Chapter 7 – Don't Look Back

The next day, Caelan relayed the bulk of the conversation she had shared with her brothers to Mary. She didn't tell her that they were the infamous Saints of South Boston. Caelan decided Mary didn't need to know that. That would be a secret shared between the MacManus family and them alone.

Connor and Murphy had convinced their sister to come home for the night. Their Ma had a big dinner planned, and she wanted everyone home. Mary had even been invited.

Caelan had spent the better part of the day getting ready. She changed her clothes over and over, and spent at least an hour doing her hair. She was extremely nervous about meeting her father and wanted to look her best. Smart and intimidating, but not too much.

After hour four of her primping, Caelan finally cursed herself for being so neurotic. She took one final look in her mirror before heading downstairs.

"Are you ready?" Mary asked her cautiously once Caelan reached the bottom of the stairs.

"I don't know. Ready as I'll ever be, I guess." She nervously pulled at her shirt. "Do I look ok?"

Mary smirked at her. "Yes, for the fiftieth time today. You're not going to change again are ya?"

Caelan stuck her tongue out at her. "No. I don't have anything left to try on"
"Good, because your brothers are waiting outside." Caelan nodded as she put her coat on. Mary walked to the door and opened it for her friend.

Connor and Murphy turned to face her from the porch. They both smiled at her. "Ya look nice, Cae. You get a face transplant or somethin'?" Murphy asked.

"Fuck you." She smiled at him. Connor and Mary exchanged a smile. "I'm scared. I can't believe I'm scared to go home."

Connor took her hand. "It's alright. Don't be scared." He kept holding on to her as he led her away from Mary's house and towards theirs.

Caelan glanced behind her and saw Mary was still standing at the door. "You're not coming?" She stopped walking.
Mary shook her head. "Not yet. I will in a bit."

"But…" Mary had become her strongest support through everything. Caelan didn't think she could face her father without her, but Mary smiled at her.

"It's what you've always wanted. You know it deep down...Let go of the past, dlúthchara." (best friend) The two locked eyes for a moment, and Caelan finally nodded. "I'll be over in a little while." Caelan nodded again and allowed Connor to lead her away.

Murphy opened the front door and entered first. "Ma, we're home!" He said.

Annabelle entered from the kitchen, wiping her hands on her apron. "I never thought I'd live to see the three of ya' home at the same time!" She hurried over and hugged Caelan. Caelan returned the hug with one hand, her other still gripping Connor's. Ma held her at arms length. "Don't be nervous, daughter." She said softly. Annabelle turned back towards the kitchen. "Caelan, this is your father."

Will slowly stepped from the kitchen doorway and Annabelle moved to the side towards Murphy. Father and daughter were now face to face and Connor felt her grip tighten on his hand. He regarded her for a time, and Will found it impossible to look away from her eyes. "I would recognize ye anywhere." He finally said.

Caelan felt a lump growing in her throat. "It's…" She started to speak but she couldn't.

"I know I can never ask you to forgive me." He spoke again. "I just want you to know how proud I am of you, of how you've grown up. You're the most beautiful…" His voice trailed off as he fought a lump of his own.

Caelan closed her eyes tightly and let go of Connor's hand. Slowly, she walked closer towards her father, stopping an arms length away from him. Suddenly she threw her arms around him and buried her face in his chest. Da gasped. He wrapped his arms around her and rested his head on hers. This was what she had always wanted. She didn't want to be angry anymore.

Will gently pulled out of the embrace. He cupped Caelan's face in his hands and was relieved when she smiled up at him. He had been given a second chance to know his daughter, and even though it would take some time, he silently vowed to himself that he would. "You have your mother's eyes."

"I know."

He pulled her back to him and held her. Annabelle smiled at them. "Alright you two. How bout' you drag your worthless asses into the kitchen and give your poor, tired mother a hand." She said as she walked back towards the kitchen, dragging Murphy along with her.

"Wait, don't we even get a choice?" Murphy protested. Connor smiled at his Da before following.

The dinner table was lively and happy, and Caelan found herself glancing around her, quietly watching her family, taking in what they were saying, watching them be themselves. It was almost surreal. This was the happiest she had felt in a long time. She looked over at her father and noticed he had been doing the same thing. Their eyes met, and she smiled at him.

"And then we brought Cae home…When Ma saw what she had done…Man she was pissed." Caelan's attention went to Murphy, who had been telling a story.

"What?"

Murphy tapped his chest. "Your tattoo, remember?"

She looked down at her chest in confusion for a moment. "Oh, yeah. Ma was pretty pissed. She grounded me for a month."

"Did you show her your other one?"

Caelan looked at him wide-eyed. "Oops." Murphy gritted his teeth. "If you're gonna try to hide somethin' from Ma, you should probably tell us."

Caelan sent her mother a sideways glance. "It's a lot prettier than this one." She pointed to her chest.

