Chapter 4 - I Won't Let Go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it's hard
This part of life
It finds us all
But we're too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
And you can't cope

I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I Won't Let Go

- Rascal Flatts, "I Won't Let Go"

The Doctor read this book once on the heart's code. In it, the author poses a theory that this "code", a type of spiritual energy, travels 186,000 miles from a person's heart into space in the matter of one second and can be used to heal the heart of a person who is sick or injured. This theory is never proven, and the Doctor has always been skeptical of its credibility. Right now, however, he chooses to push aside any doubt he had and fully believe this theory. If a heart could help heal, then surely his two could do even more than one. Besides, he doesn't know what else he can do to help the broken girl curled in his arms.

He holds her tight. Probably too tight for her injuries, but when she leans into him instead of trying to escape his grip, he knows she needs this more right now.

He can't imagine what she has been through. He wants to ask her. Maybe if he understands more, if he knows exactly what she went through while in the Master's imprisonment, he can figure out how to help her. But at the same time, he's really does not want to know. Everything that she has been through is his fault. The Master wanted revenge for something he had done. And he decided to get it through Rose. The way he knew would hurt the Doctor the most.

He also doesn't want to ask her before she is ready to tell him. He will give her time. Time to heal and start to recover. Time to adjust back to life on the TARDIS. Maybe even enough time for her to start trusting him again. There is no way she still could after he had all but completely abandoned her for several months.

When she has stopped crying and her breathing returns to a normal rhythm, she lifts her head and leans it against him, making no attempt to leave his embrace. He takes that as a sign to keep his arms draped around her.

He feels as though he should say something to her, but what words does one use in a situation like this? She spares him from having to figure it out with the first coherent words she has said to him since before they split up and ran from the Master.

"I was so scared. I didn't think I was going to ever make it out of that room alive." The sound of her voice shocks him. It is so familiar. It comforts him and gives him a slight sense of relief. He had not been sure he would ever hear it again. But at the same time, it's different. He isn't quite sure how to describe the change. It is subtle, but since he knows her voice so well, it seems so obvious. The only word he can think of to describe this change is 'haunted'.

He tightens his arms and rests his chin lightly on top of her head. "I am sorry. I am so, so sorry! None of this should have happened to you. All this is my fault."

Rose shakes her head, but says nothing. After a few more all too short seconds, she pulls away from him and sits back again, wincing and resting a hand on her ribs. The Doctor tells her he will be right back, and goes to get a syringe filled with a strong analgesic.

"This should help with the pain," he says as he re-enters her room and takes his seat in the chair next to her bed. "It also will most likely make you extremely tired. You should sleep if you can." He sees she is hesitant, so he repeats what he told her last time she slept, "I'll be right here the entire time you're asleep. Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere. I won't let anything happen to you." She hesitates for another second, but then she nods and allows the Doctor to administer the painkiller. He helps her lay back down and sits down in his chair. Within a minute her eyes begin to droop and she falls asleep.

Once again she begins having nightmares. Once again the Doctor lies down next to her to calm her. Once again he is gone before she wakes up and she doesn't know he was ever there.

The next time Rose wakes up, she actually feels a bit rested. She still hurts, but a lot less then she previously had. She looks at the Doctor's chair only to realize he isn't there. This was the reason she didn't want to take the pain killer in the first place. She was afraid if she closed her eyes, he would disappear. Or she would. Or something would happen to one of them and she'd never know. She panics. She quickly sits up, despite the ache it causes, and calls out to him.

"Doctor?" No response. Where could he be? He had promised her he wouldn't leave her. "Doctor!" she calls out, louder and with more urgency.

This time he comes running into her room. She is relieved when she sees him. She lets out a deep sigh and runs her hands through her hair, only then realizing how short it is. She doesn't have time to ponder on it further as he rushes over and hugs her.

"I'm sorry," he says. She feels like he has done a lot of unnecessary apologizing recently. "I thought you'd be out for at least another hour. How are you feeling?" he asks as he releases her.

"Better, I think. How long was I asleep?"

