Disclaimer: Please don't sue. I don't own POTO... All I own is an overactive imagination.

Summary: ErikRaoul slash. Post-POTO. A bit of R/C (yeah). General discontent runs through the characters as they are forced to adjust their views of happily ever after. I guess a bit of E/C as well (but that's usually unavoidable)

Warning(s): slash (that's homosexual content for those of you who don't know)

Pairing(s): ErikRaoul

A/N: I'm sorry this is late. I'm trying to find out whether I'm narcoleptic or not (I'm not. I'm just tired and lazy on the weekends, when I can, RW is going to move to Wednesdays so I don't have to work on weekends).

Story Note: This actually had to get separated into two chapters. Because this by itself is enough. The fated day. T.T Oh, btw, I have no idea what the time frame is right now, but it's warm weather now. (that's probably off, they should be in winter still, right? Not for me though.)

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Reluctantly Willing

Chapter 16 - … to allow

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By: Lucifer Rosemaunt

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Erik turned the page of the book he'd picked up so long ago when he'd thought that he was going to leave the estate and not by his own decision. Even to this moment, weeks later, he had only read the title and author. It was rather impossible to read when his mind was filled with so many thoughts, but when he tried to think without using some sort of distraction in place, Raoul would watch him. The Vicomte wouldn't say anything. No, that would simply be too forward of the boy, and for some reason, as much as Raoul was starting to return to his old self, this was one aspect that hadn't changed. Erik wasn't sure whether he should be relieved or not.

When Raoul worked, Erik was often working himself, unable to keep the ideas at bay. They needed to be written down; so, painting, building, and song were jotted down. The new den was beginning to be filled with his works. He wasn't even sure what he was going to do with them, but it hardly mattered. What mattered was that it was being written before the sudden onslaught of creativity drove him insane. He didn't think it had ever been this bad before, but figured it was probably due to the fact that he didn't have an organ to focus most of his energies on.

He knew Raoul looked through his works sometimes. It wasn't as though the boy was being subtle. In the afternoon, when Raoul had reached his limits of working, he'd meander around the room while Erik tried to finish his own work. He noticed how the boy gave each sheet of paper equal amount of attention whether it was a composition or a meager sketch that was never meant to be completed. At those times, he was more focused than Erik ever seen him even compared to when he was working. It was a bit unexpected.

He could tell when Raoul understood what he was seeing and whether or not he liked it simply by his expressions. If he were honest, he didn't get much work done during those moments, just for the sake of watching him.

Looking past Raoul, who sat on a rather high branch above him to his left, he looked through the branches that intertwined above them, providing some shade and cooler temperature from the heat. He cleared his mind for a second just to enjoy the sun. It seemed like he was beginning to like it more and more nowadays. He'd definitely never thought that he'd be sitting outside, leaning against a tree in the middle of the day reading a book. Well, he wasn't actually reading but still. It seemed too normal, too calm.

He was brought out of his musings when Raoul was slightly off tune hitting a note in his humming.

"Be quiet," Erik said automatically.

Raoul had taken to humming when he wasn't singing and they weren't speaking, and since Erik had told him he was not allowed to speak at all when he was trying to read, the blonde had begun to hum. Erik had learned to mostly tune out the sound. He had problems when he heard a mistake, but surprisingly, the blonde rarely was off tune. He had a sneaking suspicion that the times he was had been on purpose, though he could never prove it.

"I don't have anything else to do but hum," Raoul stated, resigned to the fact that he couldn't sing or even talk.

"Still."

Raoul complained half-heartedly, "You're not fun at all."

"I'm not here for your amusement."

Raoul hmph'd but didn't really take him seriously. Erik had been humouring him the past week when he'd come to the realization that he couldn't spend all his time just working. Unlike before, he became restless when he was inside the house for too long, working on those businesses that really just wanted his money. He wanted to be outside, seeing something other than expenses, doing something.

Looking at the apple on his lap, he smirked. He glanced down to look at Erik reading. He should have brought his own book but he hadn't been interested. It was simply too beautiful a day to pass up. So, he'd simply brought a snack and expected Erik to humour him once more. Instead, the man decided to bring a book and generally ignore him. It wasn't very nice. Grinning, he held out the apple and aimed.

"Apple," he warned.

Erik simply held his hand out, eyes still focused on the book in his hand.

