Severus and Samara walked down to the beach in silence. The mist had cleared a little by the ocean, and Samara sat down on a rocky platform, looking out to the sea, which glittered quietly in the grey light of the early evening. Severus sat down next to her, and for a while, neither of them knew how to break the silence.
"I'm sorry if I scared you. I feared you might try to turn me in."
"Of course you scared me. But since when do you care about my feelings?" she replied, bitterly.
He looked down, embarrassed, staring at his hands.
"I need answers this time, if I'm to trust you again, Severus. All of them"
Severus hesitated, unsure where to start. He knew this wouldn't be easy.
"It was Dumbledore's wish that I should kill him."
"What? Why would he want you to kill him?"
"After the accident with the ring he knew he would die soon, and he made me promise that I would help him to a quick and easy death."
"But we were only days away from having a cure! He didn't have to die!"
Severus nodded. "I told him I was no longer willing to do it, but he tried to hold me to my promise. And then something else happened."
"Something else?"
"Dumbledore had gone away on some sort of mission with Potter, and while he was away, the Death Eaters broke into Hogwarts. When they returned, Dumbledore was dying. Samara, I had only seconds to decide – we were surrounded by Death Eaters, Dumbledore was in agony, in unbearable pain. He was pleading with me to end it. What was I supposed to do?"
"How about stunning the Death Eaters, and taking him to St. Mungo's?" she replied, unconvinced.
Severus shook his head.
"Nobody could have saved him. He drank poison, and a very dark and evil one at that. He had never before allowed me to see into his mind, but at that moment, I could read it in his eyes. He knew what he was doing, he sacrificed himself."
"Sacrificed – for what?"
"For me, he gave his life for mine."
Samara didn't understand. Seeing the confusion on her face, he sighed, a sigh so heavy with sorrow, she knew it was hard for him to explain. Nevertheless he tried.
"I made a vow, Samara, an Unbreakable Vow. The Dark Lord had set young Draco Malfoy the task of murdering Dumbledore, a task at which he could not succeed. His mother asked me to protect him, and do the deed should Draco fail."
"Draco Malfoy? You mean the son of that Malfoy?"
"Yes. But he is only a boy…"
"Why did you have to make an Unbreakable Vow though?"
"I was backed into a corner, and I had already promised Dumbledore the same. From that moment, it was him or me. Still, I was going to die rather than murder Dumbledore. He knew that, so he presented me with a fait accompli."
His black eyes were glittering, he was fighting down tears. Samara reached out, and put her hand on his arm.
"He was like a father to me. He believed in me, he gave me a chance when nobody else would have done... He died for me…"
His voice was hoarse, and then as a single sob escaped his chest, his eyes overflowed and a tear rolled down his cheek. He averted his face to wipe it away, embarrassed that she should see him cry.
Samara looked at him piercingly. "Severus, why did you become a Death Eater?"
For a long time, he said nothing, and just stared out to the sea. He didn't look at her when he finally replied.
"I was young and angry, and my heart was poisoned."
"The girl you wanted to ask to the Yule Ball?" Samara asked tentatively.
He turned and looked at her, surprised. How could she have guessed? He nodded slowly.
"I loved her from the day I first saw her - on the playground near where I grew up. We became friends. Later she started dating someone else. And not just anyone, she went out with the fellow who, from my first day at Hogwarts, had bullied, and taunted, and humiliated me. Our friendship went to pieces. I was blinded by hatred for him. I yearned for revenge, for recognition, and the only people I could still call friends were supporters of the Dark Lord.
"It was stupid of course, and I don't expect you to understand. I don't know what ultimately seduced me; I never was into Muggle-bashing, and all that pureblood nonsense. I guess it was the promise of superior power, superior knowledge. I was a fool… I soon realized what I had got myself into, but it was too late. "
He paused. "I witnessed some terrible things, Samara, so terrible they still haunt my dreams at night. But the Death Eaters are not some sort of country club where you can just cancel your membership. Once you're in, the only way out is being tortured to death."
"So how did you get out then?"
"I didn't! Here…" He held out his left arm. "I still bear the Dark Mark. Every time it burns, I rush to his side. I'm constantly at his beck and call. Dumbledore taught me Occlumency, so that I can hide my true thoughts and feelings from the Dark Lord, but I walk a very thin line. I'm only alive because he believes I never left him, because he believes me to be his spy at Hogwarts, and because I feed him what appears to be useful information. Every time I go there, I might be found out. Every time I go, I might not return. And he frequently tortures me to remind me not to disappoint him."
