Castiel was a mess. He couldn't understand where things had gone so wrong with Dean. He had tried to fix it. He called Dean but he wouldn't answer. He left messages and texted, all of which were ignored. He even tried going to Dean's apartment but he wasn't there and he wouldn't bombard the man at his place of work. It didn't seem possible that the man whom he had fallen in love with could be so stubborn over one argument.

Finally, he stopped trying. He was not going to be the person that Dean has so blatantly pointed out who pined for someone he couldn't have. And obviously Dean didn't want him. But he wasn't doing as well as he tried to convince himself. He was distracted and depressed and Pamela had even picked up a few lessons for him when she could see his mind was absolutely not in the game.

He couldn't believe that he had been so wrong about what he had with Dean. Sure, Dean had never actually told him that he loved him, but he had done so many other things that all seemed to Castiel like they were born out of love. Maybe, thought Castiel, he was just fooling himself this whole time, seeing love where he wanted to see it. Maybe he was just Interpreting Dean's actions as love because that's what he needed. Maybe Dean could never truly give his heart to a man.

He cursed John Winchester for hurting his son, teaching him to be ashamed of who he was. He cried for the man he loved, who had been beaten and humiliated by his own father's hatred. And he lamented for his own heart, which he had so easily lost to Dean.

He tried to do things to get his mind off of Dean. He kept finding things that reminded him of Dean – clothes that he had left at Castiel's apartment, pictures they had taken, ticket stubs places they had been together, and Dean's favorite coffee mug. Dean had been so woven into the fabric of Castiel's life that now, everywhere he looked, there was a reminder of the man who had left his handprint firmly on Castiel's heart. As he found these mementos, he placed them into a box, which he shoved to the back of the closest. Every time he looked at his phone, that stupid picture of Dean and him in their ridiculous LARPing getups taunted him until he finally changed his background.

After a week, he couldn't look at the Austin-Healey without thinking about his time restoring it with Dean or their trip to Texas so he returned it to its storage garage, once again locking away the beautiful machine. He slowly backed the car in, covering it with a tarp. Tears fell down his cheeks and he felt like a vice was gripping down on his chest when he watched the car become enveloped in darkness again as he pulled the door closed and locked her away.

But at night he dreamed fitfully of green eyes and strong hands and freckles and a deep voice whispering and singing low into his ear. And more than once Castiel woke with tears in his eyes.

Two weeks had gone by when Sam pulled up to the studio just as he was closing the doors for the evening.

Sam approached him cautiously, nervously shifting back and forth between his feet, "Hey, Castiel, can I talk to you?"

"Of course, Sam, please come in. How was the honeymoon?"

"It was great, but I came home to a drunk Dean on my couch. I asked him to keep an eye on my house while we were away, but he stayed there the whole time emptying my liquor cabinet." Castiel realized this was why he hadn't been at his home; he was avoiding dealing with him by hiding out at his brother's house.

"Bobby said he's having a hard time at work. Apparently he beat the hell out of an old car they had out back with a sledge hammer and scared some of the employees at the shop. I know you guys had a fight and he says it's over and he won't talk about it at all. He's really in bad shape and, I don't know, I thought maybe if I talked to you… He'd kill me if he even knew I was here."

"I believe Dean was being honest with you about ending our relationship. We did have an argument, but he has refused to speak with me since that night. I told him that I didn't like hiding our relationship and he got angry. I realize now that I shouldn't have pushed him to reveal us in that situation. I know it's difficult for him."

Sam gave him a quizzical look before telling him, "Cas, he told Bobby about you guys the night of the wedding, soon after your fight. Bobby, Ellen, Jo, Ash. They all know and everyone was fine with it. The last I saw him that night he was coming here to apologize to you."

Castiel took in a sharp breath and breathed, "He told everyone?" Sam nodded but Castiel shook his head and sighed, sad and resigned, "Then I suppose he reconsidered because I haven't heard from him since then, nor has he responded to my texts or calls. I'm sorry, Sam, I don't know what else to tell you."

"This doesn't make any sense. I came over here today to beg you to give him another chance. I thought it was you who wouldn't talk to him." Sam huffed a laugh. "I even had a speech prepared about how stubborn my brother is but how he is worth it too."

