The next morning Dean woke up disoriented with the soft sound of music playing from somewhere nearby. He was lying on a couch and someone had thrown a blanket over him. He rubbed his eyes and shook his head, looking to find the source of the music. Now he understood why Castiel's loft had a large unused space, it wasn't wasted at all. He had his own small dance floor.
Now that he looked closer he could see that on one wall were a couple of mirrors and in the corner a chair and small stereo. The lighting in the apartment and on the dance floor was dim, just a small lamp casting a warm glow and deep shadows over the space. In the quiet calm of the early morning din, Castiel was dancing.
Dean lay as still as he could, not wanting to disturb his friend. He recognized the music again. Yeah, Cas had great taste. This time it was the Beatles' Blackbird. Today's dance was much more relaxed than the one he had witnessed before. This dance was lighter, but still expressive. He could read both melancholy and hope in this dance.
Dean watched the long lines of Castiel's arms as he stretched his finely toned muscles over his bared back. He was perfection. The soft light shaded Castiel's face so that Dean couldn't make out his expression. He noticed, with fascination, that Castiel had a tattoo on his side, just above his right hip. It was small and simple, but he couldn't make out what the image was.
Dean watched, transfixed, as Castiel turned his body into artwork. He spun around in a smooth pirouette into an arabesque, arms outstretched and one leg extended high behind him, then immediately tucked town into a roll to splay across the floor, arching his back and stretching his limbs to the music. It was hypnotizing to behold.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly.
All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arrive.
Dean smiled as he thought he understood the meaning of the music and the dance. Castiel, the angel, grounded but with the promise of flying again. The thought made him hopeful. He wanted Cas to be able to fly again. He could tell how much he missed it and wanted to see this man happy.
When the music died down, he applauded and stood up to walk over towards Cas, "That's awesome."
Cas grabbed his towel and wiped himself down, blushing and silently thanking God that it was too dark in the room for Dean to see his flushed face clearly. "Thank you, but really, I was just playing around. It was more exercise than anything else."
"Well, it looked awesome to me. You've seen what a mess I am at dancing. I think poor Charlie is ready to give up on me."
Cas let out a small chuckle. "No, Dean, believe me, I have seen much worse. It will come. You just need to relax and trust that you can lead a dance. Here let me show you."
Cas moved to Dean's side, standing next to him, their shoulders just a few inches apart. "OK, bend your right knee and feel the stretch of your left leg through your hip. Now slowly straighten your right leg as you roll your hip and bend your left knee." Dean looked skeptical but followed the instructions. "Not, bad but still a little stiff. Now, continue repeating that pattern and give your hips a slight twist each time, kind of like a figure eight."
Dean felt silly, but tried to follow Castiel's instructions. "Cas, I think I am too old and stiff for this, especially first thing in the morning."
"Nonsense, the exercise and stretching are good for you. Here, do you mind?" Castiel stood behind Dean with his hands hovering over the man's hips. Dean thought this was one of the stranger things he had ever done, but nodded his assent. Castiel brought his hands down to cover Dean's hips and gently pulled them back and forth, twisting them in the pattern he had described.
Dean swallowed thickly and closed his eyes when he felt those hands on his hips. He sensed the heat from them seeping through the thin cotton of his t-shirt. Felt the gentle push and pull of those hands, rhythmic and hypnotic. As the two men rocked together, the song changed to REO Speedwagon's I Can't Fight this Feeling. Even with Cas standing back a step, Dean felt as though he could feel the heat from the other man's body radiating along his entire back. He let himself be led and swayed with the music.
I can't fight this feeling any longer,
And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow
What started out as friendship has grown stronger,
I only wish I had the strength to let it show
Dean listened to the music and words of the song and smiled to himself that they were hitting just a little too close to home for his current situation. God, how did he get himself into this?
"That's good, Dean." Castiel's voice came from behind him, low and raw. Fuck, but he wanted to hear those exact words from Cas' mouth in a little different scenario. Damn, he was going to have to clear these thoughts from his head before the evidence of his fantasies started showing through his jeans.
I tell myself that I can't hold out forever,
I said there is no reason for my fear
'Cause I feel so secure when we're together,
You give my life direction, you make everything so clear
"Good, now that you are feeling the music, I am going to be Charlie. Let me see you lead." Castiel removed his hands from Dean's hips and moved around to take dance position in front of him, putting his left hand on Dean's bicep and right hand into Dean's left. Dean couldn't believe he was doing this, dancing with another man. It felt surreal. How was this his life?
Dean's eyes drifted down the body of the man in his arms. His bare chest was toned and glistening with a thin layer of sweat. His sweatpants hung low on his hips exposing sharp hips and the top of a perfect V that his fingers itched to trace. Just under his navel, Dean could see where a thin trail of dark hair began. He took in the sight as the man's hips rocked with his in a way that was almost obscene. This was seriously one of the hottest things that had ever happened to him and here he was, unable to act on it.
