After I came home I locked myself in my room and stayed there all day, only to leave when there was dinner or bathroom breaks.
What had I thought? I wasn't supposed to love Levi. It was just a mistake; I hadn't meant to actually think that. It was in the heat of the moment.
After a troubled day I finally fell asleep. I got to sleep for 3 hours, before my phone rang. The first time I cancelled; I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. But after the third or fourth call I got up.
Levi's number. I allowed myself to get angry. It's not so long ago we'd been together, if he booty calls me now, he's an idiot.
"What is it? It's in the middle of the night, I'm trying to sleep?"
"Eren? It's Hanji. What the hell did you do to him?"
"Eh? What do you mean?" I muttered, confused.
"If you've done anything to him, I swear to God. I'm going to kill you" She sounded really angry.
"Explain to me, what's happening? Is he okay? Is he hurt?" I was getting worried. What happened to him?
"He is not okay. That's why I'm calling you, idiot. From the looks of it; yes he is hurt!" There was a tremble in her voice as though she held back tears. "I'm working and he came in earlier. He's really drunk by now. He is yelling at people, acting like a total jerk. It's not like him" She sobbed a little on the other side.
I could hear distant scream in her end of the phone and wondered if that was Levi going insane.
"I didn't do anything. I'll swear. He seemed fine, when I left earlier today."
"When did you leave?"
"Don't know the exact time, but after we were done with you know" I explained, flushing a little.
"You left after that? God you're oblivious." She took a deep breathe "Can you come down here? He won't listen to me, he might listen to you."
"Just give me a sec."
If Levi really was going crazy on the club, then I don't have the time to walk. I knocked on Mikasas door and went in.
Worst mistake ever.
"Shit Eren. You just don't walk in, in the middle of the night" Yelled Jean, to my horror.
I had forgotten that Jean was staying over tonight. He was sitting on the bed and Mikasa on knees in front of him. Ew ew ew. I smacked my hands in front of my face so I no longer could see my naked sister and her equally naked boyfriend.
"Sorry! It's important. I need a ride."
"Fucking asshole. How can you just come in here and ask such a stupid ass question. We have things to do, so unless you want to watch I suggest you get out of here" Mikasa was pissed. Understandable, if I had been giving Levi a blowjob and Mikasa walked in, I would be too.
"Again, I'm so so so sorry! But Hanji just called, Levi is freaking out at the club. She wanted me to come. She can't get him to see sense. Please?"
"Fine. Get out of here, so we can get dressed. I'll take you to your boyfriend" She sneered.
"He is not my…" I began, but stopped because I didn't have time to discuss that. Instead I said "Thanks" and walked out to the car. Five minutes and they were there, both looking slightly annoyed.
I got in the back of the car.
"Are we supposed to stay and wait until you're done? Or can we leave and get back to business?"
"It's your own choice…" I said, more concerned about Levi than me not having a ride home.
When we arrived to the club there was a ruckus outside. Levi was kicking the fence, which indicated how much area the club owned. Hanji was standing trying to calm him down, but like she had said, he didn't listen. I jumped out the car and ran towards her, as a got closer to her she turned around.
"Thank God. Do something"
Mikasa and Jean, who probably had thought that I exaggerated to get them to drive me, also came running towards the scene.
I tried, walking towards him.
"Levi" I tried, to get his attention. He didn't listen. So I tired some more times until I yelled "LEVI!"
He turned around, eyes swimming. He tried to focus on me, and then his face split in a smile, that was both beautiful and scary.
He walked towards me and like the first time he had challenged me, he grabbed my arm, yanked me back and pinned me against the fence.
I let out a shocked "Oh" as I slammed against the fence.
Without any warning he leaned forward and kissed me. Not a pleasant kiss, a kiss that hurt. I could feel all his hurt in the kiss. It was a possessive kiss, a kiss that asked me; how could you do that? The problem with that is that I had no idea what I had done wrong.
His hands were clutching my arms as he kissed me. I tried to push him away, so I could speak with him, but he didn't let go. When he finally stopped kissing me, he looked at me and with a blurred voice said "That's what you want, isn't it?"
"Levi, I… I" I tried to talk to him, but didn't know what I was going to say to him
"Levi, talk to me. Tell me what's wrong" I tried, hoping he would hear the pleading in my voice. He didn't, he was to drunk.
"Fuck you Eren! You're just like him!" He slammed his hand against the fence.
"What? Like Who? Levi I don't understand" I was getting really worried, he had completely lost himself.
