Dean sat in the car and tried to clear his head. The rain was coming down harder now. How fucking cliché! His mind drifted to another time he had made love to Cas in the rain. Damn it! It was so easy then. No family, no prying eyes, no questions or judgments, just him and Cas.

He thought about what Cas had said - family. He did love the sound of the word family attached to Cas. He could absolutely see coming home to Cas every night and waking up with him every morning. God, in the past couple of months he had found himself watching the clock in the afternoons that he knew they would see each other, eager to get out the door and see Cas' face. But a picket fence and a kid? No way!

What the hell did Cas want, a ring? And seriously, was he really talking about kids after just a few months together? Didn't he know how the assholes out there would treat them? He had spent his life cringing at gay jokes and faggot slurs, even laughing along to hide the shame of what he had done in his youth. His own father had told him loving a man was wrong and he could still sometimes see the tiny scar high on his cheek to prove it.

Why did it have to be so complicated?

And then there was Bobby. Dean worried about how the gruff Midwesterner would take finding out that his surrogate son sleeping with another man. Bobby wasn't exactly flying rainbow flags. What if he reacted the way his father had? Would he think Dean was less of a man? Bobby was family but Dean had to see him every day at work too. He didn't know what he would do if Bobby started looking at him differently. Maybe he wouldn't even want to be business partners any more. The idea of being rejected by Bobby terrified him more than he wanted to admit.

Cas' words rang out in his head: peace or freedom.

He felt his anxiety levels begin to rise and that awful feeling start taking over his gut. His stomach was turning with the increased adrenaline and his mind began filling with images of sand and blood and sounds of screaming and bullets and the taste of blood. And for the first time, when he closed his eyes it was Cas' face he saw, bloodied and broken on the ground as he struggled to wake the man whose eyes held no life. No! No! No! He pressed the heels of his palms to his eyes, hard, trying to make the horrible image go away. Not Cas! Not Cas! He couldn't lose Cas!

He blindly reached for the handle of the car and stumbled out into the drizzling rain. The feeling of the cool raindrops against his face pulled him back to reality, cooled his overheated skin and helped him steady his breathing. He turned around and rested his forehead on the roof of his car and waiting for his heartbeat to return to normal.

Then he turned and headed back into the reception hall to chase the bottom of every bottle he could get his hands on. He found a dark table in a corner where he wallowed in his anger and his guilt and seethed at the whole fucked up situation.

Sam eventually found him and sat down, taking the half empty bottle away. "Dean, what's going on with you? Where's Cas?"

"Gone! Probably for good. And gimme that back!"

"No," Sam said as he moved the bottle to the table behind him. "What happened?"

"I fucked it up like I always do! I guess your goddamn wedding brought out the girl in him because he started talking about family and shit and how he wants me to tell everyone about us. And…" Dean pinched the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes shut sighing, "I haven't told Bobby, Sam. I don't know how." Defeated, Dean laid his forehead on his arm, outstretched across the table.

"First of all, you have no reason to hide your relationship. If someone doesn't like it, screw 'em. Second, Bobby is pretty observant; do you really think he doesn't at least have an idea? Shit, Jo figured it out months ago!"

Dean's head snapped up. "What, Jo knows? And she didn't say anything?"

"Everyone is kind of giving you space. They think you'll talk to them when you are ready. Clearly, they underestimated how stubborn you are."

"Screw you," Dean slurred.

"Seriously, Dean, do you think anyone cares that Castiel is a guy? You have been happier with him than I can remember ever seeing you. That's all we want for you."

"Sam, you shoulda seen Dad when he found me with Michael. Fuck! He was so repulsed and disappointed. Wouldn't even look at me after that. Y'know, one of the last things he really said to me was that he was glad he busted up my face so no man would want me? He was so disgusted by me. I can't see that look on Bobby's face. I just can't."

"That's what this is about? Dean, Dad was wrong for the way he acted. You know that. I hate that he did that to you, but Bobby has never been anything but accepting of us. He's not Dad. And you owe him the respect of giving him a chance before you decide that he will react like Dad did. Now, get your sorry ass up and go talk to Bobby and make this right."

"I don't think I can make it right. I said something to Cas… I don't know if I can fix it."