Raoul dropped the apple and watched with delight as it landed directly on Erik's lap. Erik jerked forward as it landed dangerously close to his groin. He glared at the blonde. "You have horrible aim."

"Who says I was aiming for your hand?" Raoul barely contained his laughter.

Erik rolled his eyes. "Don't make me pull you off that branch so that you can break your pretty little neck."

Raoul laughed and resumed his humming. He closed his eyes and leaned his head against the trunk of the tree.

Summer was fast in coming and it was only in the small woods on the estate that they could escape the heat. So, they spent their days there, giving most of the servants the day off when they could. They spent their afternoons walking, horseback riding, fencing, and when Erik refused to directly amuse him and he couldn't work any longer, they ended up like this.

Even though Erik was just reading, Raoul couldn't help but enjoy the fact that he was always there with him. In fact, Raoul was almost certain that they weren't even intentionally doing it anymore. It was simply natural now to be in the same room together, to sleep, to eat, to drink at the same time and usually in the same room. Except for the sleep part of course.

Raoul had been 'given' the new bed – he'd been forced to sleep there. Of course, he'd tried to annoy Erik enough after that first night to switch because for some reason, he hadn't been able to sleep that well. It took about three days, but Erik finally did give in to his request. And even though they were in different rooms, Erik had forbidden they close the door. Raoul hadn't really minded. An open door compared to sleeping in the same room for several days was actually quite a distance apart.

He was waiting though for the time when Erik would leave. He'd stopped really thinking of Christine, or at least, when he did think of her, it wasn't filled with the bitterness and pain from before. She was just there, a bad memory among others. She might take precedence, but he could move on. That was what he focused on. He focused on the fact that he was happy without her there, that he could be happy and might be happier without her. It had come as a revelation, but he was rather proud of himself with the progress he'd made even though he was a little worried that it was a false happiness. He might've just found someone else to occupy his mind. He couldn't help but worry that he'd simply attached himself to the next convenient person and that once Erik left, he'd once again become depressed.

He sighed, letting those worries go for a moment. He really had no control over such a decision. He'd known all along that Erik was eventually going to leave for Christine. No amount of hoping would do anything to stop that. He told himself that if he really needed to, he'd find someone else. He could find another eligible woman out there who he'd be able to stand. He could probably attach himself to another person rather easily, now that he'd had practice, now that he'd seen that life could get better.

Erik took a moment when Raoul was distracted to really look at him. This was what he'd seen those weeks ago. He'd seen this Raoul, blonde hair free, eyes closed, head tilted back to take in the sun that managed to shine through the canopy. One bare foot was dangling, while the other one steadied him on the branch. He was wearing a loose white shirt and riding pants, clothes that were actually similar to his own at the moment.

Raoul looked better. He smiled and laughed more. He talked and sang.

It was time to leave.

He knew it and was reluctant to act on that knowledge. Well, not really reluctant, he always found reasons to stay. He didn't think that Raoul still loved Christine. There was, of course, no way to know for certain unless he asked the boy himself, which was the one thing he hadn't and probably wouldn't do. In fact, Erik hadn't brought Christine up in a while. To his dismay, these past few days had gone without him even remembering why he was still on the Chagny estate. He'd simply gone through the day as though it were normal to live with Raoul. It shouldn't be this natural, and he had to remind himself of that fact.

He wasn't here to stay, even though it seemed like Raoul wanted him there. He'd never been wanted anywhere, so he was certain it was simply his imagination. The bed made him think otherwise; the boy had even had another desk set up in his den after the move. He'd bought extra paper and even paints. The only thing he hadn't done was get him an organ. Of course, Erik didn't want or need an organ at the Chagny estate. He'd just been distracted, distracted by the kind of life he might have been able to have without his deformity – he ignored the fact that he had the deformity now and was living as such.

Raoul couldn't be all that better though. Sometimes, when he thought Erik wasn't looking, something close to despair would cross his features. Those familiar blue eyes would look unseeing into some distance; his brows furrowed slightly, lips pressed together. Erik saw it and knew he couldn't leave just yet. All it took was one strong emotion after all, and the blonde would probably chase after them without a second thought.

