Steve sat up on the side of the bed in the spare room and grabbed his shirt sitting on the chair. He slipped it over his head and reached down on the floor for his shoes. The nightstand clock read one thirty-three am. He couldn't sleep; his thoughts consumed by her, so he decided the only way to cure the craving was by going to the source.
He came down the same hospital corridor he had now for the last three and a half weeks, day in and day out and in some cases, night in and night out.
Nighttime is when he could sneak into her room and was really the only time he felt close to her. She still kept her distance from him during the day and their conversations were minimal. Her room was usually full with people and they seldom had a private moment. He was pretty sure she liked it that way. It was a good defense mechanism. He didn't argue or complain, he felt like he was already struggling to keep what they had together and rocking the boat was not something he was willing to risk.
"Hi Kelly," he said quietly, passing the nurses station.
"Hi Steve. I was just in there about ten minutes ago and she's sleeping like a baby. She had some extra pain medication. She started physical therapy today and was pretty sore."
"She's ok though, right?" he said, showing his concern.
Kelly smiled reassuringly, "She's fine." She motioned for him to go inside. "She was tired." She watched him go inside as one of the other nurses came up beside her.
"That just seems so sad to me," she said to Kelly. "How often does he come here this late?"
She shrugged, "Once or twice a week," It was more than that but she felt the need to defend him.
"Too bad. He's so hot," she grinned. "My God, if he told me I was his boyfriend, amnesia or not, I would jump all over that."
Kelly slowly turned and glared at her. "If I ever hear you say anything like that again about him or any other patient on my floor, you'll be cleaning bed pans and taking stool samples. Do you understand?"
She looked up at her shocked and then nodded, knowing she meant it. "Sorry."
"Don't you have somewhere to be?"
She nodded again and scooted away.
Steve carefully shut the door and walked over and stood next to her bed. Her bangs were growing out and hung just below her eyebrows. He remembered her mentioning that she needed to get a hair cut before that fateful night happened. He remembered so much about their short time together and it seemed everyday he was recalling more and more while she was hardly recalling anything at all. He still felt like a stranger to her. She was slipping away from him. He could feel it.
He thought again about that day they had hiked down to the creek and made love by the water. It was by far his fondest memory; not only because of the way she left him feeling that day but also because of the unspoken commitment they had shared by attempting to start a family. He thought of the baby then and looked down at her stomach where it had been. He wondered if things would be different between them now if the baby had survived and she knew of it. Would it change the way she felt toward him?
It didn't matter now anyway, he thought, their baby died, and their perfect relationship was on the verge of it.
He wanted to touch her so badly; even just holding her hand would have been rewarding enough for him. God he missed her, but not just the physical intimacy, he missed talking to her. He missed laughing with her. He missed her hugs that she would give for no reason at all except that she loved him too.
He couldn't take it anymore and very gently reached down, taking a handful of her hair and pulling it through his fingers, an addiction he'd been craving for so long. He leaned over, closing his eyes and brought it up to his face so he could smell it. He smiled, knowing she had been using the shampoo Mary had brought from home. That fragrance brought him back to happier times when she lied curled up as close as she could to him in their bed.
He sat down in the chair next to her, feeling once again the loneliness as she laid only inches from him. He stared at her face while she slept, getting his fill. He felt the late night fatigue beginning to set in and decided it was time to go, afraid he would fall asleep right there, and that he decided wouldn't be good at all, it could possibly set him back even further if she knew he came there in the middle of the night and smelled her hair and stared at her. It sounded strange even to him, but at the same time it gave him the relief he needed.
He stood up and whispered to her before he turned to leave. "I miss you."
Carly slowly opened her eyes, watching him leave for the third night in a row. It was the first time he had touched her. It was comforting. She almost opened her eyes when she felt his hand in her hair; but was afraid too. She didn't have to see him to know he was watching her. The distance she was keeping from him was becoming more and more difficult to undo. She didn't know how to play her part in this relationship. She knew what he wanted from her, and she was relieved that he never demanded it, wishing sometimes he would have. She would catch glimpses of him when his attention was diverted, asking herself what she felt, but she had a hard time answering. She didn't know. She knew he loved her though, which made it even more difficult, especially since everyone reminded her of it daily.