"Quit getting' Cae in trouble, Murphy." Mary said in mock-defense. "What about that time you took Connor's favorite teddy bear and gave it to that girl…What was her name?"

"Molly Ryan." Caelan provided.
Murphy glared at Mary. Connor looked at his brother in shock. "You fucking told me you lost that!"

Maggie turned and gave him a playful look. "You had a favorite teddy bear?"

"Yes I did. His name was Stanley." He glared at Murphy. "I can't believe you fucking gave my bear to Molly Ryan."

"You are so fuckin' dead, O'Neill." Murphy said to Mary.

Annabelle scoffed. "Oh Lord what did I do to be cursed with children such as these?" She raised her eyes to the ceiling and closed her hands in "prayer". Everyone at the table laughed. Caelan slowly shook her head and smiled.

After awhile, Caelan excused herself from the table and headed up to her old room. Once she was inside, she collapsed face-down into her bed. She laid there for a minute before rolling onto her back, grabbing the phone from the nightstand. "I owe ya Ma." She said as she dialed. Curling the phone cord with her fingers, she quietly waited for the call to connect.

"Hello?"

"David?"

"Caelan? Is that you?"

"The one and only."

"How are you! How is Ireland?"

"It's amazing. Guess where I am."

"Hmm…A five-star hotel, you've got a glass of champagne in your hand, and you're just about to settle into the hot-tub. Am I right?"

She chuckled. "Close. I'm laying on my old bed at my mother's house. I just had dinner with…Get this…Both my brothers, Connor's fiancée, Mary, my Ma and my Father."

"Wait a second…Your brothers and your father?" He paused for a moment. "Are you alright? How did it go?"

"It was perfect."

"Perfect, huh? You sound like you're handling everything well."

"It's been an emotional few days."

"I bet." There was another pause. "You're coming back end of next week, right?"

Caelan bit her lip. "Yes, but…David there's something I have to tell you."

"You're going to stay there aren't you?"

"Aye. I really want to."

David didn't say anything for a long time. "Figures. The only real person I've ever had as a friend in this godforsaken city, and now you're thinking of packing up and taking off."

Caelan chuckled, "I know…So much has happened. I don't think my Da is going back to Boston…And what if my brothers stay too? It's like we have a second chance.…"

"I understand, Cae, really I do…But I don't like it. I can't help being selfish. You know I love you"

"I know..."

"Just like you love me."

"I do love you, you're my best friend. I don't feel the same way you do. We've discussed this."

"Fine, fine. Be in denial." She heard him sigh. "You know, Cae, not every man in your life will desert you."

Caelan scowled, "I don't feel that way. Why would I feel that way?" She muttered quickly.

"Oh, the signs are so obvious."

Caelan scoffed, "You think you know me so well."

"It's because I do."

She rolled her eyes, "I'm gonna go now."

"Fine. I'll see you Friday."

Caelan returned the phone to its base. Was David right? Was that the reason she had been dodging commitment? He had been her friend since she first moved to New York, and he always wanted it to be more, but she had fought it. Caelan shook her head. "I don't love him that because I don't. He's a good friend. That's all." She told herself, but did she believe it?

It was a beautiful day in the city. Fall had barely started, the leaves on the trees just beginning to crisp and change color. The sun was bright, and everywhere people were taking their lunch break. Caelan and David were no different. They strolled arm in arm along the path inside Central Park, casually chatting about how their days had gone so far, taking in what they could of the beautiful day before returning to their offices.

"So tell me about your trip. How was Boston?" David asked her before taking a sip of his coffee.

"It was great. Boston is a beautiful city." Caelan replied, absently staring down at her feet as they walked.

"How are your brothers?"

"They're good. Scraping by as usual, but they're happy."

"What are they doing now?"

"Oh, they're working in a meat-packing plant." Caelan shook her head. "They're not stupid. I mean the two of them could be doing so much more, but somehow they're happy making minimum wage knee-deep in cow parts."

"Oh, that's appetizing."

Caelan chuckled. "Sorry."

"Girlfriends?"

"Nope. None yet."

"You're still pretty close to your brothers, huh?"

"Yeah. I told ya our Dad left us when I was a baby, Connor and Murphy were two. It was always the three of us and our Ma. We didn't really come from a big family." Caelan smirked. "It's probably border-line weird how close I am with my brothers."

David chuckled. "I wouldn't say that. It'd be weird if you ever, ya know…" He gave her an odd look.

Caelan sneered at him. "Ew! That's disgusting!" She ended her statement by punching him in the arm.

"Ow! See? You're fine then." Caelan cringed again at the thought. The two continued walking around the park; eventually turning to make their way back towards their office building. David furled his eyebrows in thought. "Cae, Doesn't your Mom get pissed that you don't visit her more often? I know mine would."

Caelan shook her head. "No, she doesn't mind. She sent me here actually, New York was her idea. All MacManus children get the boot when they're 18."

