Chapter 7 - Riverside

I walk to the borders on my own
Fall in the water just like a stone
Chill to the marrow in them bones
Why do I go here all alone?

Oh my god
I see
How everything is torn
In the river deep
And I don't know why
I go
The way
Down by the Riverside

- Agnes Obel, "Riverside"

As the TARDIS rocks, Rose is filled with a mixture of exhilaration and fear. She remembers back to how this feeling used to be so exciting. The unknown of where they were going to go and what was going to happen there. But now, the same unknowns scare her. It's been so long since she has interacted with anyone besides the Doctor, or the Master before that. She's not sure she's ready to be around large, or really any-sized, groups of people yet.

The TARDIS lands. Rose and the Doctor walk towards the door. Rose takes a deep breath as they step outside.

They are in an alleyway. She's not sure where exactly, but it looks like Earth. The Doctor offers her his hand. She grabs it and holds on tightly. Together they walk to the end of the alley and turn the corner onto a fairly busy street. Based on the clothing, it looks to be right around Rose's time period.

Rose is wide-eyed, looking at all the people to make sure the Master is not hiding amongst them. There are people going in and out of shops. People laughing loudly. Children running everywhere. There are men in business suits on their way to work. None of them so much as glance at her or the Doctor, but she remains nervous and vigilant.

The Doctor senses her apprehension as he tightens his grip on her hand and pulls her closer to him as they start weaving through the crowd and up the street. The Doctor seems to know where he is going.

Rose tries her best to keep her eyes straight ahead and away from the crowd, but she keeps thinking she sees the Master out of the corner of her eye. She should have realized that she was not ready for this. But she had wanted to be. She wanted things to go back to normal again. She knew the Doctor was getting restless back on Wonderland. He wasn't good at standing still for long. She had wanted to be brave enough to do this for him. And she was going to be brave. She closes her eyes for a second to take a deep breath and get her mind back together.

Then, out of nowhere, one of the business-suited men accidentally bumps into Rose. When he turns to apologize, the face Rose sees when she looks at him is not the man's face, but the Master's. It's not the man's voice that offers an apology, but the Master's.

Overcome with fear, she makes the biggest mistake she possibly could. She lets go of the Doctor's hand and starts backing away. She ends up backing into a dense crowd of people. People continuously bump into her turning her around in every direction. It is loud. To her, everyone looks and sounds like the Master. She covers her ears by tightly gripping her hands against the sides of her head and squeezes her eyes shut.

Her heart rate increases and she can feel it pounding in her chest. Despite the fact that her eyes are closed, she can feel the world spinning around her. Her legs give out underneath her, but before she collapses to the ground, she feels a hand wrap around her wrist and pull her out of the crowd. Her eyes fly open just in time to see the Doctor before he pulls her into him and a safe embrace.

"I knew this was too soon. Let's get you back to the TARDIS." With one arm wrapped around her shoulders holding her tightly against his body, he leads her back down the alley and into the TARDIS. Once inside, he unwraps his arm and leads her to the steps, where they both sit down.

'Sit down' is a generous term for the way Rose comes into contact with the steps. She more collapses as her legs finally give out beneath her without his arm supporting her and she is overcome with another dizzy spell. She tries to catch her breath but is unsuccessful. She keeps wheezing. Short breaths in and out are all she can manage. Her heart is racing. Her body begins shaking. She realizes she is freezing, yet she can feel her skin becoming sticky with sweat. She can't get her breathing under control, causing her to panic more. She looks to the Doctor for help and an explanation.

"You're having a panic attack," he says calmly as he repositions himself so he is sitting behind her, wrapping his arms around her and holding her firmly against his chest. "You need to get you breathing under control." Despite his calm tones, she can fell that his hearts are also racing. "Just focus on my voice and try to match my breathing patterns. In… Out… In… Out…"

Each breath he takes lasts about three seconds in and three seconds out. She tries to match her breaths with the rising and falling of his chest. It takes about a minute and a half, but she manages to breathe in sync with him. Both their heart rates slow to a normal pace. The Doctor loosens his grip, and Rose pulls away and turns to face him.

