Void
A/N: For some reason, I seem to have veered back into writing in Syaoran's POV for the most part of the last two chapters. I intended it to be a mix of him and Sakura, but he appears to have taken over. How very strange. Never mind, we see quite a bit more of Sakura here.
A couple of thank yous:
1. To SilentCynara, for being wonderful enough to offer to beta read this fic for me. Your feedback was absolutely amazing, and you deserve a medal for taking on the task of trying to pull some sense out of my ramblings!
2. As always, to the reviewers: 103 reviews for four chapters is just amazing. I can't say how much I love reading all of your comments! And a special thanks to Mendeia for being my 100th reviewer!
I know a lot of you might consider this 'filler-ish', but I figured I needed to explore a bit more background, particularly with Tai. We should get Touya and Yukito next chapter, so hopefully that'll make up for it a bit! And Touya ain't gonna be happy …
Chapter Five: Butterflies
Tai was sitting at his table.
Syaoran stood in the queue at the till, silently fuming. If it wasn't bad enough that the man was dating Sakura and living the life he should have been living, the guy had also sat at the best table, his table – the one in the corner where he could see out of the window but also watch Sakura work (almost) inconspicuously.
And even worse, Sakura was standing by the table, talking away … she was smiling and giggling, and Tai looked totally relaxed and comfortable in her presence, something that Syaoran had never been able to achieve.
"Sir? Sir, can I take your order?"
He shook himself out of his stupor to see the girl behind the till staring at him as though he were prey. If he were any other guy, he would have registered that she was stunningly pretty. As it was, he couldn't care less. He rattled out his order as fast as he could, before thrusting the money at her.
"In a hurry?" she asked him with a smile, taking her time getting his change. "You look like the kind of person with important places to be."
He didn't like her smile – it was cold and too wide and just fake. Nothing like Sakura's.
"I'm fine," Syaoran mumbled, hearing Sakura's cheerful giggle behind him.
"You sure? You look like you could use some relaxation," the girl was saying, and he almost choked at her forwardness. "Maybe after you finish your coffee we could –"
"Shiori-chan!" another woman snapped angrily. "Break. Now."
"You're not in charge!" the pretty girl huffed.
"No, Sakura-chan is – want me to get her over here?"
Shiori pouted, beamed at Syaoran, then turned on her heel and flounced through the staff door.
"My apologies," the other woman smiled at him. "I'll bring your coffee right over."
Slightly dazed, Syaoran nodded before instinctively heading for his usual table. Then he remembered that Tai was there, and had to veer to the left. Unfortunately, this meant he ended up closer to the happy couple than he really wanted to be – it could get awkward if Sakura saw him. Not to mention that he was near enough to hear everything they were saying.
"Come out with me tonight," Tai was pleading, tugging on her hands like a puppy. "Come on, you know you want to!"
Sakura giggled. "We shouldn't, not tonight – I have to be here at six tomorrow morning, and you, Mr. Journalist, have a deadline."
"What's one night going to hurt?" he asked her. "Come on, we'll just go for dinner and a movie. I'm not saying we should stay out clubbing until two a.m.!"
She appeared to think his offer over. "Movie, no dinner."
"Movie, and we get ice cream on the walk home."
"Deal," she agreed happily, leaning down to sneak a quick kiss when she thought no one was looking. But Syaoran was. It turned his stomach, but he just couldn't stop.
It was the strangest thing to watch – in a way he felt like he was violating her, intruding on such a private moment. But he'd never been able to kiss her, and he just couldn't help being curious. Of course, when they were twelve it hadn't been much of a problem (back then kissing had consisted of a peck on the cheek and then running away from each other). But looking at her now just made him feel like he had yet another loss to add to his list. He couldn't help but wonder what she kissed like, even though it felt wrong to even think about it when she was sitting eight feet away with her boyfriend. Once again he felt anger for the man kissing her building up inside him, even though he knew it wasn't right, wasn't fair.
How would it feel to hold her and kiss her, to have her kiss him back and know that she loved him? What had Tai done to deserve it – and what had he, Syaoran, done that was bad enough to mean he could never have it?
"I tried to stop him sitting there," a voice announced, as his coffee and croissant were placed on the table in front of him. "But he just thought I was being weird."
Syaoran looked up at the woman who had saved him earlier. He blinked in confusion.
"Tai-kun," she explained, thinking he didn't understand. "Everyone knows that's your table, and I tried to save it for you. Even Sakura-chan didn't really want him sitting there – I mean she didn't say anything, but it was pretty obvious."
"… I'm sorry, who are you?" Syaoran asked blankly.
The woman beamed at him. "Suzuki Hana. Nice to meet you."