Why couldn't she remember their relationship? She had begun to recall small details here and there of others, but could never piece them together of when they took place or who they took place with. Jules had been a wonderful person for her to communicate with. She showed her pictures of when they were teenagers, some even had Steve in them but she couldn't remember anything about them. She missed her.
Jules and Craig had left the morning before. They had their families and said they would return when they could. She saw pictures of Jack but as usual, it meant nothing to her. The only person she had begun to recall was Karen. She had a dream about her four days earlier and woke up in a sweat. They were by a river and Karen jumped in and swam away. She ran beside the river trying to catch her until she disappeared. She woke up dripping as if she had been the one swimming. She knew she had drowned several years before and felt that dream was the reenactment of it. She cried herself back to sleep but didn't tell anyone the next morning. She didn't want to upset her parents or the others. It wasn't something that needed to be brought out.
She closed her eyes, thinking of him again, knowing he would be back the next day. He came every day. She just wished for one day he wouldn't.
Carly sat up as Mary handed her a cup of water.
"Mom," she asked, and then took a drink.
"What?" She took the cup back, and wheeled the tray table closer to her so she could paint her nails to pass the time.
Carly set her hand on the table. "Do you know that Steve comes here at night?"
Mary opened the nail polish bottle and looked at her. "Yes. I heard him leave a couple of times. I didn't ask but I figured this is where he was coming. What do you two talk about so late a night?" She grinned.
Carly shook her head sadly, "We don't. I pretend to be asleep."
She shot her a look. "Why would you do that to him?" she said irritably.
"I don't know what to say to him. I get so flustered and nervous around him."
"Why? It's just Steve, honey. He loves you so much."
"I know," she moaned, "and I know it's just Steve and I know he loves me, but to me he's a stranger. I mean," she sighed, "I like him, I really do. But what if I never feel for him what I used to? What if that never happens again? I feel so bad when he comes here. It makes me feel like an awful person. I sometimes wish he wouldn't come so much."
"Carly! Don't say such things. I know this is difficult, but I'm going to tell you again that he is a good man and you are very lucky that he comes around." She began to feel her temper, knowing Carly didn't understand, but it upset her that she wasn't even giving him a chance. "You be careful, because one day you'll wake up and he won't come every day. That's the day when you will feel bad, mark my word."
Carly wasn't sure what she meant by that. She turned away not wanting to talk about it anymore. Her mother didn't understand. It made her a little angry with both of them. The scars on her body were another reason she kept her distance. They were so ugly. She couldn't even look anymore when they changed her bandages. Who would want to see that? He may love her but the thought of being with him or any man and knowing that's what they had to look at made her feel ugly. She looked around the room wanting out of here as well. The physical therapy had started and she was hoping soon she could finally leave and go home, but wasn't quite sure where that was. They told her she had a home in San Diego but it was Steve's home that she remembered. She wasn't sure how she felt about that. What she felt for the house wasn't the same as how she felt about him. She wished she would just wake up one morning and all would be resolved. She didn't want to hurt him but the pressure everyone was putting on her to be with him was actually working in the opposite direction. He was the only one who didn't push. It made her wonder if perhaps he came in the middle of the night to be with the Carly he used to love and the one that laid in the bed during the daytime was only a girl that he felt obligated to visit. In a way, the idea of that brought her some relief.
Steve came down the corridor and noticed right away Carly's door open. He looked inside and they were changing the linens on the bed. Jason came up behind him drinking a pop from the cafeteria.
"She's over in physical therapy."
He turned around, smiling at the man he had come to know and respect. "Hey Jason. How's that going? I know she was pretty sore yesterday from it."
Jason shrugged, "Pretty good. They start slow and work up. He was working on her hands yesterday. The left one she still can't quite open and close all the way. I think today he's focusing more on her stomach muscles?"
