one eyebrow and eyed his crotch with a meaningful glance, to which he said nothing. He closed his eyes again.

'Fuck' He whispered but she didn't hear it, because his hoarse voice was drowned out by her own angry words.

'Whatever, I'm going home then.'

She got up on her knees, her legs were still spread on either side of him. She leaned backward as she put on her bra again. He let her do it, watching from between his lashes her narrow waist as it twisted when she reached for her shirt on his left.

She stood up, her beautiful long legs carried her gracefully as always. He truly couldn't understand the fact why they weren't having sex. She was so perfect. Why couldn't he do it? She was already at the door when she threw one last look at him. (She looked fruitlessly for her panties, but eventually just pulled on her skirt without them.)

'I'm gone Neji. It's not my fault that you're just not trying anymore.' Her eyes were composed and dry.

Her voice wasn't even shaking. She was just stating the truth, direct and sincere. She was right. As always, she was completely in control. Tenten ruled every situation and bested everybody in everything. Neji couldn't have it. He felt just incapable of disappointing her. He got up and quickly stood in front of the door, his hand on the door knob, his body between hers and the exit. She looked at him with fierce, daring, brown eyes.

'What?'

'I can.' Is all he said but his eyes where frightfully determined.

She looked confused for a second, not sure whether what she meant was the same as what he was saying. But then her perfect lips twisted into that little derogatory half smile of hers and Neji took his chance.

'Are you gon-'

He cut her off violently with a kiss that wasn't really loving but explicit. He was passionate, but not about her, just about showing her. His hands moved up her back with a clawing desperation, up to her neck about which he curled his fingers, pressing slightly, the way he knew she loved. Tenten moved her feet backward but instead Neji threw her against the door and pulled up her shirt again. It almost ripped. She held up her arms, either to let the shirt slide of her more easily or to protect herself from hurt. It wasn't really clear to her. She was caught of guard and awfully helpless.

Neji picked her up by her legs and dropped her on the bed beneath him that protested under their communal weight. He pressed himself down between her knees and bit at her neck. She breathed loudly and there was some kind of noise on her tongue that she had emitted without being able to stop it. She'd finally made up her mind about the whole ordeal and grabbed his head up to her face and kissed his mouth harshly. When she wanted too, Tenten could be very spirited.

-

It was very early in the morning. His blinds were closed and his room was drenched in darkness. Beside him Tenten lay softly breathing and her hair was loose, cascading down the white pillow. He looked at her and felt a strange tightness in his chest. It laboured his breathing and threatened to grow, to the point where he felt like he was choking. He got out of bed as silently as he could and pulled on some clothes.

He meant to go one floor down, where his mother kept sleeping pills in the bathroom cupboard, but he stopped abruptly in the hallway when he heard something. There was someone in the bathroom. He heard retching and then the sound of something splashing in the toilet bowl. Of course he should have know by now, but his mind was sluggish from sleep still, and he made for the closed door.

When he opened it there was Hinata, dressed in a top as white as her face, and looking at him with large, anxious eyes. Neji stopped immediately and threw down his eyes violently, as if he had disturbed something infinitely intimate.

'I'm sorry.' He said and meant to close the door again when Hinata replied.

'That's okay, stay.' Her voice quivered, but was solid enough to convince him to stay.

He closed the door behind him and sat down on the edge of the bathtub. The lights were off, but everything was bathed in a grey sort of visibility. Hinata looked a him shyly and then, with awkward movement bent down over the tap to rinse her mouth. When she stood up again she didn't look at him directly but inspected her hands with an embarrassed blush on her cheeks.

'Are you sick?' Neji asked, who thought of himself as a clever guy and had managed to link the sounds from before and the smell that filled his nostrils now.

Hinata shook her head immediately.

Then what?'

She bit her lip and looked at the wall, through which there was the cold light of morning seeping in. It illumined her face which suddenly looked hollow and sad. Her eyes were almost transparent in the light.

'No Neji I'm not sick, and you aren't either, so I don't know why you started taking those pills again.' She said in a soft voice that nevertheless shocked him with determination.

She looked at him and took his face in her warm, dry hands. He met her eyes and there he saw something like pity, but more like compassion. There was also concern, and love above all. Love. He smiled a watery smile at her but didn't speak his mind. Hinata sat down next to him, with just their shoulders touching. They were quiet for a long while before Hinata finally broke the silence again.

'That time in the garden house, you weren't wearing protection were you?'

Her voice was barely more than a whisper as she looked at her arm in the pale blue light.

