A/N: There will be a little bit of fluff in this..but then I jump back into angst. And yes, I'm aware I told you I might not update for awhile. I lied. I guess I just can't stop writing. It's an addiction. I also said I would never write a multi-chaptered fic...now look at me!
Chapter 7: Essentiality
Nyota hummed quietly to herself as she scrolled through the PADD in her hand, searching for the next file she intended to show Remaja. She had decided that the best course of action would be to show Remaja pictures of certain things and prompt her to say their names...and then she would say the words in Standard until Remaja memorized them. It worked fairly well, and so far they had gone through three files of pictures.
The tricorder lay on the table between them, recording everything that was said. Later, Nyota would transcribe the session into written form and study the words more closely. She had already composed a working alphabet- there were still holes in it, but they were quickly filling up. Nyota was far from achieving her goal, but striving toward it every day.
It had been a whole month to the day since her abduction on Scorpius Three. Dr. Adams had insisted that she take another week off, no matter how much Nyota protested, and no matter the fact that she obviously didn't need it. In fact, she didn't need therapy, either- and even Dr. Adams knew that. She supposed he only insisted on two more sessions with him because he had nothing better to do and was desperate for work.
Ever since bonding with Spock a week and a half before, the nightmares had not returned. In fact, she was so at peace with the world that she hardly thought about Scorpius at all. She was over it- she knew it, and Adams knew it. Maybe the reason the psychiatrist insisted on more sessions was also because he found it hard to believe that she had gotten over it so quickly. She could hardly believe it, either.
However, she didn't really mind having another week off. It had given her all the time she wanted to study the new language. When she returned to the bridge, her time with Remaja would be cut considerably. She must use this time to build the foundation for her future work. But the week was now over- she was returning to the bridge the very next day.
Nyota glanced up at Remaja, who sat across from her at the table. She was staring at the PADD, her head tilted to the side as she watched the screen move under Nyota's fingers. She was fascinated by all of the Enterprise's technology, but especially by the strange devices that stored everything from e-books, to pictures, to music files.
Nyota had had Remaja moved from the brig the day after the assignment was given to her, into the quarters she was now confined to. The rooms were small and barren of any decorations or personal affects, but they contained a bathroom and a bed. An engineer had installed a replicator there as well, so that no one had to bring her meals. She wore Starfleet-issue gray pajamas, since that was all that could be spared for her, and she wore a beaded headband that Nyota had given her, her thick black hair cascading down her back.
Remaja seemed to be making even better progress than Nyota had anticipated. In fact- she was learning Standard much faster than Nyota was learning her language. And it had only been three weeks since they began these exchanges.
"Nyota. Faster." Remaja said impatiently, drumming her long, brown fingers on the table. Nyota smiled.
"Patience." she said. "Wait." She wasn't sure if Remaja understood- and that was the most frustrating part of it all.
She finally found the correct file and brought up a picture of a tree. She turned to Remaja and began their next lesson. They worked for another hour before Nyota felt a slight nudge in her mind...from the link that she was almost able to forget about when she was busy. Spock was asking permission to enter her mind, even though she had told him repeatedly that he didn't need to ask. His consciousness was hovering at the very edges of hers. She gave him permission, and his presence became more pronounced, her head almost buzzing from it. She had not yet fully learned how to operate the bond, and occasionally it was still a little overwhelming, but Spock had been teaching her. It wasn't as easy as she had thought it would be- but she didn't mind having Spock as her teacher. It had its benefits.
"What is it?" Nyota thought. His presence was so warm, always so comforting to her. When in the company of others, it was hard for her to keep her composure when he used the bond to speak to her. If she didn't have any reserve, she would probably smile like a lovesick schoolgirl.
"I am leaving the bridge. Are you finished for the day?" he asked.
"Not quite. I'm about to leave Remaja's, but I still have to transcribe." Nyota replied, keeping her eyes trained on the table-top. Remaja was paying no attention to her, or to how silent she had suddenly become- she had the PADD in her hands, and she was enjoying randomly looking through it. With her intense curiosity, she sometimes reminded Nyota of a child.
"Have you consumed nutrition since this morning?" Spock asked.
"No..." Nyota bit her lip to keep from smiling. Sometimes Spock reminded her of her mother when he admonished her for not eating. "I've been busy. I'll grab something from the mess hall later."
"You have a tendency to not care for your body when you are immersed in work." Spock said, and she felt a small wave of disapproval and admonishment. "You are to return to the bridge tomorrow, and must receive proper nourishment to be prepared. You must not let your linguistics project distract you."
Nyota did the mental equivalent of an eye-roll, but she was amused.
"Don't worry, I'll eat soon." Nyota replied. "And I'll be in top form when I report to the bridge tomorrow."
