-Day Five...-

Alex

I was poking at the oatmeal concoction when I thought I heard a moan through the grate. My eyebrows shot up and I slowly turned my head to stare at it. I couldn't tell exactly what kind of moan it was so I didn't know whether I should acknowledge it. Piper did tend to be a rather vocal lover and I didn't want to disturb a private moment or something. I couldn't blame her for resorting to that kind of entertainment seeing as there wasn't much to do in here. I turned back to the glob and decided it wasn't worth eating.

"Oh, Jesus, fuck!" she whispered harshly, drawing my attention once more. I tried to figure out if those were words of frustration or pleasure. Feeling slightly nervous, I waited for more sounds, but when none followed, I tapped on the grate.

"Uh... Piper? You okay?" I asked.

"No," she whimpered, "It itches so fucking much!"

My mind, having already been in a dirty place, immediately jumped to conclusions as to what 'it' she was referring to, and I leapt to my feet. "Please, tell me there aren't fucking crabs in this place!"

"What?! Ew, Alex! Oh my God, no! That is so not what I meant!"

"Then what the fuck are you talking about?!"

"My stitches! You know, the things holding together the gaping hole in my side? They itch so bad and I can't scratch them. It's driving me insane!" she called back. "I can't believe you thought I was talking about... Ew! Really?!"

"Well, next time you might want to clarify what you mean by 'it', 'cause, I mean, crabs could totally happen. That's probably part of the reason there aren't any blankets."

"Great! Thank you for that thought. Wait... you don't have a blanket?"

I looked around my cell even though I knew if there had been a blanket in here, I definitely would've seen it by now. "No. Do you?"

"Yea."

"What the fuck? Why don't I have one?"

"Consider yourself lucky. Less chance of getting crabs, right?"

I sat back down, "Yeah... or lice."

"Alex!"

"Sorry," I laughed, knowing I had successfully terrified her. "It's a good thing, though."

"What is? Lice?!"

"No, you idiot; the itching is a good thing. It means it's healing."

"Are you sure?"

"Yea. Haven't you ever had stitches before?"

"No."

"Well, then just trust me, it's okay. But don't fuck with it 'cause you could rip them and get an infection."

"But what if I -"

"Don't fuck with them, Piper. Just chill."

A groan was her only reply.

"Have they been treating it since you've been here?" I asked.

"Yea. A nurse- well, I think he was a nurse- changed the bandage after I showered... I think it was yesterday... maybe the day before. I don't really remember. I haven't slept."

"That's good. I mean, it's good he checked it, not the whole 'not sleeping' thing. You know what I mean." I felt a wave of relief wash over me. Before now, I was too nervous to bring it up because if it turned out the guards hadn't been treating the wound, I probably would've had a full blown anxiety attack. "You just need to take your mind off it. If you keep thinking about it, it'll only make it worse."

"How am I supposed to distract myself in here?"

"Talk to me?"

"I'm still pissed at you, Alex," she said.

"If it'll keep you from getting an infection, then by all means, bitch away."

"I don't want to bitch. I..." she sighed. "I don't know what I want anymore."

That was unexpected. I had been bracing myself for an onslaught of 'fuck you's and other colorful insults, but I wasn't prepared for the defeated tone in her voice. "Listen, we don't have to talk about it. And, honestly, I think it's better if we just leave it there."

"Alex, I have so many questions I don't want to know the answer to, but I can't just leave it. What you told me changed everything and, at the same time, it changed nothing. I don't know which is worse."

"What do you mean?"

She took a while to answer, "We can't go back. We can't change the past, and even if we could, I'm not sure which part of me is bigger; the part that wishes so bad that we could, or the part that refuses to regret the past eight years of my life."

At first, I wasn't quite sure what she meant, but then it hit me like the ice cold showers I was starting to become accustomed to. "He came back, didn't he?"

"What?"

"Larry. He came back."

"Yes. He did," she said softly.

My head fell back against the wall. I hadn't realized until now that part of me was still hoping that maybe...

I stopped myself before I could even finish that thought and swallowed down the itch in the back of my throat. "Can't say I'm really surprised."

"Alex..."

"I should've seen that coming. I mean, I met the guy. He's... nice. But he has no balls, whatsoever. Which, I guess, makes your relationship work pretty well." I couldn't stop myself from saying those things. I was angry and hurt. How could she keep doing this? Did she not just say, two days ago, that she would never love anyone as much as she loves me? Fuck! Why did I keep falling for that?

"Don't start, Alex. You said yourself that we were through, no matter what."

