A/N: Thank you all for still reading this story! I hope you still enjoy it. Now, we've got quite an exciting chapter for you here! Enjoy, you lovely people.
Chapter eleven) Jumpstart
Loki didn't seem to be getting better, which evidently meant he was losing strength to the sickness. Yet, it was unclear what it would mean for him to succumb entirely. Would the Tesseract take him over? Or would he die? His body had started to fight the Tesseract's power for the sole purpose of getting it out of his body and now the Tesseract was opposing him, rather than working together. It was therefore unlikely that much of Loki could survive should the Tesseract win. It was not a good foresight, but there was still hope of course. Loki might prevail, eventually.
"How are you feeling?" Tony asked, while he sat on the edge of Loki's bed. Loki was as white as a sheet, even his lips had lost their colour entirely. He barely managed to open his eyes and when he did they were unclear.
"I've... been worse," he replied and Tony knew that to be true. But being worse in an immortal body wasn't so bad. Loki knew this, so Tony didn't speak his mind. It was senseless to worry him even more.
"You'll pull through this," Tony told him. "You'll have to, so..." He shrugged, almost as if it didn't interest him so much at all, when it did. Loki managed a somewhat smile, that quickly faded to nothing as his eyes closed once more and he let out a tiresome sigh. "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"I don't know..." the God whispered in reply. "I don't want to go on."
It was silent for quite a moment after Loki had spoken those words, as Tony had a hard time digesting those words and coming to understand them. Loki had meant them, obviously, for his lips weren't sealed and for the moment Tony couldn't even give the God a good reason to continue...
"Loki," he then said, though as he looked at Loki's face once more he realized a significant change. Not only had the slight frown disappeared and had his usually clenched jaws lost their tenseness, but his breathing... "Loki!" he shouted then, getting up from the bed with a start, before leaning over the God, hand moving to the back of Loki's neck to shake him through. "Loki, don't you fucking dare!" he shouted loudly.
A moment later the door was slammed open and inside stepped Thor, probably alerted by Tony's screams. He rushed over to the bed and Tony moved back for Thor to see, though he was in such a panic that he couldn't just stand there. "Heart- is his heart-?" he tried to speak, but the adrenaline rush had caused his speech to falter to null.
"His heart is still beating. Get everyone in here, we need everyone and everything that can help," Thor spoke, turning towards Tony. "Get everybody, and a knife," he ordered. "I will make sure he does not fall deeper." But it wasn't hard to tell that Thor was just as worried as Tony and probably knew just as little about what they should do.
Tony had no time to listen to his latter words as he ran through the Tower, ordering Jarvis to get Jane and Eric from downstairs. Banner was already heading towards Loki and Tony grabbed the first clean knife he could see, running back to the room to give it to Thor.
"The Tesseract's liquid should be removed from his body," Thor spoke, taking the knife. He moved it to Loki's wrist and made a small slit, right where his artery was.
"Thor!" Tony suddenly shouted, looking at how the blue liquid seeped out of his body. "You're killing him!"
"He's already dead!" Thor replied. "His heart is only still beating because the Tesseract has power over his body. If we do not hurry, he will rise as the Tesseract itself and that is not what we want," he spoke, slitting Loki's other wrist too. At least the blue 'blood' looked less gruesome than red blood would.
"Oh my God," Jane spoke as she entered the room. It took a while before she realised what was going on.
"Get the blood we have," Thor spoke, watching how the blue glow left Loki.
"How is this going to work?" Banner then asked, shocked by what was suddenly happening. Tony also, had no words at all, his own heart beating like crazy. "I mean, we're killing him, entirely, there is no way to get his heart pumping..."
"Loki is dead anyway and I will not let his body be claimed by the power of the Tesseract. He is my brother," Thor spoke. "I have a plan, now all do as I say."
Tony just stood there, a little shocked. How had they, the scientists, gone from being the source of knowledge to being the ones ordered around by Thor? "You're going to jumpstart his heart?" he asked Thor then, at the realization that, of course, this was what Thor was planning.
"Yes," Thor replied, giving him one last look before focussing on Loki fully. The power was radiating off Thor, which was incredibly strange as, by now, you would have thought that they'd all be used to it, but this was different. Thor was connecting to Loki in some way, expanding his magical powers to another...
Jane came back with the blood, which Eric soon started to hang up. "You've just let that leak onto the floor?" Eric then asked.
"This is Loki we're talking about and that blue stuff it better off being untouched," Tony snapped. "Now don't interrupt Thor, he's doing stuff," Tony said, pacing a little bit. Everyone noticed how Tony wasn't being his usual self, but no one commented. The pacing, the fast talking, the fretting... Usually Tony was one to stay calm. He'd risked his own life often enough and stayed the calmest of them all, but that was it; this wasn't his own life... nor just any other life...