She felt his skepticism, but then he withdrew from her mind- at least, he mostly withdrew. She could always feel him, like a strange tingling. It wasn't unpleasant- just strange. She had no words to describe it.
She gathered up the tricorder and managed to wrestle the PADD from Remaja's grip.
"I will see you tomorrow." Nyota said slowly. Remaja tilted her head again- that always reminded her of her k'diwa- and then nodded.
"Tomorrow. Goodbye, friend." she replied. Nyota blinked, surprised- she didn't remember ever teaching Remaja the word 'friend'. She wondered if she even knew what the word meant- but it seemed that she did by the way she smiled at her, teeth glinting. Oddly enough, Nyota realized- she was her friend.
"Goodbye, friend." Nyota said, smiling back, and then she left. As she walked toward the turbolift, the thought occurred to her that maybe Remaja was even better at picking up languages than Nyota was herself.
The mystery that was Remaja became more and more compelling by the day. Nyota was anxious for the time when the two of them would be able to sit down and have an actual conversation. Her need to know what had really been happening on Scorpius Three had changed...the need was still there, but now she simply wanted to get to know Remaja. What was her story? Why, and how, had she gotten the scars on her back- scars that Nyota would have had if not for modern medicine? What had her life been like? Did she have a family?
Nyota was so lost in thought that at first, she didn't see Spock standing in front of her door. She stopped before him, noting that he held a tray laden with enough food for two people.
"I said I was going to get something to eat later." Nyota said with a smile.
"I am merely ensuring that you do not neglect your need for sustenance." Spock replied. "If I did not bring it to you, you would have delayed until late at night, as you so often do."
"Just get in here." Nyota said, entering her access code and entering her quarters. Spock followed her, and set the tray down on the small table. "Wasn't it a bit of a risk, carrying that all the way here? Wouldn't it have been suspicious that you're carrying enough food for two people?" Nyota asked teasingly.
"At this time, most of the ship's crew are either on duty or resting in their quarters. The recreation area was nearly empty and my actions were not noted." Spock replied. Nyota sighed as she sat at the table.
"Will we always have to be a secret?" she asked mournfully. Spock tilted his head, pausing in the preparation of his salad.
"Our relationship is not secret...it is discrete." he corrected. Nyota gave a quiet "Ha!" at that. He arched an eyebrow.
"Do you disagree, Nyota?" he asked. Nyota finished chewing before she responded.
"Spock, being 'discrete' is the same as being secretive." Nyota said.
"There is a difference." Spock replied. "Although it is a very subtle one. I am not surprised that you do not see it."
She shot a glare at him, but he continued.
"A secret is something that must be kept at all costs. No one at all must know of it. To my knowledge, two others know about our relationship- my father and Captain Kirk. It is hardly a secret if others besides ourselves know of it. While I do not wish our marriage to be public knowledge, the only thing holding me back from publicly claiming you as mine is the slight possibility that it may hinder our professional relationship. It is much easier for us to work together when no one knows that we are so much more than colleagues. You are aware of the Jennison and O'Hara situation, so I need not say anything further on that subject.
"With this in mind, I reiterate the fact that we are not being secretive- merely discrete. If someone on this ship were to discover our personal relationship, I would not be alarmed by it. Uncomfortable, perhaps, but not alarmed. A secret brings with it great fear that someone will find out. We do not fear being found out. We are breaking no rules. But as a Vulcan- I prefer privacy, which requires discretion."
"You forgot Dr. McCoy." Nyota said when he was finished. He looked up at her.
"Dr. McCoy may have his suspicions, but it was never confirmed to him." Spock replied. Nyota set her fork down.
"Well...I told him." she replied quietly. Spock's eyebrow shot up again.
"When was this?" he asked. She couldn't be sure, but she thought he may have been a little irritated. She attempted to open the link enough to see, but she was still clumsy with it, and if he was irritated he had more than enough time to recover from it before she finally managed to enter his mind. By that time, he radiated only calm and affection for her.
"It was the day of my last checkup." Nyota said. "I was...upset when he mentioned you. He said that he was sure that we were together, and I corrected him. But I did say that we used to be a couple."
"Then he does not know the current state of our affairs." Spock said, his shoulders relaxing somewhat. Nyota wondered why he cared whether or not McCoy knew, if he supposedly didn't care if someone else were to find out. "Dr. McCoy witnessed my...loss of control. I am not quite comfortable with him." Spock replied, and she realized that the link was still open and he had heard her thoughts, and she closed it. She definitely needed to get used to this. She went back to eating her dinner, and they were silent for a few minutes.
