A/N: Thank you all for still reading this story and hopefully enjoying it! Apologies in advance for the angsty chapter, we hope you like it!
Chapter twelve) A tragedy.
The morning came much the same as the second morning they'd been together had felt. Loki had got up before Tony had managed to pull him out of the sleepy drunken haze that he had finally fallen asleep in. On the couch, mind you. Loki was searching through the cupboards once more and seemingly didn't care about doing it quietly, despite the severe headache that Tony had to deal with.
"Loki, shut up," he groaned into one of the pillows as the noise was getting ridiculous. Okay, possibly it wasn't that bad, but it certainly had a great effect on his only partially sober mind. Loki didn't seem to take his order to heart, as the noises continued. What was he doing? "Loki!" Tony groaned again, louder this time, but he once more got no response, other than a slightly harder slammed shut kitchen door. "That's unnecessary," Tony commented, but he already figured that whatever he tried Loki would not listen.
A few minutes later the noises had ceased and he heard footsteps leave the room. That was good, he thought, while falling back asleep. He had no idea how much time had passed when he woke once more, but when he did the alerting thought of the book rushed through his mind and a moment later he was pushing himself up fully.
Dizzy, nauseated and exhausted still, he stepped towards the kitchen. Some cupboards were still opened, others were flung shut again. Ah, what exactly had this havoc appointed to, Tony wondered, but he couldn't figure it out. He looked at the few draws that weren't shut properly. There was some cutlery spread across the counter and other kitchen machinery had found its way onto the floor...
He sighed.
"Loki..." he spoke, while making his way to the God's room. But not a moment later he was was rushing back to the kitchen, pulling open the cutlery draw. It wasn't that all cutlery had found its way into the mess... No, only the knives had. Immediately he scanned the rest of the kitchen and his eyes fell onto the holder he had for the sharper knives. Not one was still in place...
Barely three seconds later he stood knocking on Loki's locked door. "Loki! Fuck you! Open this god damned door! Now!" No response. "Jarvis, open it, now." And surely another second or so later a click sounded throughout the door's system indicating that it was unlocked. Loki wasn't in his room and immediately Tony raced to get into the bathroom, which was locked as well. "Open, open, open," he spoke impatiently, worry lining his every move.
Tony slammed his hands on the door. "Jarvis! For fuck's sake today is not a good day to be slow!" The door unlocked itself and he pushed it opened immediately. Loki stood in the room, his shirt off, panic running through him. He was letting out lots of pained noises, noises of fear and Tony found sharp knives lying a all over the floor. There was blood, but he didn't know where it had come from and thus he just stepped towards Loki, picking him up from the ground.
Loki let out a pained scream, which he let out due to his panic and his incapability to remain silent. He was losing control of himself and it was only when he had pulled Loki up, he saw the blood dripping from his chest, the largest knife in Loki's hand. It was shaking, as was Loki's entire body. "Loki, shh," he whispered, picking him up so he wouldn't accidentally cut his toes, or foot, off by these sharp knives.
"Loki, it's okay, I'm here," he spoke. "I read it, it's okay, I know... I know," Tony spoke, though his words only caused Loki to cry harder, a fist stomping against Tony's chest, though he was not truly angry with Tony, he was just terrified and it was a fear Tony's never seen in another.
He put Loki down on the toilet after having put the lid down and he looked at his chest. Loki had pushed the knife into his chest, but not far, he had stopped, too afraid to carry on. Tony's lips pressed to Loki's collar bone, then to his neck and then to Loki's trembling, whimpering lips, wet with tears. "You're safe with me, Loki, trust me, please,that you're safe with me..."
He had taken hold of the knife as he was afraid Loki wouldn't be capable to hold it steady and it might tear through his skins in ways Tony really didn't want. He took a firm hold of it, though didn't yet pull back. It was hard to judge how far the knife was pushed inside him, though feeling how steady the hilt was it was quite deep... It sickened Tony, but he could not allow himself to show it. Loki was trembling enough for the both of them.
