Sorry for the amount of time it has taken me to update! All of your wonderful reviews make me want to start writing again.
As it has been some time, my headspace has changed a little so the story is taking a different turn.
I really hope you enjoy this, please review and let me know what you think :) xx
3 Months after the Accident
It was the first time since the accident that I had been alone in the office, I checked the parameters and quickly made my way down to the evidence locker. I could only remember bits and pieces of the accident, and for what I couldn't remember was painted all over the faces of my colleagues. I wish I could have told them that their energy was wasted in trying to portray pity and understanding in one look. Whilst the accident was bad, this isn't the first time someone in this line of work has been injured, so I wasn't sure what all the fuss was about. Nevertheless women fawned over me and I got first choice of which case to take on, so it did have its perks – I am an optimist after all.
The elevator dinged and came to a halt and I made my way toward the evidence locker, I went up and down aisles of evidence until I eventually found my file. There were 3 boxes, the contents of each of them varied – one was filled with documents, transcripts I guess, the other two were USB's, CD's, a firearm, and photographs.
I quickly rummaged through the photographs, most of them were as I had expected: tire markings, blood spatters and shattered glass. I dumped them back in the box and threw it back to its respective shelf and pulled down the other box with the USB's, CD's and witness statements. I made the decision to take it home with me, it was late and figured I could return it early in the morning and no one would ever know. I needed to see, to hear, to witness what had happened, my memory had failed me and this was my next best and only option.
Once I arrived home I opened the first case of USB's and plugged it in to my laptop, I opened the files and went through it chronologically. Of course there was just digital images of street names and the intersection where the accident had taken place. I scrolled through and came to the next section labeled
"Police Recordings"
I was breathing heavily and I'm pretty sure my heart had signed distress, regardless, I double clicked and it opened a new set of files all of which were labeled with what appeared to be police identification numbers, they didn't look familiar. I hovered my mouse over a file and froze, my stomach began to sink and I let out a deep breath, before even considering what I was doing I opened the file and it played automatically.
"Officer Hanson, 9340989, 2130, partner is Officer Fitzgerald 2797383. On Corner of Virginia Ave SE and Third St SE, 2 car motor vehicle accident, first on scene."
I began to fast forward and stopped intermittently hoping I could gather some information. It was incoherent and sad but most of all disturbing. There was so much sobbing and yelling and it was all from me. I would fast forward each of the tapes and stop randomly, there was this one part where you can hear Ziva and she's saying she's okay and I'm screaming at the police to find her. I keep saying please, all you can hear is me sobbing and saying "please", it was such desperation that I felt embarrassed, I ended up stopping the recording and ejected the USB.
"You should not have those…"
The sound of her voice vibrated through my very being, and had caused me to hold the table for support.
"I hope you do not mind that I am here?"
"Why are you here?"
"Because you asked me to be here. Why did you insist on stealing that box of evidence when I specifically told you not to?"
"You did?" I walked toward her and touched her arm and her hair and her face before she touched my hand and forced it back down to my side.
"You cannot do this to yourself again"
She walked toward the kitchen and poured a glass of wine and walked back to the couch as if it were the most normal thing in the world.
"You are hurt.. But you cannot blame yourself…" she said while sitting down
"I don't remember, Zi" I ran my hands through my unwashed hair, and realised I was still in my work clothes, tie and all.
"Are we back to not remembering? Because that was a fun phase" she lay back on the couch and loosened her hair from its secured ponytail.
"What the hell are you talking about?"
" What is the last thing you remember?"
"I remember the hospital, you came in wearing a Doctor's gown and then left, the next thing I know I'm being discharged…And then, yeah, I guess I'm back at work"
She was looking at me like I had just told her I was going to gouge out my eyes with chopsticks
"Tony… Wake up"
I looked around the room and then back at her, I could feel chest collapse and fall into my stomach. I walked toward the couch and watched her stand and move toward me, she cupped her hands around my face and leaned toward me and whispered, "I cannot stay here".
I was frozen, my eyes were on fire, and I looked at her and pressed my forehead against hers. Her brown eyes flickered in the dimly lit room. I swallowed the razorblade that had formed in my throat and forced out words that had a thousand different meanings:
"Where have you been?"