"He needs to be empty before we start pumping stuff inside of him," Banner spoke, leaning over to Loki's chest. "His heart is still beating, slowly, but it is. We need to wait until it has stopped entirely, to ensure that not only Loki, but the Tesseract is dead too. This is not Loki making his heart beat, after all, it is the Tesseract," Bruce spoke. "If it was down to just Loki, he would have been long gone... but that is slightly logical as he doesn't have any human blood running through him," Bruce spoke, keeping his finger by Loki's neck to feel his pulse. Tony caught himself thinking that he should be the one doing that, but there was no time to fight about roles.
They waited in silence and it took minutes before the liquid had stopped dripping. All the while Tony needed to stop himself from shouting out to just stop this nonesense and give him the blood. He was damn well going to needit! There was hardly anything left in his body when they were done draining it! "His heart has stopped," Bruce spoke not a moment later, and Tony felt his own heart sink at that, although it had been the one thing they'd been waiting for. "The connection has broken. Selveig, push the needles into his veins, now," Bruce spoke. The moment Loki's heart had stopped, Thor had disconnected his mind with Loki's.
"What were you doing?" Tony asked Thor then.
"I'll tell you later," he spoke, taking healing stones from the drawer in the bedside table. He crumbled them and let the wounds heal up entirely, though a strange line, where the knife had cut his skin, remained. It was almost like the Tesseract's liquid had bit into his skin, like a strong acid would. "The blood with not flow until his heart starts once more. Everyone will need to back away," Thor spoke, looking around at everyone. "Eric, Tony, you stay on each side of him to replace the blood when his heart starts to beat again," Thor spoke.
The tension in the air was huge as there was such a large chance that all of this was for nothing, that they were not going to retrieve Loki from the dead. Had Thor made sure he would return? What had Thor done? He was a God and therefore Tony felt inclined to believe he could keep someone from dying, but he was too pessimistic for stuff like that.
Bruce and Jane stood back, watching the bed from a distance, while Thor raised his hands and let his magic flow in the form of electricity, pinpointing the exact location of Loki's heart and letting the electricity flow through him entirely. It concentrated itself at that point.
It went on for minutes and minutes and nothing happened, nothing at all. Thor stopped for a moment, then moved closer, his hand pressing to Loki's chest. "If this does not work, I do not know what will..." Thor spoke, his eyes once again shutting to let electricity flow through Loki. It made him jolt and that was a horrible sight, a very horrible sight, one that Tony could hardly bare, but still he watched, ready to see the blood in the bag run into Loki's veins. It were a difficult, long and desperate few minutes, until suddenly, Loki's body jolted strangely and the blood started to run into Loki's body.
"It's working, it's working," Selveig spoke and Tony started to squeeze the bag, trying to get the blood into Loki's system faster. Thor had stopped the lightning running into his body, but still kept his hand on Loki's chest to make sure his heart kept beating. Soon, the bags of blood were empty and got replaced. And so, Loki became less white, became stiller and passed into some form of deep sleep.
The first time Tony was alone with him was when everyone went to bed and Tony volunteered to do the night shift. He hung over Loki, his lips on his forehead, holding him close, caressing his hair. He had slipped into a coma, something Thor compared with something called the 'Odinsleep', a sleep his father fell into once in a while that could take days on end. Tony preferred to use the word 'coma' even though it was not positive.
Whether they would get him back was still the question and it feared Tony. It made him lock all the things he'd wanted to tell Loki up as he was no affectionate or loving person. He'd had his heart broken before and didn't want to admit that it was broken once more, despite the fact that Loki had never confessed a love to Tony, he had definitely confided in him and showed him how much he mattered. Loki cared about Tony and Loki wanted him to be present. And thus he stayed now and the rest of the hours and days he spent in this state, stabilised by all the machinery Tony could get legally.
Only after three days they measured improvement, measured Loki starting to breathe by himself, but still in a coma. He did not move a muscle in his body, unless it was one needed to in and exhale. It worried them all, but the improvement was definitely something to become hopeful about.
They were feeding him and making sure he got water, now glad they had enough doctors and scientists about to make sure he was being stabilised properly. With the improvement, Tony dared to leave the room every once in a while, sometimes to secretly light up a cigarette in his own room. Nobody knew he smoked sometimes. Even he himself didn't know, that was how secret it was. But it did help when he needed it. One of those times was now, definitely now.
"He moved!" someone shouted. He tossed the cigarette the many feet down out of the window and rushed through to Loki's room. "He moved, I saw it," she said. "His shoulder moved, just a little, but it moved," she said.
"Loki?" Tony asked softly, causing another twitch in Loki's body. "Are you waking up? Loki..." he said softly, sitting down on the edge of the bed.