"Sorry, this little therapy stint must've gone to my head," I muttered. "So, the engagement is back on. Congrats."

"I never said that, but if you must know, no, it's not," she spat back.

My body tensed, "You didn't take him back?"

"I didn't say that, either."

Frustration surged through me. Seriously, fucking whiplash. "Then what the fuck are you saying, Piper?"

"If Doggett doesn't survive then I'll be stuck in here for God knows how much longer, Alex! It wouldn't be fair to ask him to wait because I massively fucked up. So yeah, right now, we are technically back together, but I don't know if there's a future for us. And, not to mention, I'm sure Healy ran to the phone the second I was thrown in here to call him and tell him all about how I got in trouble because of my 'girlfriend'. So who knows if Larry will even still be around when I get out of here."

I didn't know what I was supposed to say. Was I supposed to feel sorry for her? Because I sort of did. I didn't want to see that he made her happy, that she loved him, but it was obvious those things were true. "I'm sorry. I just... I hate thinking of you with someone else and I stupidly thought that maybe we were finally getting somewhere with all this talk. But you're right; we can't go back and we both need to face that."

"I don't know if I can," she whispered.

"Neither do I. But we have to try. We fucked up a lot, but that doesn't mean we don't deserve to be happy."

"You make me happy, Alex," she said after a minute of silence.

An odd, fluttering feeling settled in my stomach. Is that what people were referring to when they said they had butterflies? It was a little unnerving. "Really?"

"Yes, really, you do." I could actually hear the smile in her voice, despite the pain underlying her words. "Even though you make me so miserable and angry at times, I still want you. I don't think that'll ever go away, which is why I don't know if I can handle being so close to you and not feeling like that. I don't think I can be that strong, and after what you've told me... it just seems even more impossible," she continued, her voice thick with tears. "I don't know what to do. I love Larry, and I was so ready to settle down and be with him forever, and then you come back into my life and you make me feel all these things. Things I had forgotten or just repressed, I don't know... And now it's all so fucked up and so complicated. I push him away because I want you, yet, I keep making these excuses for myself. Giving myself all these reasons why I can't be with you. And yesterday, you disproved one of them when you said that you were going to get out of the cartel and settle down with me. I never thought you would do that; I was holding onto that... and the fact that you still haven't told me how long your sentence is. But the worst thing is that you thought you were my back up plan and now, I realize that it was actually the contrary; I had made Larry my back up plan without knowing what I was doing."

At that moment, I would've given anything to be able to see her face. To see if I could tell whether what she said was really true or just desperation from being in here so long. I didn't want to through this again. If I believed her and then she left again, knew I wouldn't be able to survive that. Not after all this. I took a deep breath, "Eight years. But with good time, I'll be eligible for parole in five. That's how long I have. It was supposed to be fifteen to twenty, but since I gave names and they didn't know the amount I had imported over the years, my lawyer was able to talk it down."

I anxiously waited for her answer. The reason I didn't want to tell her before was because I knew it would be too long for her to wait and I thought that just being with her while she was here would be enough. But now, it was different. If this was going to happen again, I had to know whether we had a shot at a future or not. If we didn't, then at least it might give her some peace of mind to see that it wouldn't have worked even if she hadn't chosen Larry.

"How much time did you get taken off for giving them my name?" she finally asked.

"Do you really wanna go there?"

"It's fine. Just tell me."

I was afraid to answer that question, but she deserved to know. "I don't really know. Nine or ten months?"

"Then I guess I probably would've done the same thing if I was facing all that time."

I heard her door open through the grate, and it felt like my heart stopped. I couldn't make out what the guard said, but then I heard Piper say loudly, "Shower, right. Okay."

As the door slammed, I let out the breath I was holding, thankful that she had made sure I knew she'd be back.

It seemed like hours had passed and she still hadn't returned. The lunch tray had come a while ago, so I knew the passing of time wasn't just in my head. I started to worry that she had been released, as terrible as that was. I should be happy for her being let out, but I couldn't bring myself to be. We'd been here for five days, so that meant I might either have two or nine days until they let me out.

I didn't know what I'd do if she didn't come back and I was stuck in here for another week, besides wonder if maybe my sentence wouldn't be too long for her. I would have to avoid being sent to SHU again, even though this time hadn't even been my fault. And no more shots. I would be the model prisoner for the next five years, and then I would definitely get parolled.

I shook my head at these thoughts. There I go, again, getting my hopes up about the most indecisive woman I'd ever met. I had to stop doing that.