Sorry for the delay! Some stuff happened... :( And then my brain just spurted the randomest thing it could, and everybody's OC, and just UGH. I don't even think this is fluff. But it IS Equidan (is that what it's called?) and it's for mondonodo.

The song near the end is Everything by Michael Buble. You should listen to it when you get there!

Last note before I let you read, this is kind of an almost-AU where Eridan and Equius are visiting Earth for some reason or another. I really hope you like it *looks worried*

Your name is ERIDAN AMPORA.

Why did you have to have the most ridiculous troll in the universe as your matesprit?

(You're sure that there isn't a more ridiculous troll in any OTHER universes, for that matter.)

You two are going on a long and boring shopping trip, and Equius has been begging you to make him carry something, or open doors, or drive the car.

YOU ARE NOT GOING TO LET HIM DRIVE THE CAR. The last time he drove, he couldn't even get out of the parking lot without breaking everything inside and outside the car. But if you don't let him drive the car, he just sulks.

And you don't even want to think about what happens when he tries to open glass doors. You just don't.

"E-Eridan?" he stutters once you arrive at the mall. "Please… can you tell me to do something? Anything at all? Please?"

"NO, EQUIUS."

This is going to be such a long and boring shopping trip. You wish there was some way you could get out of it!

Wait. Hm. This could be a little useful.

"Hey Equius," you say with a smile. "Do you think by any chance you could go into the store for me and get six bottles of milk?"

"Of course!" he smiles, looking so extremely happy with himself that you almost feel guilty. ALMOST.

Your name is EQUIUS ZAHHAK.

Your master—I mean your matesprit—has just ordered you to get some glasses of milk. He asked you to get six, so you think it would be a good surprise to get him sixty. You do so many things to make him happy.

You try and pick up a bottle without breaking it. You fail. Everybody in the store looks at you, and somebody says you have to pay for that.

"YOU DON'T ORDER ME AROUND, YOU MUTANT PIECE OF SCUM!" you yell, and then you punch him in the face as gently as possible and he sails into the fruits and vegetables. You then proceed to grab (and smash) every bottle in the store and run out.

YOU'RE BORED.

You thought nothing could be more boring than going shopping for groceries, but you were very wrong. Waiting for your matesprit to be DONE with the grocery shopping is even more tedious! How is that even possible? Your little fishy ears flutter in exasperation.

OH MY COD. OH MY COD OH MY COD look at that scarf collection! And those capes… oh wow…. Look at those blues, those royal purples… drat. Your phone is ringing. It's Equius!

"This is Eridan Ampora. What news do you have for me?" you say, just to make yourself sound cool, when in reality you sound stupid. Really stupid.

"Uh, Ma-I mean Eridan, I have the milk for you..."

Darn it. You can't let him find out about your scarf obsession, so you tell him to get you some butter and eggs for good measure.

"Will doo!" Again, he just sounds so excited.

You run into the store and grab as many scarves as possible to try them on. Ooh, this one is so lovely... This one is just so SOFT...

Your name is EQUIUS ZAHHAK. You returned into the score to complete your order to your master's satisfaction, and now there are a couple of security guards lining up to beat you up. What do you do?

You attack them, obviously! Broken milk bottles make really good weapons. Oh no! But now you've lost the milk! You make a note to go buy a cow later so Eridan will be pleased. In the introm, you go grab (and promptly break) all the eggs off the shelves. You then grab all the butter you can find, and when the guards try to catch you, you unwrap it and throw it all on the floor so you can slide out with style. That must be what it's for. Clever humans and their wonderful contraptions!

You immediately call Eridan to inform him of your incredible progress. "Eridan? I have the eggs! And I used the butter very well-the humans would be proud!"

Eridan pauses. He seems a little worried about something. "Uh, how did you use the butter? You're supposed to eat it..."

You immediately try to lick the poor butter off the floor. You cannot believe you abused the poor yellow-blood squishy thing like that.

"It's alright!" you say into the phone. "I've eaten it now!"

A long, exasperated sigh comes from the other end of the room. "Okay, can you... uh... buy something else?"

