--- Disturbance, Book 2: Divergence ---

Chapter D12 - Remember

Disclaimer: The fun about this sentence is that by the time you realise it doesn't say anything, it's too late to stop reading it. Also: See first chapter.

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-Sensation washes over me, I can't describe it-
-Pain I felt so long ago, I don't remember-

As Kaen strode purposefully onto the bridge of the Icebreaker, a tense silence fell over the extended family within. Most were surprised to see him up and about so quickly after what happened. However, it was the look on his face, torn between vengeful and furious, that froze their jaws; well, all bar one. Gathering her nerve, Kat asked, "Kaen? Are you all right?"

He didn't respond, however, walking in a straight line towards Kellre. It became obvious that no, he was not all right when, in his straight-line path, he actually walked through a computer console. His stare never having left the older man from the moment he came into the room, Kaen stopped walking about a foot away from him, declaring in a tone that brokered no argument, "Alright old man, I need some answers."

Kellre nodded, having expected this from the moment Pi brought him on board, if not before that. "Very well then," he replied, "Come, let's talk." He started walking off towards the training room, and while he couldn't hear the younger man's footsteps, as technically he didn't have any, he didn't need his ki sense to know he'd be following close behind all the way.

As the two walked away, Truniz commented, "If the runt's acting like this, I better go check on Pi," before walking out to make sure his niece was all right.

-Tear a hole so I can see my devastation-
-Feelings from so long ago, I don't remember-

No sooner had the reinforced steel bulkhead sealed in place than Kaen's tail began lashing about, as he growled, "Okay, spill it; what the hell did you do to her?"

"What do you mean?" Kellre, as if to spite his younger associate, remained calm and collected.

Kaen scrubbed a hand through his hair; in his astral form, he could affect himself as normal. "Pi isn't herself any more! She's changed; you must have done something!"

"Calm down."

A flaming red aura burst into life around him. "Don't fucking tell me to calm down!"

"Calm down boy, or I will make you regret it, physical form or no." Despite the dangerous and unstable look in Kaen's eyes, Kellre still remained calm.

Kaen twitched, and for a moment Kellre thought he'd have to make good on his threat, but instead Kaen took a few deep breaths, the aura fading out again, as he forced himself to calm down again. It was times like this that Kaen's elemental alignment was never more obvious, but the true question was, would he still have been this hot-headed otherwise, and, if so, is that why he was aligned as such. "Fine," the younger Saiyan said finally, "I'm calm now."

Nodding, Kellre started to explain, "Pi is the same girl she always was."

"Bullshit!" Kaen barked, "She told me herself that she wasn't!"

-Holding on, to let them know-
-What's given to me, given to me-

"Not true," Kellre countered, "She told you that what you believed about her was wrong, but in the end, that belief doesn't fundamentally change who she is, just how you perceive her."

"Stop talking in riddles!" Kaen growled, holding a hand to his forehead, "This shit's giving me a headache already, and you've barely started."

Kellre cracked a grin. "Sit down Kapskaen, this will be a long story."

"Sit down?" Kaen replied, cocking one eyebrow, "I have no physical form. My state of being is relative." As if to prove his point, he crossed his legs. In midair.

Ignoring the younger man's antics, Kellre began his lecture. "As you know, Saiyans are a primal race. Our animal rage is on a barely tethered leash." He paused. "Some more so than others." This was a clear dig at Kaen's hair-trigger. "We brought about the destruction of the Tuffles, and countless other worlds on a whim, for nothing more than a few trinkets of knowledge; space travel, and the like. And over time we became sophisticated; or, at least, that's what we tell ourselves."

Kaen raised an eyebrow in confusing, still floating in the air. "What the hell are you talking about?"