"I'll go and get Thor," she spoke, but Tony instantly responded to just leave him and Loki for a while. He would get him awake, he was sure of it, so very sure. As Jane left, he caressed Loki's hair, held him close and whispered softly all the reasons why he should wake.
"I am waiting for you, Loki... I am waiting for your return," he whispered, close to the God's ear. "I have been watching over you and if you open your eyes, I will be the first thing you see," he whispered. "And that's what you want, Loki," Tony said, the arrogance still every now and then tinting his voice, but he knew that that amused Loki, which may make sure that his recovery sped up. "I need you back, Loki, there's so much I need to tell you."
He was holding the God's hand and he felt a soft squeeze and as he moved up, he saw how Loki's lips parted a little more and a small change came over his face. Yes, a Loki-like change... His frown.
Tony laughed softly. "I'm here," he whispered, moving his free hand over the side of Loki's face, who squeezed his eyes, then started to blink, opening his eyes. The light was dim in the room, so it wouldn't blind Loki, would he wake... and now he was. Indeed, Tony was the first thing Loki saw, Loki's blurred, hazy eyes, but they did see and they saw him. Tony gave him a smile, which Loki returned, though only slightly, a little half-heartedly as he had no energy to make the effort.
"I'm glad you're awake, Loki," Tony whispered, smiling slightly wider, moving down to press a kiss to the corner of Loki's mouth, to which Loki let out an almost inaudible sound. Tony smiled once more.
There was no way Loki would be able to speak up, but it didn't matter. The fact that his eyes clearly told Tony that he was wanted was enough. Tony continued to stroke Loki's hair and from time to time he'd move down to slowly press their lips together.
"You can go to sleep if you want to," Tony whispered, "but I wouldn't mind you staying awake a little while longer, so I can look into your eyes." Yes, he had missed that. The colour of Loki's eyes was such an amazing shade of green. He wondered if anyone had ever told the God this, but figured being the first was certainly not what he wanted. Though it was hardly fair to keep the truth from those that could not lie.
He leaned down to kiss those lips he'd missed so much again, letting the kiss linger this time and as he moved back he breathed out, letting his breath snake over Loki's skin, who's frown increased somewhat. He had no idea why the sight amused him so much, but it was certainly one of the God's better expressions. "What is it?" Tony asked, as he watched the God's nose wrinkle just slightly.
Loki tried to voice a reply, but he had no voice at all for the moment, but his lips had formed the word 'smoke' and Tony knew it and realized exactly why the God had frowned; his breath stank of cigarette smoke... At first he smiled, then he laughed and after that he pressed quite a firm kiss to Loki's lips, not caring if it caused the other to whine at the smell. He was strangely glad the God was awake and he knew it showed and would probably lead to multiple jokes and remarks from Loki's side. But for the moment he did not care.
Loki was truly the only one that knew of Tony's secret habit and somehow also that fit. He continued to stroke Loki's hair until he finally found Loki falling asleep. About ten minutes later there was a knock on the door and he jolted back, hands moving away from Loki and his back straightening. "Yes?" he asked, to which the door opened and Thor stepped inside.
"Has he awakened?" he asked. Tony laughed softly at the choice of words as it sounded much like Loki was some kind of gruesome dragon-like monster, or at least that was what Tony pictured.
"He was, now he is sleeping," he said, looking down at Loki shortly. "I think, mentally, that he's feeling pretty good, actually," Tony said. "At least... not so bad as when the Tesseract was controlling him. I think he was terrified. I have the feeling he now has a sense of being himself again, whatever that is," he said, giving Thor a slight shrug.
"I hope I can rely on your words, as do I hope for them to be true," Thor spoke. "I will hope for him to come to senses..." Thor turned to Tony, then raised his eyebrows. "I must tell you not to get your hopes up for his kindness. He will have been kind, but that is due to his tire," Thor explained. "Do not rely on him to treat you nicely when he is fully recovered."
"We got along fine before he drank that stuff," Tony said, raising his eyebrows a little to tell Thor to mind his own business and that he knew perfectly what Loki was like. "You know, you telling me how Loki is going to disappoint me is maybe exactly why Loki is so angry," Tony spoke, raising his eyebrows. Jane stood in the door opening, but he ignored that. "I know you find it hard to trust your brother, as he is not exactly reliable at most times, but you can trust in him," Tony spoke confrontationally.
Thor looked at him in a slightly offended manner. "I just wanted you to be prepared for it, should he disappoint you," Thor spoke, raising his eyebrows.
"You're a hopeful lot," Tony spoke, raising his eyebrows. Thor frowned a little at the man's harshness, though Jane knew something else, linking it to Tony's peculiar behaviour when they has tried to revive Loki.