"I need to pull it out," Tony said. "But you might start bleeding a lot more when I do." If only he knew what to do in situations like this! "Jarvis," he said, trying to keep his voice steady. He held Loki firmly and knew he was scaring the God as he basically held all the control over Loki's mortal body. The knife was in his hand, after all and he did not allow Loki to take it over again. No, he didn't trust the God with something like that. "Jarvis, get- Just search- Search whatever..."
Jarvis spoke something affirmative, to which Tony just locked his eyes on Loki's. "This is going to hurt, maybe more than it did to push it in," he spoke, looking deeply into Loki's tear-filled eyes.
"I want to go!" Loki screamed, his hands trembling. "I want to go, don't you see?!" he screamed. "I am nothing! I don't dese-"
Tony's lips were on Loki's cutting his words off. "You are not nothing, you are much more than nothing," he spoke, pressing his nose to Loki's. "And if you can't find what you are, then you are mine, just that," Tony spoke, never having spoken such words since the relationship he'd had many, many years ago, after which he'd promised himself never again to get involved with someone. And now he had...
"Tony," Loki's voice was a mere whisper and his fingers were on Tony's face. It was the first time the God had called him by his first name, out of his own will. "Kill me," he whispered softly, his fingers running over the side of Tony's face.
"Shut your eyes," Tony spoke, moving closer, his lips gently brushing Loki's. "I love you," he whispered in the softest way he could manage. He pulled back and Loki's eyes remained shut.
Tony took a deep breath, his hand holding onto the knife firmly, his hand clenching Loki's shoulder firmly. "Now feel," he spoke softly, "feel how far from 'nothing' you are." He then gave the knife one pull, which made blood gush out of Loki's chest. The knife wasn't as deep as it could have been, but this was fatal. He could die, right now, he could die.
Loki's eyes opened and he looked up at Tony. He coughed softly and blood trickled down his chin. "What have you done...?" Loki whispered and Tony was pulling his own shirt off pressing it against the wound, stopping the bleeding.
"I'm saving you," he replied, though he had no idea how he was going to manage to keep the God alive this time. "I seem to be doing that a lot lately. I blame you for it. Well, this is all sort of your own fault, so I guess I can legitimately blame you for it, not just because I hate you or anything."
"Stop," Loki replied and it was almost a plead.
Loki breathed in deeply, but could not seem to find it in his power to overcome the pain he felt. Had Tony's act of pulling the knife out of Loki's chest condemned him to his death? There must be a way to stop him from bleeding as he was not bringing Loki to a hospital, that would only go wrong.
"Notify Banner, we may need a surgeon," he spoke to Jarvis, holding his shirt against the wound to stop the bleeding and letting the blood clot. He then pressed his thumb to Loki's chest, where a main artery ran.
"I've almost died several times, Loki, you can get through this," he whispered.
"I don't want..." Loki carried on, but a cry left him then and Tony held him forwards to let him cough up the blood. Internal bleeding... which meant that death was creeping up on him closer.
"Cough it up," Tony insisted, leaning Loki forwards further. "You can pull through this, Loki," he said, his t-shirt soaking up the blood letting it clot. "You have an internal bleeding and I'm not sure what of, but it can be lethal and it will be a horrible death," he spoke. "So you have to look me in the eyes until that big scary guy comes to help me fix you up, okay?" Loki's eyes avoided Tony's frantically, but as he spoke Loki's name once again, firmly, their eyes were connected and Loki gave a nod, indicating that; yes, he would listen to him and he would keep looking at him.
"Good," Tony spoke.
"Doctor Banner is nearing," Jarvis spoke. "He says to keep the wound pressured and shut off, though let air escape. Air can enter the cavity-"
"Fine," Tony spoke, lifting a part of his shirt. His heart was beating faster and faster and Tony had trouble staying calm, but he had to. He really had to. Loki was internally freaking out enough for the both of them, after all. Frankly, Tony couldn't blame him for it. The God didn't seem to know what he wanted to happen; to survive or die. It should suddenly be troublesome if he slipped from their grasp, because his will to die.