-To hide behind the mask this time-
-And try to believe-

"In truth," Kellre continued, "The Saiyan race stopped evolving a long time ago, reaching our evolutionary dead end, so to speak. But instead of our bloodline souring, and our race beginning to diminish, we remained strong, but in the end, all Saiyans were primal, more animal than not. Make no mistake, Saiyans are smart, and we learnt to change ourselves. Some time after the extinction of the Tuffles, and after the Golden Oozaru destroyed itself and planet Saiya, we realised somehow that our primal force would destroy us as certainly as evolutionary impotence would kill other races, so we began to change; if we couldn't evolve at the collective level, we would evolve at the individual level. Saiyans began to dance a masquerade of society, drawing on what we had learnt from other successful societies."

"So the Saiyan race are still animals?" Kaen paraphrased.

Kellre waved his hand absently. "Something like that. When you were taught the basic necessities of life, you were told that Saiyans feel things in extremes; that our blood howls for freedom of self, but such a thing would kill us. That is why, at the same time, we are taught that such things are dangerous, and that is why we Saiyans wear masks, to hide ourselves from our true self."

"We're lying to ourselves?" Kaen questioned sceptically. "We're a proud warrior race; we aren't monsters."

"Are you sure?" Kellre replied cryptically. "Does not the light of the moon turn us into nigh-uncontrollable beasts? Do we not lust for conflict? Some say the Oozaru form is our true self, and the human face we show others our true masquerade. That is what our masks hide Kaen, the beast behind the face. Some masks can be as complicated as a woven tapestry," there was little doubt he was referring to Pi, "While some are the barest veils of our true selves, like... Vegeta." The pause indicated Kaen was clearly included in the latter group.

"You act as though we were demons hiding in human skin," Kaen commented.

"Perhaps we are, in some way," Kellre replied wistfully.

-Blind your eyes to what you see, you can't embrace it-
-Leave it well enough alone and don't remember-

"What do you think they're talking about?" Kat asked, breaking the uncomfortable silence that had fallen over those assembled.

The adults shared a quick glance, before April replied, "Kat, why don't you go see how Pi's holding up?"

The young redhead understood the hidden implications behind that statement; they knew exactly what Kaen and Kellre were talking about, but weren't going to discuss it while she was around to hear it. Rather than calling them up on it, however, she rationalized it that technically, they weren't her family, and if it really concerned her, they'd tell her. This in mind, she nodded, chirping, "Okay then," and walking off without an argument.

When they were sure the coast was clear, April took a moment to glance at both Raene and Avarrdo, before asking, "How much do you think he'll tell Kaen?"

"As much as he needs to, and as little as he can," Raene replied, proving to have quite a knack for her mate's trademark double-speak.

"And if that is too much?" The worried mother added.

Avarrdo shrugged, "With his power, there's not all that much we can do either way. If it does prove too much, one way or another, it will soon cease to be our problem."

-Cut your pride and watch it bleed, you can't deny it-
-Pain you know you can't ignore, I don't remember-

Taking a breath, Kellre continued, "What you saw today was perhaps the closest reflection of Pi's true self. Tell me, when she revealed to you the depths of her devotion, that she was only for you, and that she would be forever with you, what did you feel?"

"Anger," Kaen spat instantly, before adding more slowly, "And... revulsion."

The anger needed no explaining; Kellre would have been surprised if Kaen didn't feel angry. Smiling slightly, Kellre questioned, "Revulsion, because it aroused you so, did it not? Her pure and utter dedication to you, until the end of your days."

Kaen's voice was hoarse as he whispered, "...Yes."

"And she means it," Kellre continued on, as if he fully expected Kaen's answer and didn't judge him for it, "She will never abandon you. She will always be there, by your side, to push you ever forward in your quest to be stronger."

"Which brings things back to my original question," Kaen interjected, his voice regaining much of it's heat, "That you did this to her... to us!"

The older man shook his head, asking, "Does it matter?"

Kaen felt the fire returning to his blood. "Of course it does!"

"Why?" Kellre probed, "Do you believe she doesn't love you?"

-Holding on, to let them know-
-What's given to me, given to me-

"No," Kaen replied immediately, "I have no doubts that she loves me; she's proven that well enough. No, what I'm starting to have doubts about is whether her love for me is natural, or whether it was manufactured by a manipulative outside force."