'No.'

'I figured.' She said and she carefully parted the bangs that hung over her forehead with her hand, closing her eyes and curving her mouth in a bitter smile.

'You want to know why I've been puking every morning for the last couple of weeks?'

Neji's eyes widened with realisation. He had been a fool not to notice. Not to even consider. Her was a selfish, spoilt fool.

'Are you…?' He said and glanced at her stomach, he couldn't finish his sentence.

She looked at him with that strange look of pity, compassion and sadness again and nodded her head slowly.

'What are we going to do?'

'I don't know.' Her voice broke.

'I don't know.'

Pearly tears spilled finally over her round cheeks and drew silver patterns before dropping of her chin and dampening her top. Neji had never felt so horribly guilty in his life.

-

She fell asleep against his shoulder after she had stopped crying gradually. He stayed awake, partly because he had to support her weight with his own body and partly because couldn't have slept even if he had lain in his bed. He felt strangely lucid in his head. It was like he was breathing different air. Some things had been slowly dawning on him as the sun rose higher in the sky and the light went from cold blue to a pale yellow.

If they did nothing, if they let it be, in a few months time Hinata's stomach would be swollen. And in even more months time he'd have a child. They'd actually have a child. He had difficulty imagining himself as a father, or even his aunt and uncle as grandparents. He thought about his own childhood and suddenly remembered how he'd never really known his mother, who'd died before he was four, and how his father had died not even a year later. He felt a little sad now. He would have liked to ask them for their advice. He would have liked to hug them or shout at them, anything.

Of one thing he was mildly sure. Hinata wouldn't tell her parents. She was the kind of girl who kept her own secrets, passionately. Her past actions had only proved that. When Neji was first adopted by his aunt and uncle he remembered having been surprised about how they treated their daughter. Back then they had still been strangers to him. They were never really cruel to Hinata, not explicitly, not in her face. They were masters of insinuating the worst though. Neji had realised before she had, because he was a year older, how they were damaging her. Still he had never really done anything about it. Should he have? Then would Hinata have told her parents? Wasn't it shameful? Could she actually live with the fact that her cousin's offspring was growing inside of her?

Neji shuddered. He didn't want to think about that. He knew how guilty he was already. He knew how much he was to blame. He would help her. If not, he'd die.

-

The same bathroom. The same pale, morning light, only this time Hinata's eyes were open. She was very much awake.

'Will it work?' She asked him in a tiny, timid voice, though there was something in her eyes that told him she was going to do it regardless.

Neji took the little bottle of pills out of the cupboard and inspected the label. After a few seconds he founds what he was looking for and pointed it out to Hinata, who sat with her hands in her lap on the side of the bathtub. He didn't say a words, there was no need for him to show his concern for it was already apparent enough in everything he did. He was sweating in his shirt and his hands itched.

Hinata took the little bottle and tried to twist open the lid, but she couldn't make her shaking fingers grip it right. She laughed self-consciously and held it out to Neji, muttering a nervous 'sorry'. Her cousin took it again and twisted the lid off with equally unsteady fingers.

'How many do you think I should take?' She asked him.

He shook his head, shrugged his shoulder but opened his mouth and stammered:

'I usually take two.'

Hinata nodded her head and turned the bottle, dropping two pills on her palm, and then hesitated. Of course that meant nothing to her. She wasn't taking the pills for emotional stability, or even to treat a headache.

'Twelve should do it?'

It sounded like a question. Neji couldn't reply so she shook out a couple more pills until the bottle was half empty.

'That's a bit more than twelve.' He muttered and she looked up at him immediately.

He couldn't read her face, though there may have been something accusing in her eyes and on her mouth. She held the pills to her lips and threw back her head as she swallowed them. Three times to empty her hand. Neji passed her the glass of water he had been so uncomfortably holding. It was sticky with the sweat from his hands.

She sighed and closed her eyes. Slowly she slid back and took place in the tub, her elbow hung over the edge and she rested her chin on it, staring at nothing in particular.

'What's it supposed to feel like?' She whispered.

'Everything gets sort of cloudy and there's a humming in your brain. It's not unpleasant. But that's, I mean, I've never…'

'Taken so many. I know. Sorry.'

'Don't be.' Neji said directly after. It was still his fault, hearing her apologise was just disgusting.

