Steve walked down the corridor of the hospital toward Carly's room with Danny beside him. Craig was standing outside the door and opened it, notifying everyone inside that he was back.
He stood outside as Jason and Jules came out. He got a glimpse of Carly as she looked back at him just before the door closed. It was too quick to even decipher what the expression was. He couldn't believe she was in there and he was standing out here. He felt the room closing in on him again when Jason put a hand on his shoulder.
"Are you ok? We were worried about you, but Danny assured us that you just needed to get your head around it and you'd be back."
"I shouldn't have taken off like that, I'm sorry. It won't happen again."
Jules put an arm around his waist, "It was understandable. No one blames you."
He hugged her back and spoke to Jason and Craig. "How is she?"
Mary came out just then and he moved his body so he could see around Craig inside the room, but Carly was facing the window and he couldn't get a good look at her. "How is she?" he asked Mary this time.
She wiped her nose with a tissue and her eyes showed that she'd been crying recently. "She's scared. She's confused. She can't remember anything."
"She remembers you," Steve corrected. "She kept asking me to go get her Mom and Dad."
Jason looked disappointed, "She doesn't really. She knows who we are. She knows we're Mom and Dad but when the doctor asked her to describe the house she grew up in, the same one we have lived in for thirty-five years," he sighed. "She described your house, all the way down to the ocean in the backyard."
He shook his head, "I don't understand. How does she remember my house but she doesn't remember me or what happened in it?"
Mary's eyes started to well up again. "She doesn't even remember Karen."
"She asked if she had a husband." Jason said.
"What?!" Steve practically yelled, "Of all people, she remembers Allan?!"
"No!" Jules quickly corrected. "She just asked that was all."
He rubbed his hands over his face, knowing he should have felt something about that, but at the moment he was as confused as she was. "What did the doctor say about all this? How long does it last? Will she come out of it?"
"You're asking all the same questions we did. They took her in for a more thorough CAT scan earlier. We have an appointment with him in about an hour to discuss it and he said he'd try to answer any questions we had at that time. He wanted to consult with some specialists before he met with us. He did say he'd heard of this happening before to victims of extreme trauma but he's never experienced it firsthand."
Steve sighed, looking at the closed door. "I want to go in and see her."
Jason contemplated that while Mary spoke up, "No, not yet. I think it's too soon." She saw the disappointment in his eyes, "Just give it some time Steven."
He wondered why it was just him that was denied. The others had been in there to see her, why was he being excluded? "Did you tell her about me? Who I am?" he saw she and Jason exchange an uncomfortable glance between them. It didn't sit well with him.
"Yes," Mary said, "to an extent. We just don't want to push her too quickly. She has so much to deal with right now."
"To an extent?" he asked, "What does that mean? Does she know how much I love her? Did you tell her that we've known each other for seventeen years? Does she know that I'd do anything in this world to protect her and that I would never hurt her?" He felt Danny reach out and grip his arm as he became defensive. "Did you tell her that she felt the same way about me?"
Danny pulled on his arm as his voice escalated, "Hey, calm down! You're not helping the situation."
He looked at him, "I want to see her!"
"You will!" He let go of him and motioned with his hand for him to calm, "You have to see this from Carly's point of view too. She obviously has some serious issues going on. I agree with Mary, you can't just walk in there and start filling her in on her life story. Patience buddy, patience."
"I am going to see her though." It was more of a statement than a question.
Danny looked at the others, "Of course."
Jason reassured him. "We're not trying to keep you from her son. We're just trying to introduce things to her slowly. She is aware of you and we told her that she came here to Hawaii to be with you." He and Mary gave each other that look once again.
"You're not telling me everything," Steve complained, wishing they would just be honest with him.
Jules stepped up, "Carly's hesitant about seeing you right now. She didn't say she didn't want to see you at all…" she quickly explained, "I think she's just really nervous about talking with you."
That hurt almost as much as the scared expression on her from earlier. The last thing he wanted to do was frighten her, or worse yet, force himself on her. He was going to have to wait again. He rubbed the back of his neck, trying to ease some of the tension build up. "Ok," he reluctantly agreed, "I'll wait."