But he hadn't seen that look in a while. Either Raoul was becoming better at hiding it or he was really fine. Whichever one it was, he'd still have to prepare. He'd made up his mind. It didn't matter what expression Raoul showed today because he was going to go back to his own home, and that thought was a little odd now. In his mind, home wasn't the opera house any more. That home had been destroyed by the mob. That home had been burned down. His home now was in the room that was once the boy's. He shook his head. This wasn't the time to lose focus. He needed to go down to his home, find a mask and suitable travelling clothes. Though, he wouldn't have to worry about the clothes. He'd accumulated more than enough here. So, all he really had to retrieve was a mask so that he could travel and then he'd return to the Chagny estate to pack his clothes before looking for Christine.

It would be the first time he'd gone off the estate in weeks. He amended that thought in disbelief, more than a month. It had been a month maybe two now since Christine left. He didn't even know where all that time had gone. He didn't know how he could have possibly been so engaged in his efforts with Raoul that he'd actually let so much time pass. In his defense, he'd been unconscious then bedridden the first week on the Chagny estate. Then, there'd been that annoying period where Raoul had simply been depressed. Then, Erik paused, trying to remember. Raoul had steadily improved after they'd gotten rid of everything of Christine's. He should've been preparing to leave at least a few weeks ago. He couldn't actually remember why he hadn't. He couldn't remember even wanting to.

Just a bout of inattentiveness in his part. He'd have to tell Raoul that he'd be leaving, considering the fact that the blonde would easily know if he suddenly disappeared. They did spend every moment of their day together, and Raoul slept lightly. He'd been sleeping more, but at certain sounds he'd awake. One of those sounds was Erik himself. It seemed that Raoul had managed to attune his hearing to him. It was annoying at best.

Deciding that he'd leave in the middle of the night so that no one would be able to spot him, he knew that meant he'd have to tell Raoul at dinner or before they retired for the night. Now if only he knew why he was dreading doing so.

"Erik."

He was startled for a moment. Raoul stood up on the branch, shifting the shadows, and a glare from the sun caught his eye. He looked up just in time to see Raoul lose his footing on the branch and fall. Erik quickly stood up, but Raoul landed on his stomach on the branch before sliding off. He held on before completely falling off. Wincing, Raoul looked down towards the floor. Erik was looking at him disapprovingly.

"What did I tell you about standing up?" Erik rolled his eyes to hide the rapid beating of his heart. He was about to pull the boy down himself for scaring him like that.

Raoul frowned. "I was trying to get down."

"That's what I told you. You don't need to stand up to get down."

The distance to the floor wasn't too far any. Releasing his hold, Raoul ended up in a crouched position from the impact. He sat down the small distance left and rubbed his stomach. "Ow."

Erik shook his head. He had stood up on instinct alone, but he wasn't sure if it was to catch Raoul or dodge him in case he fell. So far, the boy had been lucky. He'd always managed to catch himself; he wasn't actually sure if that was luck because Raoul always hit the branch in one way or another on his way day. It always slowed his descent sufficiently so that he didn't injure himself too badly.

He crouched in front of Raoul and swatted his hands away. "Let me see."

Raoul only held onto his stomach tighter. "No."

"No?" Erik said. Raoul never said no to him. In fact, now that he thought about it, Raoul had been rather complacent the whole time he'd stayed, letting Erik do whatever he wanted. However, "no" was not an answer Erik would accept at the moment. He grabbed Raoul's shirt and lifted it up even as he tried to keep it down.

"Your hands are always cold," Raoul complained. After a brief struggle, Raoul simply sighed and let Erik look at his stomach. There was a bruise already there from yesterday when he'd fallen off the branch. He had a feeling today's would add another bruise.

"I don't know how you keep doing that. Is it so hard to climb down a tree without falling out of it?"

"I'm cursed."

Erik retorted, "You need to stop climbing trees."

"Is it my fault that's the only thing to do when you're reading?" Raoul asked and hissed as Erik probed the bruise intentionally hard.

"You're blaming this on me?" Erik scoffed. Shaking his head, he let out a sigh at Raoul's dejected expression. He stood up and began to walk towards the back of the house, knowing that Raoul would follow.

After a moment of silence, a moment longer than Erik expected, Raoul asked, "The stable?"

Erik nodded. He wanted to check the horses. There was one he had in mind to use, but it wasn't as though the horse was his. It was only his when he and Raoul rode together. Who knew if Raoul would let him take it? Erik shook his head. It didn't matter what Raoul would allow. He would simply take it. In fact, he knew he shouldn't even bother telling Raoul that he was leaving in the first place, but for some reason, he had to explain that he was going to return.