Where have you been for the passed month, or the last 8 years, or my whole life? Where were you when I needed you? Where are you in my body? You're body is in mine but where?
She looked at me curiously and pulled herself away
"You are here, with me, in your living room, together. Is that not enough?"
It wasn't.
I needed answers.
"Tony, you were in a bad accident, and then you insisted on defying every bit of medical advice and continued to crawl up flights stairs to see me…"
"Yeah, I remember that"
"Do you remember collapsing down the stairs?"
"Well…no"
"They ended up handcuffing you to your bed…"
"Kinky"
"Wake up, Tony. I have to go"
I wanted her to stay so badly that every part of my very being began to ache and I swallowed every bit of pride I had and asked her to stay.
"Tony…"
"One night… That's all.. You should stay, please"
"Okay… I will stay"
"But we have to go in early tomorrow, yanno drop off that stuff?"
She nodded her head.
"And maybe you can help me remember, since you can remember everything?"
She looked at me with sad eyes and nodded "but this is the last time" she said trying to force out an audible sentence.
"You want pizza? Chinese?" I flashed her a range of take out menus, which she refused. I sat down next to her and asked her what happened after she left me in that doctor's coat.
She had placed her cold hands on top of mine and it strangely made me feel warm.
"Okay, are you sure you want to remember?"
"Of course"
"You had been unconscious for days, I would come and visit you and finally you were awake. After I left you stupidly came up to see me again…"
"Okay…" I watched her lips move with every word she spoke, the way she would pause and sip her wine, the way she tucked her curly locks behind her ears. She was beautiful. She is beautiful.
She told me I would sit next to her hospital bed in silence and hold her hand and tell her the stories from my ward.
"You would visit me a lot, and I would sneak down and do the same, it's hard to say how long this went on for… You would make me laugh, but you were not in a good way, Tony. Every time you would come to see me I would tell you not to and that I would come to you, but you would smile and pretend you did not know what I was talking about, and come back a few hours later…. When I would come to you always insisted I lay down on the bed and you would sit on the chair. We came to a compromise, and we would both lie down together and we would often fall asleep, and get caught, and get into trouble. " She smiled and looked up at me.
"I'm sad I can't remember that" I looked at her with a crooked smile and tears in my eyes.
"Me too" she touched my face and looked back down to her now empty glass of wine.
"But one morning, you just stopped coming, so I… I went down the stairs to see you.. I was going down the fire stairs and I heard like a…a groan… I think… I looked around but I could not see anything, so I proceeded to walk down the stairs, I had seen blood but I did not register, that it was, um… well, I got to your floor and noticed you were not in your bed. So I went back to the stairs and I saw more blood again, and it looked fresh.. So I followed it.. And um, a few stairs further down, on um one of the landings you were there, barely breathing, and just bleeding, there was so much blood, just, everywhere. I ran to the door and screamed for help and a nurse came in and I guess she paged someone because before I knew it there were just people everywhere and I was I guess pushed aside and told to leave. "
She paused and looked at me feigning a smile. I lifted my hands away from hers and rubbed my head "holy shit" I sighed and shook my head.
"I tried to come and see you again, and this is when I saw that they had handcuffed you, so I would try and see you daily, but you were not awake. A nurse came in one day and saw me she looked at me like um, like I was a child and she took me upstairs into my room and…." She paused again "She told me to stop seeing you, and that you collapsed on your way to see me… That you had fallen, a lot and that I should learn from your um mistakes… And I just ignored her…I was so scared for you, Tony.. I could not focus on anything. Finding you like that, and your blood, I have seen a lot of stuff, I have seen a lot of tragedy, but this was, it was…I was scared for you…I am sorry, could I have another glass of wine?"
I looked at her confused and then registered what she had said and nodded.
It didn't make sense to me that so much had happened and I still could not remember, I wondered about what else could have happened, or if I told her how I felt, or if I kissed her. It was a strange feeling for someone to sit there and tell you that you nearly died and that you had these wonderful times together, and you just sit there racking your brain thinking "come on memory, why fail me now"