Castiel gave Sam a sad smile and put his hand on his arm. "You don't have to tell me. I want nothing more than to make things right between us. I love Dean very much. But I fear that feeling isn't mutual."

"No, Castiel. He loves you. I know he does. Listen, I think we are going to have to force Dean's hand, here. Will you come with me to talk to him?"

"Do you think that's wise? He won't like being ambushed."

"Yeah, well I don't like pissed off drunken Dean crashing on my couch. And I want to see my brother happy and he was never as happy as when he was with you."

Castiel nodded that he would go with Sam, even as he tried to keep his anxiety about the situation from showing on his face.

Castiel sat in Sam's car, wringing his hands. He wanted to speak with Dean but wasn't sure how he was going to take Sam bringing him to his house, showing up unexpected. Well, he figured, it couldn't get much worse so he didn't really have anything to lose.

When they arrived at Sam's house, Dean had just gotten out of the shower and Castiel froze as he took in the sight of Dean, so beautiful standing there in just jeans with his hair still wet. Castiel ached to touch him, smell him, taste him. It took every bit of willpower in him not to cross the living room and kiss the man until he melted under his touch. Dean pulled on a dark green t-shirt and growled, "What. The. Fuck. Sam!"

"Dean, I'm sorry, but I am not letting you just avoid this anymore. I asked Castiel to come here and talk to you. You both need to hear each other out. You don't just give up that easily on family."

Dean positively roared, "After what he pulled, don't you ever fucking call him family again!"

"Sam, I'm sorry, I think this may have been a mistake." Castiel said quietly and started to turn around towards the door.

"No, please, just a minute, Castiel." Sam grabbed Castiel's arm to stop him and out of the corner of his eye caught Dean flinch at Cas being grabbed. That had to be a good sign, right? He turned back to his brother, "Dean, all Cas was asking was to be acknowledged. That isn't too much to ask. You told Bobby about your relationship so what's the problem?"

"You think that's what this is about?! Sam, Cas cheated on me!"

Sam and Castiel both looked dumbstruck. Sam took his hand off Castiel's arm and focused a glare on him that made Castiel want to shrink back. Facing the full force of two angry Winchesters was something akin to standing in the path of a tornado. Their wrath was terrifying and sent a chill through Castiel.

"I didn't… what are you-"

"I saw you, Cas! You know, I was actually coming up to apologize! And I saw you with Pamela. I can't believe you fucked her after we had one fight!"

"Dean, I didn't sleep with Pamela."

"What was she doing in your apartment wearing nothing but your shirt?"

"I was upset after our argument and she was still there after classes. She listened to me when I needed someone. She slept on the couch… like she always does." Castiel was getting angry now at Dean for jumping to such a conclusion and stepped right up to Dean, far into his personal space. Dean instinctively took a step back. Cas was a bit shorter than he was but could still be one intimidating guy when he wanted to. He positively thrummed with a power Dean never could explain. "And she was in one of my shirts because it is a better sleeping option than a ballroom gown! Hell, that shirt covered more of her than most of her ballroom costumes do! Do you really think so little of me that you believe me capable of what you are accusing?" Castiel sighed and shook his head then turned on his heel and walked out the front door.

It was Dean's turn to look dumbstruck. His brain was processing Cas' words. He had spent the last two weeks working himself into a fury, sure that Cas had betrayed him. Was it just a stupid misunderstanding? His head was spinning with Cas' explanation. When he had walked in and Pamela was there he had been shocked and hurt. He had driven straight to the nearest bar and had spent a large part of the last two weeks drinking away rational thoughts. Now, Cas' account seemed so simple. Why couldn't he see what was obviously the most sensible answer? Alcohol, Dean thought. Blame it on the alcohol.

He suddenly felt incredibly foolish. Cas had told him that Pamela sometimes crashed at his place. Fuck! Why had he overreacted so much? Was he really so petty and jealous and insecure?

All he knew was that the thought of Cas with anyone else drove him crazy. He knew that Cas was amazing. He was smart and talented and refined. Dean was a grease monkey, a high school dropout, and a seriously damaged emotional mess. Maybe it was so easy to believe that Cas wanted someone else because he really didn't get why Cas would settle for him.

"Dean!" Sam's voice snapped him out of his stupor. "So? Are you just going to let him walk away?"

