AN: I want to apologize profusely for how long it took me to get this chapter up (if you don't want to listen to my rambling explanation as to why it took so long, feel free to skip directly to the chapter, ignoring the rest of this note, but keep in mind that this isn't my favorite chapter I've ever written). I was all set to post it after my trip, but then I was editing it and really didn't like the beginning. I couldn't figure out why I didn't like it, so I gave up for a while. Then I got distracted by LeakyCon and reading others' fics, yadayada etc. But anyway, hopefully it will never take me this long to get a chapter up again. I'm not making any promises because I am extremely hard when critiquing my own work so if I don't like something, I won't post it.

Anyways, back to the story. In which I make up a backstory for the Doctor.

Chapter 5 - My Skin

Take a look at my body
Look at my hands
There's so much here that I don't understand

I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable

I'm a slow dying flower
In the frost killing hour
Sweet turning sour
And untouchable

Oh, I need the darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
Oh, I need this

I need a lullaby
Kiss goodnight
Angel sweet love of my life
Oh, I need this

- Natalie Merchant, "My Skin"

The next few days are much of the same. The Doctor plays nurse to Rose, helping her regain her strength. They take short walks around the TARDIS, the Doctor constantly rambling to keep her distracted from whatever is going on inside her mind. She doesn't often absorb his chatter, but is happy for the distraction.

Her nightmares have become worse. His arms wrapped around her are not enough to soothe them anymore. The past few nights he has had no other choice but to shake her until she is awake. She always awakes with a scream and sits straight up, looking terrified. The first time he had to wake her from her terrors, he had immediately tried to embrace her and ensure her she was safe, which had only made matters worse. Since then, he always gives her a moment to reorient herself and figure out who he is and where they are before holding her and trying to rock her back to sleep.

One afternoon, or at least it feels like afternoon, time becomes even more abstract when you never leave the TARDIS, Rose decides that what she really wants to do is take a long, hot bath. Being alone probably isn't the best idea. The Doctor is really good at distracting her from all the different thoughts ricocheting around her mind. Even when he is not trying to.

While alone, Rose cannot escape the memories of her captivity. Her memories are so vivid, she can feel his feet impacting her ribs. His fists pounding against the sides of her head. His hands all over her. She grabs the loofah and scrubs everywhere. As hard as she can. Rubbing her skin raw. So raw in some places, she draws blood. When she finally feels almost clean, or rather comes to the realization that she will never feel properly feel clean again, she takes a deep breath and slides down so she is completely submerged under the water.

She stays under for almost a minute, hoping the water will wash everything away from both her body and her mind.

For a moment, she thinks it might be easier to stay under. To let the water take her. But then she remembers the Doctor. She thinks about how much he has done for her recently, nursing her back to health, putting his life of endless danger and adventure on hold for her, and how in all that time he has never pushed her to talk about what happened. He would occasionally ask if she wanted to discuss her nightmares, (she never did,) but he never tried to force her to talk about them when she refused. She though about how guilty he would feel if she never came back up. She knows he still blames himself for everything she suffered.

But how would he feel if he knew the whole truth? If he knew about everything she had been through and how damaged it left her. She's been trying to act more whole around him. Like she hasn't been torn to a million tiny pieces and put back together in a form barely resembling herself. She is sure she hasn't been very successful, especially at night when nightmares and memories plague her dreams and she trembles in his arms for hours after he wakes her.

She remains under the water for as long as she can, until she makes a last second decision and sits up quickly, taking in a deep breath of air.

For some reason, she does feel slightly better afterwards.

She gets out of the tub, wraps a towel around herself, and looks in the mirror. She takes a moment to really take in her new appearance for the first time. The vague Rose-form that the millions of broken pieces formed when hastily glued back together. The first thing she notices is how short her hair is. The Doctor had told her that he had no choice but to cut it short. It will take her a while to get used to it. It is cut to just below her ears. She hadn't had it this short since she was about 8-years-old. Her eyes drift from her hair to her face. She hardly recognizes herself. Her face is pale and thin. Her eyes are hollow, empty, and sunken. She doesn't like what she sees. Who is the stranger and where did Rose Tyler go? She secretly vows to avoid mirrors for the time being.

She dresses in clothes that are not hers, for none of her clothes fit anymore. She has to find smaller ones in the TARDIS dressing room. There is a wide variety of choices, but she usually just opts for a pair of sweatpants or jeans, a t-shirt, and a sweatshirt that is far too large for her. But it smells like the Doctor and makes her feel safer. Not necessarily safe, but safer than she feels without it.

