A/N: Warning, the following chapter contains mature content.
Chapter fifteen) Fantasy and Fiction
It hadn't exactly been a pleasant day, but it passed. He couldn't stop his mind wandering to where Tony might be, what he might be doing and if he was okay. Why did he worry so much about his enemy? Why did he want to hear from him and why did he hope that every time the door opened, it was because Tony was wanting to speak to him through that stupid phone. He let out a sigh, knowing that he'd be called within an hour to be taken to the showers. They said they wouldn't have to look at that, but that they'd guard the door. He hated it, he felt so belittled, like he was once again the child that knew nothing better than the rest of them...
He let out a sigh, no longer focused on the book that was before him. All these people here had been through much less than he had. He wanted to die, he wanted to end his life, even just for the reason that those stupid memories kept recurring. He didn't want them, he didn't want to dwell in those thoughts of misery. But he had no way of escaping, not here. Every time he entered the room, everything was checked and he was watched at every single minute of the day. Even when he was sleeping he was being watched. He knew that for certain.
He liked the book and he had almost finished it. He would have, would he not let himself dwell into his own thoughts. He hated it, how the story kept being interrupted by his own sudden panic that Tony may be in danger, that Tony may never come back... But he knew that he couldn't dwell on that and mostly the story was good enough to keep him from it... just not always.
He had lost himself in the book again and just a few seconds before the door opened, he snapped out of the trance, somehow knowing that someone was approaching. He felt like a small child, being told when to do this and when to do that. He was told when he could shower, when he had to shower and when he needed to eat and how much he needed to eat. Was there nothing he could decide himself?! He wondered how to approach the matter, for he was overpowered by the amount of agents. He could either work along to gain their trust and hope for them to give him more freedom, though risk them enjoying his cooperation fully. Or he could decide to fight against everything they made him do, which may make this all a lot more painful, but at least made sure that he thought he was keeping some... dignity, some self worth, which he didn't actually have. It was all just a mask...
"You can come and shower now," the now familiar agent spoke. But what if he was in the middle of a chapter? What if he needed to finish reading? What if the book would be gone by the time he returned?
He glared at her, shutting the book and putting it back into the box, which he closed neatly before he got up. He gave a short nod towards the woman, who let two guards enter before leaving herself, expecting Loki to follow her, one guard on each side to make sure he didn't lash out. Oh, this was all so wonderful... so wonderful!
It was worse when he got to the shower, as the guards stayed and he was pushed into a cubicle with a tower where he was supposed to shower. How was he going to do this with his wound this painful?! He let out a soft noise as the woman spoke: "Are you undressing yet? You don't have much time." To that, he sighed. He didn't want this, not even a little bit. He didn't want to get changed with someone so close, nor even focus on showering, or his wound. Couldn't they just leave him alone?!
After a few minutes, he slowly started to undress, though it hurt as when he bent to pull down his trousers, he instantly felt pain through his chest, making him gasp. "Loki..." the woman spoke. "If you don't hurry, I'm going to have to make you," she spoke, to which he indeed hurried and switched the water on, after having to look at it for ages. The water, however, was hot, burning his skin and he flinched backwards, it hurting a lot. He was naked and he hated it, he hated it all.
"Are you showering?" the woman asked.
"Yes," he replied, though he wasn't actually, for it was too hot. He couldn't see how he had to change the temperature and thus he let out a sigh. "The water is too hot."
"It's standard temperature," the woman replied, to which he sighed. He couldn't shower in this! He couldn't even... He could hardly stand in the steam that was coming off it. He hated this! Why couldn't he just be at Tony's, where he could shower at the temperature he wanted, where Tony might even help him clean the wound?!
"I can't shower in this," he spoke.
"No exceptions, Loki, don't be ridiculous, this is just normal temperature," the woman replied, to which he sighed. He already felt bad that he needed to ask about the temperature, that he apparently was too weak to handle this, that people found him ridiculous... He moved his hand out and saw how his skin reddened gradually at the heat. He stepped closer, seeing how there were bottle at the side of the shower, with the words: 'SHAMPOO', 'CONDITIONER' and 'SOAP' on it. He sighed, feeling like a child, once again...