"You're not uncomfortable with the captain, but he saw your loss of control too." Nyota said after a long debate about whether or not she should bring it up again. Spock nodded slowly.
"Captain Kirk is more accepting of me, Nyota. Whereas Dr. McCoy...I have gotten the impression that he is not fond of Vulcans."
Nyota raised her head, surprised. "Spock- McCoy doesn't dislike you, if that's what you think!" she said. "He just...he's just grumpy. He doesn't like to show the warmer side of him. But trust me, he does like you- he just can't express it. You're alike in that way."
Now both of Spock's eyebrows shot up. Apparently, he disagreed that he and Dr. McCoy had anything in common. She smiled at him.
"Your discomfort about Dr. McCoy is illogical." she said with a teasing lilt in her tone.
"How so?" Spock asked. "Dr. McCoy is quite persistent in making derogatory comments about my green blood, logic, or my pointed ears. Why would he say such things if he does not dislike me? While I do not allow it to affect my working relationship with him, the fact that he is prejudiced prevents me from trusting him outside of our duties."
"Spock!" Nyota said, shocked. "He's not prejudiced! You just don't understand..."
"Then help me to understand." Spock said, his voice slipping slightly out of its usual emotionless timbre, becoming softer, using the tone he only used with her.
"It's...a human thing. A male thing, actually." Nyota said. "Men- even human men- aren't comfortable with showing their emotions to other men. So they cover it up with things like that...negative comments, name-calling. It makes no sense, and it's completely immature, but that's how they express themselves. Coming from anyone else, it could be meant as an insult...but coming from Captain Kirk or Dr. McCoy, it's like...an invitation to friendship."
"You are suggesting that Dr. McCoy's insistence on calling me 'green-blooded hobgoblin' is a common way for human males to express themselves to their friends?" Spock asked.
"Yes, exactly."
"That is supremely illogical."
Nyota stared at him for a moment, and then began to laugh- hard. She clutched her stomach, tears coming to her eyes. Spock watched in mixed confusion and fascination.
"What have I said that is so humorous?" he finally asked. Nyota pushed away from the table and walked around to sit on his lap- he moved his chair back to accommodate her. Once she was settled, her arms around his neck, she kissed him, her lips soft against his.
"I love you." she said, still chuckling. Spock opened the link and sent his love to her. It filled her, warming her all over, her eyes sparkling and her smile radiant. He leaned forward enough to press his lips against her collarbone.
"You are essential to me, Nyota." he replied. She knew he felt her surprise, and he looked up at her. "It is illogical, I know. Yet I also know that when I was not sure we would reunite, I feared living my life without you when I may have had a chance to redeem myself and did not take it. This is how I know that you are essential to my own contentment."
Nyota stared into his eyes, unable to look away. His words meant so much...especially since he had spoken them. He could have easily told her this over the link, but he chose to say it verbally. She was not sure how it made a difference- perhaps it was because it was so much more difficult for him to say things he could tell her telepathically. It was illogical to voice his fears, to voice the fact that she was essential to him. She didn't have the words to describe how this made her feel, so she let him feel it instead, and it flowed across the link effortlessly.
"Let us go to bed, my adun'a." Spock said, stroking her cheek and resting his forehead against hers. Through the link she felt...arousal. She smiled.
"Yes, my adun." she replied, tightening her arms around him.
_______________________________________________________________
Spock was already on the bridge when Nyota arrived to begin her first shift in four weeks. As soon as she stepped off the lift, all eyes on the bridge- including his- turned to her. This was not surprising- very few individuals knew all the details of what had happened to her the month before, and Spock was aware that there were many rumors circulating about it. Thankfully, most of those were false.
Nyota had written a full report on everything that had happened to her, and it was now filed away somewhere in some obscure Starfleet database. That part of her life was over with- and he was determined that nothing like that would ever happen to her again. Ever. Even if he had to forfeit his own life for hers. He would not fail her again- he refused to. He would rather suffer a thousand different forms of torture than allow anything to befall her.
He had gotten her back. Luck was illogical, but he believed that he must have much of it. And not only had he somehow managed to get her back- she was now his bond mate. She was his, completely and in every way. Whenever he needed her- and whenever she needed him- they would always be within reach, no matter how far apart they may be physically. He could feel her presence in the back of his mind, so soothing, so gentle, so comforting...
There was, however, one important issue he must still deal with. Nyota did not know...he had made sure she could not see this one worry in his mind, unless he chose to show her. He did not want her to know yet, because he knew she would feel guilty. He must take care of this one thing when his shift was over- his shift would end before hers, giving him plenty of time to take care of it.