"Just think about what happened last time," Tony then said, although he knew it was unfair to imprint such things onto the God's mind, especially now he was already tormented. "You fell, but you didn't die. Don't make the same mistake. Don't fall."
"What i- if... I can... d- die?"
"Don't even dare go there, Loki! If you die I'll go to any fucking length to bring you back to live and kill you once more myself. And I'll make sure you've never suffered like that, alright?" he replied, quite angrily as Loki's death was simply something he couldn't handle at the moment. He wouldn't admit it though. Well, Loki was probably capable to read between the lines, anyway, so in a way he hadadmit it.
He tried not to fear how pale the God had become, or the litres of red that were seeping from his body. "You better fucking stop this, okay?" Tony said, although he knew there was nothing Loki could do at this moment.
"Sir, shall I sent doctor Banner to you?" Jarvis spoke up.
"Yeah, hurry," he replied and about a minute later Bruce was stepping into the bathroom. He rushed towards them then. Tony continued to hold Loki, while making place for Bruce.
"We need to lay him down. Table, preferably," Bruce said, voice shaking. Great, a nervous doctor. That usually didn't mean much good.
"Loki, are you fucking stupid?" Tony shouted as he saw Loki's eyes roll back. His hands moved to Loki's face and a moment later he had slapped him. Well, at any rate it worked, as Loki's eyes were open again and he tried to look up. Tony picked him up, while Bruce continued to press the cloth against the wound. As quickly as he could he carried Loki to the room where he kicked the bureau that stood against one of the walls more towards the middle, before laying Loki down onto it. "Jarvis, lights. All. On brightest. Now."
Loki's eyes were closed once more and Tony moved his hand to Loki's forehead. "Don't you dare!" he shouted angrily, before he watched Bruce take away the cloth to inspect the damage.
Loki's eyes kept snapping open as he was slapped across the face and Bruce was rushing all over the place, having taken his equipment with him to operate. "It's a good thing there were a lot of cases of stabbings in India, I've dealt with this before," he spoke, pulling on gloves and attaching Loki to a blood drip, a mask over his face to stabilize his breathing. "I have injected him with an anaesthetics, but it will not knock him out, we need him awake," he spoke, looking at Tony. "Keep him awake, okay?"
Tony did as Bruce said, trying not to look at the inside of Loki's body which seemed so very... bloody. "Hold this," he said, giving Tony a tube, which went into Loki's chest. It sucked blood out of him and his eyes widened.
"What is this for?!" Tony asked, though held it anyway.
"Come on, Tony, haven't you ever watched a hospital soap before?" Banner asked him. "You know what, you probably haven't," he said. "Pay attention to Loki, we can't have his heart rate dropping. Keep him awake, hero."
Tony held Loki firmly, the tube in place and he handed Banner a series of things he didn't recognise himself. Loki's eyes were slipping shut more and more as his heart kept slowing, but they couldn't do anything about it as Tony was already shouting at him and slapping him every moment his eyes shut. Loki couldn't even speak, or do anything to show Tony what he wanted to say. "I'm almost done, hold on there, Loki," Banner spoke, at which Tony's heart started to race.
"Hear that? You're going to be fine, Loki! Fine!" Tony spoke, running his fingers through Loki's hair, then pinching him as his eyes shut, though they didn't open very far as he pinched him. "Loki, come on," he said. "Loki..." he spoke and the machine that was checking his pulse, a smaller version of a heart-meter, started to beep slower and slower. "We're losing him," Tony spoke.
"No, we're not," he said. "The anaesthetics are spreading through his body, they're reaching into him," Banner replied. "His heart is steady, listen to the beeps," he spoke. "It's okay, as long as his heart stays at this rate and doesn't drop any further.
Bruce motioned to increase the amount of sucking that the machine did, so Bruce could properly sew the wound. "There we go," Bruce said. "He is stable," he spoke. "It will take days to heal, but he is stable," he said.