Samara exhaled. She would never have believed that she could feel sorry for a Death Eater.
"What happened with the girl?"
"You know her story, everyone knows their story. They had a son, Harry Potter."
Her eyes widened, incredulously. "You were in love with Lily Potter?"
He nodded slowly, then looked away, as if to hide more tears. "I loved her all my life. And I'm responsible for her death."
Samara shot him a questioning look, and after a moment of silence, he continued.
"I spied for the Dark Lord, I gave him information about a prophecy I overheard. I should have known of course, that it would prompt him to take an innocent life. But I only started to care when he decided to go after Lily's boy." His voice was bitter with self-loathing. "Only then, when I feared for her life more than my own, did I find the courage to turn my back on the Dark Lord. I went to Dumbledore for help, but he could not protect them in the end. When she was killed, all I wanted was to die, but Dumbledore gave me a purpose to live, a way to redeem my guilt."
There was a long silence. Samara's heart felt heavy. What a terrible burden to carry; finally she understood how he had become the way he was.
"I trust you, Severus. I can hide you. Stay here at Ravencroft, there is no need for you to run. And I will tell them the truth."
He shook his head. "No. Dumbledore's sacrifice has bought us an advantage we could not have dreamed of before. Now the Dark Lord has complete faith in me, I'm his favourite, his most trusted advisor. Now he is vulnerable. I could not be in a stronger position from which to work against him. Let them hate and despise me, it is my best cover. I will return to the Death Eaters, and play my part, until it's time to strike."
"Just stay tonight then… Just one more night…"
His black eyes looked at her sternly.
"No, Samara, I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you, but I cannot give you what you want. I must continue down this path. You must forget me."
'How am I supposed to forget the man I love?' she thought. There he was, alive and wonderful, and yet, never to be hers. Oh, how she longed to be close to him, how it would hurt to let go.
"You are going to die for her, aren't you?" she said, her voice barely a whisper.
He didn't reply. It hadn't really been a question.
"Then at least let me help you." she continued, her eyes glittering.
"Because now you have finally learned to stun?" he sneered. "Don't be ridiculous. Your help is likely to get both of us killed."
Samara was hurt by those words, even though she knew he was right.
"Please. There are other things I'm good at."
"Samara, you are naïve and impulsive, something that does not mix well with your lack of defence skills, especially not in these times. I would hate to see you join the long list of people who have lost their lives in this war. Therefore, I must insist that you do not get involved, and try to stay alive. If you want to do something useful, then keep working on that potion. But you must promise not to seek me."
"Poppy warned me about you, you know," Samara said, blowing out a sharp breath, a bitter smile lifting one corner of her mouth.
"And she is right. You ought to listen to her," he replied, seriously.
"I can't."
He sighed heavily with resignation. "Give me your hand."
Samara held out her hand, and gave him an inquiring look as he took out his wand, and, pointing it at the ring on her finger, muttered an incantation she did not understand.
"What have you done?"
"I turned your ring into a Pending Portkey. If you decide to wear it, it will allow me to call you, if and when I truly need your help. But until then, you must promise to stay away from me."
"I didn't know such a thing existed."
"Sometimes a little Dark magic can be useful. Now, do I have your word?"
She nodded quietly, although she suspected he would sooner die than activate the Portkey.
"Why can't you tell me how you got the ring?"
"Because," he replied slowly, "if I told, you might storm off, and do something rash, and put yourself in danger."
"You do know who it was then?" Samara gasped. "Tell me! I will hex their balls off!" Her eyes glittered fiercely.
"That is precisely why I'm not telling you. And I can assure you, hexing their balls off would be quite unnecessary, as they have none to start with."
Samara looked at him reproachfully, but he ignored her. The light was starting to fade, as the sun was going down behind the thick layer of clouds.
"Now I will have to leave, and you – look out for yourself."
"One last kiss," she tried to bargain.
He put his hands around her head, and gently brushed a lock of hair out of her face. His eyes were soft and full of sadness.
"Let's not make this harder than it already is."
Then he got up and summoned his broom, reaching out to catch it as it came flying through the air. He mounted it, and without looking back, zoomed off, his black cloak fluttering behind him. Samara watched him disappear into the distance, wondering whether she would ever see him again.