Hi.
So here's the thing. I actually finished this chapter right before one of my dearest friends told me about Cory's tragedy, almost 3 weeks ago. I decided not to post it then because I wanted to give you guys time to mourn, and also because I felt like somehow I needed to give both Dianna and Lea the privacy they deserved as well as the rest of the cast. I'm not sure if this makes sense, but I guess in my head it does.
I know that most of you have been Glee fans perhaps since the beginning and that this loss may have brought you a huge amount of sadness, so all I wanted to say, really, is that I'm truly sorry. Know that I'm here for you if you need to talk or vent or whatever you might need to get out of your chest, even if it's not related to this at all!
So thanks so much again to my readers, and have a wonderful weekend :)
-Elena
Dianna had never been to Rome before. She had visited a few cities across the famously boot-shaped country, but never anywhere close to Italy's Eternal City.
Unfortunately, she was too tired to enjoy its entirety. Due to the fact that they had to endure 4 hours stuck in the airport because the plane had had technical issues that needed to be fixed, they had arrived to Rome during late afternoon and finally made it to their hotel at around 6:00 pm.
It was a shame, she realized; that she couldn't bring herself to fully enjoy it when her mind was plagued with so many thoughts that brought her back to last night's turn of events. A restless night hadn't been enough for her mind to stop wondering what had gone wrong and how she should be feeling about it.
She went through them all. She considered feeling betrayed but that just felt like it was too much. For a moment she thought about being angry but that went away quickly because really, she had always thought that being angry at something or someone was a waste of time, so she had decided that, if possible, she would always let anger slip away from her. Adding that to the fact that this was Lea they were talking about, it was pretty much impossible to stay mad when she glanced into those expressive brown eyes.
So she figured, at around 5:00 am and still in Paris that above all she felt confused and saddened, and that led her to the waves of questions that continued crashing in her head.
Since when had Lea started questioning their future together and their careers? Since the beginning? If so, how come Dianna was never able to see it? And why on earth had Lea decided to keep it to herself? She had always been an open book, especially around Dianna; hence the unsettling feeling at the fact that this was the one and only issue that she had decided to hide—not including the feelings she well hid from her, because that was something she could relate to—. But what if they had rushed into this or more certainly Dianna, since it was her who asked Lea to be her girlfriend.
This all kept her from initiating any type of conversation with Lea; or really with anyone. She remained silent, a part of her wishing that Lea would initiate the talk and another part of her wanting to be the one to start it but having no idea how. So she was stuck. Feeling lost and confused and sad, staring out the window of the taxi and watching as cars drove back and forth and people walked minding their own business, with the girl she loved sitting what felt like longer than only a few feet away from her.
All of them oblivious to what her heart was screaming.
And there Lea was. Feeling like she was about to pass out from an overcoming headache and the evident, and guilty pull at her heart. It made her feel like shit. Both mentally and emotionally; and like she wanted to stop the car, get out and bury herself in whatever hole she could find first.
Tears sprung at her eyes as her sight became blurry. She had no idea how to fix this. She guessed a talk would definitely help things but then again, how did she start? 'I'm sorry, Dianna, I was an asshole for never considering your opinion. I promise I won't ever do that again.' She swallowed the lump in her throat and gripped her door handle tighter.
She felt like that wasn't enough.
Because she knew that if she were to be exclusively Dianna's best friend and Dianna were dating another person—as much as the thought made her feel nauseous— she would demand more than just a verbal apology from said person. Because she knew that the woman she was lucky to call her girlfriend was worth way much more than just an 'I'm sorry.'
So no matter how much she wanted to open her mouth and blurt out apologies, she didn't want to mess it up once again.
The slowing car snapped her out of her thoughts and with a sigh she opened the door as soon as it stopped, missing the lingering glance that Dianna casted at her before stepping out herself.
The hotel seemed to add to the quietness that Dianna and Lea had carried since yesterday. There were no other people checking in and the only person around besides two bellhops was the man behind the counter. He flashed them a polite smile as they stepped into the contrasting air conditioned space and began speaking as soon they stopped by the neat mahogany counter.
"Good afternoon, ladies."
"Hey."
"Hi." Both replied at the same time with a quiet voice. None of them really felt like talking at the moment but they felt obligated to reciprocate the gesture.
"Do you have a reservation?" Asked the bald man. His smile was still plastered on his face and Lea wondered if it was, after all, just part of his job and not an honest-to-God type of smile.
"Yes, for Dianna Agron." It came out with a hint of question at the end.
The man turned to look at the monitor and typed out her last name. A reservation came up. "Miss Agron, you requested your room to be changed from a double bed to a queen size bed, is that correct?"