"Thor should've left some of those healing stones behind. We can't risk losing Loki again," Tony spoke sarcastically, but the relief in his voice was audible by the breaths he let out in between his words. "Are you sure he is alright?" he asked.
"No, you never can be, but his organs are stable and working, I just need to stitch his chest shut and you need to make sure to keep a real eye on him and not let this happen again," he spoke. "I can arrange a shrink, if he needs one," Bruce said, "though I have the feeling that he'll slaughter them, despite the fact that they're trying to help..." Bruce spoke, getting to stitching Loki's chest, which look longer than expected, but was done tightly and neatly. "I'm going to put a gauze around here, he needs to stay in bed and he needs to drink a lot and get his body stable. He needs to eat protein and lots of fruits," Banner explained.
Tony looked down at Loki, "What's going on now?"
"We need to wait until he wakes..." Bruce said, seeing the worry in Tony's eyes. "He will wake, Tony," Bruce spoke, starting to tidy things up that they no longer needed. "I think you need to have a hospital on one of your floors if you're going to let Loki stay here," Bruce spoke, letting out a sigh. "Now... what happened?"
Ah, of course, he hadn't actually thought about what he was going to answer to that question. In fact, he hadn't thought of anything, but Loki's safety. Suddenly, the whole situation seemed surreal. He continued to caress Loki's forehead and tangle his fingers through dark hair.
"He... tried to kill himself, again," Tony said, although he felt awkward speaking the words. "He doesn't actually think he's all that worthy. He just wants us to think he is. Secretly, he's more insecure than you are."
"Am I supposed to find that funny?" Bruce asked, though he didn't seem to mind the reference. "He doesn't seem the kind to easily change his mind, so he probably will try again."
"I know..." Tony replied and sighed softly. That was what frightened him most of all. Loki would not learn! No matter how hard Tony would try to convince him not to go... he would make another attempt on his life. And this time he'd already been almost too late, who was to say Loki's tactics wouldn't only improve?
"Perhaps you should... get one of those beds with the straps," Bruce said, giving a little shrug. He didn't know what more to say, other than being sorry about Loki's death wish.
"He keeps writing all these things in this book," Tony spoke. "About Thor and about him and about how terrible he always feels and last night I think he wrote a suicide note," Tony said, not so sure why he was telling this to Bruce, but who else could he talk to? "It was written to me... I don't know why, but I do know that he wants to leave. He truly believes there is nothing else here for him."
"But you," Bruce said, raising his eyebrows. Tony frowned, not wanting to bust his act and Bruce only nodded towards how Tony was subconsciously moving his fingers through Loki's hair. "He's got you and he knows that."
"But he doesn't care," Tony added, raising his eyebrows. "He doesn't care at all. He doesn't want my company, even when I tell him that he can talk about, well, everything," Tony said.
"He might not dare talk, that doesn't mean he doesn't want to." And that was the whole point, wasn't it? Loki was writing everything down, yet still pretended he wanted no one to know. But if that was so, would he not have burned the book before he attempted to kill himself? "You should probably lay him down on the bed. This mustn't be comfortable when he wakes."
"I'll have to clean the mess first," he said, meaning all the blood. Bruce nodded.
"Yes and you need sure to keep the wound clean. We don't want him to suffer from any infections.
"If he behaves I'll keep it clean, yeah," Tony replied, though knew perfectly well he'd go to any length to ensure Loki would be okay. Bruce knew this too, apparently, for the made no objections. That was worrisome.
Bruce stepped to the bathroom then, made a few comments about the knives that Tony needed to ensure were out of Loki's reach, before he got a few towels and wet them. They cleaned the blood off Loki's skin and threw most of the towels away afterwards, as it wasn't like Tony was short on money.
"Do you want me to stay?" Bruce asked, after they'd put Loki to lay in his bed. The God had awoken for a short moment, had muttered a few inaudible words and had fell straight back to sleep. That was good.
"No, it'll be fine, I'm sure," Tony replied. "I'll just have Jarvis keep a stronger watch over him."