"Tony," she spoke, looking him over. "Why don't you leave him for a moment. You need some time out of here. Why don't you go for a walk?"
"I'm fine," Tony responded. "I don't do walks, which you may have realised and to be honest, I don't want to leave him for a moment with that..." Tony squeezed his eyes shut. "You know what, good idea, I'll go," Tony said, looking back at Loki, Thor at his side, before leaving with Jane, not very amused about finding out where her questions were going to go now.
He wondered why he'd gone along with this idea, as it certainly wasn't his style to take a 'time-out', but it was probably for the best to get away from Loki for now. If only for the fact that it would be less suspicious. He'd been acting weird, he realized, and others were slowly beginning to notice. Of course, especially Jane would look right through whatever lies he put up. Which he wasn't all too happy with. Well, he was just going to have to be his genius self and make sure that he would put enough white lies up so she wouldn't consider actually believing that he felt more for Loki than pure, bitter and nasty hate.
"You must have enjoyed Loki's company when he was staying here before he went to SHIELD," Jane spoke. He gave an honest shrug, turning to the living room to get himself a scotch, which he offered to Jane too. She turned it down. Pff, Pepper wouldn't have.
"It was better than being alone, I must say," he said, shrugging, "but it usually caused for more complications than anything else. Finding three dead members of SHIELD in my house, about to be thrown out of the window, was the last drop, as you may have heard," he explained. He'd never really talked to Jane and he wasn't sure if he liked it. She was too... sweet. He preferred Pepper, who knew him much better and knew exactly what to do to make him do things and how to approach him. "His presence did make me long for those times alone, though."
She looked up at him and laughed softly. "It must be weird to have five extra people in your house," she raised an eyebrows.
"Yes," he just said, not wanting anyone to feel unwelcome. He smiled at her and drank his scotch, pacing through the living room. "You know, I'm going for a spin," he said, placing his glass down on one of the shelves, walking outside to get suited up. He waited for the mask to come over him, Jarvis connecting to the suits system.
"Good afternoon, sir," Jarvis spoke. "Any requests?"
"Keep a good eye on Loki, let me see it about... here," he motioned with his eyes where he wanted it to be, then started his repulsors, flying off through New York City, over to the sea. He needed time alone, indeed, out of that room. But that was not talking to Jane, despite the fact that she had questions and wanted to know every single detail of everything he said. Why did she want her suspicions confirmed like this? Ha, he was assuming so much, while she'd hardly said anything.
Anyway, Tony Stark didn't do walks, he just did this: flying.
It was hours before he came back, enjoying the freedom of being able to soar through the air freely. Who could stop him anyway? He knew SHIELD had told him not to overuse the suit, but he made his own rules. He did what he wanted and if he wanted to take off for a few hours, then he would.
He watched Loki's room in the corner of his eyes, seeing how Thor stayed with him and later on Jane appeared. They were talking and Loki seemed to remain asleep. It was an okay sight. At least Loki wasn't on his own. "You are requested home, sir," Jarvis spoke after a while, to which Tony felt a rush of panic go through him. There was no need for it, however, as Tony could see Loki in the corner of his eye.
"What for?" Tony asked. Dinner, apparently. Bruce Banner had made a large amount of vegetarian Falafel. Tony wasn't all too sure what to think of Bruce's food as he always had the feeling he was eating too many green thing and truly, Tony Stark just liked good tasting food. He had a good physique, a good mind and not such a good heart, but that was regardless of his eating, and still Banner was telling him how meat in a diet was unnecessary and that vegetarian food could be just as nice. Stark, honestly, couldn't care all too much and had much better things on his mind. He did, however, have a severe objection against turkey and any other meat that came from poultry.
Once he got there, they were all sitting around the table.
"Did I say you guys are allowed to start without me?" Tony asked, stepping towards them and taking a seat himself, despite how he wanted to check on Loki first. "Why is everyone silent?"
"He was pleading for you, in his sleep," Thor spoke.
"Why do we need this get together for that? Maybe I'm just a very good babysitter, if you don't mind my choice of words," Tony said, reaching out for one of the pita breads filled with Bruce's 'stuff'.
"When I say plead, I really mean plead," Thor spoke, letting out a sigh. "Maybe you should go and see him first... he sounded, upset..."
Tony frowned and got up. "Why isn't anyone with him then?" Tony asked agitatedly, heading down the hall to Loki's bedroom. Secretly he was glad with the excuse to go see him, although he realized he might still have come across too eager. Well, he would need to ensure that his hatred for Loki got to show as often and as fiercely as possible over the coming few days. That would stop them from making any assumptions they shouldn't.
