Chapter 9 – How to Save a Life

Step one
You say, "We need to talk"
He walks
You say, "Sit down it's just a talk."
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through

Some sort of window to the right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

- The Fray, "How to Save a Life"

They spend another few days back in Wonderland. The Doctor keeps a close eye on Rose, looking for any signs of her slipping away from him again. He's not too concerned. He thinks what she did was a impulse decision she had made right in the moment. Not something she had been planning. She seems to regret the decision she made.

What does worry him, however, is that he is now sure she is not telling him everything. He had been suspicious for a while now that there is something she is hiding. Now, however, the dynamic between them has changed. She is quieter and avoids holding eye contact with him for prolonged lengths of time. It's as if her attempted suicide has allowed him to see just how vulnerable she still is, and she doesn't want him to see any more of that side of her, but can no longer hide it. She's trying to be the same Rose she used to be. But she's not that Rose. He can see it in those eyes. No matter how hard she tries, her experiences have changed her. It is up to her whether that change is for better or for worse. She can use what she's been through to become even stronger. She can let him in and strengthen the bond between them. Or she can keep it all inside and let it slowly eat away at her.

He knows he needs to break down this wall she is trying to build between them before she constructs it too high for him to push past.

One night they are watching a movie in the TARDIS. He's not really watching it. He's watching her. She's not really watching the movie either. She's just staring at the screen. He can tell by the look on her face that her mind is racing. He can tell that whatever she is hiding from him is big. So big she is either afraid to tell him, or she actually can't get the words out. While she is doing better, he knows that if she keeps this inside, it could wear her down. Too far down.

The credits begin to roll and the Doctor turns off the TV. Rose blinks herself back to awareness, and stands up announcing she is going to bed.

"Rose, wait." He reaches out and grabs her hand. "We need to talk." Rose hesitantly sits back down. The Doctor does his best to keep eyes contact with her as he talks to her, but most of the time she is uncooperative. "I can't help but feel as though there is still something big you aren't telling me. You've been shutting me out these past couple days. Changing the subject when I ask how you are doing." She's not looking at him. The confrontation makes her uncomfortable. He shifts his gaze to try and catch hers as he continues, "Avoiding eye contact whenever possible." She gives him a guilty look. "I just want you to know that whatever you need to tell me, I am right here to listen. You're obviously still hurting, but I can't help you unless you tell me what is wrong."

She breaks away from his gaze again and looks down at her hands, which are holding each other tightly on her lap. She opens her mouth and then closes it, trying to work up the nerve to say something, but the words don't come. After a few attempts, she places her head in her hands and begins rubbing her eyes. He reaches out a hand with the intention of rubbing her back in an attempt to comfort her and help coax out whatever it is she is having a hard time telling him. But as soon as he places his hand on her, she jumps and moves away from his outstretched hand, as he immediately retracts it. Rose stands up. "I'm sorry! I just… I can't right now!" And she walks out of the room.

The Doctor doesn't know how to interpret what just happened. She had never reacted to him touching her like that before. He slowly follows her and sits outside her bedroom door. He can hear her crying inside. It kills him that he can do nothing to help her. He's irritated with himself. He shouldn't have tried to push her like that. He's afraid he has now made things worse and she will be more distant than before.

After what feels like hours, Rose finally cries herself to sleep. He hears her start dreaming. He can tell the nightmares are worse than normal. This is his fault. He tries the door, desperate to get in there and comfort her, but it's locked again. He's not even sure if she would find his presence comforting right now. Not after she seemed frightened by his touch earlier. So he sits in the hallway across from her room, completely helpless. Hating himself for stirring up whatever memories are affecting her so much.

Rose wakes up in a cold sweat. It wasn't a nightmare so much as a memory. She was back in her cell. The nightmare was so vivid that she felt like it was all happening again.

She gets out of her bed with the intention of going to the bathroom and splashing some cold water on her face. And maybe drink a gallon of coffee because she is not sleeping and potentially subjecting herself to that again. When she opens her bedroom door, she is surprised to see the Doctor sitting on the floor in the dark hall. When he hears her open the door, he looks up at her, with a concerned look on his face and red eyes. He heard her dreaming, didn't he? She walks over and sits down on the floor next to him.

"You're right. There is something big that I am not telling you. I want to talk about it. I really do. But at the same time, I really don't. I just want to forget about it." She pauses for a moment, wondering if she should give the other reason. She has to look away as his sad green eyes stare at her, imploring her for more information on how he can help. Her head snaps back towards him. Brown. The eyes looking back at her are definitely brown. She runs her hands through her hair. What is happening to her?

She takes a deep breath and says what she's thinking. A sort of apology for snapping at him earlier when he was just trying to help. "I'm also scared to tell you because I'm afraid of how you'll react."

"You shouldn't concern yourself with how I'll react. I'll be fine. It's you I'm worried about. This seems too big for you to keep to yourself."

"I know. And I've tried. I really have. But the words just won't come."

He makes a move as though he is going to put his arm around her, but then changes his mind. She knows he is thinking back to earlier when she jumped away from his touch. She knows it hurt him. But her mind was filled with thoughts of the Master touching her, and when the Doctor placed his hand on her back, she wasn't expecting it. Her first thought was that it wasn't him, but the Master.

But right now she wants him to hold her. She needs him to hold her. She lifts up his arm and ducks under it, placing it around her shoulders. She slides closer to him in the process and his arm tightens as he lets out his breath.

"What if we find you someone else you can talk to? Someone who is not me?"

"Like who?" She doubts anyone else could even begin to understand. She can't explain who the Master is without someone who doesn't already know him thinking she is crazy.

"When I was looking for you, I ran into Jack. He works for Torchwood in Cardiff now. I filled him and his team in on the Master and what was happening. You could try talking to him, or maybe one of the other members of his team."

She is skeptical about this plan. In all honesty, she doesn't want to talk to a man about this. And the idea of talking to a complete stranger doesn't appeal to her much either.

"Please," the Doctor pleads as he pulls her closer and kisses the top of her head. "Will you at least try? If not for yourself, then do it for me. It will help me to stop worrying so much if I know you aren't dealing with this on your own."

She sighs. She figures the least she can do is try. "Okay," she finally agrees before standing up and walking back into her room, locking the door once more behind her. She lays awake in her bed, too afraid of what she might have to live through again if she closes her eyes.