"Charmed," Syaoran nodded, still confused.
"Don't worry, she'll come around," Hana continued brightly. "It's obvious she likes you."
"I – what … I mean, what are you …"
Hana smiled. "Trust me."
Then she walked off, leaving a thoroughly bemused Syaoran in her wake.
His head fell to the table in disbelief. Even people who didn't know him seemed to think he should be getting together with Sakura.
"You're gonna get a mark on your head if you stay like that."
Syaoran's head shot up so fast he felt something pull in his neck, and he clapped a hand to it in pain.
"Oh, are you okay? I didn't mean to make you jump," Sakura fussed.
"It's fine," he muttered, and he started to wonder just how many more surprises he would be able to take that day.
"I just wanted to say hi," Sakura continued happily, "I didn't see you come in, I was …"
"Busy," he supplied.
"Um, yeah," she agreed, blushing slightly. "Look, I just wanted to say thank you, again, and … well, just see if you had any ideas. About what I should do, I mean."
He looked up at her, not wanting to tell her that he'd been up all night scouring what little resources he had with him in search of some kind of solution. He'd come up empty handed, of course, but that didn't mean he was totally out of ideas.
"There is one thing I thought of," Syaoran said, being careful to keep his voice down. "Have you done a reading with your cards?"
She looked at him blankly for a second, then slapped a hand to her forehead. "Of course, why didn't I think of that before? I used it once when my brother was missing – it was back when I captured Mirror and she took my form and caused all sorts of trouble …"
He let her continue along that line for a couple of minutes, knowing he couldn't tell her that he'd been there; that he'd been the one who'd helped her find her brother.
"… So I know they can work, if I use them right. Why don't you come over and I'll do it tonight?" Sakura suggested, looking excited at the prospect. "Tomoyo-chan will be there – she might want to film it, but we can just ignore her – and so will Kero-chan and I can get Yue-san if we need him. What do you think?"
"I didn't mean to overhear," he said slowly. "But … don't you have a date tonight?"
Sakura's face fell. "… Oh."
"We can do it another night," he assured her, hating it when she lost her smile like that. "Tomorrow, if you want."
"Oh, but …" She looked upset now, and was twisting her hands anxiously. "It's not a problem, I mean I can cancel the date. It's not a big thing. I just really want to get started on doing something, you know? I think I'll feel better if I'm actually trying to solve the problem. Plus you've been so kind to me … I don't want to take up any more of your time than I have to. I should try to sort this as soon as possible."
Syaoran sighed heavily – he felt as though he was being tested sometimes. Here he had the perfect opportunity to ruin her date, and the selfish side of him wanted to ruin it, so she would spend the night with him, where she should be.
But Tai made her happy. She'd smiled and laughed when he'd spoken to her of going out – and she needed that right now. She needed to have fun with someone, not sit around musing over her problems.
"No," he said firmly. "No, don't cancel it. We'll do it tomorrow."
"But –"
"It's fine," insisted Syaoran. "If anything, it works out better that way. I'm having some books imported from Hong Kong that I think might help, and they should be here tomorrow. I can bring them with me and we'll look them over."
"You've imported books from Hong Kong?" she asked in awe.
He blushed again, hating moments like this when it would be obvious to anyone other than her that he worshipped her.
"Oh, you are just … you're so kind, Syaoran-kun!" she gushed, looking happier than he'd seen her since he'd arrived. A little, tiny bit of the old light was back in her eyes. "I can't help but feel like everything will be all right, now you're here!"
"It will be," he mumbled, feeling embarrassed. "You'll do your reading, and some of the books I'm getting sent actually belonged to Clow, so I'm sure there'll be something in there to help us. We'll fix this."
Tears welled up in her eyes, and suddenly Sakura leapt forward and flung her arms around him. "Oh thank you, thank you," she said tearfully, squeezing him tightly. "You have no idea how much this means to me …"
"I-It's just a – a few books …" he stammered, wondering why on earth she was overreacting so much. Over her shoulder he could see that Tai had straightened up in his chair, and he was watching them out of the corner of his eye.
"No it's not," she sniffed, "It's … oh, I know it sounds stupid, but you make me feel like … like I'm not alone any more."
"I –" Syaoran paused, not knowing what to say. "You've never been alone."
"Yes I have," she whispered, her breath soft against his neck. "I've been so lonely …"
She stopped herself short, her eyes suddenly widening in horror as she pulled away from him, her hands clasped to her mouth in shock. "I-I'm sorry," she stuttered, looking mortified. "I'm so sorry, I don't know why I …"
"It's okay," Syaoran replied gruffly, hoping he was returning to his normal colour. "You're just … under a lot of pressure."