"Dean, you fix broken and wrecked things every day. I have seen you work miracles at your shop and you brought the Impala back to life how many times? Look what you have done for Cas and you have no idea how often you kept me from falling apart. Fixing things… it's kind of your superpower. And this, what you have with Cas, if there's anything worth repairing, it's this." Sam put his hand on his brother's shoulder but Dean surprised him when he paused for a moment but then leaned in for a hug.

"Thanks, Sam."

OK, he could do this. He had to do this. Sam said Bobby already suspected anyway, right? Dean gave himself a pep talk as he headed over to the table where Bobby and Ellen were seated. Sam, awesome brother that he was, followed him over, and reached his hand out to Ellen inviting her to dance to give Dean some privacy with Bobby.

"Hey, boy, where you been hiding?"

Dean sat down in the chair across the table and steeled himself, "Bobby, I need to talk to you. It's about Cas."

"Le'me guess, you're in love and the two of you are moving to Vermont to open a B&B?" Bobby said, dripping with sarcasm.

Dean's mouth dropped open a bit before he caught himself. He almost smiled; Bobby always did have a way of getting past all of the bullshit. "Well, half right. We're… kinda… dating. But I won't be moving to Vermont 'cause someone's got to keep the shop going and you're not as spry as you used to be, old man."

"Watch it, boy, I ain't too old to kick your ass."

Dean huffed a laugh and took a swig of Bobby's drink. "So, you don't care that he's a dude?"

"Why the hell would I care? He ain't in my bed! Does he make you happy?"

"Yeah, he really does. But, I don't know if that even matters. I don't think it's going to work. We want different things. He said he wants a family and I don't think I should ever have kids."

"Why not? You've been like the damn pied piper here all night with these rugrats."

"Bobby, you know what my dad was like. Actually, you don't. You didn't see him. He could be mean and violent and neglectful. And I hated him for it for a long time. I don't want to be like him."

"So don't be! Have you got that low opinion of yourself? Are you that screwed in the head?! You are a better man than your daddy ever was!"

Bobby leaned forward and pointed a finger at Dean, "You listen to me, boy. My daddy was a mean drunk, mean as the come. And I said the same thing you are saying right now. I would never have kids because I didn't want to be like him. And you know what? I've always regretted that decision because it came between me and my first wife. But life ain't about repeating the mistakes of our fathers; it's about making our own choices. Life gave me a second chance with Ellen and Jo and you and Sam. And I ended up with three kids and I've never been more grateful for anything. So you two want to hold hands and sail off into the sunset or go all two men and a baby then do it, cause life's too short to live in someone else' mistakes."

Dean didn't know what to say. He had never heard Bobby say so much in one sitting. But Bobby was right. Dean didn't know what the future was going to hold for him and Cas. Maybe it was an apple pie life complete with 2.5 kids and a dog, maybe not. But the point was, he knew he didn't want to give up on Cas, whatever that meant for them.

"Now, are we done with the Tele Novella moment so that I can go rescue my wife? I think your brother has stepped on her feet enough."

"Yeah, and Bobby? Thanks."

Dean resigned to make things right with Cas. He would head over to his place first thing in the morning when he was sober and cleaned up and he would sweep him off his feet and apologize and beg his forgiveness and promise him everything, nothing was off the table, as long as he would give him another chance.

Dean almost stopped for flowers on the way over. That's what you do when you're saying sorry to girls, right? But what the hell do you give a guy to apologize for neglecting them and throwing their dead ex in their face? Fuck! He was terrible at this. He finally decided the best thing he could do was just show up and offer his honest apology and Cas would take him back and bam! Makeup sex!

He was even excited and as he used the key Cas gave him so that he could sneak in and surprise the man, maybe wake him up with kisses and an apology and, hey, morning makeup sex! A hundred scenarios were going through his head and by the time he was climbing the stairs to Cas' apartment he was feeling much better about where this was going.

But when he got to the top of the stairs he froze when he heard voices; Cas' and a woman's. He hung back in the shadow, heart in his throat now. Pamela came strolling down the hall into the kitchen in nothing but one of Cas' shirts, pulling her hair back into a ponytail. "Hey, hun, you want some coffee?" Hun? What the hell?! Pamela was standing half-naked in Cas' kitchen the morning after their argument!