"About 19 hours this past stretch. But you've been back on the TARDIS for a total of about four days now." He tells her that she had been in and out a couple of times during the last few days, but only long enough to eat, well, be fed, a bit more and receive another pain-relieving, sleep-inducing injection. She has no recollection of these times. A side effect of the drugs. "Hold on." He leaves the room again and returns with more for her to eat. Slightly more substantial than broth, but only slightly. Again she begins by trying to feed herself, but after a few mouthfuls she needs his help.

When she is finished eating, he hands her two pills. "These are only mild painkillers. They won't completely erase your pain, but they should ease it. And you'll be able to stay awake." He gives them to her and she swallows them.

The effects are almost immediate. Like he said, she still feels some pain, but a bearable amount. She feels slightly groggy, but she can fight that to stay awake.

"Mind if I examine your ribs?"

She shakes her head and lifts her shirt partially up to allow him access. He gently removes the bandages he had applied four days ago when he first got her back onto the TARDIS. She feels a slight warmth in her stomach as he gingerly runs his fingers along her ribs to feel what was going on underneath her skin. She doesn't think it is really necessary since he can clearly see her ribs through her skin. She didn't realize how emaciated she had become.

"It still looks like a few are broken, but they definitely look better than they did a few days ago." He applies a new bandage and she leans back.

She subconsciously begins rubbing her wrists, like she used to do if there was ever a moment when they weren't tied up during her captivity. That's when she realizes there were no markings on them. She figures there should still be some rope burn or scarring.

The confusion must be written on her face. "I used some of my regeneration energy on your wrists and ankles. They were really bad. The ropes were attached too tightly. You probably would have lost function in your feet. I would have healed your ribs as well, but too much regeneration energy could have been more harmful than helpful," he explains.

Rose nods. She's not sure exactly what it means that he healed her with his regeneration energy or what consequences there might be, but she doesn't bother worrying about it. Not yet anyways. She knows he only did it to help her. And if he's telling the truth about her feet, and she is not sure why he would lie, then she is thankful.

She's thankful for a lot of things he's done for her recently. Rescuing her. Healing her. Being her hands when she was too weak. Putting his life of high speed danger and adventure on hold for her. It didn't escape her notice that he hasn't asked a single question about what happened to her, other than when the last time she ate had been. She also realizes that she wants him to know what the Master has done to her. It is something she can't expect to live with if she has to keep going through it all on her own. She needs him to know. She doesn't know how much she'll be able to get through, but she at least wants to try.

"Some days," she begins, not able to look at him. The Doctor must know what she's about to say, because he sits down on the bed and holds her hand. She squeezes his back. Tightly. "Some days he would be extremely angry for no apparent reason. He would come in, and then he would just start kicking me. I would always try and back away, but there was only so far I could go before he would have me backed up against a wall. One time he was so angry, it felt like a good 40 minutes before he stopped. It was hours before I could get off the floor. And other times…"

She pauses and swallows back the tears that are threatening to fall.

"Rose, you don't have to do this if you're not ready."

She shakes her head. "If I stop now, I don't know if I'll ever be able to start again." Which is true. It was a lot harder to get the first words out than it is to keep them coming.

She tells him about the times the Master would leave her alone for days without any food or social contact. She tells him how lonely she felt. She tells him how he drugged her and how she began hallucinating and stopped knowing the difference between imagination and reality. She also tells him that the only thing that got her through was to think about him and all the happy times they shared together. But there's a lot she doesn't tell him. She doesn't tell him about how those happy times that got her through had the opposite effect later on. That she had lost her faith in him some time during month three. She doesn't want him blaming himself more than he already does. She leaves out another major event she suffered through. She's too embarrassed and ashamed to say it out loud. She's also not sure what he would do with the information. She hopes that if she ignores that it happened, maybe she can forget about it. Other than that, she tells him basically everything she can remember. She gives him the watered down version. Partly for his sake, and partly because she can't get the words out.

The entire time he just sits there in silence and listens to her every word and holding her hand. Even when the tears start rolling down her cheeks and she starts shaking, neither of them move, afraid of breaking the flow of words, in case they wouldn't start again. When she finishes, he squeezes her hand tightly. He places his other hand behind her head, leans forward, and kisses her on the forehead before enveloping her trembling body in another embrace.

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