He closed the door behind him immediately when he entered the room and what had been quite a casual pace suddenly turned into a rush, as he sped to the side of Loki's bed. "How're you feeling?" he asked, trying not to sound tooconcerned, but interested at the very least. Loki's eyes fluttered open and the pained and troubled expression that Tony hadn't missed doubled when he saw it in the green of his eyes too. "What's up?" he continued to ask. For some strange reason Loki's eyes were looking him over entirely and every second that passed his expression seemed to ease. That certainly was a strange thing to do. One might almost thing that it was merely his presence that soothed the God that should hate him.
"Where did you go?" Loki asked and it was the strangest question Tony could imagine him asking. Especially since it seemed like Loki was judging him for going in the first place, which was simply bizarre.
"Out. Flying and stuff. Just out."
"Why?" Loki continued to ask.
"Is this an interrogation or something?" Tony asked, a little taken aback. "I'm here now, alright. That's all that matters." But clearly it wasn't all that mattered. Not to Loki anyway. "What? I've been here all the time, you can hardly blame me for wanting some fresh air."
Loki looked up at Tony, seemingly offended by his words, though Tony could not say exactly what was offending by them. "Now, what's up?" he asked, his hand moving up to Loki's forehead, gently brushing his hair back. He leaned down to plant a soft kiss on his forehead, then moved up. Loki still looked worried, to which Tony just let out a sigh. "Loki, look, I need some fresh air every now and then. Seeing you like this isn't... easy," he said, though hated to admit it. Loki's face turned to a slight grin, though at Tony's fierce look, it cleared off to spare Tony the anger he might have provoked. That maybe only made it worse, though.
"Do you find that amusing?" Tony asked, raising his eyebrows. Loki shook his head, looking at him in a manner that said the same as: 'I don't know what you're talking about.' Tony found his returned act amusing, somehow liking how Loki had become more Loki again, despite how that could cause quite a lot of trouble...
"I find it amusing that you daren't tell me what you feel, while I know so exactly from your facial expressions and your timing of humour," Loki spoke, looking up at Stark.
"Which facial expression?" he asked, looking the God over. Or should he say: ex-God?
"Which timing of humour?" Loki replied, raising his eyebrows. "Your jokes are bad, Stark," he said, raising his eyebrows.
"Which jokes?" Tony asked, the same dumbfound look on his face, as if he had no clue as to what Loki was talking about.
Loki just gave him a glare, though it wasn't even half as intense as it usually was. Loki was still so incredibly tired and he could see that incredibly well.
"I don't..." Tony sighed, "I don't know what the problem is," Tony said, humour tinting his words, sarcasm laying thick on his tongue.
"Stark, this is enough," Loki spoke, quite frustratedly so as Tony's remarks had seemed to go on as long as what seemed forever.
"Now that's my sense of humour; making Loki whinge," he said, raising his eyebrows as if he had truly accomplished something. "Now, do you want something to eat, 'cause I'll bring you something. I'm hungry, but I'll eat through there," he spoke, nodding towards the kitchen.
"Why not here?" Loki questioned, disappointment clear in his eyes. Tony's hand moved back from Loki's forehead and he gave a bit of a shrug.
"People are beginning to get suspicious," he said, shrugging it off like it meant nothing at all. "Now, do you want something or not?" Loki just shrugged, seemingly not so pleased with Tony's words about everyone's suspicions.
"Suspicions of what?" Loki then asked. Tony let out a soft sigh and raised his eyebrows.
"I think you know exactly what," Tony said, leaning down. He'd missed those lips anyway, he might as well kiss them to prove his point and so he planted his lips on Loki's, kissing him firmly. He let their lips move together while his hand moved to the back of the God's head, pulling him up and firmly against him, amused by the ease of which he lifted Loki. Though what amused him more were Loki's squeezing hands on his shoulders, pressing him closer and tighter to him.
Tony loved the fact that Loki liked his kisses and what he loved perhaps even more was the fact that Loki did not try to hide it, at least not now. Loki wrapped his arms around Tony and let out a soft moan into Tony's mouth, to which the God stiffened, clearly ashamed about what he had just done. Tony just kissed him back firmer, wanting another noise like that and slowly he found himself climbing upon the bed, moving further over Loki. His hand made a fist in the man's hair and he found himself up on top of Loki, claiming him with his lips and tongue, making the puny God his.
"We shouldn't-" Loki somehow managed to get in, but Tony felt so little for another one of Loki's comments that he kissed the thoughts away. Yet it lingered, for they indeed shouldn't be doing these things. Now, Tony wasn't the one to obey to any sort of rules or general ideas of what should and shouldn't be done, but in this case the chances were that someone would knock on the door at any given moment, which was unfortunate.
"Getting rid of them should be easy enough," Tony then said and he received quite the amused look from the God below him.