He sat down in front of her, in the tub as well. She looked at him sadly, and pulled at the grey top she was wearing. Her legs were bare, there were Goosebumps on her skin. Neji saw it and, after a moment of hesitation, caressed them with his hands. Carefully he looked at her again and now there was a smile on her face, gentle and forgiving. She closed her eyes and sighed again.

'I think it's working.'

Then, suddenly she frowned, drawing frightful lines on her white forehead, knitting her dark, full eyebrows. The corners of her mouth pulled downward.

'Is it supposed…to hurt…like this?'

Neji sat up immediately and bent over to hold her round, beautiful face in his hands.

'It's okay' He said breathlessly but he wasn't even convincing himself.

He was scared. He was scared shitless.

'Auw.' Hinata moaned and she leaned forward to rest her head between her knees.

Neji felt her burning up under his palm, hot and fast, like a kettle on the stove. He jumped out of the tub quickly, and franticly searched the tiny room for a towel to wet. When he'd finally found one Hinata's insistent moaning had become a steady sound in the background. He held the towel under the tap and jumped back in the tub, behind her this time. He took her in his arms and rocked her slowly as he placed the towel around her head. She was still hot. It wouldn't go down. The drops that slid down her back and arms dampened his shirt. Both of them shivered together. Hinata clung to him, desperately. He couldn't see her eyes but they were dazed. The clear grey had turned dull and unfocused, the white around her iris was all covered with tiny lines of red. She couldn't stop the shaking in her hands as she started to scratch her skin.

Neji's grip on her tightened, he clutched her almost painfully.

'Shit, No!' He swore and felt his eyes tear up.

'No!'

As if screaming would help him now. At worst it would wake his aunt and uncle or his cousin. Then what would he do? How could he possibly explain what was happening. Neji was pulled back to harsh reality, demanding his attention, when Hinata whined in the most pathetic voice he had ever heard her speak in:

'Neji, I can't see. Help me! I can't see. Everything is blurry.'

Her broken voice finally released the sobbing that stuck in his throat. He murmured in her ear between panicked breaths and pauses, nothing that made sense, just things that would occupy his mind, anything to keep from thinking about how this whole thing may end. She was still shaking, more violently now, in such a way that her crying had almost stopped. Her lungs were aching with the exercise but now the pain was somewhere else and it was freaking her out. She heard Neji say sweet nothings into her ear, felt his breath on the side of her face; He was saying about how they used to do this all the time, sit in the bath together. He told her he loved her, numerous times.

To Neji it felt like forever, sitting there with his cousin in his arms, holding them together with just the sound of his voice and the strength in his arms. Both of them were almost in a trance. Hinata had closed her eyes, her breathing was shallow. She had gone over that edge, beyond what she was capable of. Her consciousness was slowly slipping from her as everything around her grew darker and darker, more quiet.

The last she felt was the horrible pain in her chest and stomach, the strain of the muscles in her limbs, and the warm wetness that spilled out of her.

Neji felt her go suddenly limp against his chest and felt suddenly so incredibly afraid. Never in his life had he felt this kind of mindless, choking fear before. A feeling that struck him like a physical punch in the guts. Then he felt the warm water against his thighs and feet. He first thought the tap was on but when he looked down he discovered that it was red. It was blood.

Neji swore, and actually, though subconsciously, screamed Hinata's name in her ear. He got up out of the tub jumped in again, in front of her, feeling how his shorts stuck to his skin uncomfortably. His hands hovered over the motionless form of his cousin. Her head was back, resting against the edge and she was drenched in sweat and water from the towel, and now the blood that gently seeped from between her thighs. He opened the tap and let the water drain the blood, not realising how much noise he was making. She was all he could think about: Hinata and how she would not stop bleeding.

He took her face between his hands, her skin a deathly shade of white, her forehead still wrinkled as if she were thinking very hard about something. Her wet black hair stroked her cheeks but he wiped the bangs out of her face and desperately told her to wake up. He leaned above her and picked her up, she was heavy in his arms and he fell down painfully on his knees, refusing to let slip her body even for a second.

It was then, in the midst of his heartfelt sobbing and pointless screaming that the door opened and the worried faces of his aunt and uncle peered in, and behind them, Hanabi. They started to scream.

-

Everything apart from some things that happened afterwards Neji suppressed from his mind. He did remember taking Hanabi roughly by the shoulder though and pulling her away from the sight of her sister, blood-soaked and looking more dead than alive in the bathtub. He also remembered specifically not looking at the bloody mess left by her. He didn't want to know. The ambulance came and picked her up in what had to be the worst 15 minutes of his life. His uncle rinsed out the tub, in quiet shock. His aunt held Hanabi close in her arms on the couch, next to Neji who was still shaking and couldn't stop.