"Don't go anywhere because we'd like you to be there when we meet with the doctor," Mary announced. She gently rubbed his arm and then turned and went back into the room.
He looked inside and this time Carly stared back at him as her Mother and Father went in. It felt surreal to be standing there having her look at him as if she were looking at a complete stranger. He on the other hand saw her as only he could, his beautiful Carly. She would never be anything but that to him, no matter what.
Just before the door closed he saw a smile slowly emerge on her face, directed at him. He smiled back just in time before it closed. It gave him the extra boost he needed.
Carly looked at her Father as he came toward her. "He came back?"
"Of course he did."
She looked at the closed door, feeling bad for him. He had been so distraught when he had been there earlier. She felt guilty over not wanting to see him but she just didn't know what to say. She didn't know why she couldn't remember him.
'Steve,' she said to herself, 'Steve,' she repeated over and over, trying to find a familiarity with him, with any of them. She looked at her Mother and knew inside she was her Mother. She did remember being young sitting on the porch eating popsicles with her. That faint memory helped, but the questions they asked her and the looks on their faces from her answers told her things weren't getting better. The wounds on her belly were excruciatingly painful. She didn't understand why they wouldn't tell her who the person was that did this to her and why? What had she done to make someone so angry with her? It all felt like a dream. She was surrounded by people who obviously cared for her, but the security she should have felt with them just didn't exist. It was almost easier when they weren't there, but when she was alone, the loneliness that engulfed her was staggering. It was a vicious snake that wrapped around her and she couldn't find the head or tail of it.
Jason sat next to the bed, seeing once again his little girl cower over what he could only imagine was going through her mind. He put his hand on the mattress. "I know this is all hard for you Carly. I can't imagine how confused and frightened you must be. But you have to trust the people that are in this room and the one's out there too, especially Steve. Please don't make him wait too long before you see him."
"Jason!" Mary scolded him. "Don't push her."
"I'm not pushing her," he defended, looking back at Carly. "He loves you and you love him too, very much. You told me that."
"I don't know what to say to him," she said quietly, fresh tears welling in her eyes. "How can I talk to him like I love him when I don't feel that? I don't remember how I was with him. What if I say something to make him angry or I'm not the person he knows." She started to cry, "I don't feel safe anywhere! I want to remember everyone, but I can't!" she began to get hysterical. "I feel like I don't even know myself or why I'm here! Please tell me why I'm here?" She pulled the blanket down, "Who did this to me?! What if they come here?!"
"He won't honey," her Mother cried, trying to console her as her Father did the same.
"He's dead Carly." Her father said, gripping her hand, "he's dead and he won't ever hurt you again. No one will hurt you."
"You're safe here darling," Mary said, smoothing her hair back wanting that terrified look on her baby's face to disappear. "There's nothing to be afraid of."
"I don't want to see anyone," Carly panted, her eyes darting back and forth between them. "I want to go home," she cried, picturing the house by the ocean. "I want to go home!"
Mary leaned over hugging her as Carly sobbed repeating it over and over.
"I want to go home!"
Steve sat with Mary and Jason in Dr. Caldwell's office. He turned his laptop around showing a man on the screen as he Skyped the meeting.
"This Dr. Warenthal. He's head of the Neurological department at John Hopkins hospital in Baltimore. If you are not familiar with John Hopkins, it's the best teaching hospital in the country for educating students on the newest and most up to date medical practices. I contacted Dr. Warenthal because of his knowledge of Carly's condition. He's done several studies on the issue and I hoped he could shed some light on this diagnose for us."
The older man on the screen had a neatly trimmed white beard and brown-rimmed glasses that seemed several years out of date, but the brown eyes behind them seemed kind and gentle even before he spoke. The voice mirrored the eyes. "Hello. It's a pleasure to meet you." He used the computer in his own office back in Baltimore, seeing Steve, Jason and Mary through the live meeting.
Dr. Caldwell made introductions of who was who before they began.
