Tegan Chronicles STV Style 3:
What's Left of the Flag 32
Tegan stood there bouncing her weight from foot to foot, hoping the doors wouldn't open. She swallowed when she heard the gravely alto "come in" seconds before the doors slid open.
"Are you ok?" Kathryn stood and laid her open book face down on the chaise. "It's 0200 hours."
Her head swam. Maybe she wasn't ready to do this. You're here. It's now or never.
I vote never. She shook her head to clear it and as Kathryn sat down on the couch she blurted out; "We need to talk."
Kathryn's stomach clenched and it felt cold.
"It's not that." Tegan was keenly aware of the shift in emotion. She walked over and joined Kathryn on the couch. "It's," she took Kathryn's hand in hers. "There's something wrong," she paused and looked away, "with me."
"There's nothing wrong with you." Kathryn squeezed her hand.
"There is." She suddenly found the carpet in the captain's quarters the most fascinating thing in the galaxy and began to study it intently.
"Why would you say that?"
Tegan slowly pulled her eyes up to meet the concerned slate blue irises that stared at her. "Safety protocols, sparring with Seven, some other things."
"What other things?" Kathryn stiffened slightly.
Tegan moved her gaze to the edge of her face.
"You've been intentionally hurting yourself?"
"Yes," Tegan whispered.
"Why?" Kathryn's voice caught in her throat. "Are you trying to kill yourself?"
"No." Tegan's eyes jumped back to hers. She blinked. "Do you remember what Jurroth said after he ran the torch over his hand?"
"He said a lot of things."
"He burned his hand and said 'delicious' then he said that I would understand if I survived."
"I don't understand." Kathryn searched the shifting greens of her eyes for an answer. "Are you saying it's his fault?"
"Honestly I don't know." You have to tell her. "I tend to have a small self-destructive pattern at times."
"Like not eating?"
Tegan shrugged evasively. "Sometimes I'm just too busy to eat or I honestly forget."
Kathryn nodded. "Do you want to hurt yourself now?"
"No."
"When was the last time you wanted to?"
"The night before last when Seven and I sparred." Tegan licked her lip.
"That's why you wouldn't let the doctor treat your wounds?"
"Yes." Tegan shifted her position and pulled her hand out of Kathryn's. "But there's more. After I left here I went back to my quarters and," she paused and adjusted her uniform jacket; "I took one of the daggers Jurroth stabbed me with and while Tuvok and I were talking I stuck it in my leg. I wasn't even aware I did it." Her chest felt so tight it was hard to breathe, she was drowning. She stood up. "I have to go."
"No." Kathryn's voice commanded. "You don't get to tell me this and then leave."
"You don't understand." Tegan moved away as she tried to escape Kathryn's storm of emotion.
"What I don't understand is how Tuvok and I assume the doctor know about this and neither one informed me. I am the captain." She took a deep breath. "The doctor has a duty to report these things to me. You have a duty as a doctor to report these things to me."
"Not when I'm the patient." She tried to maintain a level head despite the swirling feelings fighting for supremacy inside her. "And the doctor mentioned his duty, Tuvok informed him he had already reported it to him. There's more." Tegan sat down again and told Janeway about all of her encounters when she was in her coma and what had happened when she had lost consciousness in sickbay and Tuvok had performed the mind meld. She skipped over any references to her being in love for the time being.
"A gift?" Kathryn's brow wrinkled.
"Yeah, that's what she said. I haven't exactly been myself since then."
"In what way?" Again her concern took over as she searched Tegan's expression for answers.
Tegan let out a burst of air. "I don't know. I can't explain it. But on the upside when the doctor treated my knife wound he was able to get 70% healing. So maybe that was the gift?"
"Maybe," Kathryn didn't sound convinced.
They sat in silence for a little over half an hour while Kathryn processed the information. "Why did you tell me now?"
"What?" Tegan twisted her head and the skin surrounding her eyes wrinkled.
"Why did you tell me now as opposed to last week or three months from now?"
"I didn't know how to tell you last week. I mean I really didn't know then what was happening or why. I didn't want you to worry but I knew I had to tell you."
"I worry about you anyway. You're part of my crew it's my job as captain to worry about my crew."
Tegan interrupted her before she could continue. "Which is exactly why I didn't want to give you anything else to worry about."
"You don't like it when other people worry about you." Kathryn observed aloud. "Well you better get used to it because it's what people do when they care about other people."
"I know."
"You're staying with me tonight."
"I don't need to be put on suicide watch." Tegan huffed.
"I'm not so sure about that."
"Neither one of us is going to get any sleep if I stay."
"And I won't get any sleep if you don't."
She examined her face for a minute. She knew the next play Kathryn would make would and poker wasn't Tegan's strong suit. "Fine."
"How'd you sleep?" Kathryn asked but she already knew. The few hours they were in bed were spent staring up at the ceiling for both of them.
"Oh you know," Tegan pulled the toothbrush out of her mouth, "the usual."
"Mess hall?" Kathryn pulled her own toothbrush out. "I could use some of Neelix's coffee."
Tegan wrinkled her nose. "I think I'll pass."
"You didn't take your potassium this morning." The doctor materialized as she walked into sickbay to scold her.
"I wasn't in my quarters this morning."
"The captain has a replicator." He watched her walk through the office and over to the replicator in sick bay.
"Maybe I was in Chakotay's quarters this morning."
"He's the last person you would stay the night with."
Tegan popped the pill in her mouth and swallowed it dry while trying to find a witty come back. "You're probably right."