Anonymous prompt from Tumblr: Angsty fic - post Kate's shooting - about how she survived three months without him and Castle survived without her

Kate startled awake and sat up, sweat moistening her forehead. A dream. It was only a dream. But it was all too real.

She looked over to Castle, standing beside her. A gunshot rang out. She heard Castle yell her name and felt him tackle her. But this time it wasn't her that was shot. No, no, it was much worse than that. She rolled Castle onto the ground and checked his pulse.

"Castle! Castle, stay with me. I... I need you Castle. Please... no.." Kate sobbed as Castle's eyes rolled back. Sirens. All she could hear was sirens. All she wanted to hear was Castle's voice.

It was a dream, Kate told herself. Castle was safe, probably at home. Oh God, she misses his so much. But she wasn't ready to face him yet. She had to fix herself first. All she wanted to do was tell her that she loved him too. But it would have to wait.

Kate laid back down in her bed and wrapped her arms around one of her pillows. She inhaled its scent, wishing with all of her heart that it was Castle's scent she was smelling and his torso she was wrapping her arms around. Tears stung her eyes and she let them fall. Thank God Castle wasn't here to see her so vulnerable.

Dear Kate,

I never knew what it meant to miss someone until now. Words can't even begin to describe how I feel right now. My heart aches for you. I want you to be better so I can see you again. But that's so selfish of me. If I were a good man, I would stay away from you. It's my fault you got shot in the first place. I pushed you into researching your mother's murder. This is my fault and I feel guilty for that, I really do. I know that what's best for you is for me to stay away from you now. And that's exactly what I'll do because you deserve to be happy.

I love you, Always

Rick

Rick leaned back from his laptop and sighed. He pondered whether or not to send the email. He finally pressed the button. A window popped up on his screen that read "Email saved to drafts". Castle clicked on the "Drafts" folder and scrolled through the dozens of emails he had written to Kate but could never bring himself to send.

He shut his laptop with a sigh and strode over to his liquor cabinet. Tears forming in his eyes, he drank until the pain went away.