"Suicide, I can't believe it," Elliot said, still shocked by what he'd heard.

"How was she found?" Olivia asked one of the doctors.

"Well, I'm certain that she had intended to do it as quietly as possible, but at the point of the initial impalement we could hear her through the door moaning. We came in and found her and rushed her out of here to the ER. She'll be in surgery through the night and if she makes it, she'll be brought back here afterwards for recovery," he explained.

"Could the medication she was on have caused her to do this?" Olivia asked.

"She wasn't on any medication when she did it," he replied.

"Why not?" Casey asked.

"When she was first administered, she hadn't slept for five days, we medicated her with sedatives only…once she slept, she didn't seem to need them anymore."

"What about other meds?"

"We ran tests on her and based on our findings she didn't need any," another doctors answered.

"Well, after this, if she survives, will she be put on anything else?" Elliot asked.

"Like what? Some run-of-the-mill downer that'll leave her too drained of energy to do anything? Perfectly normal, mentally healthy people attempt suicide every day in this country, as oxymoronic as that sounds," the doctor told them, "It's our job to help make sure it doesn't happen again but that doesn't necessarily mean doping them up."

"Well what's going to happen to Toni now?" Olivia asked.

"That's going to depend on what happens during surgery," he answered, "At this point we don't know the extent of the damage."

Extent of the damage? Elliot thought, she had just tried to kill herself in a manner previously inconceivable to him who thought he had seen everything in his career, how much could be left besides damage?

The surgery had been a success and that was the only good news to come out of the tragedy. When Toni stabbed herself she had miraculously avoided her spinal cord, any major organs or arteries and was shortly returned to her room in the psyche ward. When Elliot came back to visit her a few days later, he was momentarily shocked by what the doctors had done to make sure she didn't harm herself, or anyone else. Her hands were bound by restraints which were attached to the bed rails so her arms were outstretched to the sides. She was kept on her stomach for the time being and appeared to be asleep. Elliot stepped further into the room and Toni stirred.

"Who is it?" she asked, appearing to still be doped up on something.

"Toni, it's me," Elliot answered as he went over to the bed.

She looked at him through the corner of her eye and remarked, "Get the hell out of my room."

But Elliot wasn't going anywhere; he took another step towards her and started to take off his jacket.

"Why did you do it, Toni?" he asked.

"Why? Take a look at me, Elliot," she replied, "What have I got to live for? They've even got me handcuffed to the damn bed now!"

"They want to make sure you don't hurt yourself again," Elliot told her.

She looked up at him with a defiant glare in her eyes, "It doesn't matter…I'll find another way to kill myself, they can't stop me indefinitely. My mother is dead, my father is never getting out of prison, I've been shuffled off to one crappy place after another my whole life, why shouldn't I end it all? What have I to look forward to? You saw my father, he doesn't want to see me, does he? You would've told me if he did want to."

How to answer that one?

"I want to die, and I'm going to…I haven't eaten a damn thing since they brought me out of the OR," she told Elliot, "And I'm not going to."

"You can't starve yourself," Elliot told her, "If you don't eat they're going to put a feeding tube in you…do you know what that's like? It's not comfortable, let me tell you that."

"They're not going to do that," Toni remarked in a defiant tone, "They can't force a person to accept medical care, it's outlawed by the Constitution."

"You watch them," Elliot replied, "They'll do it one of two ways, they'll either stick that plastic tube down your mouth or they're going to cut open your stomach, stick it in and stitch it shut so you can't take it out."

"You can't scare me, Elliot," she said, "The only thing that scares me is the idea of living like I am for another 60 years. I know why you can't accept this."

"Oh?"

"Because you think it means you failed. You promised to help me and when I needed help you couldn't do what I needed you to. Is that it? The old Catholic guilt working its ugly charm again? You arrested Tobias, that's what I needed you to do, he's dead now so he can't come after me again. That's the end of it."

"That's not the end of it otherwise you wouldn't be here in the mental hospital," Elliot told her, "And you extended your stay when you tried to kill yourself."

Toni shook her head and laid it back down against the pillow, "It doesn't matter, Elliot, in here, or out there, I have no life, I haven't had one for years. I wake up, I walk the streets, I find somebody to go home with, I pass out into complete blackness, then the cycle continues. That's no way to live, and it's the only way I know how. There's nothing left in this world for me to look forward to."

"And you think there's something to look forward to in death?" Elliot asked.

"If you're asking do I believe hell exists and that I'm going there," Toni said, "It doesn't matter because nothing can be worse than what I feel every day right now. Simultaneously I feel nothing, and I feel more pain than you can imagine. It would be a relief for me to die now, I just don't care about anything anymore."

Elliot was about ready to give up. As he turned to leave, he saw something through the corner of his eye. Turning back around and looking at Toni, he saw her start to shake.

"Are you cold?" he asked.

She didn't answer. Elliot pulled the top cover out of its tight corners and draped it over her arms where the rest of the blankets couldn't reach. Toni said nothing and did nothing and stayed in the same position she was in.