"I'm sorry," she begins apologizing, looking down. "There were just too many people. And I kept thinking I was seeing him." She knew he would know to whom she was referring.

"Don't worry about it. We'll just go back to Wonder-"

"No," Rose interrupts him shaking her head and lifting it to look at him. "You go ahead. I'll just stay in here and wait for you to get back. I'll be fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!" She thinks she means it too. "Someone out there needs your help. Besides, I think what I need right now is to have a little time to myself. Now, go out there do what you do best!"

He acts confused for a moment. "You mean push buttons and talk really fast about nothing of consequence until something happens that fixes the problem?"

She laughs slightly, glad he did something to relax her a bit. "Yes. Exactly!"

He smiles at her and gives her one last quick hug before making his way to the TARDIS door again. As he stands in the doorway he gives her one final look. A final chance for her to change her mind. She considers it for a second. He is her safe place and she doesn't want to leave his side, but she knows she has to learn to survive without him at some point. So she just gives him the most sincere smile she can muster and nods.

Rose sighs as the door closes behind the Doctor. She is alone. She walks over to the door and makes sure it is fully closed. When she is convinced it is locked and only the Doctor can get back in, she wanders around the TARDIS.

She still hasn't spent a lot of time alone. She tries to think of something that will distract her and not let her mind wander. She tries watching a funny movie. Then she realizes that her favorite part of watching movies like this is watching the Doctors reactions. He will laugh at the stupidest things, and she will laugh at him. She decides to put on one of her favorite shows and watches a few episodes. The Doctor still hasn't returned when she sits down to eat dinner. Afterwards she starts walking to the library. Maybe reading something will distract her.

It has been the things that she can't tell the Doctor that have been really getting to her recently. She wishes she could tell him everything she left out. She has tried to bring it up numerous times. But the words would never come out. So she would put on a brave face and end up talking about something else instead.

She is still having flashbacks and nightmares about everything. They lessen while she is with the Doctor, but they never go away completely. And her mind keeps playing tricks on her. Occasionally the Doctor will not sound right. It isn't the Master he sounds like, but he doesn't sound like himself either. She will look at him, slightly confused, until he repeats himself or says something else. The second time, he will always sound right. Other times he will brush up against her and the fabric of his jacket will feel wrong. But when she looks at him, everything seems normal. She has decided it is some type of post-traumatic stress and will go away with time.

She tries to figure out why everything intensified when she encountered so many people. Maybe it was because they had been isolated from other people for so long, but when she found herself surrounded she just became so overwhelmed. All the sounds and the smells and the people. It was like she was still hallucinating. Everyone looked and sounded like the Master.

She has to stop thinking about this. She is going to drive herself crazy.

Halfway to the library she becomes distracted. She enters a room just down the hall from her destination. She stands on the edge of the clear pool, glancing down into the deep end. She remembers that time in the bath. When she slid under the water. The peace she felt right before she had to come back up. Maybe she could get that feeling back again.

Without thinking, she takes another step forward and plunges into the cool water. She allows herself to sink to the bottom. She tells herself that this will be easier. She'll be able to forget. And the Doctor won't have to worry about her. He'll be able to go from planet to planet without having to wonder if she can handle it. This will be better.

Her eyelids begin to droop. Her lungs burn from lack of oxygen. She doesn't fight it. The last thing she sees is a strange man swimming towards her, then, everything goes black.

AN: I'll try to get the next chapter up quickly as to not leave you all in suspense for too long. Rose's thought process for her actions will be further explored later down the road.

I just wanted to take some time here to say thank you to everyone who is reading, double thank you to those of you who have favorited and/or followed, and a triple thank you to those of you who have reviewed! Also, to DragonScaleXV who reviewed my last chapter hoping that nothing bad happened to Rose, I AM SO SORRY! But I have to admit that I laughed maniacally after reading that because I already knew what was about to happen. But don't give up just yet! Things can really only go up from here... right?

Oh, and if you haven't heard the song that this chapter is titled from, you should really go listen to it! It is creepy and awesome and I love it!