And even as I wander, I'm keeping you in sight
You're a candle in the wind on a cold, dark winter's night
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might
"OK, now quick, quick, slow," Castiel instructed as they began moving together. Dean couldn't believe it, he was actually getting it right. This felt right, the dance was smooth and sexy and Castiel fit perfectly in front of him. He was actually enjoying this. It would be so easy to close the gap between them and kiss those amazing lips that were softly whispering the timing of the music. No, he needed to stop thinking like that.
"Well done, Dean. You've got it." Dean looked at the man in front of him, smiling encouragingly. From this close Dean was mesmerized by the cerulean blue of those eyes, dark now in the dim lighting. His dark hair was in disarray, flattened down against his forehead with sweat, framing his smiling face. Dean didn't think he had ever seen anyone so beautiful.
Dean closed his eyes for a moment and let himself get lost in his fantasy. He could pretend that Cas was in his arms, bodies moving as one because they belonged together and not just as a teacher. God, he wanted Cas that way. He couldn't remember the last time someone had made him feel so comfortable. The way they talked and the way that Cas just got him and understood what he needed. And even last night, when he felt a panic attack coming on, Cas' solid calm had brought him back down. He wanted to stay like this with Cas, wanted the song to never end, and to keep this man in his arms forever.
'Cause I can't fight this feeling any more
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
And if I had to crawl upon the floor
Come crashing through your door
Baby, I can't fight this feeling any more.
As the song came to a close, Castiel let go of Dean's hand and arm and Dean immediately felt empty with the loss of the touch. "Thanks, man, now maybe I won't make such a fool of myself at the wedding."
"I'm sure you will do splendidly," Castiel assured Dean.
An awkward silence began to fall between them until Dean cleared his throat. "How 'bout some breakfast? You got some eggs and bacon? I'm actually a pretty good cook if you want me to make us something."
"I believe I have everything you would need to make breakfast, and I'd love to try your cooking. Would you mind if I took a moment to get cleaned up? I've also left a towel and spare toothbrush out for you in the washroom if you would like to freshen up."
"Woah, Cas," Dean grinned, "you have that many people staying overnight that you keep a stash of toothbrushes?"
"Hardly," groaned Castiel with an eye roll. "Pamela buys them so that she will have one for when she falls asleep here."
And there it is again, that reminder that Cas was with Pamela. Maybe it was a good thing to keep reminding himself to keep his distance.
Castiel went to take a shower while Dean washed his face and brushed his teeth then went to raid the kitchen. Pretty soon the smell of bacon was filling the apartment. When Castiel came back into the kitchen, Dean was surprised to see him in belted dark blue jeans, a white dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up and a black vest. Damn, he looked sexy.
"Going somewhere special?" Dean inquired as he scooped eggs and three bacon slices onto a plate that he handed to Castiel.
"Thank you," Castiel smiled as he took the plate and sat on a stool under the kitchen's small island. "I try to attend church services on Sunday mornings."
"Church goer, huh? Yeah, not a believer myself." Dean piled several slices of bacon on his own plate and shoved another into his mouth and plopped down in the stool next to Castiel.
"You have no faith in a higher power?" Castiel did that head tilt thing and looked at Dean as though he were trying to see inside of him.
"Listen, if there's anyone up there he either has a really sick sense of humor or he just doesn't care."
"I see. I have found the opposite to be true. I grew up with my mother's faith and it has gotten me through many difficult times. I find a comfort and serenity that comes from believing that there is a reason why things happen. There have been times when I questioned and doubted but I believe that is part of being human. I always come back to my faith, though."
"Well, you are welcome to it. If there's a God and I ever meet him, I am going to have a few choice words to say."
Castiel smiled as he bit off some bacon. "Even with my beliefs, I believe I will have a fair amount of questions for Him as well. It is impossible for us to understand why bad things happen. To me it comes down to free will. Much of human suffering is caused by poor human decisions, something that is a by-product of free will. If we truly want utopia and peace, I believe it would require us to give up our freedom."
"Yeah, I suppose. But that doesn't excuse shit like cancer that killed my mother and destroyed my father." Dean was getting frustrated and shoveling his food faster.
"That is certainly one of the big questions. It's something that I don't understand but I continue to seek Him regardless."
"Yeah, my mom always said angels were watching over me but it doesn't seem to have done me any good yet."
Dance with me, let me put my arms around you
Step into the sound, close your eyes, you will see
Dance with me, I don't have an explanation
I only want to feel part of you next to me
~Dance With Me – Air Supply