"Try and get some sleep," Elliot told her, "I'll see you tomorrow."

"I have to get back to Rikers and see Keller again," Elliot told Cragen when he clocked in for work the next morning.

"He already made it clear that he didn't want to see Toni, you think you can make him change his mind?" Cragen asked.

"It doesn't matter what he wants, Toni needs to see him, he's the only thing she's got left in her life and she's ready to die because everything else she ever had is gone."

"They're not going to let Toni out of Bellevue until they're convinced she's no longer a threat to herself or others," Munch reminded him, "And you can't bust Keller out to visit her in the psycho ward."

"I know!" Elliot replied, "But I've got to try something."

"You've tried everything you can," Munch said.

"Well I've got to do something," Elliot told him, "Toni wants to kill herself and if something doesn't happen fast and soon, I'm convinced she will."

"Elliot, I know that you feel responsible for what happened with her…"

"I am responsible," Elliot replied, "I'm the only one she could trust and I let her down."

"Elliot, you did what you could do," Cragen told him.

"It's not enough," he said, "She is suffering because her whole life, everybody just let her slip through the cracks, and the pain she's in now isn't going to end."

"She's beyond your help."

"No," Elliot shook his head, "Not yet…if I walk out on her now, leaving her as she is, I'm no better than every other bastard she ever knew who she couldn't trust. Captain, you didn't see her, you didn't see what's become of her life, what she's been reduced to. It's painful just to watch her, can you imagine what it's like being her, living every day the way she does? 17 years old, this is the best that her life's going to be."

"I know this is difficult for you to deal with because of your own daughters…"

"This isn't about them, I'm not even thinking about them here," Elliot said, "I'm thinking of Toni. I told her I would help her if she ever needed me…for eight years she decided I couldn't help her…then she finally comes to me, and I let her down."

"No, she came here telling you to arrest Tobias, you did."

"And he got her alone in that men's room and was tearing her clothes off and throwing her against the wall, he told her he was going to kill her, she had no choice in what she did!" Elliot told Cragen, "Now they've got her tied down to a bed 24 hours a day, she's not eating, they don't medicate her but every time I see her it's like she's strung out. She wants to die, she's waiting to die…but I think, if I can get her to see her father, get them to talk…maybe something will change. Maybe not but it's the only thing left that can be done for her."

There was a pause before Cragen responded, "You do what you have to."

Elliot returned to Rikers and asked to see Tony Keller. Once again the prisoner was hauled off to the visiting area and put behind a window of bullet proof glass to speak to Elliot.

"What do you want now?" he asked.

Elliot decided to cut to the chase, "Toni's in trouble…she needs to see you."

"No she doesn't," Tony replied, "She'll be fine without me."

"No she won't," Elliot told him, "She's tired of living, nobody in her life that gives a damn about her. You hear what happened to Wentworth?"

Keller didn't answer at first and then replied, "He got what was coming to him."

"Yeah? Well it was your daughter who broke his neck, and now they've got her locked up in the loony bin."

The look in Tony's eyes changed when he heard that, "What?"

"No, it gets better…a few days after she's administered into Bellevue, she gets a hold of a folding knife…she embeds the handle into the mattress and throws herself on it until it's buried into her back all the way up to the handle. She tried to kill herself once…and now she's doing it again, she's not eating anything, and by law they can't force her to have a feeding tube inserted…in any case I really don't think you want her being put through that when it's not necessary," Elliot explained, "You're her last chance for any kind of peace in this life, you have to see your daughter, you have to talk to her."

"Oh," Keller started nodding his head, "So now you think I'm cut out for being around my own kid."

"This isn't about what I want," Elliot said.

"No but it's about what you think is best for her," Tony remarked, "You didn't think it was best for me to have anything to do with her before."

"I need a way to get your daughter out of Bellevue and into this room so she can talk to you…you have to try and talk some sense into her," Elliot said, "Her life is a shamble and she doesn't see it as getting any better."

Tony seemed to give serious consideration to what Elliot was saying, then he replied, "Well let me tell you something, detective, it's not going to get better if I'm involved in it. I'm sorry for what's happened to my daughter, but seeing me isn't going to help her."

"I can't believe you," Elliot said, "You say you love your daughter but you refuse to help her?"

"I don't give a damn what you think about me," Tony replied, "I do love my daughter, and it's the best thing I can do for her not to get involved in her life."

"I don't get you," Elliot told him, "You're going to let your daughter die without even trying to help her?"

"Oh," Keller laughed, "I'll help alright…when I'm dead I want you to take her something for me."

"What're you talking about?"

"You'll find out soon enough."

Keller ended the conversation and had a guard take him back to his cell upstairs. Elliot hung around for a while and listened to what some of the guards had to say about Tony Keller. His history in Rikers wasn't a pretty one but not a particularly gruesome one either.

Elliot couldn't help but feel that he had failed Toni yet again; but it seemed there truly was nothing left that he could do. As he started to head for the prison's exit, he heard a scuffle from above. He, like everybody else on the ground floor, looked up and saw Tony Keller push away the guard who was trying to put him back in his cell and he reached the railing and stood up on it and looked down at everybody.