I'm glad, that Hanji had managed to keep as many people away from the scene as possible. Levi would hate that people had seen him this angry, this lost. Only a few stood around us, most of them were friends, worried friends.
That was one reason why I was glad that there wasn't that many people the other was that as soon as the words left my mouth, Levi started to cry. Uncontrollable sobs, which shook his entire body. He leaned against me, cried on my shoulder.
Hanji and Jean came over, now that he no longer was about to hit the first person nearing him.
"Levi, come on honey." Hanji took one hand around her neck and Jean took the other and carried him inside. They took him into a room; I've never been to before. There was a bed, for some reason.
"It's for the ones who pass out. If we can't get hold of someone they know they can sleep it off in here." Hanji explained flatly, she was not her usual self.
They put him down, he still cried.
I was shocked; I've never seen Levi like that. To think that it was my fault, made my own eyes water up.
I cleared my throat and asked "Can I talk to him alone?"
The others looked concerned at me and thereafter on Levi, before deciding that they'd better leave us alone to talk.
I sat on the bed and Levi lifted his hands up to me, like a child and grabbed my shirt, pulled me down beside him. Hugging me: crying. I did nothing at first, just lay beside him. Then I hugged again, and stroke his back, padding it. I couldn't say anything, because I didn't know anything. I had to take some deep breathes because I was about to cry a couple of times.
As time passed, he calmed down and sat up. He leaned against the wall and I sat beside him, unsure if I was allowed to touch him now that he had calmed.
"I'm sorry Eren" He almost whispered
"There you go, apologizing again." I tried to smile, but it became more of a grimace, but he looked down at me appreciating that I wasn't mad at him.
"Why don't you tell me what I did wrong?" I asked him, hesitatingly. I wondered what he had meant when he said I was just like him.
"That's why I'm apologizing. You didn't do anything wrong. I did, and I'm just stupid for not telling you where I'm from. I'm sorry that I kissed you before, I… I shouldn't have forced myself on you. I could feel you didn't like it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for comparing you to him. You're not like him at all, you're so much better and it hurts that I can't have you"
"What do you mean, who's he? You already he have me, just like you want" I said, not understanding what he's trying to say.
His mouth trembled and I feared that he might begin to cry again. But to my relief: he didn't. I leaned in to him, took his hand in mine.
"No, Eren. I don't have you. I should have explained this to you from the start. I feel so bad for all the things I've done to you. You probably be better off without me"
"Hell no Levi, you're not ditching me again" I felt the anger rise in me.
He shook his head.
"No, I'm not, but if you want to ditch me when I'm finished explaining myself, then I understand." He looked at me to show me he meant it, the decision was mine to make. He cleared his throat and looked up to the ceiling, before speaking
"Where to start? Uhm. When I was fourteen I realized I was gay. It happened because of a guy I lived next to. He was many years older than me; I've never spoken with him. I wasn't allowed to, my parents didn't like him. But I would always look at him through my window, and to be honest, he was a God. That's how good he looked. I've watched him whenever he was outside for years, without realizing why. When I did realize why, I talked to my sister. She and I were close. We talked about everything basically. But she wasn't as open as Mikasa was to you" He looked at me with the saddest eyes. "She hated the fact that I liked guys and she told my parents, what I in sheer trust had told her. In the start they would say it was a phase, put me into tests to see if I would somehow turn on looking at girls. I didn't. They gave up on me when they couldn't get the gay out of me. It was a few days after my fifteen years birthday." Deep breathe "They threw me out. I was devastated, my entire life was ruined. I couldn't stand living in their city so I came to another one. I walked there. I didn't have money or anything. I was sleeping in an alley, behind what turned out to ironically be a gay bar. I didn't know at the time. That's where I met him. Erwin: the police guy. I should have told you back then, but I was scared. He took me home, fed me, talked to me and cared for me. I was fifteen he was twenty-eight. He became my first boyfriend"
"But Hanji, said you never had one" I was surprised
"Yeah. She told me. She didn't want to tell my story for me. It was easier for her to say I'd never had a boyfriend than to explain that I didn't want a boyfriend, because of what he did to me." His lip quivered. I don't think he ever told anyone this story before, except for Hanji perhaps.
"Don't interrupt me. I will lose confidence in my story." He looked so vulnerable and I just nodded.