"It's deceivingly harder than you think, trust me, I tried."
For a moment Tony stared at him, but a moment later he was laughing. Perhaps this was one of those things he shouldn't find funny at all, especially since he hadnearly been killed that day, but he didn't care! The sparkle in Loki's eyes and the seriousness in his tone accompanied the comment so well that Tony could not do anything, but grin.
Tony amusedly kissed Loki's lips once more. "I must return to get food," Tony spoke, kissing Loki for longer this time. He held Loki's face in his hands and planted a pretty perfect kiss upon his lips. He smiled against the God's skin, then moved back to get up and walk back to the kitchen.
"What was it?" Thor asked as he returned, which he did in a very normal pace. He joined the table as if nothing had just occurred in the bedroom and started to eat what he had intended to eat all along.
"Nothing, he just wanted to know where I'd got off to. Apparently he likes me over all of you, but he doesn't like me having alone time because that means he'll have to be alone," Tony spoke, a the tone in his voice inclining that he perhaps wasn't all too satisfied with Loki's way of clingy act.
"That's odd," Bruce said, as no one said anything for a short while and it was certainly becoming awkward.
"I know," Tony said, trying to sound sincere. "It's like he's hit his head or something. Ah well, liking be over the lot of you guys isn't quite so weird, I have to admit, but actually missing me."
"He missed you?" Thor asked.
"Apparently so," Tony said, though felt it was high time to change the subject. If they lingered here much longer one of them might just string things together they shouldn't. "So, don't you guys thing it's about time to leave me alone again? Don't get me wrong; love the lot of you, but you know... I like privacy."
"What of Loki?" Thor asked. "He cannot come to Asgard yet."
"If he hasto stay here, then fine... I'll let him have that room."
Thor seemed pleased and soon, as they finished dinner, they were setting out to leave, much to Tony's delight. Soon, Thor was the only one still around, for the sake of needing a last word with Loki. Tony knew Loki wouldn't like the company, but figured being alone afterwards would make up for it. (He hadn't yet figured out exactly in what way it would make up for it, though.)
Loki lay restless, yet exhausted. He wondered why Tony hadn't come back when he'd left to get food, but figured that he'd got caught up in conversation. It felt so similar to the many times he'd waited on Thor, who had ended up caught up in whatever nonsense they'd planned. Often Loki had fallen asleep on Thor's bed, before he'd returned. It didn't matter. And this mattered even less. It was just Tony, after all, someone he hated.
The door opened and for a moment he felt hopeful, but when he saw Thor nearing he could only sigh and look away.
"Loki," Thor spoke and Loki knew what the tone of voice meant: a goodbye with a good, long list of rules attached.
"You don't have to tell me," he replied, before finally looking up. He moved then and pushed himself up into a sitting position, despite how it hurt him.
"Tony is letting you stay with him," Thor spoke. "Please behave."
"I will decide my course of actions myself, Thor, like I always have."
"It would certainly not be wise to forget your manners now you are offered a place to stay. Do you want to return back to dwelling the streets?"
"I do not care for a place to stay or for warmth," he spoke, quite fiercely, although he knew he needed to be careful not to speak a lie.
"Try not to draw too much attention. We do not want SHIELD to have another reason to lock you up."
"They have reason enough as it is," Loki spoke, though he knew Thor was right. He didn't want to go back there, certainly not now he'd grown only weaker. He didn't want to have to go through that again... Yet, one day he'd have to go back, for the ones that opposed him faced severe punishment. That day would come.
"Please, my br- Loki, be true to yourself and find it in your heart to do good."
"Spare me your riddles of good and evil," Loki said, though he had noted how Thor had stopped calling him his brother. On the one hand it pained him, on the other it was a sign that he was slowly being heard.
"I will await your return to Asgard," Thor spoke, leaning over Loki and pressing a kiss to his forehead, a token of true care. "Take care, Loki," he stood and bowed his head a little, showing Loki a certain form of respect, after which he headed for the door.
Loki didn't want to see him go, though could not bare another minute of Thor's presence, not like this. He hated Thor and all he'd done to pain him, he hated it all... "Goodbye, Thor," Loki spoke, wanting to have said something, though not knowing what. What could he say to one he didn't believe to be any better than he was, though constantly tried to prove himself to?
"Goodbye, Loki," Thor spoke, facing Loki for a moment, giving him a smile of reassurance, before leaving the room.
Moments passed in which Loki slipped into dark places, dark places that the thoughts of Thor brought him to. Memories of being alone, memories of waiting, but it all did not matter as he was not that boy that waited anymore. He was that boy that was going to make Thor wait, for he was going to prove himself to be stronger and better than any other.