"That seems to be a good idea, yes," Bruce said.
"What? You don't think I'm capable of looking after him?"
"No, I'm afraid he is too serious about this thing to easily let it drop and the first thing he'll try to do is win back your trust, so you will leave him alone for a good five minutes, which will no doubtfully be enough if he tried something again."
"Thanks for the tip," Tony replied, somewhat sarcastically, although he knew that Bruce didn't just speak what he'd learned in books. No, this was experience talking and thus Tony did take the message to heart. He couldn't trust Loki and he wouldn't.
"I guess I'd better get going then," Bruce spoke. "I'll leave the antiseptic and stuff you need to keep his wound clean here," he said, "and some extra thread, for you never know..."
"Let's hope it doesn't get that far... and I think I really should tie Loki up, it'd spare me a lot," he sighed, to which Bruce just shrugged a little.
"I'm sorry that the burden has fallen to you," Bruce spoke and Tony knew that Bruce had dealt with a lot himself. 'Trust me, I've tried', he'd said when it came down to getting rid of the big guy. Well, Tony decided not to linger on that.
"It's not a burden," Tony replied. "I don't mind, I just don't want to deal with this shit again."
And Bruce took that as Tony saying that he cared about Loki, a lot. "I'll leave you to it," and with that Bruce walked away, leaving Tony and Loki alone in the room once more.
The place was silent, as both Tony, and Loki just sat in silence. Tony paced through the room and sat silently, tapping his foot in mid air, just watching Loki. He then took out Loki's book and the pen and turned to the next empty page that he could find. He then started to write:
Dear Loki,
I have no expectations of you, only of myself. You don't need to live up to any standard to be accepted by me. All your life you have believed that you needed to prove yourself equal, or better, than Thor, but I do not require that from you. I don't require anything, but for you to be happy. I accept you in any way.
Tell me your story when you wake, I will be at your side.
Love,
Tony.
And so he put the book on Loki's lap, open, so Loki could read it immediately. He wondered if Loki would mind that he'd written in his book, but he paid little mind to it. He wasn't going to get anything else to write into and besides, Tony figured that he deserved to be in that book, now he'd saved Loki's life, again.
Soon Tony found himself sitting in the chair not too far from Loki's bed, watching over the God in the same silence as before, only this time it was perfectly interrupted by the sips of alcohol he took straight out of the bottle. Yes, this was much better. Although, after yesterday's mistake he would be sure not to overdo it again. Great. Loki would keep him from the single most important thing in his life: his drinking habits. He hoped the God was proud he could achieve such a thing, but something told Tony that it would only make things harder for Loki to know this. He did not want the attention, after all. Not this sort of attention, anyway.
About half an hour later Loki finally seemed to wake from his deep slumber. His body would be hurting and probably, deep down, he would be thirsty and hungry. He'd need the energy to heal... Tony didn't stand up from the chair or say anything, when he saw Loki move his hand. The God let out a soft noise, alike a groan. And soon enough he was trying to sit up. Bad idea... but Tony still didn't speak.
Loki then seemed to catch on to what had happened. Hands moved to his chest, but flinched away a moment later. He let out a soft cry, as it certainly pained him, but nothing else, nothing more... Then he grabbed the book and Tony's heart skipped beat. He was hidden in the shadows and he was doing such a good job of keeping silent that the God was perfectly unaware. Green eyes scanned the page and not a minute later the book was put down again and to Tony's horror Loki was crying.
Not just the occasional tear. No. He was actually crying, close to sobbing out loud. His shoulders shook with the impact and that clearly caused him to cry only more as his body was so very hurt. Tony waited for a moment, suddenly feeling quite the intruder. But then he got up, having put the bottle down on the ground. It was almost empty anyway. He moved forward and without giving Loki so much as the opportunity to look at him, his arms were around the God, granting him the opportunity to cry onto Tony's shoulder.
"Ssh, ssh, you're okay," Tony whispered comfortingly and soon Loki's cries continued, clearly unstoppable, even with the knowledge that Tony could feel his every shake. "Let it out."