"In the start it was amazing. I felt accepted, I felt like I belonged. Whenever he held me I could forget what my family had done. He was my first kiss and the one I lost my virginity to. He was so careful, always taking it slow for me, always asking if I was hurt, but shortly after he changed. He started to force me into stuff I didn't want. He raped me on several occasions. He would leave me bleeding and crying. If I did something wrong he would beat me. After weeks of this, he one day came into our shared room. I thought he was going to take me again, but instead he gave me a small bag and asked me to deliver it at an address and collect the money. First I didn't know what it was and I was too scared to check. After some deliveries I did learn it was drugs though. Erwin would confiscate it on patrols and then sell it himself. I was so miserable. One day I decided to try whatever was in the back. It was the best high; I forgot everything. Where Erwin once had been there to hold me, drugs now did. When he found out, he beat me. The worst beating I've ever taken. But I kept taking it; he lost money because of it and forced me into prostitution. So he could get his money back. I couldn't escape. I was about ready to kill myself, when I met Hanji. She came to the gay bar, where Erwin made me find guys who would pay me for sex. I know what you're thinking, is Hanji gay? No, she isn't, but her moms are. She was there to see if she was gay too. It took long before I opened up to her. But she kept coming on to me, kept asking questions. You know her. When I told her what I did and why, she started to pay me. So I didn't have to have sex with people. It was her moms' money. One day they were there with her. I was about to flee, when they said they wanted to help me. They took me home to Erwin, gathered my few belongings. Took me to this town, got me off the drugs and enrolled me in high school. He destroyed me. I've never trusted anyone after him, except Hanji and her moms. That's why I didn't want a boyfriend ever again. I didn't want to relive that. I was afraid that if I opened up to someone, it would only destroy me more. I didn't know he was in this town until the moment I saw him at the station, with you. I panicked, thought he was back for me."
"I'm sorry Levi, I didn't know that" I was truly horrified.
"No I'm sorry. I compared you to him before. That was low of me; you never forced me to anything. I'm sorry I took it out on you tonight. I'm not mad at you at all, I'm mad at myself. Everything I've done to you so far has been selfish of me. Firstly pinning you like I did, and then ditching you when you got interested. You know why I did that?"
"No. I have no idea, but it's the past. Forget it."
"No. I ditched you because you scared me. You made me happy. You made me want to open up to you and that scared me, so I needed to leave. Hanji was mad at me for doing so, saying I ruined my chance of something that could be real. When I told her why, she said that I wouldn't know if I never truly tried. I wanted to tell you all this when I came to visit you at the hospital. But you said what I feared. You didn't want me, not like I wanted you. You said that you only wanted things to be casual between us. I didn't have the confidence to tell you then. I thought I didn't deserve you, not with the way I treated you. Like you said back then, I've never giving you reason to think anything other than this being casual. I decided that I rather have you casual than not have you at all." He looked at me, with tears in his eyes. I hadn't expected this, I was about to open my mouth and tell him what I thought when he continued.
"This morning I lost it. The night was amazing; I had hoped to maybe have you for a little longer. But you got up almost as soon as we were done. How I hoped that you would just be there, make me happy. I'm sorry. It hurt and I wondered if the pain in the chest was worth the pleasure of my body. I thought of how I had endured that with Erwin. I got angry, because I couldn't have you the way I wanted. I realize now it's my own entire fault. You can leave me now, if that what you wanted" he ended his story.
"No, we're both at fault. I didn't listen to myself either. It's all a mistake. I didn't want things to be casual, I wanted you. But I thought you didn't want me. I'm sorry; I left so soon this morning, because I didn't want to tempt myself into saying something stupid: something that would ruin things." I looked at him, happy I finally could say it out loud. Realizing that I did not only think I loved him, I actually loved him with all my being.
His eyes were still teary; I leaned in and wiped one away from his cheek. Let my hand stay a minute, before I kissed him.
"You can have me any way you want" I whispered when we broke apart.
We sat in silence for a while and just hugged, enjoyed being close to each other.
It knocked on the door. Hanji came in; she smiled when she saw us tangled together in a hug.
"We're closing now, do you want to stay here or do you want me to drive you home?"
I looked at Levi; he could decide what he wanted. For me anywhere was okay as long as he was there.
"Can you drive us home to me?" He asked, his voice a little hoarse
"Sure. Eren, Mikasa and Jean went home; she said you could call whenever you wanted home."
I nodded.
"Can you give us a minute, Eren?"
I walked out to the now empty club. They talked for around fifteen minutes and when they came out, Levi was smiling a little more.