Tegan Chronicles STV Style 3:

What's Left of the Flag 27

"Who is it?" Tegan called from inside her quarters when she heard the door chime.

"Tuvok."

"I'm not in at the moment, please leave a message and I'll get back to you."

"Lieutenant Kiser—"

"Oh, so I'm Lieutenant Kiser now." She continued to sit there staring at the gleaming metal blade of the dagger she had brought back from her office in sickbay. The doctor had held on to the two daggers once he had removed them from her legs after she had been tortured. She had picked up the larger of the two after he discharged her and returned to her quarters. She certainly wasn't going to Janeway's quarters. The captain was mad enough at her and she didn't need a lecture from Kathryn too.

"We need to talk." He picked up where she had cut him off.

"I'm not in the mood Tuvok."

"I am coming in."

"I'm naked." She shot back with a grin as she imagined his brow climbing the expanse of his forehead at the thought.

"Then I suggest you get dressed Lieutenant."

"Is that an order Commander?"

"I can make it one."

She spun the dagger on the table top before grabbing the hilt and weighing it in her hand. She felt the sudden urge to bury it deep in her leg as her fingers curled tighter around it. She knew she couldn't do it. Not that she was scared to, she wasn't afraid of the pain and that was what really frightened her.

She got up and walked to her night table, hiding it from view as if she was a teenager hiding a dildo from her parents. She slid the drawer closed and straightened up moving back to the table she spoke, "Come in."

"Thank you." Tuvok stepped through the open hatchway and into her quarters.

"I assume there's a reason you're here." She watched his eyes travel over her, taking inventory.

"I came to talk to you."

"And I suppose you are the ship's shrink now?" You should be nicer. He's trying to help you. Offer him a seat. She shook her head, she wasn't in the mood to play hostess.

"Do you wish to hurt yourself?"

Yes. She studied him for a long moment, even knowing what the slightest hesitation insinuated, before she answered in the negative. "Of course not."

"Your actions speak to the contrary."

"I was surfing, having fun."

"You turned off the safeties and then—"

"I don't need the lecture." Her voice plunged deep in her chest. The door chimed again. "Who is it?"

"Janeway."

"I'm a little busy at the moment." Tegan watched Tuvok's expression with fascination. She had seen the slightest change in that Vulcan mask. "What? I always talk to the captain like that."

"This isn't a social call." Janeway spoke through the bulkhead.

"No ma'am, I didn't think it was. Come in." She sighed and pasted on a smile. "Join the party. Maybe you two can have a mini-conference and then just give me one lecture regarding my most recent stupidity."

"You are mistaken. I did not come to lecture you." Tuvok offered. "I will leave you, Captain, Doctor."

"Tuvok." Janeway waited until the doors slid shut. "Stupidity is damn right."

"Would you like a seat?" Tegan offered already knowing the answer as she slipped nonchalantly onto the bench against the wall. They were, after all, her quarters.

"No." She paced in front of her and pinched the bridge of her nose.

Tegan wanted to tell her it was a one-time event just to get out of the ensuing dressing-down. She grinned lightly at the thought. You can't lie to her and not just because she'll know it's a lie. She picked the wrong time to grin.

"You think this is funny?"

"Not at all." Tegan cleared her throat. "I already said it was stupid. You've taken away my holodeck privileges indefinitely. Do you want to take your pound of flesh too?"

"This isn't something I can take lightly." You should understand that. She took a deep breath. "It's a matter of life and death—your life."

"The horse is already dead, but go on and keep beating it." She ran her biomechanical hand along her thigh feeling for the still bruised muscle from being tossed and tumbled into the reef. When she found it she dug her thumb deep into it as if she was trying to pop a small concealed bubble of air.

She watched Tegan for a moment before conceding. "You're right. I already mentioned it and you've technically been reprimanded." She let out a short burst of air as she slipped into the chair across from her. "Damn it Tegan, I care about you too much to let something happen to you because you were arrogant enough to turn the safeties off on the holodeck, and it's not just this one time either."

So she knows. Why am I not surprised? She looked across the table at the concerned steel blue eyes which studied her face. She could handle feeling the physical pain but she couldn't handle the emotional storm brewing in those eyes. "Can we not talk about this? I've already gotten the Janeway lecture."

"I don't want to lecture you." She shook her head hoping to change the subject and feeling self-conscious for even bringing it up. "You didn't come by my quarters when the doctor released you."

"You were on the Bridge."

"You have access to my quarters."

Tegan pressed her thumb deeper until she could inhale the pain sharply. Delicious. "I do." She blew out. "But just like now, I didn't want you to lecture me."

"So you hid?"

"This isn't exactly hiding." Tegan looked around the room.

"What did the doctor say?"

"He said I would live if you didn't kill me for being such an idiot; or something like that."

Kathryn smiled. "It did cross my mind."

"But?"

I love you too much to intentionally hurt you. "Starfleet tends to frown on that kind of thing."

"I suppose this is going on my record?"

Janeway reached out and touched her forearm. She was still thinking of an answer when Tegan spoke again.

"Why did you let him go?"

Is that what all of this is about? "I thought you were ok with that?"

"I was."

"Was?" She pulled her hand back breaking the contact. "Past tense?"

"I am." She shook her head. "Forget it. I would have done the same."

"You would have?"

Her mechanical hand balled into a fist at her thigh. 'First do no harm.' "Yes."

"Would you talk to me?" Please.

"I am talking to you." Tegan knew what she meant but it was too hard. She wanted to tell her but she didn't even know herself what was happening, even though she had her suspicions.

"No you're not. You're answering questions, there's a difference."

Tegan scrubbed her hand over her face and moved from the bench to stand in front of the viewport. She could feel Kathryn's eyes on her. She turned even though she would rather stare out the window until Kathryn either closed the expanse between them or gave up and left. "I'm ok, really."

"No." Kathryn shook her head. "You might think you are, but you aren't. If you were ok you wouldn't be cutting the safeties off."

Tegan grinned. "I'm an adrenalin junkie, what can I say?"

"If you had turned them off and left the program at its default I'd accept that, but you didn't."

She tried to suck all the oxygen out of the room. "I thought you weren't going to lecture me?"

"I'm not." Kathryn stood up. "You know where to find me if you need me."

"I do need you." Her voice fell on the carpet at her feet where it shattered. The doors to her quarters had already closed after Kathryn's exit. She quickly walked over and pulled out the dagger.