"Yikes. Pretty harsh, isn't it?"

"I thought so…For a long time. My mother wanted my brothers and I to go places, see things. Make our own destinies. Ireland is wonderful, but New York…New York has more opportunities than anywhere in the world."

David looked at her through the corner of his eye. "Do you think you'll ever move back to Ireland?"

Caelan shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe someday." She met his gaze and noticed he was giving her an odd look. "Why do you ask?"

"Caelan, I love you. You know that. I just…I just don't want to ever lose you." He couldn't stop from blurting out the statement.

Caelan sighed and rolled her eyes. "David, don't talk like that. You and I are friends. That's all. How many times do I have to tell you that I'm not interested in you that way?"

"All I'm asking for is a chance. A chance to show you I'm not like every other asshole you've dated."

"You're my best friend. That has to be enough for you." She looked down at her wristwatch. "Look, we have to get back or we're going to be late."

Caelan sharply turned away from him and quickened her pace. David watched her in silence before reluctantly following behind her. Caelan stood on the porch at her mother's house, quietly leaning against one of the wooden pillars between the roof and the steps beneath her. Her headphones were on, and she had closed her eyes, totally absorbed in her music. She thought about David. She couldn't get his words out of her head.

Why was she so afraid to give him a chance? Because if it ended badly, I'd lose my friend. She thought quickly, answering her own question. Caelan was so immersed in her thoughts that she didn't even notice that Murphy had joined her. He stood across from her, mirroring her stance by leaning against his own pillar. It was only when she smelled the smoke from his cigarette that she realized she wasn't alone. She opened her eyes and smiled at the sight of her brother, removing her headphones and hanging them around her neck.

"You love that thing, don't ya?" Murphy said, referring to her ipod. He held a lit cigarette out to her.

"If I didn't have my music, I would die." She replied, taking a long drag.

"What're ya doin' out here?"

She shook her head. "Nothin' really. Just thinkin'."

"What about?"

"Dav-I mean, Da." She looked away from him, off into the horizon.

"Liar." Murphy said with a slight smile.

Caelan looked back at him in disbelief. "Liar?"

The two locked eyes for a moment and Murphy arched an eyebrow upward, almost daring her to lie to him again. It really irritated her that her brothers knew her so well sometimes. Caelan finally relented, dropping from the staring contest by releasing a deep sigh.

Murphy snorted proudly before grabbing his sister, pulling her down by the neck into a headlock, roughly rubbing her head with his knuckles. Caelan tried to jerk away, but his hold was too strong. She gripped his arm with her fist; trying to pry it from her neck, all the while trying to punch him with her other. Murphy was laughing wickedly the whole time. "Come on, Cae. Spill it!"

"Alright!" She hissed. Caelan punched him as hard as she could, and he finally released her. She stood up quickly. "If you must fuckin' know, I was thinking about a friend of mine back in New York." She spat at him, trying to smooth the hair that Murphy had messed.

"What's her name?" He said between laughs, holding his chest where his sister had punched him.

"His name is David." She bent down to retrieve her fallen headphones.

Murphy pulled his cigarettes from his pocket, lit two and passed one to his sister. "Oh, now I get it. Boyfriend troubles."

Caelan glared at him. "He is not my boyfriend." She snapped, snatching the cigarette from his hand and inhaling deeply.

Murphy regarded her. "Ya love him?"

She turned away from her brother to peer at the horizon again. "Yes…But only as a friend. He wants more, and I'm dealing with that." She chuckled. "Actually, he thinks I have issues with men. Wants to be the exception…My knight in shining armor."

Murphy was confused. "What kind of issues?"

Caelan sighed in frustration. "Do you really want to talk about this with your little sister?"

"Do I need to give you another noogie?"

"Fine. He thinks the guys I've dated in the past have been assholes. On that point, he's pretty much correct. But he also thinks I have abandonment issues."

Murphy shrugged. "I can sort of see why he'd think that." He felt a bit guilty agreeing. "Well, deirfiúr, all I can tell you is this…If it's right, it's right. That and we're all fucked up."

"Listen to you giving me relationship advice."

"We've all got relationship issues. Look and Mary and me."

Caelan choked on her last drag at the admission. "I knew it. All these years…!" She nudged her brother in the chest with her elbow, unintentionally hitting the spot she had punched earlier.

"Watch it, Cae! I'm still sore there. You hit really hard." Murphy said, carefully rubbing the spot.

"Quit being such a baby." Caelan took a step closer to him and moved like she was going to give him a hug; instead she punched him in the chest again, but in a different spot than before. Murphy groaned and dropped to his knees. "That's what you get for giving me a noogie!"

Caelan stuck her tongue out at him and ran back inside the house. Murphy waited to catch his breath before jumping to his feet and bolting after her. The two tore through the house, laughing and swearing at each other like they were children again.