The thought of Dianna making a phone call to the hotel to make sure they could sleep in the same bed, even if it was completely unnecessary since they could still just use one of the beds, was such a cute gesture that it made Lea's shoulders hunch in embarrassment and guilt. Maybe if they had the two beds she could just crawl under the covers of one of them and pretend all of this wasn't happening. Or that she didn't exist.
"Yes." Dianna replied with as much certainty as she could muster. She really did try to pretend she didn't see Lea recoil right next to her.
With a nod of his head the man typed out a few things, and after checking Dianna's passport he gave them two key cards and sent them on their way.
Their bellhop kept things from getting even more awkward by letting them know of the hotel's services. They strolled past a few halls, the gym, and what seemed to be the indoor pool, all the while hearing the eager man say words that none of them cared to pay attention to at the moment.
When Lea managed to get rid of the bellhop after a tip and a muttered 'thank you' she closed the door of their room and turned around, finding Dianna nowhere in sight. So she stood there for a few seconds and looked down to stare at her shoes. Her mind wandered through the first minutes in the hotel and remembered the gym. It rapidly became one of those impulses that she got when her mind was swarming with unwanted thoughts. So she consulted her memory, only to make sure that she knew how to get there. Maybe what she needed was some time to clear her mind, and come up with a plan to show Dianna how sorry she truly was. And so before she could even regret what she was doing, she grabbed her suitcase, opened it and pulled at the only sport shorts she had brought, a loose shirt and her tennis—mentally patting herself on her back for bringing them with her—, only to run into Dianna while trying to get to the bathroom.
A pair of hands rested securely on her waist before she could even process the fact that she was close to falling. Her nose had awkwardly bumped into Dianna's shoulder, which made the hand that she still had free to go up and try to stop the throbbing.
"I'm sorry," Dianna said before she gently grabbed Lea's hand away from her nose and took a look at it to make sure she was okay; never thinking of removing the hand she had on her girlfriend's waist. She saw Lea look down and it took everything she had in her to keep herself from just grabbing Lea's face and planting a kiss on those pink lips. She also couldn't help the electric feeling that she got from the simple connection between hers and Lea's hand. It had felt like an eternity since the last time she had touched her, or felt her any way near her, when in reality it hadn't even been 24 hours. Seeing those eyes, if only for a few seconds and mere inches away from hers, had made her want to leave everything behind and forget any of this had ever happened.
And then she noticed the clothes that Lea was still holding. Her hand let go of hers.
"Gym?" Was all she could ask; and even that sounded dumb.
Lea's only answer was, "I saw a gym downstairs." And even then she couldn't look her in the eye.
Dianna just stood there, dumbfounded, as Lea rounded her and into the bathroom and quickly changed clothes. She did the impossible to ignore the slivers of skin that her eyes got to catch; ignoring what the sight of that could have easily brought, and focused only on trying to come up with a fair reason of why in the world Lea would want to go work out at this time of the day.
She couldn't.
The only reason she came up with was that Lea needed space; time; but even then she figured it was her in this particular situation who would need to call some time out to clear her head. If she was being honest she would have to admit that it was becoming harder not to start getting frustrated at this entire thing, including Lea. Even if all she did in that moment was shake her head in disbelief and throw what she knew was a bitter 'Have fun at the gym' just as she left the bathroom entirely and headed to the balcony, barely paying any mind to the tears that she knew were threatening to roll down her cheeks.
If Lea needed some space then by all means she would have it…
Meanwhile Lea sat on the toilet, tying her shoes and feeling like the worst bitch on earth.
She had certainly heard Dianna's comment, even if she had made no attempt at replying. The tone of her voice had made her wince and she was thankful that her bangs were long enough to cover it. Only when she heard the sliding door move for the second time did she slowly stand up and let out a sigh.
This wasn't the way things were supposed to go. They were supposed to get to Rome and fix things so that they could enjoy Italy. It was one of the places that Lea was the most excited about for obvious reasons, and since she had already been here a couple of times with her parents she had wanted to show Dianna around. Take her out to dates. Even celebrate their one month anniversary, no matter how cheesy that sounded. But as of right now, all of her plans were going downhill, and fast. She needed to come up with a plan to fix this and so she gave herself only the time that she would spend being in the gym.
With determination she took a deep breath and stood out of the bathroom, knowing that she wouldn't find Dianna anywhere in the room since the door of the balcony hadn't made a sound again. Her hand blindly found one of the key cards as her eyes wandered around the room, making a stop on the bed for no apparent reason, and finally eyeing the balcony one last time. She debated whether or not it would be a good idea to let Dianna know that she was leaving, but she figured it was best not to bother her anymore before she left.