Dean suddenly remembered what Cas had told him about Pamela, that they had hooked up a few times for, what did he call it, comfort? You've got to be kidding! One fight and Cas was fucking Pamela?! Dean felt sick. He had to get out of there. He waited for Pamela to head back down the hall towards Cas' bedroom (bedroom!) with two mugs of coffee and snuck back down the stairs.

As soon as he was through the front door, he felt the familiar constricting in his lungs and had to brace himself, leaning back against the red brick of the studio wall to keep his balance. Not now, he thought, I can't have a panic attack now! How had he been so incredibly wrong about Cas? And what the fuck? Talking about family one moment then sleeping with someone else in the next breath?

Dean managed to get into his car and pounded his hand against the steering wheel, needing some outlet to take out his rage on. "Fuck!" He screamed at no one, gripping the steering wheel until his knuckles were white. This was why he didn't get close to people, why he usually stuck with one night stands. How could he have let himself care so much about Cas! He couldn't believe how much this hurt. Well, no more! He couldn't open his heart to be ripped out again. He was done with it all. He took off with the Impala growling underneath him.

Castiel came out of the bathroom to Pamela holding out a hot cup of coffee with a warm smile on her face. "You feeling better?" She asked, "Man, you were a mess last night."

"Yes, thank you for staying. My apologies for crying on your shoulder."

"It's fine, sweetie. I'm just glad I was still here. Lessons went long last night, with me having to cover for you to go to the wedding. Not to mention my date fell through. That Benny ended up being such a blood-sucker. You know he wanted me to pay for just about every date? Never pick up a guy dressed as an evil orc, you could get stuck in dating purgatory!"

At that Castiel laughed. He was truly grateful that Pamela was there last night. He had come home hurt and angry and just so tired of a world where his love was frowned upon and devalued simply because of gender. Pamela had listened to him rant for a few minutes. Then, with her usual tact, told him to shut up and get his ass to bed because this feeling sorry for himself was bullshit she wasn't going to put up with.

"So, what are you going to do?" Pamela asked as she walked over to the couch and began folding up her blankets from the night before and putting them back into the trunk.

"I need to talk to him. We both said things we shouldn't have. I insulted him and I can't just leave things like that."

"Well, that sounds a little more reasonable than the 'he can go to hell for all I care' crap you were spewing last night."

Castiel groaned, embarrassed. "Yes, I guess we were both a bit worked up. I didn't really mean to push. But, Pamela, I can't live in secret again."

"Castiel, you shouldn't have to. It isn't fair and you have been hurt enough by that crap. But think about what you were asking. Dean Winchester, consummate stud muffin, turning his brother's wedding into his coming out party? That's a bit much for anyone."

Castiel sighed, hiding his face behind his hand. "I know. You're right. But he hasn't even told his family except Sam. I feel like he is ashamed of me."

"Dean's crazy if he isn't proud as hell to be dating you. But, talk to him. Dean may be a stubborn jackass, but I've seen the way he looks at you and, honey, that man is crazy about you. You guys can work this out."

Castiel made up his mind to fix this, today. Maybe he had pushed too hard. He would be patient with Dean and give him the space he needed to be more comfortable with dating a man. Maybe he could meet just a few friends and family at a time. Coming out at your brother's wedding, yeah, he thought, that was too big of a step. Castiel felt stupid and petty and selfish for not understanding how hard that would have been for Dean. He knew about Dean's father and the deep damage that he had done to his son. And if Dean needed take it slow, they could talk about family later. They had more pressing hurtles to get over first.

Pamela left and he immediately texted Dean: We need to talk

Dean's response came quickly: Nothing to talk about. We r done.

Castiel stared at the message for several minutes before he could even think. He suddenly felt sick and a chill took over his whole body as he sunk back down onto his couch. How could they be done? Just like that. Was Dean that insistent on keeping their relationship hidden? Maybe he never intended to acknowledge Castiel to his family at all. Castiel could feel his heart breaking. How could he have fallen so hard for someone who couldn't love him back?

His fingers hovered over the face of his phone, ready to type once his brain could form a response. Nothing came.

How I wish, how I wish you were here
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in fish bowls year after year
Running over the same old ground
What have we found?
The same old fears
Wish you were here
~Wish You Were Here – Pink Floyd