The door opened and Tony slipped inside, who'd been gone for long. Loki's eyes opened and turned towards the scientist, his body still upright, though having slipped down into a slight awkward position. Loki tried to adjust himself, which Tony watched. "I needed to take Thor out of the city," Tony spoke, to which Loki just nodded, then frowned slightly. Why hadn't he heard any thunder yet? "He wanted to take in the city before he left," he said. "I gave him another ten minutes walk before he could get to a place open enough for him to leave without causing too much uproar," Stark said, giving him a slight laugh.
Loki shrugged a little, looking the other way. "He said he didn't want you to be alone as he left."
"Like I'd mind him leaving..." Loki said, his voice showing aversion towards the idea. Tony frowned as no threads appeared on his lips, but somehow Tony knew why. Loki himself didn't know whether he minded Thor leaving... "I couldn't..." Thunder cracked, making Loki flinch, his shoulders moving up in shock.
"Shh, it's okay," Tony said, running his hand over Loki's forehead.
"I don't need your comfort! He can leave whenever he wants to. He doesn't need to check that with me, okay?" Loki said, anger visible in his eyes, though fear and sadness too.
"Alright, Loki," Tony said and they sat in silence, listening to the thunder and the storm that was soon raging. Loki's eyes seem to shift through the room, looking for some sort of point of focus that he couldn't find. There was no distraction from the noise, not to Loki. It meant too much to the God and yet he pretended not to care, but Tony could see right through the act, of course. He'd read too many pages of that book not to know these sorts of things about Loki, despite how the God would probably prefer it if he didn't know. Well, nothing to do about that anymore.
"So, you're probably hungry," Tony said, after a moment. Loki's eyes shot to meet his and for a moment Tony was unsure what his reaction would be. "There's not much left of dinner," he said. "Thor has quite the appetite."
"I don't want anything," Loki replied then.
"It's not about what you want," Tony replied. "But certainly you needto eat."
Loki let out a sigh and Tony pressed a firm kiss to his temple. "You can let your guard down, okay, it's just me you're with," Tony spoke, standing up to fetch some food.
"Do you think you can convince me to trust you just like that?" Loki asked, to which Tony shrugged and stepped towards the door, opening it.
"You can trust me, that's what I'm saying. That's all," Tony spoke, leaving for the kitchen. The food was long cold and tidied up, but he managed to get one of the breads filled, after warming up the falafel balls again. He took that to Loki, unsure if it would be enough, or perhaps too much. "Here," he spoke, placing the plate down on Loki's lap, who'd neatly waited where he was. "It's quite nice, actually. Have a try."
Loki shrugged a little, looking away from the plate. "You don't like eating while someone's watching, do you?" Tony asked. "Why not? It's just eating, everyone eats..."
"I don't care that everyone eats, I just don't want to," he said. Tony raised his eyebrows for a moment, though knew that cracking a few jokes about it wouldn't help Loki explain to him what the problem was, which was eventually what Tony wanted him to do. So, he tried his best not to provoke that guarding side of Loki any further.
"I'm not going to laugh at you for eating," Tony said and he meant it. Although, if Loki continued to make this big a problem out of it it might just end up being funny to see the God eat. That, however, would be entirely Loki's fault.
"I simply don't want you to see," Loki replied. In the end Tony figured that it was more important that Loki ate, than it was for Tony to figure out why he wouldn't and thus he left the God alone for a good twenty minutes. When he returned Loki had put the empty plate aside and had taken the book to write in it, which he quickly closed upon Tony's nearing.
"It wasn't that bad, was it?" Tony asked, nodding towards the plate. Loki shook his head, though didn't seem to be in the mood to continue their talk of food. "What are you writing?" As if he would answer that...
"I'm writing about you," Loki replied, much to Tony's confusion.
"What about me?" me asked, instantly moving closer to try and take a glimpse at the pages.
Loki pressed the book to his chest, making it impossible for Tony to look into it. "It's rude to say things about someone behind their back," Tony teased, moving closer to try to pry the book out of Loki's hands.
"No it's not. I write what I want," Loki spoke, his eyes narrowing as they connected to Tony's. "It's none of your business."
"Oh, well, then it isn't," Tony said, rolling his eyes. He moved to lie down on his stomach on the bed, looking at Loki. "Carry on, if you want, I can't see what you're writing and it's none of my business, so I won't try to read it," Tony spoke, shrugging casually.
"You're not very subtle," Loki spoke, a tone of boredom in his voice. "Can you leave me be?" he asked, looking at Tony, making him frown. Loki seemed troubled, troubled with something he'd been writing about. Perhaps Loki was as confused as Tony was about Loki confiding in Tony.
"Do you mind if I work in here?" he asked. He had certain things to sort out for Stark Industries that Pepper had kindly left for him to do. She would have come over this afternoon so they could do it together, though considering the circumstances, that wouldn't have gone so well. With that, he didn't even have any time for it.