Once dressed, she goes to find the Doctor. He is what she really needs right now. To be near him and forget about the bathtub and the sense of relief being under the water almost brought her. He is sitting on a couch in the library. When he sees her standing in the doorway, he puts the book he is reading down and scoots over to make room for her. She walks over to where he is sitting and curls up on the opposite end of the couch.

"What's that one about?" Rose asks, indicating the book he just put down.

He picks it back up. "Oh you know. The usual. Far off places, daring swordfights, magic spells, a prince in disguise! No… Wait… That's Beauty and the Beast. Ooooorrr possibly Harry Potter. This isn't nearly as exciting. It's a biography of a woman who hasn't been born yet. She will do some pretty amazing stuff though." He smiles at her and she gives him a small smile back and shakes her head. She loves when he makes his silly references like that and acts as if he is just confused.

Her smile drops as she begins to feel guilty about how she contemplated ending her life just minutes ago in the bathroom. He's doing the best he can to act like everything will eventually get back to normal. It's time for her to try and do the same. But she's just not sure how. 'Normal' feels like so long ago she can barely remember it. She can't remember what her life was like when she was happy, carefree, and relatively burden-less.

She tried to think back to normal. To how she would feel when they first arrived on a strange new planet. She would always be full of questions about the people who lived there. Who they were. What they liked to do. What kinds of food they ate. Full of questions. Well, if that's normal then she's not too far from it now. But the questions she has now are less 'excited curiosity' and much more needing of an explanation.

She looks over at the man who has the answers. He's staring intently at her.

"Penny for your thoughts?" He raises his eyebrows at her.

She sighs and begins to ask some of the many questions that have been weighing on her recently. "Who is he? The Master? You said he is another Time Lord, but I thought you said you were the last."

He puts his book down again and turns towards her. She awkwardly shifts her gaze between looking down at her hands clasped tightly together in her lap, and looking into his eyes.

"I thought I was the only one. I'm still not sure how he survived the Time War. It's weird because I should have been able to sense him. It wasn't until he stepped out from the shadows and I was able to look in his eyes that I figured out who he was. He looked different from back on Gallifrey, but I could tell immediately. No one else had ever held that much contempt towards me."

"Why does he hate you so much?"

At first she is not sure he is going to answer. He stares off into space somewhere behind her.

"He and I were friends back when we were young boys on Gallifrey. Best friends actually. We were practically inseparable. As children, we are all taken to look into the Time Vortex. Most of us run away. I sure did. Not him though. He wanted to prove something. He stared into it for far too long. It drove him mad. Slowly at first. But as time went on he became more and more unstable.

"He had a girlfriend. Another one of our close friends. She was practically a sister to me and at the beginning I couldn't have thought of a better guy for her to be with. But one day when they were together, he completely lost it. Beat her so hard she ended up in the hospital. When she was released, she was all set to go back to him. To forgive him. She loved him. She found out in the hospital that she was pregnant with his child. I convinced her that their child would be safer without a father. That he was only going to become worse and they would be in constant danger. I helped her escape so he could never find them.

"After that he went off the deep end. His psychosis increased exponentially. I didn't realize that she was the last link between him and his sanity. We had to lock him away. I would still go visit him occasionally. Every time he would tell me how much he hated me for what I had done. He blames me for taking away all his happiness by separating him from the thing he loved the most. So that's what he did to me. That's why he did all those horrible things to you. I hurt him by taking away someone he cared deeply about, so he decided he would hurt me by taking away someone I care deeply about."

Rose reaches out to him and holds his hand. He looks at her. "You did the right thing," she tells him. "You protected your friend. You couldn't know that he was going to completely snap."

He squeezes her hand back. "It doesn't change the fact that you suffered because of me."

Rose is thankful that she didn't tell him everything the Master did to her. He blames himself more than she thought he did. It was a lot more personal than she could have imagined.

The Doctor's book, which had apparently been teetering on the edge of the table he had placed it on, falls to the floor with a loud bang, causing them both to jump and let go of each other's hands. He goes to pick it up and put it back on a shelf.

Then a thought hits Rose and she doesn't know why she hasn't asked until now. "Speaking of far off places," she starts, remembering what he had said about his book, "Where are we?"

He sits back down next to her and grabs her hand, looking concerned. "Rose, we are in the library. See all the books?"

She pulls her hand back and pushes him. "You know what I mean!" she laughs. It feels good to be able to joke and laugh with the Doctor again. Maybe 'normal' is something they can find again.

He smiles, grabs her hand again, and says, "Come see!"

He leads her to the TARDIS door and pulls the doors open. She gasps at what she sees.