I wanted to be more assertive.
If someone asked for my help, I needed to turn them down. No matter how much I wanted to give into their demands, I promised myself not to break our promise. It would not happen again… I was entirely in her debt. I reassured myself that I was repaying Enoshima-san and that any refusals were not entirely of my own choice.
That was one of the many thoughts that plagued my mind in the middle of the night, less than twelve hours until we would be able to fulfill our pinky promise of eating together. Like before, all sorts of fantasies invaded my head, of me and Enoshima-san chatting like old friends, giggling and interacting with each other. It…was unreal that I was soon going to have free time with another person. Social interaction for me was sparse, an alien ritual I observed other students engage in. To believe that I would have a normal conversation with another living being…one that didn't involve hurting me physically or mentally…was unrealistic and foreign…
I'll admit…I was afraid. What if Enoshima-san was like the others? Treating me with kindness and then acting cruelly at the worst possible time..? I lay in bed, the sheets pulled up to my chin, evaluating every single possible way it could go wrong. What if…what if I said something wrong and made Enoshima-san angry at me?
To you, it may seem strange that I fell in love so swiftly with a person I met only after a few days. Don't…take me the wrong way…I'm not trying to criticize you or anything…the best explanation I can give is that…I felt it. Enoshima-san caused all sorts of things to happen to me. My heartbeat…I began to notice the smaller things I would normally over look. Like the varying shades of green of the bushes or how the clouds drifted into different shapes over time. Many of these little things, I never took the time to reflect upon…I was too busy fretting over other people.
I awoke with a sensation in my body that I hadn't felt in a very long time. For a brief moment, the opinions of others didn't faze me. The only thing that mattered was how she thought of me. And so far, it seemed to be positive. Because of this…because Enoshima-san regarded me with such highness, I reflected this in my own self-image.
Getting out of bed, the first thing I did was amble into the bathroom of my room to peer in the mirror. My reflection stared shyly back at me, my hair messy and cut in all sorts of lengths. Compared to Enoshima-san, I was no beauty. Turning my head at different angles, I observed every flaw of my appearance. I hated it. I hated the color of my eyes, my mole underneath one. My nose looked crooked.
But…if Enoshima-san likes me…if she says that I am pretty…then perhaps it is the truth. I continued to stare at my reflection, mulling over the crazy idea that I was beautiful. I leaned over the counter for several minutes until I was satisfied that I convinced myself.
I started the day full of hope. No matter what anyone said…no matter what would happen…I was positive it would be a great afternoon with Enoshima-san.
Enoshima-san and I sat on the lawn, ironically, near the same place where some of my classmates pushed me into the mud a few days earlier. The afternoon was perfect; the sky clear and temperature moderate. Around us, other students busied themselves with their lunches or running around. Every so often, someone would yell at the rowdier students to calm down. None of this bothered us.
But, I was still troubled…
The picture-perfect lunch I imagined last night did not come true. Enoshima-san remained quiet almost the whole time, chewing silently. I noticed her lunch was quite sparse, possibly because she had to watch her weight as a model. I wanted to say something, maybe to share some food with her if she was still hungry, but I hesitated…
Enoshima-san stared straight ahead, a vacant expression plastered to her features. Perhaps she was lost in thought about something? Removing my attention from the side of her face, I turned to the direction she focused on to understand what perplexed her. A long time passed with us both absent-mindedly looking out into the distance.
I strained myself to say something. The sullen mood made my anxiety swell up, pushing me to say something, to ask if she was angry at me…
"E-E-Enoshima-san…" Instantly regretting my decision to speak, I brought both palms to my mouth. To my surprise, Enoshima-san glanced to her side at me, her countenance unchanged.
"…did I…do something wrong to make you upset…?" I continued.
She lowered her eating utensil on top of her lunch. "No," she murmured. "I have a lot on my mind today."
A person like me couldn't possibly understand the thoughts that went through her mind. I remembered what she explained to me in the infirmary, about how rough being a model was… and how she attracted unwanted attention. It was clearly obvious that she required some stillness to relieve her anxiety.
"I did not mean to be intrusive…" I replied. Her chest and shoulders heaved as she sucked in a lungful of air, letting it all out with a dainty sigh.
"No, it's all right. It's natural for you to be worried. I'm the one who should apologize. I didn't mean for our time today to be ruined by my silly thoughts." Her lips curved into a smile, reassuring me that she was not angry with me. I grinned back, thankful that I was not the source of her problems.
