Chapter 8 - Never Let Me Go

And it's peaceful in the deep,
Cathedral where you cannot breathe,
No need to pray, no need to speak
Now I am under.
Though the pressure's hard to take,
It's the only way I can escape,
It seems a heavy choice to make,
Now I am under.

And it's breaking over me,
A thousand miles down to the seabed,
I found the place to rest my head.

Never let me go, never let me go.
Never let me go, never let me go.

And the arms of the ocean are carrying me,
And all this devotion was rushing out of me,
And the crushes are heaven for a sinner like me,
But the arms of the ocean delivered me.

And it's over,
And I'm going under,
But I'm not giving up
I'm just giving in.

- Florence + the Machine, "Never Let Me Go"

The Doctor pushes open the door and steps inside the TARDIS.

"Rose!" He calls out. "I'm back. Sorry that took longer than I was expecting. Can you believe they thought a Lychnub alien was their pet dog?!"

No response.

"Rose?" He calls out again. He goes to her room and checks to see if she is in there. Nothing. That's when he hears the splash.

"Rose? Did you decide to go for a swim?" Seemed like an odd time for a swim. Rose isn't a huge swimming fan either. She usually only goes in if he is already planning to. And even then she tends to sit on the side and just stick her feet in, until he inevitably and obviously unintentionally splashes her and she feels the need for retaliation that is.

He walks down to the pool. He turns the corner. It takes him a second to find her, but then he sees her at the bottom of the pool. He can tell she is not just swimming. She's not moving and all her clothes are still on.

Without further hesitation or another thought, he dives into the pool. He grabs her and pulls her to the surface, bringing her over to the stairs and pulling her onto the pool deck. He lays her down. She is not breathing. He's not sure exactly how long she was under for. He begins giving her CPR. After a minute of nothing happening, he starts to push down on her chest even harder and with much more urgency, no longer caring if he cracks her ribs again. Finally, Rose coughs up the water that had entered her lungs and starts to twist onto her side. He sits her up and cradles her head tightly against his chest, rocking her back and forth.

"I thought I'd lost you again," he whispers. "Please don't scare me like that."

He rests his cheek on top of her head, pulling her even more tightly into him. He can feel her breathing heavily. Then she pulls away, stands up, and walks out of the room without so much as glancing in his direction.

He begins wondering how she ended up at the bottom of the pool. It's not like she doesn't know how to swim. And why was she in here at all if she didn't have a suit on and wasn't planning on swimming? He could only think of one explanation. She didn't want to come back up.

He ponders this as he changes into dry clothing. Had she been planning this? He knew he shouldn't have left her alone for so long, but she had seemed so adamant when she told him that she wanted to be alone and that he should go help whomever it was that needed him.

She seemed like she had been doing better. She hadn't quite returned to her old self yet, but she was so much better than when he had found her. He thought things could only have gone up from that point. But now this. Why hadn't he noticed anything was wrong? Why didn't he notice she was still so scared, broken, and without hope? What else could he have done? What else can he do?

He walks down the hall and gently knocks on Rose's bedroom door. "Rose?" he asks quietly. "Are you in there?" She doesn't respond, but he can hear her moving around. He tries the door, but it's locked. He can't remember her ever locking it before. He could open it with his screwdriver, but he respects Rose too much to do that.

"C'mon, Rose. I know you're in there. Please open the door and talk to me. I just want to understand." He stands there for about a minute with his head pressed against the door and his eyes clenched tight, wishing he was in there with her. Just when he is about to walk away and give her some space, he hears her unlock and unlatch the door. She doesn't open it all the way, but he takes it as a sign he can enter.

He slowly opens the door the rest of the way and sees her sitting on her bed with her back against the wall. She is still in her wet clothing. She doesn't look at him. He sits down next to her. Neither of them says anything. They both just sit there. After about 5 minutes of sitting in silence, Rose finally breaks down and begins crying.

"Oh god!" she exclaims pulling her knees into her chest and burying her face into her arms, which are wrapped firmly around her knees. The Doctor can just make out the muffled words she says next. "What was I thinking? I'm sorry. It just the nightmares, the flashback, the memories… It seemed like it would be easier for both of us if it would all just end!"

