1. I miss my father greatly.
This truth disturbs me and I try hard not to think about it, but late at night my heart sinks in the pit of my stomach and sits there as though it is being melted by the stomach acid.
As a tyrant and ruler my father did a lot of purely evil things. He cared little for the innocent and cared a lot for his pockets.
But as a father, he was the only one I knew. I used to look up to him and the lies he told me. "Look Ashelin. One day you'll rule this city and you promise me one thing. You rule better than me." He'd tell me. "The fist of Praxis is Iron. We know not of failure, but of power." And I believed him. It made me strive to continue my 'perfect person' routine and I praised him. And I mistook that idolization for love. My father never told he love me, however he never showed me he didn't. I was spoiled, I was educated, and I was lied to.
Yet despite my happiness he is dead-I still smile at the memory of 'being daddy's little girl.
2. I hate getting tattoos.
When I was little I feared needles. Absolutely loathed them. I would literally faint from fear whenever needles were near me. On the age of 16, I found out my father was training an appetence. A right hand man-who happened to be a woman solider named Delhi who was a deadly as she was beautiful. Awe stricken and very jealous and zealous -as most teens are- I needed to one up her. I needed to earn my father's respect and adoration so badly I stormed into the KG corps and demanded they let me in. However, I was raised a princess, not a fighter and training was complete hell. In fact I failed exams three times. A lot of work outs and gun courses later, I became Ashelin Praxis KG queen. I was second in my classes at the time. (The first being some idiot by the name of Torn). After all overcoming my fear of needles by getting a full facial tattoo that took over four hours was one my greatest ever accomplishments. I was successful in becoming a KG, but not so much in earning my father's favor. Although proud of my dedication to him, he had picked Errol over me as first in command and Torn as second. I was nothing but a pretty trophy and that was the day I wanted to show my father that was more than a bragging rite.
3. I used to have long hair.
My red locks were wavy and thick. It ran to the middle of my back and was perfect in every way. Of course I was always completely conceited so I figured my entire body was perfect in every way. Oh yes, I was not the hard core woman I am now. I was much like any girly girl who prided herself on how gorgeous her super model like hair was. However, it got in the way of my fighting and combat. A lesson that was made clear whenever I was in boot camp and the guy I was sparring with got a fist full of my hair and pulled it tight effectively crippling me. "You know, girls with short hair aren't bad at all sweetheart." He cooed in a low velvet voice that boiled my blood, yet was oddly enticing. Over the course of time I found myself thinking about that velvet voice a lot and I wanted to beat him. It was either cut my hair or get a breast reduction.
That day I showed up in a short red up do and manages to pin the velvet voiced man on my first try. Who knew a man, I found annoying and teased me about my favorite feature would serve to be my knight in shining armor, my commander, and the helper of my father's downfall.
4. I kissed Jak once.
It was in a heat of moment. It was a thank you kiss. It was an 'I'm sorry' kiss. It was lusty and one hell of a great kiss. It was something I don't regret. It was something that confused me. It wasn't the end of me and Torn. It wasn't meant to hurt anymore. It wasn't me picking one over the other. It was a kiss. And that's it. I had many kisses, but only one gave me a feeling like for once I wasn't a princess, or a cop, or even a damsel in distress. Only one kiss made me feel like Ashelin. And I relive that kiss every night and every morning and if I'm lucky in between security briefings and while the paper work was being handed in.
5.) I cannot handle my liquor.
as confidant I am, I will refuse alcohol every time. I am a horrible drunk and what's worst my horrible drunk will come out within the 2-3. Shot. No matter what, waking up to the sight of your panties caught in the fan, a sea of fast food wrappers thrown all around the floor, your head swimming and foggy with snippets of a karaoke night playing over and your boyfriend-your ex military boyfriend- staring as though he saw something disturbing (or extremely exciting) it does not leave you with a good feeling. So I may have a single glass of wine and that's only if I locked up in a room somewhere.