"Okay."

You name is ERIDAN AMPORA. You just stole all the scarves and now the police are on to you. The worst part is, you've just seen something you absolutely need to buy and you don't have any money on you.

A sapphire engagement ring twinkles in the light of a shop display, and you cannot think of any better way to propose to Equius.

Marriage is a very odd human proposition, but you cannot think of anything more fitting for you and your sweetheart. Because even though you've kind of abused him today, you love him very much and you want to be with him as long as possible.

So, obviously, the best thing to do is run into the store and steal that too. Because come on, how much more money can a rock be worth?

Apparently a lot, because everyone in the entire store screams and looks at you. By the way, have you ever considered that technically you're an alien so they're even more scared of you than they normally would be?

No, you actually haven't considered that. Which shows. You probably could've pulled some "I'm an alien, give me all your sapphire engagement rings or I will kill you" kind of stunt.

But NO.

So now you have about twenty people running after you. Maybe it would be helpful to ask Equius to bring you a disguise? Maybe both of you need one, thinking about it.

"EQUIUS!" you shout into the phone. "ARE YOU THERE?"

"Yes, sir!"

"CAN YOU GET US BOTH DISGUISES? AND THEN MEET ME AT TCC?" (TCC is this really awesome coffee shop.)

"Sure! What kind of disguise do you want?"

"ANYTHING!"

Your name is EQUIUS ZAHHAK, and you know JUST what to get your boyfriend! There's a gorgeous purple velvet suit in the next shop window. He would be so thrilled!

Oh dear. It seems the owners have been warned about you. They're standing there with these things Eridan calls guns. You don't really know what a gun is, but you don't want to be anywhere near one. Eridan said so.

So you quickly grab two items in the store and run off. You hope you got the suit... nope. You got two very pink and very frilly dresses.

Yay. Not.

You think that you might as well get two blond, curly wigs for good measure. Also, you've never seen blond hair before, so you think Eridan would love it.

Your name is ERIDAN AMPORA, and the problem is that there are about a million cops all eating lunch together at TCC. So where are there lots of people around so that the cops won't find you, where's a good place where you can propose to your boyfriend?

Wait, what's this thing here called a Karaoke club? You have no idea. But there's this wonderful sound coming out, and everybody looks so happy, and look at those LIGHTS.

"Meet me at the thing called Karaoke club," you text Equius. He replies with, "You're going to love the disguise I got you!"

You are getting a bit worried.

Your name is EQUIUS ZAHHAK.

You changed into your disguise before entering the club, and now Eridan's looking very horrified.

"You bought the same thing for me?!"

"Yep." You are so proud.

Eridan pauses, and then he laughs and kisses you. "Come on, let's look stupid together."

He changes into his disguise in one of the toilets before dancing with you while some people sing. You've never really danced before, so you just try to not break his hands or step on his feet. Eridan excuses himself after a little while and goes up on the stage.

"This," he says in front of everybody, "is a song for my wonderful matesprit. He is the most incredible troll in the world, and he showed me that not all landdwellers are bad. Flushed for you, Equius!"

You smile as he begins to sing...

You're a falling star, you're the getaway car

You're the line in the sand when I go to far

You're a swimming pool on an August day

And you're the perfect thing to say.

He begins to get into it, and you start dancing along with him.

And you play it coy

But it's kinda cute

And when you smile at me you know exactly

What you do

Baby don't pretend that you don't know it's true

Cause you can see it when I look at you

He winks at you and you laugh a little.

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times

It's you, it's you, you make me sing

You're every line, you're every word,

You're everything.

When the song is over, he looks right into your eyes pulls you onto the stage with him. Everybody looks slightly horrified to see two male teenagers dressed in drag, but neither of you care.

"Equius Zahhak," he says with conviction as he gets down on one knee, "Will you marry me?"

"Uh... What's marry?"

"It's where we dress up and promise to be together forever. And then someone tells us to kiss a bird."

"Okay," you say with a smile. "Sounds like fun."

You give him a crushing hug, and he chokes a little but until you have mercy and let him go.

The cops then arrest you both for dressing like that.