Loki's hands grasped hold of Tony's shirt and he felt how the God shook his head, sobbing freely into Tony's shoulder, wetting it with his tears. He continued to stroke Loki's back, whispering words of reassurance into his ear, pressing kisses to his shoulder, neck, temple, cheek, nose, forehead, lips. He kissed him everywhere, holding him the closest and the firmest, though remaining careful, he'd ever held another. "Loki, shh," he whispered softly, "don't stop until it's all out, don't stop..." he told him, kissing his temple again.
He could cry too, Tony, mainly because he didn't want Loki to be upset, but too because of the alcohol. He wished the alcohol was the main reason, but he knew it wasn't. But Tony didn't cry, for Loki needed him strong, stable. He needed to be the shoulder that Loki had missed his entire life and Loki had enough reasons to need a shoulder. He wondered how Thor could have missed it, but wouldn't mention that, especially not now.
"Shh, try to breathe steadily, Loki, you don't want to get yourself in a panic," he reassured, helping to steady the God's breathing by giving him a clear rhythm to follow with his own breathing. He suddenly felt like a nurse doing so, but he was so much more than that. He was Loki's, even though he'd never admit that, and Loki was his, for without him Loki would be dead now. He would have killed himself, he would have drained. But Tony found him and wanted him to live and thus he was prepared to be this shoulder a lot more often, so Loki could cry on it, for the coming time would be much harder. Loki was going to have to get over his pain, find a way out of the hell that was his own mind...
"I'm going to try to make everything easier for you, Loki, trust me... just keep calm..." he whispered, kissing his temple again.
After another few minutes, his crying died down and slowly Loki was nothing more than an exhausted heap, a face wet and tear streamed, his eyes red and puffy. But Tony didn't mind and thus he just brought him tissues and helped him sit comfortably. "Don't touch the gauzes," he said as Loki's fingers fiddled with the bandages around his chest, which protected the stitches, for now.
Loki stopped and took the tissues and the glass of water Tony had given him, which Tony helped him drink. "I meant what I said, in that letter," he said, his voice softer than normal and not in any way intimidating. "I want to know your story and I will tell you mine."
Loki didn't reply, but he didn't have to. Tony understood that it would require a lot of effort for the God to manage to say anything, after everything that had happened and all the crying he'd done. Besides, the crying itself already had said so much... He'd let so much out that Tony could hardly blame him for not having a single thing to say.
"I can imagine you're still tired, but you've probably had enough of sleeping," Tony said, bringing the subject to more substantial matters for the moment. Certainly having Loki in this tired state wasn't going to help what would already be a difficult conversation. Besides, Loki first needed to concentrate on healing psychically, before Tony even dared to start about the mental stuff.
"I don't want to go crazy," Loki finally whispered, as Tony had started to comfort him by playing with his hair once more.
"Well, too late for that," Tony replied, jokingly, though quite honestly so. "Besides, it's not about being crazy or not, it's about knowing what you can and can't live with and dealing with the latter."
"Is that so?" Loki asked, somewhat sarcastically, though in a way intrigued as well.
"Yes, that's definitely so."
"We'll see," he said after a moment of silence, as he was trying to understand what Tony had truly meant with the words. There was always something you could do to make it better and the solution to not wanting to live with something was not death, but dealing with whatever this something was and either making it go away, forget about it or make it into something else.
"It's going to be hard," Tony said, "but not impossible."
"Don't tell me about impossible," Loki replied. "My whole life should have been impossible, yet here I still am."
"And forever bound to that one destiny. Is that what you're going to say?" Tony asked.
"My point seems fixed, yes. My destiny seems to bring ill with me wherever I walk. No matter the serenity in my heart and the good will on my mind. I am destinedto be evil."
"Then deal with it."
"How? Is it fair to continuously cause suffering, for the sake of feeling alive?"
"We'll find a way to make it work. We will. Besides, you don't sound evil now."
"Actions speak louder than words. Of all people, you should know this." And Tony did and he knew the God was right.