"You believe I brain-washed her into loving you?" Kellre questioned, a touch of incredulity creeping into his voice. "I'm flattered that you think I could, but horrified that you think I would. This is my daughter we're talking about, never forget that."

"Don't try the moral high-ground with me," Kaen barked, "I know your type well enough."

"That may be true," Kellre countered, "But that doesn't change the simple fact that you are lying to yourself Kapskaen, and you know it. You know exactly why she is the way she is, and why she feels the way she does; you've seen the proof before you a dozen times over.

Kaen shook his head vigorously, as if trying to shake a memory loose, or vehemently deny a statement. After taking a second to compose himself, he replied, "What... What do you mean?"

-To hide behind the mask this time-
-And try to believe-

"Hey sis, how're you holding up?"

Pi smiled to herself, extracting herself from her uncle's embrace. Throughout her childhood her parents had always given her the comfort and support any child ever needed, but the benefit of having an uncle was getting spoiled rotten, and far be it from Truniz to stint his favourite niece on anything she ever wanted. Stretching her arms, she replied finally, "I'm fine, don't worry. I'm very relieved that Kaen's gonna be alright now."

"Speaking of Kaen, what's up with you and him anyway?" the young redhead asked. "I mean, he stormed onto the bridge with the veritable thundercloud over his head, demanding answers from Kellre. Did you two have a fight or something?"

"Or something," Pi replied, a wry grin on her face. "You know that big issue we had a while back about trust and secrets?" When Kat nodded, she continued, "Well, I've been keeping a secret from him that he just found out about."

"What was it about?" When Kat received no answer to this question, she put two and two together, realising that this would be the same thing the others didn't want her to hear. Seeing as how she wasn't going to get an answer from Pi either, she asked instead, "How big a secret are we talking here?"

-If I can remember-
-To know this will conquer me-

"Life changing." Smiling helplessly, Pi added, "I don't even remember the depths of this particular secret myself; that's most likely why Kaen sought out my father."

"So how long have you had this secret?"

Pi shrugged, "So long I can't remember not having it."

"Oh." It seemed this particular issue was very serious. Wrapping an arm around her adopted sister's shoulders, Kat asked, "Are you sure you're gonna be alright?"

This time, Pi shook her head. "I'm... afraid," she replied reluctantly, "I'm afraid that once Kaen knows the truth, he'll hate me."

"He could never hate you; he loves you," Kat commented soothingly, "The bond you share with him proves that."

Pi just shook her head again. "Just because you love someone, doesn't mean you like them."

-If I can just walk alone-
-And try to escape into me-

"As I said before," Kellre lectured, "Saiyans are beasts beneath the guise of civility. Perhaps the most intricate mask I have ever seen belongs to Kakarott."

"Kakarott?" Kaen parroted incredulously, "He lost his programming when he hit his head as a kid. He doesn't have a 'mask'; he's too stupid!"

"Is he?" Kellre asked seriously, "Name me a moment when he appeared so, and I will give you proof otherwise. Such as his loss to Pi in the tournament. No Saiyan, not even him, would turn his attention from a fight for the prospect of a meal; no, he did that to spite Vegeta. Their battles have always been about the Prince's pride, and Kakarott knows exactly how to do that, without other's knowing it."

"So he's an idiot savant then," Kaen shrugged.

"Maybe," Kellre yielded, before countering with, "Or maybe his mask is so intricately woven, that even he can no longer truly tell where it begins, or where it ends." This statement was obviously given both to explain Goku's attitude, as well as to give a brief explanation about Pi.

Kaen shrugged again, "I think you're looking into this way too deep."

"Then let me explain," Kellre commented. "When he struck his head, his desire to fight was overridden by his need to survive. Once his survival had been assured, then he began to search for strength. To this end, he became 'Number One Under Heaven', proving himself the strongest, and once he had, he sought himself a powerful mate, to have strong children. Who on this backwater planet was strong enough to take that place?"