He turns his body so he is facing slightly towards her. He wraps his arm around her and pulls her into him. She is freezing. So he takes off his jacket and drapes it around her shoulders. She turns so that her face is buried into him.

He tightens his arms around her and leans his head down to whisper into her ear. "Nothing about my life would be easier if you were gone. You are a huge part of my life, Rose Tyler. I like it that way. I'm a better person because of you. I was angry and vindictive when we first met. But you. You, Rose Tyler. You turned me into the man I am today. I wouldn't trade the time we spent together for the universe. Even after everything, I still wouldn't trade a single day I've spent with you for a million days without."

She continues sobbing as he holds onto her. When her breathing returns to a normal speed, she lifts her head up and asks a question that, once she asks it, he knows has been bothering her for a long time.

"Can you honestly tell me that there wasn't a single point in time when he had me and you were searching that you thought about stopping?"

The fact that she actually has to ask that question pains him.

"There's something I want to show you," he says as he releases Rose, stands up from the bed, and offers her his hand. Her eyes are red and swollen. He can also see fear and doubt in her eyes, which he assumes are related to both the question she just asked and what his answer might be. She cautiously takes his hand as he leads her out of her room.

The Doctor leads her to his bedroom. She's never been in here before. It is actually a lot more normal than she expected it to be. There is a large bed with blue cotton sheets and a striped quilt. The walls are covered in pictures of the numerous places he has been. She doesn't have much time to take it all in though as he leads her directly to the far wall and desk.

That's when she sees it. There is a massive pile of papers on the desk. Star charts, galaxy maps, timelines. Pictures from every planet he visited on his journey to find her. There are photos of her alone and of the two of them together. Scribblings, circlings, highlights, notes. Pictures and maps are tacked to the wall, strings linked between them, indicating connections Rose can't even begin to understand.

She realizes why he brought her here. This is his answer to her question. This is everything he had done to find her. No. He never even thought about discontinuing his search. The search for her took over his life. Seeing this, she doubted he even slept between the time the Master took her and the time he found her.

The Doctor steps up behind her. "This is what my life is like without you. Chaotic. And if I didn't have you to search for all that time, it would have become meaningless. I felt myself changing back to that angry person I used to be when you first met me all that time ago in the shop. I was short-tempered and almost crossed so many lines I shouldn't have even come close to. All because you were in danger. So no, Rose Tyler. I never once thought about stopping."

She likes it when he uses her full name. He places a hand on her shoulder. She turns towards him and places her arms around his waist. His wrap around her shoulders as he lightly rests his chin on top of her head. She closes her eyes and listens to his hearts beat. They're fast, but it's nowhere near as strong as they were when she felt them beating through his chest after he revived her on the pool deck.

"I'm sorry," she says softly.

"Don't apologize. You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't know. It doesn't matter anymore. What matters now is that you know how much you mean to me. Everything else is just stuff we will have to work through together. Until then we'll avoid the busy planets."

A small smile passes over her face. Then she remembers the strange man she saw dive into the pool after her.

"Who was it that pulled me out of the pool?" she asks the Doctor.

He looks confused, "What do you mean? I did."

"You did? I thought… I mean… I'm not sure what I mean." She shakes her head trying to recall what exactly she had seen in those last few seconds before her eyes closed and the water entered her lungs. The smell of chlorine still coated the inside of her nostrils. Not to mention the fact that she is still wearing the same clothes wet, cold clothing. She obviously wasn't thinking straight then. Maybe she still isn't. "I thought I saw someone dive into the pool right before I lost consciousness, but he didn't look like you. Maybe it was just lack of oxygen."

"Maybe," the Doctor reiterates, still looking slightly concerned. Then he wipes that look off his face and asks, "So, do you want to hear all about the woman who thought a Lychnub was her pet beagle and became really confused when it started breathing fire?"

Rose laughs. "More than anything! But can I maybe take a long hot shower and change into some dry clothes first?" she wraps his coat around herself even more as they walk out of the Doctor's room.