And with that last thought in mind she turned around and reached for the door.
It took a total of twenty minutes for Dianna to snap out of her thoughts after Lea had left. She had let the tears finally roll down the moment that door had shut closed although she had not let herself break completely. She just stood there, gripping the iron fence and batting her wet eyelashes just so that she could see clearly instead of blurry. She was becoming frustrated at so many things right now. The fact that Lea seemed to rather avoid talking about this, and that they were ignoring each other; something that became even more awkward sine they both were usually in the same room. The fact that she was still debating whether to initiate the conversation or let Lea take the lead, and the fact that she felt like this was becoming bigger and more dramatic than it should have.
She felt like she needed a distraction, at least until Lea came back from the gym and maybe decided to face the problem at hand.
She felt like she needed a drink.
But maybe that wasn't the wisest idea either, she thought, just as she stepped back from the fence and headed inside the cool hotel room, grabbing her own card key on her way to the door. Looking back at what had happened the night before she figured having alcohol in her veins would only make things go wronger.
Wronger… Was that an actual word? It probably wasn't. But then again she thought slippy wasn't either until she consulted a dictionary and found out it was, in fact, a synonym of slippery. She stopped to make sure the door was locked and let out a humorless chuckle. Her mind did funny things sometimes, but perhaps that's what she needed it to do. Wander away from uneasy thoughts and problems that as of now she wouldn't be able to solve on her own.
She still decided to head to the bar and maybe have juice instead of alcohol. That one could wait for another day.
The walk to the bar was quiet. Somehow, coincidentally—or maybe not so—she had managed to avoid the gym so she could keep any deep thoughts of Lea at bay. Instead she tried to keep her mind as busy as she could with deciding which kind of juice she would have. Cranberry had seemed the best option.
The restaurant-bar wasn't as empty as the lobby was which made Dianna finally stop wondering whether or not they had any other occupants in the hotel at all. She smiled at a middle-aged couple sitting on a table waiting to be served as she made her way to the bar, making sure not to sit next to the man having a sober conversation with the bartender. It wasn't that she was feeling uneasy; it was just the fact that she really didn't feel like talking to anyone that wasn't Lea; something that was, of course, impossible in that moment. So she opted to keep herself reserved from everyone, even if that meant she would have to deal alone with her thoughts some time later. It was inevitable, that much she knew.
The bartender took a pause on his conversation with the man so that he could tend on Dianna and sent her an amused look when all she asked for was a cranberry juice. He came and went and flashed her what she thought was his attempt at charming. Her smile in reflection was only polite, letting him know that it was okay for him to go back to whatever he was talking about with the red-haired man.
Dianna took a sip of her drink and kept the cold liquid in her mouth until it became warm. She swallowed, cringing a little at the natural sour taste that the juice brought with it, just as her mind began tormenting her with the memory of last night.
She almost wanted to bang her head repeatedly against the bar in front of her. Maybe she would have if it didn't make her look like she needed to be sent to a mental institute.
It didn't last long though. Every unwanted thought that threatened to fully conquer her mind was interrupted when she saw the screen of her phone light up indicating a new text message. For a moment her heart beat faster, thinking that it was Lea looking for her, but it soon calmed down as she eyed the name on the screen: Naya.
Somehow that eased her mind a little. Talking to Naya could be a good distraction and even a helpful one if she decided to tell her what had happened. And besides, she immediately realized that she actually missed talking to her friend even if she had been too busy enjoying her vacations next to her girlfriend.
A small smile crept up on her face as she started reading the incoming text:
'If you want to see a picture of Mr. Arthur in his cute new outfit then you better tell your abandoned friend how Europe is treating you. XO-xoxxxooo!'
She almost laughed at that last gesture and at the fact that Naya had bought Arthur an outfit. Just like an aunt would, she mused. She thought of her reply for a few seconds before she decided to attach one of the silly pictures she had taken of her and Lea with her phone, lingering for a moment at their faces and finally smiling at how happy they looked. At last she typed in: 'How's Nay Nay doing!? Paris was beauuuuutiful and romantic and fun. Next time you're coming with us. No questions asked.' And hit send.
The reply was almost immediate, though it gave her enough time to take another sip of her juice, this time swallowing right away. She hurried to open it, wanting to see more than anything what Naya had decided to dress Arthur as. Her laughter was almost unexpected. Arthur was dressed as Batman. And the caption, 'I've been mad chilling in L.A. and Arthur has been the best company one could ask for :)'
'I cannot stop laughing! Why Batman?!'