"Chichi..." Kaen replied slowly; as much as he hated to admit it, Goku's tale was sounding very 'Saiyan'.

"Exactly," Kellre agreed. "Saiyans mate and produce other Saiyans, and Gohan is as much as Saiyan as any of us; his mask is just far more complex, because he was raised with a different set of values. A lion, regardless of whether it was born in a cage or born in the wild, is still a lion; he may be trained, and he may be tame, but he is still just as deadly."

-(Sensation washes over me, I can't describe it)-
-(Pain I felt so long ago, I don't remember)-

"How do you think the talk's going?" April asked semi-rhetorically.

"Kellre's in control, for now," Raene replied.

"For now?"

"This is our son we are talking about," Avarrdo explained. "He is, at the best of times, a little... unstable."

After another moment of silence, April commented quietly, "It's not a nice feeling, the thought that one of your children may want you dead."

Avarrdo sighed, drawing her into a hug. "No, it's not."

-I'm just holding on, to let them know-
-What's given to me, given to me-

"Don't you see it yet boy?" Kellre asked. "We are animals, yes, but we are the most powerful animal in existence; we have just learnt to keep ourselves in check through necessity of survival."

"That's all well and good, but answer me this," Kaen demanded, "Did you to something to us? To Pi and I? You once told me you were charged with the task of finding out if the Super Saiyan legends were true; was this some kind of twisted experiment?" Before the older man could answer, Kaen went on, "It makes perfect sense; you and my father were clearly in on it together. Korin was obviously the first test, to see if a single Saiyan could attain ascension, but when that didn't work you tested what affect the lifemate bond had. Oran and Lime are clearly the third test, replacing the bond of lovers with the bond of siblings; it explains why they are so much like Pi and I, even when they grew up without us around."

"Are you done?" Kellre commented dryly. "Assuming for a minute that your conspiracy theory bears even a shred of truth, I ask you this: does it really matter?"

"Yes!" Kaen shouted, "I need to know my life belongs to me!"

Kellre grinned wryly, "So this was never about Pi, was it?"

Kaen flinched at his slip-up, before amending, "I never claimed this wasn't about myself as much as it was her."

The older Saiyan nodded his acceptance of this correction. "Your life does belong to you Kaen. Destiny is not a thing anyone can control, not even the Kaioshin. We are all simply witnesses to destiny, and in the end, you must try to find the happiness in your own life, regardless of the cost."

"And if the cost is too high?"

"Such as your pride?" When Kaen made no reply, Kellre placed a hand on his shoulder, quite a remarkable feat considering Kaen had no solid form, before adding, "Even if she was the one that chose you, and not you her, would that make you any less happy? Does that make those memories less meaningful?"

The flame-haired Saiyan sighed, replying almost imperceptibly, "No..."

-To hide behind the mask this time-
-And try to believe-

Kellre nodded, satisfied that his point had gotten through, before noticing something about Kaen's posture, something he had to comment on, "You are still holding something back, aren't you?" When Kaen nodded, he prodded, "What is the problem?"

"I don't deserve her," Kaen muttered quietly.

That was quite possibly the last thing Kellre ever expected to hear come out of Kaen's mouth, and for the first time since this conversation began, he was truly surprised. Nevertheless, he remained calm as he asked, "Why do you say that Kaen?"

"I gave up on her," he replied, still in the same quiet, defeated tone. "As you yourself have said, Pi will never give up on me, but when I was almost killed during that mission, I gave up on her. I turned my back on her, and my family, and became Phoenix."

When Kaen fell silent, Kellre felt he had to keep this conversation going; if this was the first time Kaen was expressing these feelings, if he couldn't continue now, he probably never would. Smiling reassuringly, he said, "Go on."

-If I can remember-
-To know this will conquer me-

Kaen sighed, before continuing, "For four years, I carried on my life, believing I was content to live without her, but in truth merely existing, surviving. Then she wormed her way back into my life, but by then, in a way it was already too late."