Cas was gone. He had walked out Sam's front door.

Dean grabbed his head with both hands, "Shit, Sam, maybe he's better off."

"Don't, Dean, just… don't. He loves you. He'd be better off if you got out there talked to him."

Sam was right. For whatever reason, Cas did love him and he realized with sudden clarity that he wasn't about to let that go. He loved Cas, too! Dean took off after his angel at a run. He found Cas walking down the sidewalk just a couple houses away, talking on his cell phone ordering a cab. He grabbed the phone out of Cas' hand to his protest and told the taxi dispatcher that he didn't need a ride and hung up.

"Dean, what are-"

"Cas, I'm so sorry! I'm an ass. I didn't mean what I said at the wedding and I can't believe I ever thought you would cheat on me. I told Bobby and Ellen about us and, fuck, it felt so good! And if you want a white picket fence and a bunch of babies and a damn dog, I'm in. I'll put up a freaking heart shaped picture of us in my office if you want. I don't care. I choose you, Cas! I choose freedom, fuck peace! I just know that I was miserable without you and your damn blue eyes and your nerdiness and you missing all of my references and -"

Castiel grabbed Dean with both hands on the sides of his face and pulled him into a searing kiss. Dean froze for a moment; eyes wide open shocked at the sudden kiss, but quickly began to respond in full, wrapping has arms around Cas' waist as Cas brought up a hand to (finally) thread his fingers through that wet hair. The kiss was passionate and said a thousand things that words hadn't.

Sam whistled from his place on his front step and when Dean heard it, he smiled into the kiss and fist pumped the air.

When Dean pulled back he could see that Cas was laughing. Cas had tears pooling in his eyes that were threatening to make Dean emotional too. Luckily, he chose that moment to tell Dean, "I don't need the house and the kids, just you. And I'm sorry I pushed you. We can take it slow and tell people when you are ready. Thank you, though, for telling your family."

"I don't want to keep this a secret anymore. You were right, that's bullshit! I'm proud to be with you, Cas, and I don't ever want you to feel like I'm not. 'Cause… I fucking love you, OK?!"

And now there was no stopping the tears that had pooled in Cas' eyes. They overflowed and Castiel smiled at Dean through them. Dean felt his heart catch at the sight of that smile, blue eyes boring right into him through those dark lashes. God, he loved this man so much it hurt! Dean cupped Cas' jaw and wiped a tear away with his thumb and brought his forehead to Cas', whispering, "Don't cry, baby. I'll fix this. I'm so sorry. I never want to make you sad again."

"It's OK, Dean. I just thought I had lost you and it nearly broke my heart and now you're here and you love me and-"

Dean leaned in and kissed the words from Cas' tongue. He could taste the saltiness of his lover's tears and his heart ached for the pain that he had caused his angel. He was overwhelmed by the sensation of having this man in his arms, mouths moving as one, bodies lined up perfectly, Cas' arms around his neck and hands threading through his hair.

And when he heard Cas let out a soft whimper, his body reacted with its own memory and he groaned, "Cas, we need to take this somewhere else or Sam's neighbors are going to be traumatized by what I do to you next."

Cas laughed and grabbed Dean's hand, pulling him back towards Sam's house. Dean was still barefoot with no keys on him, but, because Sam pretty much rocked, he hollered to Dean, "Hey, head's up," and tossed Dean's keys to him as they passed through the front yard. Dean caught them with his free hand and hopped into the Impala, shoes forgotten as he leaned into Cas for a deep kiss before taking off towards home.

They stumbled through the door of Dean's apartment, unable to keep their hands off of one other. As soon as the door was closed behind them, Castiel found himself thrust against it as Dean positively growled, "Fuck! I missed you so bad, Cas."

Dean already had his knee nudged between Cas' legs and Cas was pressing into Dean urgently. "I couldn't breathe without you. I love you so much, Dean."

Dean leaned back and looked at his lover. Cas' head was thrown back against the door, eyes half lidded and dark with desire. But he was looking at Dean with that fucking adoration that kind always made him squirm a little. It was too much. How could Cas still look at him like that after everything? And Dean decided that he would willingly spend the rest of his life trying to earn that look from Cas.

"God, Cas, I love you too. I'm so sorry I hurt you and I promise, I'm going to fix this and make you happy."