Loki just shrugged and Tony left for a moment, before coming back with one: other clothes on, and two, a set of screens and stands that he needed. "Okay, you write your stuff, I do my finances," he said, letting out a soft sigh. The light of his arc reactor shone through his sleeveless shirt brightly and he actually wondered if Loki knew what it was. Better that he didn't know, before he attempted to yank it out of him.
He set up the screens around him and started to get the placing of it all sorted so he could start figuring out how he was going to have to pay less and receive more money. Tricky, but he could do it. And so he spent hours calculating, cursing to himself and getting angry every now and then. He didn't even pay so much attention to Loki, until it was gone midnight and he'd found that Loki had fallen asleep, book still open in his lap, the pen resting on the paper. He was apparrently in the middle of a sentence. Tony smiled and stepped towards him. Yes, this was how it was supposed to be; Tony working, Loki sleeping.
The God seemed so perfectly at peace that Tony was afraid to disturb him. He didn't want to leave the God to rest in the state he was now, however, as surely that would hurt his neck and back in the morning.
He took the pen from between Loki's fingers and - casting his eyes on the book - forced himself to close it, before he laid it down on the nightstand. Sure, a few words had caught his attention, how could he not have peeked? He'd seen his own name and what had surprised him was the fact that Loki had referred to him as 'Tony', not 'Stark' or 'The Man of Iron' or any other weird nickname the God had for him. He had also seen the words 'alone', 'death wish', 'better if I' and 'to lose you', but it was difficult to string together what that was supposed to mean and he didn't allow himself another look.
He took hold of Loki, who let out a soft, semi-annoyed, noise as he was being lifted and moved. It was a good thing Tony had experience lifting things and Loki was hardly a problem. Surely, he weighed more than another human his size would, but that was only to be expected when you were, in fact, a God.
"Rest, Loki, don't wake," he spoke softly as he saw Loki's eyes move behind closed eyelids. He moved the covers up and tucked him in and soon was back to work. Yet, he couldn't keep focused, continuously trying to picture the page he'd seen in the hope he'd get to understand what Loki had been writing about him. It was ridiculous; he wasn't the one for respecting other's secrets. Not like this, anyway. Not with Loki. And his name had been on that page! How could he not want to know, when it was about him. Then suddenly it struck him. Loki had written 'to lose you' not 'to lose him' and a moment later he had grabbed the book and was trying to find the right page. (Loki had written in most of the sidelines and on all the empty pages that followed the closing of chapters.) The text was directed at him, not about him! He couldread it!
Then he found it and he immediately started reading, despite the guilt he felt at doing so.
To Tony,
I thought that I knew what being alone felt like, when I'd lost the closeness with Thor, a long time ago, but the truth is that only now do I know how to put the word 'alone' in perspective. I am alone, as I always am, as nobody truly understands anything, not even a bit, but you do understand more than anyone has done before, because for some reason you want to. Only now to I realise how alone I truly was.
You saved me, for when I let myself fall, I truly wanted to die. I did not want to carry on the sorry life I had that was hardly a life at all. I had nothing, I have nothing and thus my death wish still stands. I do not want to live a life whilst knowing the torture that I have been through. I do not want to live whilst constantly being reminded of true pain, whilst knowing that there is pain much more severe than most have experienced.
It would be better if I was not here, as I only cause trouble to the people that have shown me that they care. I have infiltrated your life which was previously fine and now complicated. I have infiltrated, like I tried to infiltrate Thor's, whilst only breaking every single thing he loved. I don't want to break you as you are the only one whom has shown true care and understanding. I hate you for it, do not misunderstand me.
I don't want to lose you, but there is no other way, for I am not worthy of anybody's company, or anybody's trouble. I am not worthless and thus I will go and you might tell me that I should not, but I have made up my mind. My pain of losing you will be stilled at death and everyone will forget me, like they did when they thought I was dead. Nothing will change, for I was never alive again after my fall after all.
There were scribbles in another language below these words, which Tony could not reveal the meaning of. It was quite a large amount of scribbles, formed with letters he didn't even recognise, though had seen elsewhere throughout this book.
"Thank you" was written at the bottom of the page, with Loki's name below it, but there was enough room for Loki to still finish the letter. It was not yet finished, but it didn't matter. Tony knew Loki's secret now and he knew that he was going to have to do everything in his power to stop Loki from inflicting pain on himself, stop him from taking his own life.
He closed the book, taking a deep breath, tucking Loki in better. He kissed the sleeping man's forehead and headed to the bar, grabbing enough alcohol for the rest of the night and figuring that he might as well carry on with what he needed to work on, as he could not sleep with Loki's deep thoughts on his mind.