'Uh, because he's awesome? Come on, you know you love it! HeMo and Chris certainly did... How are things going with your lady?! Paris' romantic air didn't make you propose, did it? ;)'
That made her pause. Well, it certainly didn't, but they did end up getting tattoos on their wrist signifying their love for each other. As if on cue she turned her right wrist over and stared at the permanent dark letters on her skin; 'And here we are,'
"In heaven," She whispered. It made her heart ache. Ridiculous as it seemed, she missed Lea.
Before she replied to the text she checked the time: 6:52. Her instincts screamed at her from somewhere deep inside her mind and for a moment she considered whether to listen to them or not. It wouldn't hurt anyone, really. And it probably wouldn't even benefit anyone either but it didn't hurt to try. Why was she over thinking anyways? It was just a text.
So she opened her conversation with Lea and typed in a quick 'Are you still in the gym?' before hitting send. It was anxiety that she had, she realized, like a mental itching of some sort. It was becoming a need of her to talk. Not just have a conversation, but to talk talk about them; because she wanted to know Lea's fears, and doubts, and thoughts so that she could be able to help. She wanted to help erase those fears and clear all her doubts. She wanted Lea to be happy; to make her happy with no fear of their future.
She sighed; her desire of banging her head against the bar had instantly come back before she remembered that she never replied to Naya. She figured that mentioning that Lea and she weren't talking didn't feel necessary anymore.
'Say hi to those two!.. Ha. Ha. I did not propose, though we did have a moment that involved ink and skin ;) And L's fine!'
Another longer sip of her juice and seconds later her phone vibrated in her hand. A part of her thinking it must have been Lea.
'TATTOOS!?' It wasn't. 'You guys got matching tattoos!? I thought the one on your ribs was enough! What did you get?'
'Not matching though-' Dianna didn't get to the rest of her reply before she was interrupted by the bartender.
"Would you like another glass?"
Dianna took a few seconds to look at him first. His eyes were brown and gentle and his smile was warm and welcoming. He was handsome, with strong Italian features along with short curly hair, but the way he spoke was barely tinted with that Italian's usual characteristic and notorious accent.
She liked his eyes the most, Dianna noted. They reminded her of Lea's.
Finally she shook her head and muttered thanks. Immediately the guy frowned and tilted his head in curiosity. "A pretty girl like you shouldn't be frowning." He said; his hands absently working on drying a glass he had just washed. It was then that Dianna realized three things. One, that the man who had been sitting on the other extreme of the bar had left; two, that this guy standing in front of her with a very charming yet natural smile was not trying to flirt with her, but rather just trying to be nice; and three, that she was, in fact, frowning.
She didn't know what to say. Just saying thanks after he had called her pretty seemed unnecessary and out of place. So she just let silence fill the gap.
"What brings you here?" He tried again, just as he reached for another wet glass and started drying it. Dianna focused on the movement of his rough hands and his manly wrists. There was a certain pattern that made evident the fact that he had been doing it for quite some time. She shook her head then, remembering his question. She considered replying with something short and inane like 'I was bored', but something in her just didn't feel like lying.
Still, as she announced the words, "I had a fight with my girlfriend," she felt like it wasn't entirely true. Sure, Lea had blurted out words that ended up hurting Dianna and during the day they had only exchanged very few words, but deep inside Dianna didn't feel like they had had a fight. Not really. But on the other side, saying that she had a fight with Lea was better than having to explain the whole situation.
The guy let out a small gasp just as one of his hands went up to his chest sympathetically and the other, still holding the glass, rested on his hip in a very mannered way.
That gave it away.
"I'm so sorry, darling." He said, his tone of voice changing from before to slightly feminine. He did seem like he was sorry to hear it, though.
Dianna tried to smile reassuringly but she knew that it had come out more like a grimace. "It's okay."
He sighed and put down the glass, considering his question. "Whose fault was it?" He asked carefully. He sounded like he wasn't sure if the question would offend Dianna.
She looked at him. It was weird, opening up to a stranger; but she felt like sometimes talking about your feelings with someone who did not know you at all, nor your flaws nor your past, and was willing to listen, was something that felt better than talking to someone who knew you. Then she thought about the question. She hadn't seen it as if either of them had been at fault. Lea had just voiced her fears, even if they sounded irrational to Dianna's ears. And hurt her in a way. But also, Dianna thought she should have seen it coming. She should have spoken up and asked Lea what was going on. So all in all, "I guess we're both at fault."
He made a small tsking sound with his tongue and settled both of his hands on the bar dividing them. "Then why are you sitting here not fixing things?" His voice didn't sound judgmental; it was only laced with the confidence that you would give to a friend.