Castiel cupped Dean's face between his hands and brought their foreheads together. "Dean, stop apologizing. We both had fault, but we'll fix it together. As I recall, we are pretty good at that." And he kissed his lover, slow and soft and full of meaning, his arms resting easily around Dean's shoulders.

Dean was the first to break the kiss, leaning back and taking Castiel's hand after it trailed down the length of his arm. He led his lover to the bedroom and stopped in front of the bed to turn around and face Castiel. His fingers trailed from the corner of his blue eye, around the curve of his jaw and down the front of his neck, until they reached their goal and began working off the man's tie. Dean's hands were shaking just the slightest bit with nerves.

It had been a long time since he had been nervous with Cas but somehow, after their separation, he felt wary, like this moment was bigger, more important than before. And it was. He felt that they had crossed a boarder, that their relationship was changed because of what they had gone through and he had finally been able to tell Cas how much he loved him. He slowly worked his way down Cas' buttons as he nibbled sweet kisses behind his ear, taking his time to make this night perfect for his lover.

Castiel closed his eyes and quietly whimpered when Dean finally had his shirts off and traced his hands over his bared chest and up his neck until he pulled Castiel to his mouth with both hands. God, the hot, wet slide of slick lips together was perfect and when their tongues met Dean couldn't hold in his own groan. He continued exploring Cas' mouth but moved his hands down his back to pull their hips together, slotting their bodies perfectly so that they could both feel each other's hardness.

He was now desperate for Cas, he couldn't remember a time in his life that he wanted to make love to anyone so badly. And when Cas rubbed the palm of his hand down Dean's erection it felt like heaven. The two men immediately began a rushed effort to get their pants off and blend together skin touching skin.

Dean laughed as he pulled Cas down, tumbling onto the bed together with Cas on his back and Dean, propped on an elbow leaning over him, stroking his cock, feeling it harden more and more under his attention. When Cas threw his head back and moaned, Dean chuckled, "What, Cas, miss this?"

"Mmmm, yes. I missed you, Dean." Castiel opened his eyes and placed his hand solidly on Dean's cheek, forcing their eyes to lock and Dean became lost. Cas had a way of looking not at him but into him and for some reason this time it didn't make him uncomfortable or scared and he didn't want to look away. That look felt like home, where Cas and he could be each other's safe place.

"I missed you too. Damn, I don't want to ever be without you again."

"You never will be," Castiel assured Dean as he pulled him down and between his legs so that their bodies were aligned perfectly, erections slotted together and arms and legs locked around one another's bodies.

Dean groaned and rolled his hips, causing Castiel to suck in a sharp breath and begin moving together with him. Dean groped around with a free hand until he finally found the table drawer and grabbed the lube, breaking away from Castiel's kiss to sit back on his knees and lube his fingers before reaching through Castiel's legs to massage his perineum. He took his time teasing and stroking his entrance, enjoying watching his lover become more and more desperate. Cas was so beautiful like this, when he let go of that control he usually held so tight to and just let Dean take him anywhere.

Watching Cas writhe and arch his back and hearing the wrecked gravel in his voice as he growled, "Dean, please," was glorious and Dean gave the man more as he slid a finger inside of Cas' most sensitive spot, feeling how tight he had become after weeks apart. Dean moaned at the mere thought of burying himself in Cas and drowning in the feeling of being surrounded by his tight lover.

His other hand was stroking Cas' cock and spreading the pre-come around the head and he could no longer hold off, lowering his head and taking Cas' into his mouth, feeling the heavy swell of the head on his tongue and tasting the saltiness of his come as he sucked him off and worked him open at the same time. Two fingers then three, swirling inside of Castiel, brushing against his prostate over and over and Dean's mouth working him furiously overwhelmed him in pleasure and all he could think and feel was Dean and love, and pleasure, and Dean! White ecstasy washed over him as he arched into the bliss and rode the wave until there was nothing.

When he came back to awareness, he opened his eyes and Dean was hovering over him, an inch away from his face, whispering words of love between gentle kisses on his cheek, temple, jaw, the corner of his lips. It took a moment for Castiel to focus and when he could he was sorry that he had missed one word of what Dean had said. "Dean, tell me again."