Now, he watched as she sat at her station, and everyone else turned back to their own. It was pleasant to work with her again...whenever he wished, he could look over at her. Sometimes she had to bring him a report to sign. When she did, his fingers brushed against hers as she handed him a stylus and as he handed it back- accidentally, of course. They exchanged knowing looks whenever they caught each other's eye, and occasionally, Spock sent her a message through their link. Some of which made her skin darken as it flushed, and she would glare at him for distracting her.
Yes, it was going to be very pleasant working with her again.
___________________________________________________________
He was finally dismissed. Spock silently told Nyota that he would come to her quarters again tonight, and then he left the bridge.
He entered his quarters, and sat before his communications console. He commanded the computer to make contact with New Vulcan, and then he gave the specific destination. 1.8 minutes later an image appeared on his screen.
"Father." Spock said, bowing his head.
"Spock. I was not expecting a transmission from you so soon." Sarek replied. "Are you in need of further advisement?"
"No, Father. You were...quite correct in what you told me before." Spock decided that it was unnecessary to tell his father that he had not followed his advice when he should have. "Nyota and I have reconciled."
"It was only logical once you followed my advice." Sarek replied. Spock did not say anything to that. "However- I am sure that you did not contact me to inform me that you and Ms. Uhura are again content."
"No, Father, it would have been illogical to inform you of that which you already knew would occur." Spock replied. "There is something else I must tell you that is related to that subject."
"Proceed." Sarek said. Spock could not, of course, have any idea what Sarek was feeling at the moment- but if he were to hazard a guess, as humans said, he would guess that Sarek was suspicious. He did not blame him. He dreaded what he must tell him next.
"In order to facilitate our reconciliation, I decided it would be beneficial to initiate a mind meld. It would help me to better understand Nyota's ordeal, and would be far more effective than verbally discussing it. It was successful."
Sarek inclined his head, watching Spock, still wary. Mind melds were not uncommon, and there was nothing unethical about it unless it was done against the recipients' will. Spock took a breath before continuing. It was not the mind meld itself that he was concerned with.
"Before I could withdraw from Nyota's mind, she stopped me. She...asked me to bond with her at that time. She did not wish to wait. I was..overcome with both of our emotions at the time. I yielded."
Sarek's eyes widened a fraction of an inch. "Spock." he said, his voice deadly calm, cold. "Am I to understand that you bonded with her?"
"Yes, father. We are bonded." Spock replied. He wanted to look away from Sarek's eyes, but he found it impossible.
"Was it consummated?" His father now asked, his words more clipped than usual. Spock inwardly flinched. His father was angry. He was sure of it. He did not dare protest that the information he asked for was private.
"Yes." Spock replied quietly. Sarek did not say anything, his eyes penetrating Spock's. They did not betray his anger, but Spock knew that it was there. Sarek was furious- more furious than he had ever been.
"Spock. Do you realize what you have done?" Sarek asked calmly.
"Yes, Father." Spock replied. "We...eloped."
"Elopement is a human term." Sarek replied coldly. "What you have done is much worse. If you and Lieutenant Uhura had been willing to wait, I would have given you my permission. You could have come to New Vulcan for the bonding and wedding ceremonies. I would not have objected to the match. You know this?"
"Yes, Father." Spock replied.
"And yet you have initiated a bonding without a ceremony. No Elder to oversee it, to ensure that you did not harm her during the bonding. You could have killed her if you erred, Spock. You know this. And yet you bonded with her? This is illogic beyond illogical. You acted upon your emotions...you may have killed your mate. There has not been such a marriage within the S'chn T'Gai family in its entire existence. Even when I married your mother- a human- I observed the proper customs. What you have done is desecration to Vulcan tradition. Without the appropriate ceremonies, your marriage will not be recognized by me."
Spock listened to his father's every word, each one slicing through him more painfully than the last. Yes, he knew exactly what he had done. The only part he regretted was losing his father's approval.
"Spock, I have tolerated your decisions in the past. Your decision to join Starfleet instead of entering the Vulcan Science Academy. Your decision to stay in Starfleet instead of coming to New Vulcan. I have always fully believed that you should choose your own path. But I cannot condone a marriage so hastily made and without the respect due to your Vulcan ancestry. I take this as a personal affront to your Vulcan roots."
Spock inhaled deeply. He was finally able to tear his eyes away from his father's.
"I understand, Father." Spock replied. Sarek allowed his gaze to linger on Spock.
"It is my wish that you had not done this, Spock." he said. The connection was severed.
Spock closed his eyes, fighting back his sorrow. All he had ever wanted was to have his father's approval. It appeared he would never have it.
A/N: This poor couple can't get a break, can they?
I planned on having the 'essential' line in the last chapter, but I didn't add it for whatever reason...but that line explains the title. And I'll reveal a little more in the next chapter about why what Spock did is so bad.