"I'm very sorry for this tragic event that you are experiencing," Dr. Warenthal began. "Dr. Caldwell sent me Carly's file and I must say what she is experiencing in the aftermath of her attack is a textbook diagnose of Retrograde Amnesia were the patient is exposed directly or in-directly; and in this instance very directly, to a traumatic event that causes the brain to shut down certain areas. RA can occur without any physical damage to the brain. I did look over her recent CAT scan and did not see that the diencephalon or the temporal lobes were affected due to the blood and oxygen loss that Carly had during her cardiac arrest, which leaves me to believe she is experiencing psychogenic amnesia or psychogenic fatigue.
It often occurs due to a traumatic situation that the individual wishes to consciously or unconsciously avoid. The onset of this diagnose can be what they call the 'situation amnesia', where Carly would only choose to withdraw from the single event of the attack from her ex husband, but in her case she has 'global amnesia', where she has forgotten long-term history. It's very rare but does exist. We've recently over the past few years begun the research to investigate the effects of stress and fear-inducing situations with the onset of RA and the global effect. The good news is that she can create new memories and the even better news is that the amygdala, which is a gland located deep within the temporal lobe can be effected by emotional stimuli, revoking the RA and bringing the patient back to not an always full recovery," he pointed out, "but over time a partial recovery of past memories."
Steve leaned forward in his chair, resting his elbows on his knees, "So this is temporary and in order to get her back to the life and reality she knows we should fill her in on her past? Is that what you mean by emotional stimuli?" he asked.
"No," Dr. Warenthal explained, "When someone is suffering from RA, their memory cannot simply be recovered by being told about personal experiences or filling in the blanks, so to say. They need what is called reminder effect or reminder treatment. This consists of re-exposing Carly to past personal information not just telling her about it. Just telling her has no specific bearings on her recovery; all she's doing then is creating new memories. She needs to remember on her own. Fortunately, memory loss can be and usually is recovered due to, 'spontaneous recovery'. You might have heard of this recently because it is associated quite frequently with childhood abuse and the victim shutting down the event to avoid the painful memories. The same is happening with Carly, only her abuse was the attack and stabbing."
Jason reached over taking Mary's hand, "So it is possible she will regain her memory, we just need to reminder her physically rather than verbally?"
Dr. Warenthal nodded, "I do believe when she is ready and with the proper emotional stimuli, then yes, she will regain the majority of her memory lapse. The events of the night of her incident may or may not return, that will be entirely up to Carly. The brain is a magnificent computer, if you will, that cannot be manipulated as most people think. We can make minor adjustments here and there, but when it comes to the memory it's at the will of the individual owner. It's fascinating!" His expression showed his own enthusiasm on the subject, clearly showing why he was in the field of study he was.
Steve sat back in the chair, "She doesn't recall me or other friends that she's known for seventeen years. The only thing she seems familiar with is my house here in Hawaii, which she's only lived in for barely three months."
"Your home must have been very important to her, and regardless of what happened there she still must consider it safe and a source of security. That's a very powerful memory," the doctor smiled knowingly. "And so the spontaneous recovery has already begun."
The three of them looked at each other and smiled, feeling for the first time the slightest hope of her recovery.
Mary reached over and took Steve's hand squeezing it; "You must have made her very happy there."
He knew she was, because he had felt the same way. They were happy, ecstatically happy. After hearing the doctor clarify what she needed he couldn't help but chuckle over Danny's same diagnosis. He couldn't tell her they were madly in love once, which would go against what the doctor suggested. He needed to show her all over again just how happy she could be with him. He spoke to Jason and Mary both, "I want to see her."
Steve stood outside Carly's door and took in a deep breath letting it out slowly, knowing just how important this reunion was going to be with her. He had already startled her earlier and needed to ease her away from that and at the same time regain the trust she once had with him. If she didn't respond to him positively after this greeting then he wasn't sure what his next step would be or if she would ever respond to him. He took in another deep breath reminding himself once again that it was just Carly.
He opened the door and only went in halfway as she turned to look at him.
"Hi," he said, "Is it ok if I come in?"
Her parents had told her it was time to see him and she reluctantly agreed, knowing she couldn't put it off forever. She swallowed down the dryness in her throat and nodded, using the blanket on her bed as a kind of shield.
He came in and slowly walked toward her, letting the door close on its own. She looked nervous so he kept a distance, just wanting to make his presence known to her and to let her know she had nothing to fear from him. "Hi Carly," he smiled, "I'm not going to stay long. I know you're tired. I just want to know if you need anything? Or if there's anything I can do for you?"