"What do you mean?" Fortunately, Kellre had enough psychoanalytical knowledge to play psychiatrist to the troubled Saiyan.

"When I suffered my breakdown," Kaen didn't question that Kellre already knew about that, either from talking to Pi, watching the security tapes, or just by way of being the all-seeing, all-knowing Kellre, "I told Pi that the boy she met back on Vegeta-Sei was dead, and I spoke the truth. I lost who I was the day I received my concussion-induced memory loss, and had rebuilt myself. When my psyche was shattered, I was forced to rebuild again." He smiled sadly, "But this time, I had an anchor."

"Pi." It was not a question; Kellre finally understood where Kaen was going with this.

He nodded. "When I rebuilt myself the second time, I did so using the, for lack of a better term, template of me that Pi had in her memories. For my entire life, she has been the most stable thing in my world; pun aside, she is my rock. In a very real sense, she is the keystone of my world." His voice grew a little weaker as he continued, "If all of that was a lie, if that keystone is removed... I'm... afraid of losing myself again, afraid that all I've built up will come crumbling down again..." He voice became hollow as he mentioned, "I don't want to be like him again..."

-If I can just walk alone-
-And try to escape into me-

Placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder again, he forced the younger fighter to look him in the eye, saying, "Life is filled with uncertainty Kapskaen, you of all people know that. All I can tell you is that Pi is as Pi always was, and hope that together, the two of you will have the strength to get past this, but for the time being you are exhausted, mentally as well as physically. Rest Kaen, all will be clearer soon; for now, we must see if we can live for another day, before we can worry over what may happen then."

"I wish I could," Kaen commented, scrubbing a hand through his hair again, "But I've got to help Gohan save the universe."

"What do you mean?" Kellre asked, curious, "He's not dead?"

Kaen sighed; he felt like he'd been doing that entirely too much recently. "Apparently Shin decided to abduct him for some special training, and gave him a sword that supposedly will give him the power he needs to defeat Buu. However, young Gohan barely knows the pointy end of the sword from the blunt end unfortunately."

Kellre smiled, "Perhaps I can be of some assistance then. Where is he?"

"Hell," Kaen replied bluntly, "Kibito 'ported him there to deal with a recent... problem, that cropped up. So unless you've got a way to astral project, or teleport between dimensions, then..." He trailed off at the grin on the older Saiyan's face. "Of course you do," he muttered sourly, "You're the all-singing, all-dancing, wonder Saiyan Kellre." He sighed again. "In any case, I need to tell Pi that I'm going to be out for a bit."

"Very well," Kellre nodded, "How do you plan on travelling to Hell?"

"My sword," Kaen shrugged, "It's currently down there, and I can still sense it's unique energy signature, so I can follow that." Kellre didn't question just why Kaen's sword was down in Hell, he simply accepted it, and thus, with their conversation over, Kaen calmly walked out of the training room to see his mate.

-Into me-

As he walked into the regeneration room, Kaen noticed that the group attending his tank had grown from one to three. Truniz was the first to notice his arrival, calmly getting up and walking towards him without the girls noticing, asking quietly as he passed, "You get the answers you needed runt?"

Kaen smiled wanly, "And the questions that came with them." As the girls looked up at him at the sound of his voice, Kaen asked, "Hey sis, can you give me and Pi a moment alone?"

She smiled up at him. She may not have understood the full situation, but she would lend her support where needed. "Sure bro, no prob."

When the two were alone, there was a moment of uncomfortable silence, before Pi started, "Kaen, are we..."

He smiled at her as reassuringly as he could, despite the doubts still lingering in his mind, replying, "I'm sure we're going to be fine. I just need a little while to wrap my head around everything, so I'm going to go get some advice from the one person I know will be brutally honest with me."

"Who?"

Kaen smiled, as he began fading out. "My brother."

-Into me!-

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Author's notes:

My beta has many theories about DBZ, and I should really make him write his own damn DBZ fic instead of feeding it through mine. In case it's not obvious, much of this chapter was one of them.