It was still an hour before the sun was well up in the sky, and still many hours after that when they finally received a call from the hospital, informing them that yes, her condition was stable, and that they could come and wait until she woke up. It had been a close call, the doctors told them, and asked whether they had any questions. None were asked but Neji saw his aunt and uncle swap serious glances and he knew exactly what they were thinking. His uncle had to fill out some forms and after an entire day of waiting for Hinata to wake up, his aunt sent him and Hanabi home. She promised to call if there'd be any news.

At home they ate cereal from the box and were quiet most of the time. Hanabi disappeared at one point in the evening, having gone to bed by herself. Neji too retreated and slept heavily and dreamlessly until the soft rays of the sun and the insistent ringing of the phone woke him up again. It was his aunt. Hinata had woken up some time in the night and they could come to see her if they wanted.

So it happened that early in the morning Neji was speeding through the hospital corridors with Hanabi's hand clenched tightly in his. He had only a vague idea of where he was going, but when he saw his uncle stand outside the door to one of the rooms on his left he knew it was fine.

Inside the room everything was white and warm, strangely calm after the previous days. Neji's aunt was sitting on a chair in the corner, her hands uncomfortably in her lap and she actually looked a little relieved at the intrusion.

'I'll leave you alone with her for a second.'

Neji nodded in her direction but it was impossible for him to rip his eyes away from Hinata's. She looked so frail and sick, surrounded by those white sheets and those white walls. But she smiled. Neji rushed forward and sat down in the chair his aunt had just left, though he reached forward and grabbed her hand. Hanabi came forward as well, calm and in control. She hugged her sister and kissed her cheeks.

'Good morning.' Hinata said.

So different her voice sounded, now that Neji had heard it ripped and broken, crying her lungs out. He appreciated it more.

'How are you?' Hanabi asked.

They talked for a while, light-hearted. They acted as if nothing was wrong. Neji felt his palms sweating already and he pulled his hand free of Hinata's.

'Hanabi, will you get us some water please? Or soup or coffee or something?' He asked.

She looked at him with those clever, knowing eyes of her and for a second her mouth pulled to the side a bit, the way that it always did when she wanted to say something obvious. Of course she realised that he wanted to talk to her sister alone. She hesitated. Neji had not been himself lately. But then Hinata touched her arm with feathery fingers.

'It's okay.'

She left. Neji didn't know what to do with himself so he grabbed her arm again and told her the first thing that came up in his mind.

'I'm sorry.'

'Stop' Hinata replied immediately, cutting him off.

She looked at him stern and wise. She wouldn't have it. Neji almost felt like breaking down again. Why wouldn't she scream at him? Why wasn't she angry? He'd rather have her shouting and cursing than this eternal forgiveness of hers. He had completely desecrated her.

'Why won't you let me talk?'

'Because I don't need to hear it. I know why you did what you did, I don't care for apologies or explanations.'

Neji was awestruck. Hinata smiled again and took his face in her warm hands.

'I'm stronger than you think. You didn't hurt me.'

Her voice quivered It sounded truthful enough but some might have said that Hinata only told herself this because she wanted to believe it herself. Whatever the case, they didn't speak of it again. Hinata never told her parents what happened in the bathroom, although they made their own conclusions and praised Neji for his noble behaviour, keeping the secret for their sister and helping her. They cursed her however, for being a whore, and knowing no shame or self-respect. They punished her severely.

Hinata could never leave the house again without telling her parents exactly where she was going. She was forbidden to stay with friends and often was forced to stay after school for extra class. The pony, which she had gotten when she was seven years old, was given to her sister.

Neji however could keep going to swim classes. He could stay out however long he wanted. He could have everything and people always adored him. He could never look his aunt and uncle in the eye again. The was always the guilt gnawing at his heart, and even Hanabi seemed to look at him with scorn in her grey eyes. He felt like he was living one big lie and it exhausted him. It all just seemed to build up inside him, the lust, tension, guilt and secrets, until that day when he bumped into Naruto in the hallway and he exploded.

He could finally be uncivil. Release the monsters in his heart. For once he could be honest and every punch given and taken took some of the pain away.

-

Jeez. I surprise myself. It's like I have this list of trauma and despair and I'm just crossing of topics. I think I managed to cover incest, rape, abusive relationships and drug-abuse. I think alcohol poisoning and cancer is next. This should be fun...