He let the water run over him, accepting the way it hurt his skin. It wouldn't burn him, but it burnt all the little nerve endings, making them sensitive. It actually gave him goosebumps... As the water ran over his shoulders and down his front, he wanted to scream, the tears already filling his eyes. The wound suddenly stung intensely and his eyes shut, a gasp leaving him. He left the water, left it all and wet his hair, grabbing that stupid shampoo and rubbed it into his hair, rinsed it and backed away from the shower, grabbing the towel. He hated this, so much that he would almost tear all the threads out of his chest, would he dare to. He wanted to die. He wanted them to all wither and die and give him a knife so he could end it all. NOW.
Tony... The more distant his thoughts grew, the darker and deeper they disappeared, the more prominent his longing for Tony became.
They had arranged them all rooms, one each, which was good, but Tony definitely missed his own room, which was at least four times the size of this one. He was checking plans and communicating with Jarvis about the ship in the air. They were running scans and every hour new information was coming in and they were all on it, trying to figure out how to get aboard it. They didn't have much time, for they knew the crew aboard the ship would realise they were on the case, but they were progressing so quickly that they believed they'd be able to board the ship by the next day. Tony, however, could hardly keep his eyes open and thus, he told Jarvis to 'go back home' and shut the screens off. He took out his phone and gave SHIELD a call, but heard that Loki was not available... He threw a bit of a fit on his end of the phone and getting calm SHIELD agents telling him to calm down and that they understood was quite annoying, but at least he knew what was going on: Loki was in the shower. He didn't know how well that'd go, but it was okay, he thought, at least...
He lied down in bed, putting the phone at his side. He let out a sigh, his hands folding behind his head. He found it annoying; that he didn't get the chance to speak to Loki and that therefore he couldn't sleep. Nor did he have any scotch to send him to sleep. He spent about an hour tossing and turning, Loki on his mind, Loki in the shower, Loki in bed, Loki's kisses, Loki's lips, his gasps and his hand taking hold of Tony's shoulder. His frown and his annoyed groans. His chuckle, his grin, his sighs. And slowly but surely he felt himself become turned on.
He growled softly as his eyes opened and there was no Loki, but on the other side... why couldn't he be? His eyes shut again and he let his hand move downwards, first hesitating, for Loki and he hadn't even got this far and now he was touching himself about Loki? Well, fuck it, Loki didn't need to know, right?
His hand moved into his underwear and he spread his legs a little, his eyes shut and he was thinking of Loki's eyes, of his eyes that fluttered open when their kisses ended, the fingers that pulled on his hair when they kissed deeply. His hand took hold of himself and slowly he moved up and down and only now he realised how long it had truly been since he'd had the chance to be alone and do this. Constantly he was busy with Loki, worrying about Loki and worrying about what was going on with SHIELD. But now... well, now he was revelling in this.
Loki's name left his lips in a breath and his head moved back a little trying to imagine how it would be, would Loki touch him. He laughed softly, for he had the feeling that that wouldn't even happen. No, Loki wouldn't touch him... unless if it was forced...
Oh, yes, Loki, forced onto his knees, against the wall. He moved slightly faster. Loki, looking up annoyedly and slightly fearfully. His hips moving forwards, prying the God's lips apart and slowly bringing his length into Loki's mouth. It would be forced for so long, but eventually Loki would understand that he needed to suck and lick and hold onto Tony's hips, move his head forwards and let his length fill his mouth.
Tony was getting closer and closer, especially as he imagined those deep green eyes looking up at him as Tony shuddered. His hands would entangle into the God's hair, pull him closer and closer. He would fuck his mouth and Loki would move faster, sucking, licking, teasing his tip with the tip of his tongue. He would prolong the orgasm by teasing, blowing, slowing down and gently running fingertips over his length. A tongue and nose moving down his thigh while his hand pumped him slowly, carefully, almost preciously. Oh yes...
But then Loki would take him into his mouth wholly, he would suck, let Tony fill his mouth to the point he was sliding down his thoat. He would move so fast and suck so hard, he would do all that felt good and Tony would come, moaning so loudly, Loki's name lingering on his tongue, which he would let out in a breath as his come trickled down the God's throat.. And then Loki would let the orgasm ride out by stroking Tony's length up and down, slowly moving into a standing position, a grin on his face, an owning grin... Their eyes would connect, green with brown.
And then Tony's eyes opened and his heart was racing. Had Tony truly just moaned? How had he been so lost in this...? His hand was covered in cum and he found it amazing, the orgasm still crashing through him, though softly, like a stroke over his lower stomach.
He just curled up, pulled the covers around him better and let his eyes close once more. His eyes connected with Loki's and they pulled him into a dream.