She let the tight grip loosen on the blanket, not expecting that. She wasn't sure what to expect from him but had hoped he wouldn't try to kiss her again. She stared at him knowing she had a history with him. She was afraid that he would begin to fill her in on their past, maybe even intimate details, like it would suddenly make a difference on how she felt lying there. But to her relief, he didn't. He didn't seem to want to talk about it either, which in turn calmed her. "No, I don't need anything," she said quietly.
He nodded, "Okay." He pulled out a piece of paper from his shorts pocket. "I wrote down my cell phone number," he walked to the table by her bed and set it down, "just in case you need anything or…" he didn't know where he was going with that and felt he was repeating himself, "or whatever. You can call me anytime. If you need something." This was going to be harder than he thought, it already felt extremely awkward and his insides were churning and twisting. He was blowing it. She seemed tense as he approached her and it made him nervous. She was not at all relaxed as she practically hid behind the blanket. She wasn't responding the way he had hoped. "Okay," he said again, feeling heartbroken, cursing himself for not giving her more time. "I'm going to go." He gave it one last attempt, "Is it ok if I come back again?"
She could see the uneasiness all over him. He fumbled for words and it finally dawned on her how horrible it must be for him as well. She had been so preoccupied with her own anxiety over meeting with him that she never considered what he must be going through, until that very second. She saw it all over his face. He was trying to make the best out of a bad situation for her sake but the disappointment in his eyes from her lack of response was unmistakable.
He looked away from her as she just stared at him. He felt like he didn't belong there. She didn't answer his question, which led him to believe she didn't want him to come back. It couldn't have gone any worse. He turned to leave when she finally said something.
"My dad said you're a police officer." She didn't know why she said that but it was the only thing she could think of at the moment that she really knew about him and she didn't want him to leave without having some kind of conversation with him. She knew she owed him at least that.
He smiled, "Yes. I am." It wasn't the intimate conversation he was hoping for, but it was something so he went with it. "I have been for about three years. I actually work more for the Governor of Hawaii than for the regular police department." He regretted saying that, hoping she wouldn't see him as being full of himself, he just wanted to keep the conversation going.
Carly smiled, "That's an important job. You must be very good at it." She let go of the blanket all together and pushed herself up just slightly. She winced from the pain in her stomach and Steve instantly reacted to it.
He moved toward her, "Are you ok?" He took her by the elbow to help her. It was natural to him. She may not know who he was but she was his Carly and he loved her beyond words. Seeing her in any kind of pain made him react without thinking. "Here," he took the pillow above her head and placed it under her arm for support. "Is that better?"
"Yes," she said, looking up at him as he let go of her.
"Sorry," he apologized for what he felt like was an invasion of her space.
"It's all right. It is more comfortable. Thank you." He was attractive; there was no doubt about that, and tall. She thought he looked strong but his touch was gentle, the same as his demeanor toward her. She wondered if he was always like that. "I'm sorry that I don't remember you," she blurted out, "I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings," She felt like she owed him an apology as well.
God she was killing him. She laid there looking at him with so much sincerity in her voice. She was so beautiful he could have just stood there all day looking at her. He wanted to kiss her and tell her that he loved her so much and that nothing would ever come between them. Not even this. "Don't feel bad Carly, please," he said, "this wasn't your fault. Everyone here just wants what's best for you. We want you to be happy, so please don't let yourself feel bad by not remembering. It's ok. We'll all work through it."
Her father told her he was a good man; she could see that in him just then. She nodded, thanking him for that and also glad that she had met with him. It wasn't as scary as she thought it was going to be. "You can come back too," she said feeling slightly awkward, but not in a bad way, "if you want."
He couldn't contain the smile that came from deep inside over that invitation. "I would like that very much." He stepped closer to the bed and thought if he needed to ease her back into the familiarity of their life then why not start with the playfulness they always shared. He grinned mischievously, sticking his hand out to her, "I'm Steve by the way."
Carly giggled shyly, slipping her hand inside of his, "I'm Carly, nice to meet you Steve." She felt a flutter in her stomach, it was the first good feeling she had had since waking up.