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Dinner had long since passed, and he and Raoul were just returning from their evening walk when Erik was finally able to broach the subject.

"I'm going back to the opera house." It was abrupt, but there had been nothing else to really say. That was the fact and the only way that Erik believed it could be said.

Raoul stopped suddenly, only a few feet from the stairs. Erik, who was in front of him, stopped as well. He turned and suddenly had a déjà vu of his meeting with Christine. However, the blonde gave no shocked gasp. He didn't ask anything. He only looked pained for a moment before nodding to himself.

Raoul couldn't believe it was so soon. Then again, it had lasted longer than he'd expected. A part of him had hoped that maybe Erik wouldn't leave, that maybe he wouldn't go after Christine. Who was he kidding though? Everything Erik had ever done was for Christine.

"Raoul?" Erik asked. There was no doubt that he had heard him.

The blonde didn't respond, simply continued walking up the stairs, past Erik. Erik followed but didn't say anything until they were in their room. Raoul headed directly for the adjoining room even though Erik was certain it was his turn in the new room. The silence and the fact that Raoul was outright ignoring him made him suddenly angry. He was not someone to be ignored. Entering the room, he saw Raoul changing his clothes for the night. He didn't bother to hide his nakedness.

Erik glared at him.

"Raoul…" He started before Raoul said at the same time, "Okay." He punctuated the statement with a lazy shrug of his shoulders.

"Okay?" Erik repeated.

Raoul looked him in the eyes evenly. "I don't know where I'd start looking for Christine, but I assume Madame Giry would know."

Not quite knowing why, Raoul's attitude made Erik angrier than he'd been in a while. Angry like the time Christine had ripped off his mask, like the first time Raoul had acknowledged Christine's existence, angry like the hatred he felt for the gypsy who'd beat him. Logically, he knew that was an unreasonable reaction. The blonde was simply accepting the fact that he was going to leave, and he was even trying to help him in his efforts to find Christine without so much as a question or effort to stop him. Not that he could be stopped.

He'd been doing rather well with keeping his temper in check; actually, it wasn't even about his temper. He simply hadn't wanted to hurt anyone in a while. Raoul's indifference erased all the composure he'd gained through the weeks, and it didn't even matter he couldn't exactly explain why he was angry. The only thing that mattered was that he was angry and that it felt good. It felt like he was actually himself again, not that person who liked to sit in the sun, not the one who relaxed when he saw Raoul safely on the ground again, definitely not the one who spent days with the Vicomte without a second thought to Christine. He'd been blinded by this lie, by this charade of an existence in a life that was so obviously not his own.

Things were clearer now thanks to the anger. So before he lost it, he grabbed Raoul's arm, twisting it behind his back and pressed him onto the bed using his weight to lean completely on him, pleased when the blonde let out a yelp of pain.

Raoul struggled for a moment in surprise, but once pinned on the bed, he didn't react. They were both breathing hard though. Burying his face into the bed covers, Raoul hid his face. He'd known this day was going to come, he really had, when Erik finally stopped being nice to him. It wasn't completely unanticipated; he simply hadn't thought it would happen like this.

He just wished he hadn't changed into his nightshirt because he could feel Erik plainly through his clothes. The heat and pressure was stifling. He could barely breathe.

"I'm returning tomorrow to get a horse and then I'll be gone," Erik whispered harshly.

Raoul nodded when he applied more pressure to his arm. He hadn't realized he'd been expected to reply. He thought that Erik was simply informing him.

"Don't follow."

Raoul nodded again and then Erik was suddenly gone, his back cooling from his departure. The other man had retreated to his room. Staying face down halfway on the bed, he dragged his arm forward to a more comfortable position. He didn't feel like moving, didn't think he could do so.

He was going to be alone again in this house. The familiar feeling of exhaustion was returning. His body felt heavy even though Erik's weight was no longer on him. His mind felt slow, too slow to really comprehend everything that was happening. So he stayed like that, waiting for his breathing to even out and the will to move to return to him.

When he found enough energy to pull himself onto the bed completely, he noted that the door between their rooms still remained open.

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End Chapter 16

Word count: 3,595

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A/N: Don't forget to R/R (Read and Review)!

Chapter review: So, OOC Erik in the beginning with his niceness and calm behaviour. But wow, is Erik back to his old self? He'd been doing so well. Maybe Raoul shouldn't have been so indifferent to the news that he was leaving. Maybe their good-bye could've been something better.