It was strange, when Loki lied in bed, on his side, reading the book, the light turned to dim. It was strange, because he felt something right in the pit of his stomach. He sensed something, something strange but somehow good... It was the same kind of feeling he got after sharing a long kiss with Tony, which he hated, or when he fell asleep in the man's arms, which he hated even more. He let out a sigh and moved his hand down to his stomach, as it felt light, tingly, fluttery even. It was nice, comforting, as if he had suddenly connected to Tony without noticing it, but at the same time it was slightly empty too, for Tony's hands weren't on his body, nor were their lips connected in a long, passionate kiss. Oh, how he loved it when Tony would gasp against his lips, or whisper his name so softly. He missed that so much...
Loki had no idea of the time, for he had no windows and his biological clock was distorting, to say the least. He had no idea when he should be eating which kind of meal and he didn't like the food here, anyway. It all looked like each other and it wasn't anything like the buttery toast Tony made, or the small thick pancakes with something sweet, or the ice cream with syrup and cream that he was given before bed. Even the horribly bitter coffee he missed, or the smell of alcohol on Tony's breath, whether it was in the morning, in the afternoon, or at night. He could drink all day and it didn't even matter to Tony. Loki didn't always like it, for he'd become a different person, but on the other side, he found it interesting, as long as he didn't need to be in Tony's presence when he got very aggressive and unreasonable from the amount of alcohol he'd consumed. Thus far nothing too bad had happened and Loki found it amusing, looking back at Tony's fits, perhaps as they'd never been directed towards him. In fact, whenever Tony was drunk Loki felt strangely at ease, as if he suddenly had nothing to live up to, nothing to hide, for Tony wasn't hiding much anymore either...
He was sucked into the book again a few moments later, as the strange feeling had faded and the story had taken on another exciting twist. So, the one who'd supposedly been portrayed as the bad guy all along, wasn't the bad guy at all... In fact, he'd tried to do good. He continued to read and read, although he knew that he would soon finish the book, which meant he wouldn't be able to read on about this story that he'd come quite attached to. He wouldn't admit that, of course. Tony better hurried with getting back to him and giving him the books that followed this one.
After he finished reading the book he was left feeling slightly empty. The ending, although was a positive one, didn't sit well with him. He didn't want Harry to have to return to the family that hated him so. He wanted to read how Harry was where he wanted to be, where he felt at home. He fell asleep somewhere along the trail of thoughts, book still laying next to him.
He had no idea how long he'd slept, but when he was awoken he felt strangely alert, which could only mean he hadn't been sleeping for a long time at all... Four hours at the most, he'd say. He blinked, looking up at the woman that stood beside his bed, telling him to get up, as he needed to eat. Despite not having had a lot to eat over the past days he felt little for eating now.
"No thanks," he replied in a mutter, though then cleared his throat, as he realized his voice had sounded awfully... weak. The agent reached out and took the book that had been laying beside him on the pillow. Immediately his eyes widened and he reached out to snatch it back from her, but she'd already seen what it was of course. She chuckled softly and it made him feel incredibly stupid, despite there being nothing but friendliness in her eyes.
"What did you think?" she asked, nodding towards the book. "Did you like it?"
"What do you care?" he snapped back. She rolled her eyes, clearly just wishing for some 'normal' conversation. But Loki didn't like telling people what he thought about certain things, out of fear for having them find out things about him that they shouldn't know. He'd tell Tony, but even that would be difficult.
"I think it's a great series," she said. Her eyes then turned to look at the box of books that stood in the corner of the room. "Do tell me he gave you the follow up." Loki sat motionless for a moment, before shaking his head.
"Ah, that's a shame," she commented. "They're all brilliant. In fact, they just get better and better. And thicker." That was good news, yet he didn't trust her judgement. He stayed silent and soon she let the subject drop, clearly realizing it wasn't going to work out. She brought him food, which he didn't touch and continued to persistently tell him she wasn't going to leave until he'd finished at least part of the meal. In the end he gave in, having a few tiny bites, before shoving the plate away quite aggressively, which was her queue to leave him be.
"I'll just keep this here," she said, putting the food down on the only small table that stood in the room, close to the bed. "In case you get hungry." But even if he would get hungry, he wouldn't eat knowing all these people were watching him. It made him feel severely uncomfortable.
When she left the room he roamed through the box to find something else to read, but nothing sparked his interest at the moment. Not after the book he'd just read, anyway. He sighed softly, wondering why Tony hadn't given him the second book as well. At least the book had been good enough a distracted during his time here. Now he was continuously thinking about it, desperate to find out what followed.