"Yes, that … must be it …" she said slowly, looking a little lost.
He swallowed the remains of his coffee (scalding his tongue in the process), deciding to make the situation a little easier for her by leaving. "I should go – so I'll see you tomorrow?"
Sakura nodded frantically, still able to muster up a smile for him.
He tried to smile back. "See you then. And …" The next words were going to kill him. "Have fun tonight."
"Bye …" she called, waving slightly.
Syaoran could feel Tai's livid gaze boring into him as he walked through the door.
xxx
Sakura yelped in surprise as she felt a muffin make contact with the back of her head.
"Hoeee!" she wailed, rounding on her attacker. "Hana-chan, what did you do that for?"
Hana beamed at her. "You're dreaming. Again. And if we don't get this till cashed up you are gonna be late for your date."
"Oh … sorry," Sakura apologised, feeling embarrassed. She'd lost count of the number of times her thoughts had drifted off that day.
"Come on, focus," Hana grinned, snapping her fingers in front of Sakura's face. "Kenji-san will be back tomorrow, so if you mess up he's gonna know about it." Hana watched her friend as she accessed the management functions on the till, a slow smile spreading over her face. "So … what's caught your attention?" she asked cheekily.
"Nothing!" Sakura denied hastily.
Hana laughed triumphantly. "Oh my God, you love him!"
"I do not!" Sakura cried, shaking her head back and forth. "I barely know the guy!"
"Then tell me you haven't been thinking about him all day."
Sakura opened her mouth, then closed it again.
Hana popped a piece of biscotti in her mouth, announcing, "And thus my point is proven."
"I do not love him," Sakura said slowly.
"But you feel something for him."
She wanted to deny it – she'd feel so much better if she could just say it wasn't true and mean it. But when she'd hugged him … both today and the day before … she'd just felt warmth erupt within her, spreading across every inch of her skin and making her feel safe and wanted and loved … he made her heart beat faster and she got this strange, jumpy feeling in her stomach …
"You've really got it bad, haven't you?"
Sakura took her apron off and threw it at Hana's head.
xxx
"I'm thinking about approaching the article with a lighter tone, you know – I mean, everyone's sick of hearing doom and gloom prophecies about global warming. I figure if I put a sort of fun spin on recycling, then people …"
Tai trailed off, seeing that his girlfriend was staring off into space again.
"Oi," he smiled, nudging her lightly. "Your ice cream's melting."
Sakura's eyes widened as she realised how rude she was being. "Oh, sorry … what were you saying?" she asked distractedly, licking up the drops of ice cream running down her cone.
"Just … nothing important," Tai sighed. "Are you okay? You've been … out of it all night."
"I'm fine!" she insisted brightly. "I'm just … thinking a little too much, I guess."
"Not about good things. You start frowning every time you drift off into space," he pointed out.
"I do?" Sakura asked worriedly, rubbing at her forehead as if trying to erase frown lines.
Tai laughed heartily, tugging her hand away and kissing it gallantly. "You are just too cute."
She blushed furiously.
Tai kept hold of her hand, swinging it slightly as they continued their walk towards her apartment building. "So …" Tai began, trying desperately to sound casual. "I see Tomoyo-chan's friend's still in town?"
"Tomoyo-chan's … oh!" Sakura nodded in understanding. "You mean Syaoran-kun?"
Tai frowned. "You two are on a first name basis?"
"Well, he told me to call …" Sakura trailed off, realising for the first time that it was a little odd that Syaoran had asked her to address him by his first name when they barely knew each other. She hadn't questioned it at the time – she didn't want to question it now. It just felt right; she couldn't imagine having to call him 'Li-kun'.
"So you're close?" Tai prodded further.
"No, we're … I don't know what we are," she replied vaguely, only just realising how true that was. She felt so comfortable with him sometimes that she forgot they'd only known each other a week or so. "We're barely even friends."
"You hugged him."
Sakura blushed, realising Tai had obviously misinterpreted her emotional outburst that day. "He's helping me with something."
"What?" he asked curiously.
"I –"
"Sorry, I'm prying," Tai cut in, seeing that he was on the verge of interrogating her – and he didn't want to be like that. He put an arm round her by way of an apology, and tried to ignore how she stiffened beneath his touch. "I don't mean to sound like the jealous boyfriend."
"There's nothing to be jealous of," Sakura insisted kindly. "I know it looks a little weird, but I barely know the guy."
She tried not to sound sad when she said it.
"I know," Tai agreed, as they rounded the corner and started to climb the steps of her building. "I guess I just don't want to lose you …" They were at the top now, and he pulled her to him in a hug. "You're amazing, Kinomoto Sakura."
