Chapter 14 - Cry With You

I'm not going any place
I just hate to see you like this
No, I can't make it go away
Oh, but keeping it inside won't fix it
I can't give you every answer that you need
But I wanna hear everything you wanna tell me

You're not alone
I'll listen 'til your tears give out
You're safe and sound
I swear that I won't let you down
What's hurting you I, I feel it too
I mean it when I say
When you cry, I Cry With You

-Hunter Hayes, "Cry With You"

The Doctor watches Rose as she sleeps against his chest, his arms still wrapped around her. If he could have his way, he would never let her go. Never let anything bad or dangerous or that could potentially hurt her in any way near her ever again.

He knew it had been bad. He knew she had been through a lot. She had told him this much. But he didn't realize just how sugarcoated everything she had told him was. She had told him most the physical endeavors she was put through, with the obvious, huge exception, but he didn't realize just what she had gone through psychologically. The telepathic link had allowed him to not only experience everything she experienced, but feel everything she felt emotionally and think everything she thought as well.

The loneliness from the months of isolation and constant darkness. The dread and uncertainty as to what was going to happen next. He himself had to suppress a shudder just thinking about it. He felt how much faith she had in him at the beginning and he felt as it slowly diminished and changed to fear that he no longer wanted her.

The Master had forced her to look at him whenever he forced himself on her. He wanted her to be present while all her mental defenses just wanted to retreat inside her and hide. He knew what to do to break a person. And he used all that knowledge on Rose.

At the end, not long before he broke the link, he felt her acceptance with her impending death. She knew it would be an escape from the memories of everything she had been through and from the hallucinations constantly plaguing her mind. He had kept the link going a little longer than necessary. When the Master left her to die, he knew there was nothing more that the monster had done to her. He knew that after that point, there was nothing else he strictly needed to know to figure out what was still wrong with her. He got greedy and curious as to what her thoughts had been when he finally rescued her. He wanted to know that a small part of her might have been relieved to see him. That she hadn't been completely angry with him.

She had heard the TARDIS when he finally found her, but didn't think anything of it, dismissing it as her mind playing tricks on her. Even when he walked through the door, oddly enough in his old form, she didn't believe it. It wasn't until after he had freed her hands and was holding her that the ounce of hope she had left in him had made its way to the surface and allowed her to believe it was him. He saw himself begin to peel away her ankle bindings and felt the immense pain she had felt. He felt like her guttural screams were scratching at his own throat. On top of that, the guilt he felt back then came back and intensified in his stomach in the present.

When the blackness, with intense white spots brought on by the pain of the removal of the bindings, that had overcome Rose's vision had faded, time had passed and his past self was sitting behind her, holding her, too afraid to move her. He remembers saying something to her during that time, but Rose apparently never heard it. She was, however, thinking about him. Wondering why. Just why. Why it had taken him so long, and why he came when she was so close to her own escape. Why she would now have to live with all these memories.

She had never told him that the Master's goal was to cause her to lose faith in him. And she definitely had never told him he had succeeded.

He remembers that Earth saying. Curiosity killed the cat.

That was when he broke the telepathic connection. He was not sure what he was looking for in her mind, but that wasn't it. He could have gone on without ever knowing she would have chosen death over his rescue of her.

As hard as it was for him to fully know everything, it was almost harder to see the way she had reacted in the present to being back inside these memories. He could feel her trying to pull away almost as soon as they started. He knew she just wanted to forget. But he couldn't risk it. He had to know exactly what had happened. As cryptic as the Master was being, he understood that there was something going on the both he and Rose were missing. So as much as Rose wanted to pull away, he couldn't let her. In order to keep the connection he had to concentrate and couldn't speak to her to comfort her, so he pressed his forehead against hers to remind her that he was right there with her, increasing the pressure and rocking it from one side to the other whenever he heard her cry out.

When that hallucination of him had appeared, telling her he no longer wanted her travelling with him and how weak she was, he felt her tense up in the present and start to shake. Her hands gripped onto his jacket so tightly. Like she was afraid he would leave her if she wasn't holding him there. Her grip hadn't relaxed since that moment. He'd have to remember to ensure her that he would never ever think any of those things that had been said and he would never ever leave her. He wanted to be angry or upset with her that she could have believed it was real, but he couldn't blame her. Hallucination-Doctor even terrified and convinced him. He hates himself for whatever he had done, or hadn't done, that would allow her mind to create such a version of him.

The way she collapsed into him once it was over had been too much for him. She is one of the, if not the, strongest women he has ever known. They have been through so much together: living plastic, gasmask children, daleks, regenerations, cybermen, alternate universes. She is his Bad Wolf. To see her so completely broken…

He told himself that he was going to stay strong. For Rose. She would need him to help her through the memories. But when she was crying beyond control, buried in his arms, he could no longer contain himself and couldn't stop his own tears from falling as well. Wiping them away would have meant taking a hand off of Rose, which he isn't planning to do any time soon. So he let them fall.

This is his fault. He was supposed to protect her. He should have stuck with her, instead of suggesting they run in opposite directions, thinking that the Master would choose to pursue him. He should have found her sooner. Or ignored the rules and dangers involved with crossing his own time stream and just gone back to earlier in her captivity in order to save her from most of what she had suffered.

He tries to mold all these regrets into an apology and pour out the words he can't say through this embrace he refuses to loosen. He knows he can never do enough to heal her completely because she was right with the thoughts she was having when he was holding her in her memory. She will always have these memories. She will never be able to forget what that bastard did to her. Sometimes it will affect her life in major ways. Something she sees or hears or something someone else says or does will reopen old wounds. She won't want it to and will try to ignore it, but everything that happened is a part of her now. He can't allow her to ignore it or try to fight away the memories. Even a reopened wound needs to be dealt with before it can properly heal. He knows there are times where he might not be able to help her much, but he hopes that maybe he can slightly ease her pain and get her moving in the right direction.

After what seemed like hours of crying, Rose had finally fallen asleep and her death grip on his tweed had loosened. Good. Her mind needs the break. His, however, is racing. He goes back through everything he has learned, doing his best to only focus on the actual events and not Rose's thoughts and reactions, trying to figure out what the Master might have been referring to, mindlessly stroking Rose's hair as she sleeps against his chest.

The more he thinks, the more he wonders if the Master is sending him on another wild goose chase. Maybe nothing is wrong and he just wants to worry them. Maybe -

That's when it hits him. One word. Said once. A word he had heard so many times it barely registered. But when paired with the other words in the same sentence… And in a human… But if it was going to be a lingering problem, there should have been signs. Or were there? There were. There are.

But before he has a chance to ponder on it further, Rose starts stirring. Then the stirring turns into screaming and full on thrashing.

AN: Kind of a short chapter and I'm sorry about that. This and the next chapter were originally going to be just one, but then it got too long so I decided to break it up. Good news: That means the next chapter is almost ready and is just going through its last stages of editing (and I need another song). Bad news? I'm still traveling and am leaving in the morning to a place that I doubt has WiFi for about two nights. Other good news? I will be doing a lot of music listening so should be able to find a song. I should probably start working on the next next chapter too. I have a feeling you are going to want it quickly after the next one ends. *evil grin*