"Hey detective!" he called down, "Look out below!"

Before anybody could react, Tony Keller jumped off the railing and plummeted to the floor. It was a particularly sickening sound that was made when his body hit the floor, his blood splattered out in all directions and it appeared that he had broken his neck. Everybody was screaming, the guards closed in around the body, and Elliot stood in the middle of the room looking on at the sight before him in complete shock.

Toni knew what had happened when he returned to her hospital room. Elliot didn't know how she found out so quickly but she had.

"I'm very sorry about what happened," he told her.

"Why did he do it?" she asked, trying to maintain a neutral, neither caring nor upset tone in her voice.

"I don't know," Elliot replied, "He just…I looked up and I saw him climb onto the railing, and the next thing I knew, he jumped off…I don't know why."

"Well," Toni said, "This should just about complete it…for the first time in as long as I can remember, I finally feel something other than the gnawing emptiness, and now…" she couldn't keep everything inside of her anymore and she broke down crying, "Now the only thing I can feel is this excruciating pain."

Elliot watched as she writhed helplessly against the restraints keeping her tied to the rails. He reached over and placed his hand high up on her back to make sure he didn't accidentally touch the area that was still healing.

"Toni, I am so sorry about this," he told her, "I tried to get him to talk to you but he didn't want you coming to see him."

"Oh it just makes sense!" she said through her tears, "Nobody ever wanted me, even my own father never wanted me!"

A long time ago Elliot would've believed that, without a second thought, but now he knew otherwise.

"That's not true, Toni," he told her. He walked around towards the head of the hospital bed so she could see him. He reached into his jacket and took out an envelope, "One of the guards gave this to me before I left. They said he gave direct orders when he died for me to bring this to you." Of course he knew she wouldn't be able to see for herself what it was and he couldn't get her out of the restraints, "I'll read it to you."

He tore open the seal and took out a sheet of paper, unfolded it and read it. "'Dear Toni, when you read this, I'll be dead. I want to apologize for everything that's happened to you; I've spent eight years in this place and every day I accept the fact that I'm responsible for what you've been put through. I don't expect you to forgive me, I know I don't deserve it. I know this whole mess started because I left you with Carl...if I had known then what kind of man he was, believe me I wouldn't have taken you there. It was a long time ago and I thought I could trust him. I needed somebody to watch you until I could return. I knew that yours odds of having a good life once your mother died were slim, so I wanted to make sure that no matter what happened, you would be financially taken care of. I managed to get a hold of $60,000…don't worry, I obtained it legally. Maybe not morally but legally. But that's where everything went south because three guys from the old neighborhood found out and got their hands on it and tried to skip town with it.

I tracked them down and got it back…but these guys knew about you and threatened me with numerous things that might happen to you if I were to give them any trouble. You were the only thing I had left…the idea of anything bad happening to you was too much for me and I just lost it. Yes, I killed those three men, to protect you. But I knew the cops would come for me before too long, so I took the money and left. I knew if I was found with the money on me, the cops would take it and you'd never see it. I wasn't able to find out where you went to live once ACS got you; for eight years I didn't know where you were or how you were doing, and that just about killed me. Now I know where you are so I can tell you now, and hope that in finding the money you'll have a new shot at life. I buried it in a metal canister in your mother's grave. Assuming the grave hasn't been disturbed it should still be there, and it's yours.

Now that I'm dead the truth will be able to come out about everything. I never told anybody the real reason why I killed the men I did, because I worried if word got out what they planned to do to you, some other sicko would come looking for you as well. I know if I had told the cops and the D.A., I might have been able to get off on a lesser sentence for temporary insanity or defense of family or what the hell ever they call it, but I didn't want anybody finding out about you and targeting you. Up till now I haven't told a soul about the money or where it's buried, so this way it'll be in your possession and yours only. I hope with this money you'll be able to start a new life and forget about me and all the trouble I've caused you. Maybe you won't believe it but I love you, I always did, and I just see the greatest thing I can do for you is not get you any more involved with me than you already are. I loved your mother and I love you, but I must atone for what I've done and I'm not afraid of facing hell if it means making your life any easier. I know we won't see each other again, so now I'll say goodbye.

Signed: Tony Keller,'

It's dated yesterday," Elliot told her, "Olivia and Munch are out finding your mother's grave at the cemetery to look for the money. When they find it they're going to check it out to make sure that it's not from some robbery, if the serial numbers check out, they'll hand it over to you."

Toni looked up at him and he could tell she didn't know what to think anymore. With a sigh of defeat, she collapsed against the pillows and tried to make sense of what was going on. Elliot's cell went off and he answered it, "Stabler."

"Elliot," it was Warner, "I heard the news about Keller. They just sent him down here for an autopsy, he just arrived about five minutes ago."

"So why're you calling me?" Elliot asked.

"There's a problem," Warner told him.

Oh what else could go wrong? "What is it?" he wanted to know.

"…Your stiff is breathing," she answered.