Good question, Dianna thought. "Because she decided to go the gym as soon as we got here." She replied sullenly.
"Oh…" He looked at her disapprovingly, but something told her that it wasn't really directed at her. His hands went back to his hips just as he said, "I still think you should go back to your room and wait for her. Clear things up, you know?
Dianna nodded absently and made a move to unlock her phone: no new texts from Lea and an unfinished one for Naya. She reread what she had typed before deleting everything and exiting her messages app, making a mental note of replying to Naya later, when her mind wasn't clouded anymore.
"I think I'll go for a walk outside first." If Lea was still in the gym she didn't really see a reason why she should lock herself in the room. She would go crazy in there.
The bartender nodded resolutely and smiled at her. "I'm Mauro, by the way." His Italian accent came out in full force as he pronounced his name. "If you need anything I'll be right here. And good luck with your girlfriend."
Dianna stood up and made a motion to pay but was stopped by his raised hand. "No, no. It's on me."
"You're so sweet. Thank you."
He only nodded cordially and went back to his cleaning while Dianna left the bar feeling a little bit lighter.
Meanwhile Lea had just gotten out of the shower, feeling like she always did after a workout; satisfied, even if it had been way shorter than usual.
She had come in all sweaty and in desperate need for one. While she was in the gym she had realized in the middle of her treadmill workout that she had left her phone in the room. It hadn't been sooner because she had decided that she didn't want any music to distract her and so she was also thankful when the only TV in the room was showing a soccer match between 'whatever' and 'who knows'. She had lasted 45 minutes running, bearing the burning in her legs until it became too much. Then she got off; sweat dripping off her forehead and her chest, and headed back to the room right away.
She hadn't really come up with any plans. Instead she only came out with what she would say to Dianna, because at the end she knew that talking things out was better than any cheesy gesture. Their problem wasn't about Lea making a mistake like forgetting her birthday or an anniversary. It was about things being left unsaid; lack of communication so to speak. Mostly from her side, she admitted.
She had been granted more time when she saw that Dianna wasn't in the room nor in the balcony, but she still made a mental note to text her after she had taken her shower. She had just felt too gross to even grab her phone beforehand. But now that her body was dry and she was putting on the loose shirt she usually went to bed with her phone began to ring. She rushed to it, thinking of Dianna, and felt a pang of disappointment when she saw her best friend's name on the screen instead.
Before she even finished saying 'Hello' Jonathan cut her off asking why she hadn't told her about their trip. She only felt slightly guilty that she had totally forgotten to tell him about her plans but, honestly, right now she really didn't feel like apologizing when she had other bigger and more important things to apologize for. It just slipped her mind, "And besides, you forgot to tell me about that one time you went to Hawaii with Zach for like two weeks. I had to find out through my mom, Jonathan." She teased.
Light rain had started to fall by then and she vaguely wondered if Dianna had decided to go for a walk and if she had brought an umbrella with her.
"Fine, fine." He laughed. "Just tell me all the details and you shall be forgiven."
And so she started off. All the way from how they got to Cancun, to Paris, and finished with how she had drank and drank and got all emotional thanks to "a bitch that wouldn't leave us alone."
Then, after Jonathan got all disapproving on her she explained how she had gone to the gym—getting yet another disapproving comment from him because "why would you leave her there!"— And then stating that she just needed some time to come up with something that would make Dianna forgive her.
"Well then? Did you come up with anything?"
"No," She sighed. "I just decided to talk to her."
She had her back to the door, and combined with the sound of the rain and Jonathan's voice she had not realized that Dianna had already entered the room.
"So that's what you worked out 45 lame minutes for?"
"Well, it was still good while it lasted." She tried.
"And you're sure talking to her will fix everything?"
"I'm pretty sure. I did think about it, you know? I think it's the best option here."
She jumped at the sound of the door closing as she turned around with a hand in her heart to find Dianna standing there, with her hair mildly wet, goose bumps covering her arms, slightly shaking and teary eyes. The sight broke Lea's heart.
Naturally, Dianna had only heard Lea's side of the conversation, and even if she had no idea who she was talking to, the responses that she heard Lea come out with made her heart grow heavier. The phrase 'it was good while it lasted' echoed through her mind and it made her feel dizzy. She felt like that one night at the beach when she decided to tell Lea she was in love with her and in return Lea just stared at her. But this was ten times worse. Because back then she did not know what it was like to be happy with her; to love her and be loved in return. This time she knew pretty well, and the fear of losing her overcame her like wave after wave, while she just drowned.
This time Dianna had more to lose.
And this time, she did run.