"I love you," Dean whispered, just barely audible.

Dean shifted his body and Castiel could feel him at his entrance. He watched Dean's face as he entered him and soaked in the look in his eyes as Dean became surrounded in the pleasure that Cas could give him. Dean's face was stripped naked of all masks and now Castiel could see the love, adoration, and awe that was shared between them. The men rocked their bodies together, melting into one until there was nothing in the world but Dean and Cas and this moment and they came together, bodies and hearts dancing in perfect time with one another.

That night, Dean awoke to a cold sweat, shaking from the nightmare. Castiel immediately pulled his lover into his arms whispering comforting words until his breathing had returned to normal. "Dean, will you tell me?"

Dean hesitated. He hated reliving that day but he knew he had to. He knew he needed to share this with Cas, who deserved to know the truth. He rolled over so that his back was to Cas. Maybe he could tell him, but he didn't see the look of disappointment in the man's eyes when he learned what Dean had done. Castiel moved right behind him and wrapped an arm around his middle. Dean found his hand and pressed it to his own chest. Castiel nuzzled the back of Dean's neck and whispered, "It's OK, Dean, whenever you are ready."

"The dream was about the sandbox, but I guess you knew that. I'd been there over a year but, you know time seems to be different there. God, it felt more like 40 years! We had to travel to Kandahar a lot. From our base into town we traveled down this beat up highway that we used to jokingly call the Highway to Hell. We'd even sometimes blast AC/DC on the way there to pump ourselves up if we needed some motivation.

"This one day, we got a lead on some insurgents holed up in an old factory that were recruiting boys, like 14 and 15 year olds, and teaching them to make bombs. They were going to turn these kids into suicide bombers. We were headed in and I took point and I got us inside the building when we were ambushed from behind. They killed my squad leader and injured my commo. But we got 'em. There were just three of them. Two of them couldn't have been 16 years old.

"One of the kids was killed in the fight. We captured the other one and the leader. We should have taken them right back to the MPs. They were EPWs and, you know, there's rules. But it was chaos. The men were flipping their shit when Sergeant Turner was killed. He was a great leader and everyone loved him. And I should have stopped it, but I didn't. I was so angry and full of rage and adrenaline. We tied those two up and we hurt them. We told ourselves it was an interrogation but they didn't know anything, they were just foot soldiers.

"We tortured them, punched them and cut them until they were crying. They were actually fucking crying. Cas, I wanted to kill them. I wanted revenge for Rufus. I had turned into something terrible. And we left them there, bloody and broken. We couldn't take them with us like that but I stopped short of killing them. Maybe I should have.

"So, just a couple of weeks later we had to head back to Hell and we got caught in a firefight. I lost good men. We walked right into a trap and there was an explosion. I was hit along with three others. The youngest was this kid, Adam Milligan who was just 19, couldn't have been in for more than a year. I tried to help them and get them out but we outnumbered. And you know, I saw that kid that we tortured, he was there fighting against us. It was my fault, if I had been strong enough to stop the torture or even to kill them it wouldn't have happened and they would be alive. I don't remember much after that. I was just shooting at everything and it was all chaos. It's a day I can't get out of my head. March 18, 2009."

Cas gasped. He recognized that date. It was forever etched in his mind. The day Balthazar died. He had been on a mission that day… to Kandahar! The memory flooded back of pulling a screaming man away from his men, still laying down cover fire as he was laid out bleeding on the litter. He didn't want to go until all of his men were out. He was covered in blood, both his own and others from trying to drag them out of the line of fire. A hundred images flashed through his mind as the hidden memories came flooding back. And now Cas could see it clearly in his mind. Dean!

Cas sat up onto his elbow so that he could see Dean's face. He put a hand under Dean's chin to turn his face toward him. "Dean, I was there with you that day. I remember. It was you that I pulled from the battle and evaced."

Dean met Cas' eyes. He had feared judgment but what he saw was nothing but acceptance and love. "Cas, you pulled me out of hell?" Cas nodded and smiled. "My mother was right. There really were angels watching over me… you! Cas, you really are my angel."

You're the reason I live, you're the reason I die
You're the reason I give when I break down and cry
Don't need no reason why
Baby, baby, baby
You're my angel, come and save me tonight
~Angel – Aerosmith