Sakura blushed, at that moment feeling wholly undeserving of his admiration and affection. As though he sensed this, Tai caught her under the chin, making her look at him.
"Something's bothering you," he announced softly. "You might not want to tell me what it is, but … I just want to make you feel better."
She knew it was coming, and so she stood still and let him kiss her. It was soft, and gentle, and perfectly acceptable. So she let it continue for a while. He nudged open her mouth with his tongue, and she waited for the rush to come … but it didn't. It never did.
She could deal with this. She didn't feel how she was supposed to feel, but she was happy to let it carry on for a while because that's what girlfriends did.
He moved his mouth to the corner of her lips, across her jaw line, down her neck, and that horrible feeling started up in her stomach again. That deep, painful ache she always got when this happened, this terrible feeling of guilt and the sense that something wasn't right … but she breathed deeply, desperately wanting to get over these emotions, wanting to be a normal girl at the end of a normal night with her boyfriend …
Encouraged by her response – Sakura had usually pushed him away by now – Tai moved his hands a little higher on her body. One slipped under her t-shirt, coming to rest on the warm skin of her back, while the other came up to cup her breast –
In a flash she'd pushed him away from her, staggering back until she hit the wall, her hand clasped to her mouth as she gasped for breath.
Tai looked at her with wide eyes, before reaching out to her worriedly. "Sakura, are you okay –"
She recoiled from his touch, shaking her head frantically. Tai drew back, knowing he could do nothing except wait it out. This had happened before.
He watched miserably as Sakura slid to the floor, taking deep breaths. At first Tai thought she must have had some sort of awful incident in her past that caused what he could only describe as anxiety attacks, but she'd insisted that wasn't the case. He couldn't explain it, and neither could she. All he could do was wait it out as she let him get a little bit further each time … and he was willing to wait. She was worth it, in his eyes.
Tai sank to the floor beside her, careful to keep his distance. "You okay?" he asked gently.
Sakura nodded, although her eyes were still closed.
"Look, I'm sorry, I just …" Tai fumbled awkwardly. "You know I'd never force you to do something you weren't ready for, right?" She didn't answer, and panic started to well up in his chest. "Sakura?"
"… I know."
"Okay," he sighed. "I just thought … I don't know. You've been so distant and I …"
"Just because I'm not ready for this yet doesn't mean I'm distant," Sakura said gently, finally getting her breath back.
"I didn't mean with this, I meant … just generally," he explained. "Every time we're together I feel like your mind is somewhere else."
"… I don't do it on purpose."
"I know you don't," Tai hurried to assure her. "Just … tell me. Tell me what's bothering you."
You're not the one I'm supposed to be with.
She stomped on that thought as quickly as it came. She didn't know where they came from, but thoughts like that kept popping up all the time, against her will.
"I don't know. I don't know what it is. But I'll try harder to get over it. I promise, Tai-kun," she said, desperately meaning every word. She felt a rush of affection for the man who was trying to hard to be patient with her, and she sidled closer to him, carefully resting her head on his shoulder. "I want to be happy with you."
I just want to be happy again.
xxx
"Tomoyo-chan?" Sakura called softly, not wanting to wake her friend if she was asleep. "Tomoyo-chan, are you awake?"
"In the kitchen," Tomoyo replied, sticking her head through the door and waving. "How was your night?"
"It was …" Sakura fumbled for words, gave up, then sat herself at the kitchen table.
"That great, huh?" Tomoyo grinned. "You want a cup of tea before you crawl into bed? You look like you could sleep for a thousand years."
"I feel like it," Sakura replied grimly. "But tea would be great."
Tomoyo smiled happily, starting to move round the kitchen. "How was the movie?"
"Movie?" Sakura echoed. She'd been so distracted through the entire film – thinking about Syaoran, and the Void, and Syaoran, and the reading tomorrow, and Syaoran – that she doubted she'd even be able to tell Tomoyo the name of it. "Oh … it was okay, I guess."
Tomoyo tutted knowingly, but didn't say anything – the two friends just stayed in companionable silence.
Sakura broke it suddenly. "Tomoyo-chan?"
"Hmm?"
"What do you think of Tai-kun?" she asked anxiously.
Tomoyo frowned, turning away from the kettle and looking at her friend curiously. "I like him Sakura-chan, you know that. He's a good guy."
"I know, but I meant more …" Sakura paused, searching for the right words. "What do you think of Tai-kun … and me?"
"As a couple?" Tomoyo asked.
Sakura nodded.