Either way, I did not pressure her to explain what was so bothersome. All I knew was that I was not the cause. In the end, lunch turned out to be better once Enoshima-san became her normal, sunny self. I questioned her about her food and she verified my suspicions, saying that it was difficult to watch her diet since she gets hungry easily. It confused me why she just didn't eat a bit more every so often, she could get away with it, but approaching the situation more would be too rude. She saved me from further embarrassment by asking what I thought of my new 'hair-cut' and if she did a satisfactory job. I said yes, thanking her repeatedly until she began to chuckle.
Several weeks passed in this fashion. Enoshima-san and I would eat lunch together on the lawn every other day. Steadily, our friendship grew closer to the point where I wasn't stuttering around her as much. I started to catch a few of her quirks, examining the way she moved her hands when telling me about something that made her emotional. Her habit of sticking out the tip of her tongue to lightly wet her lips when about to start a new topic in our conversations. When thinking, she fiddled with her hair by twirling locks around her index finger.
Spending time with her was what I appreciated the most. It did not matter if was raining or there was an exam, being by her side instantly cheered me up. I forgot about all the mean things people would say to me while passing by in the halls. Because none of it mattered… Enoshima-san valued my company and thought of me as a close friend. She would tell me that my shy personality was cute; I should never try to change myself if people told me to because I was pretty the way I am…
Many times my cheeks flushed at her comments. My stomach somersaulted. The only time I stuttered was when this happened. I could not imagine anyone…especially her…stating these types of statements to me. The more she complimented me, the more I began to believe her…
With each passing week, I grew fonder of her. Just recognizing her name on a piece of paper caused my heart to rapidly beat. It happened several times, to the point I thought I was getting physically ill…was it hypertension…could it have been my diet…? I did not want acknowledge the fact that I was in love with her, something more than a friendship. Someone like her would always be out of my reach. I never did question her about her love life either, so I guessed that she probably had a boyfriend already. It wouldn't be hard for her…why would she like me back anyway…we were both girls bound by friendship…
About a month after we first met, I was late to meeting her for lunch. Nervously spinning around in every direction, I called for her, worried that my tardiness might have upset her. I left the lawn, dashing to the main school building with my lunch flying in my hand. With gasping breaths, I searched for her.
I turned a corner, automatically noticing her poofy hair from the back. Taking a step forward, I began to call her name…but stopped.
She was with someone, speaking in hushed tones. Her back in front of me, I was not able to make out the person's entire details. except that they were male because of their low voice.
"I can't believe you're doing this," he grumbled.
"Ah, Masuda-kun, you should know better to trust me," Enoshima-san cooed. She strolled closer to him, her hair bobbing behind her.
"You know how much I've always loved you since we were little. But, I can't allow you to do it."
I frowned, inching closer to hear them but staying hidden against the side of the building.
"Why not? I just want to test it. I love you lots too!" Her pitch was squeaky, unlike the Enoshima-san I knew.
"That's the thing. I love you, but I also hate you at the same time…you've changed so much since entering this school…" He sighed, moving an arm to massage his temple.
"I feel more alive," Enoshima-san whispered. "Besides, you'll let me test it eventually. I love you so much and I only wanted to help you."
The arteries in my chest contracted and the acid from my stomach rose. Everything spun, the concrete, the trees.
My lunch dropped with a small clatter. Not able to handle what I over-heard, I ran away. I was instantly stopped, bumping into something solid and erect.
"E-excuse me…!" I blurted out.
"Were you listening to them?" Another unknown person. Her gray eyes followed me, a mechanical stoicism surrounded her figure.
"…yes," I admitted, not wishing to lie or instigate anything.
"My sister talks about you," the person continued, her words dry. "I should not be saying this to you. I think it's important that you know."
Silence.
"It's best if you didn't hang around her. She only creates trouble. You do not want to end up in the midst of anything she causes." Without an explanation, she bumped against my shoulder as she walked past me.
I remained in place, clenching my fists into tight balls trying to hold back my tears. Confused and distraught, I replayed the entire conversation I witnessed. It was true …she did have someone she liked... more than me…enough to break our promise without telling me.
I sniffed while mentally pushing away all the negativity. But reality kept rushing back to me, reminding me…scolding me for my feelings. Why don't I ever admit it..? Why do I keep telling myself that everything is fine when it isn't? Enoshima-san may have made changed me for the better, but I never will have the opportunity to repay her in the way I wanted to most.
At least…at least…I would become of some use to her…even if she shredded my heart, I still desired to be next to her, waiting for the day that I would be service to her.
My emotions didn't matter after all…