"Oh, I don't know, Sakura-chan …" Tomoyo replied vaguely, not really wanting to answer that question. She wanted Syaoran and Sakura to be together, but not at the expense of Tai's feelings. Still, she supposed it couldn't be helped. One of them had to get hurt in the end – the important thing was for her to do her best not to influence her friend's decisions. All she wanted was the best for her.
"As long as you're happy with him, then I would consider Tai-kun a good partner for you. Why, is something wrong?"
"Oh, no!" Sakura cried, not wanting to worry Tomoyo. "Nothing like that!"
"Sakura-chan," she said warningly. "We've been best friends since we were five, don't even try it."
"Nothing's wrong, I just …" Sakura protested – but she needed to talk to someone about it before she went crazy. "He kissed me outside."
Tomoyo giggled. "I should hope so, he's your boyfriend!"
"And he … well, his hands were …" Sakura swallowed, finding the situation a thousand times more embarrassing that she thought she would. "Oh, I don't know …"
Suddenly, Tomoyo was livid. "Did he touch you? Did he force himself on you? Oh my … I'm gonna tear him limb from limb … where's Kero-chan – actually forget that, I'm calling Touya-san –"
"No, Tomoyo-chan, it wasn't like that!" Sakura called frantically, frightened by the murderous gleam in her friend's eyes. "I mean, he stopped the second I told him to –"
Tomoyo narrowed her eyes. "You're sure?"
"Yes!" Sakura nodded desperately.
"… Okay." In an instant, Tomoyo had calmed down and was smiling kindly at her. "So what's the problem?"
"I just … I mean, when guys … do that …" Sakura swallowed, blushing hotly. "I mean, shouldn't I have … oh, this is so embarrassing!"
"It's me," Tomoyo said gently.
Sakura took a deep breath, before blurting out, "Aren't I supposed to like it? At least a little? Because I didn't, not at all, I just felt strange and uncomfortable and … oh, maybe something's wrong with me!"
"Nothing is wrong with you!" Tomoyo insisted doggedly.
"Tomoyo-chan, I'm twenty-two years old!" cried Sakura, tugging at her hair miserably. "And I've never done anything … you know …"
"There's nothing wrong with that!" Tomoyo protested.
"Of course there isn't!" Sakura agreed, her voice trembling slightly. "But … but I'm not this way through choice, I just … I don't get it. I've met so many nice guys, but none of them … why don't I have butterflies? Why don't I want to spend time with them … why does everything feel so forced?"
"Sakura-chan …" Tomoyo felt the usual worry for her friend crawl its way up into her chest. "Sakura-chan, you know you don't have to have a boyfriend – you shouldn't be forcing yourself to do something you're not comfortable with …"
"But I don't know what else to do!" Sakura replied shakily. "I just … don't you ever feel like something's missing, Tomoyo-chan? Or is it just me? Because there's this … this big empty space in me and it's cold and it hurts, and I know I'm not making any sense, but I know … I know if I could find the person who gives me butterflies and makes me feel something … if I could find him I know the space would go away, and then … and then I wouldn't be so cold …"
Her voice broke on the last word, and Tomoyo hurriedly knelt down by her chair and took her hands. "Sakura-chan …" she said gently. "Love isn't always about the butterflies and silly romantic notions. It can be boring as hell sometimes."
"Sometimes. With me it's all the time," Sakura said, on the verge of tears. "I – I just don't get it … it's like I'm broken."
Tomoyo sighed shakily – she'd had this conversation with Sakura so many times, and every time it broke her heart. "Maybe you just haven't found the one yet," she suggested, just like she always did. What else could she say?
"Maybe," Sakura agreed, but she didn't look convinced.
Suddenly an idea struck Tomoyo, and she asked, "So no one's ever given you butterflies. Ever?"
"No, I –" Sakura stopped abruptly.
… He made her heart beat faster and she got this strange, jumpy feeling in her stomach …
Tomoyo smiled knowingly. "So there is someone?"
Sakura looked up at her, and knew from the smile on her face that Tomoyo somehow knew exactly who she'd been thinking of. "How is it you know these things before even I figure them out?"
She shrugged. "I'm your best friend."
"L-Look, that's doesn't matter …" Sakura stammered, feeling her cheeks start to heat up. "I'm with Tai-kun now …"
"I know," Tomoyo smiled gently. "I'm just saying … you're not broken."
Of course I'm not, the voice in her head replied. I couldn't feel the way I feel around Syaoran if I was broken.
Sakura's eyes widened in horror, and she desperately tried to shove that thought out of her mind. She wasn't supposed to be thinking things like that, not about a guy she'd only known for a couple of weeks. Not when she had a boyfriend.
She couldn't help it though. Just thinking about Syaoran made her feel warmer.