"Who's her new doctor?" Steve asked, no sooner did he get the words out did he hear Carly yell out in laughter. He turned around and saw her in a wheelchair come screaming down the corridor being pushed by a blond person that was bent over making racing sounds. As they got closer to her room he stood up and pulled back, slowing her down. Carly held onto the side of the chair, laughing like she was having the time of her life. It was a sound he had missed. He couldn't help but smile at the display. He was enjoying it as much she was until the blond stood up, leaned over the chair and said something to her to make her laugh even more.
Jason watched Steve's expression fade as he observed the display between Carly and her new physical therapist. The camaraderie they had was undeniable. His natural blond hair and good looks resembled a young Robert Redford with a slight Brad Pitt femininity. He was as tall as Steve but not as sturdy.
Steve stood watching them. It wasn't the physical appearance of the doctor that bothered him; it was the playfulness they shared. He used to make her laugh like that. He felt an instant disliking to the man, trying to find a reason why, but knowing good and well why. He was in his place. He watched them from a distance as he spoke to the nurses behind the counter. Carly laughed again as he made jokes.
Jason leaned over, "That's Carly's new Physical Therapist. He's an intern that just graduated from Stanford medical school. Dr. Brian Man."
Steve looked over toward him, "Dr. Man?" he huffed. "Are you serious with that name?"
Jason rolled his eyes, "I know. I think he tries to play the part as well."
Carly smiled up at them as they approached. "Hi," she said happily.
Steve smiled back trying to stifle his disappointment over their playfulness. "Hey."
She looked over her shoulder at Dr. Man, "You know my Dad already," she motioned to Steve, "this is Steve."
The doctor came around to the side of the wheelchair, holding his hand out, "Hi, are you…" he looked back and forth between he and Carly, "Carly's brother?"
Steve shook his hand; looking at him peculiarly "No! I'm not her brother." He glanced down at Carly for her to give him an explanation.
She laughed, "He's not my brother. He's just a…" she hesitated, "He's a friend of mine." She wasn't sure how to describe him, but by the look on his face, she knew that wasn't the right one.
That description hit below the belt as if someone had sucker punched him. 'Just a friend?!' Steve thought.
Carly looked away from him as he stared down at her over that definition of him. "We've known each other a long time." She tried to cover her tracks but it was too late, the damage was done.
Dr. Man sensed her uneasiness and tried to change the subject for her. He knew of her condition and assumed this was the boyfriend everyone had spoken of. His mistake in identifying him was innocent, but the response from Carly he couldn't deny was pleasing to him. She was beautiful and fun, two qualities he found difficult to find in a woman since moving to the islands. He bent over and locked the wheelchair, "Come on lazy bones, you can walk into your room." He took her by the arm and helped her out of the chair. "I still owe you that chocolate shake for those last five crunches. I'll bring it by later."
"You don't owe me anything." She could feel Steve staring at her. She had to admit that when they made the bet she was flattered that someone of his stature and good looks would want to spend time with her, but as she stood there now in front of Steve she felt for the first time a sense of obligation to him and just wanted Brian to be quite. She truly didn't want to hurt him and felt that she had. Her heart pounded trying to think of a way to resolve this.
Jason waited for Steve to help and when it was obvious he wasn't going to he went over and helped them.
Carly glanced up at him apologetically as they walked by, knowing both the comment from her and from Brian had been hurtful.
Steve stood in the hall and watched them help her back into the bed. He stared at the doctor's hands that were on her, knowing this person's job consisted of having his hands all over her body. He wasn't stupid either; the whole chocolate shake bullshit was just a way for him to see her outside of the therapy. The doctor felt something for her, but he really couldn't blame him. Everyone who ever met Carly fell in love with her. He had feared she had been slipping away from him but he hadn't felt the actual impact of that until just now.
Dr. Man came out, walking by him. "Good to meet ya."
He didn't respond but only slightly nodded, staring him down, getting his point across without having to say a word.
Dr. Man unhooked the brakes on the wheelchair and looked up at him. He felt he had crossed the boundaries and made a quick exit, feeling the intimidation.
Steve looked back in the room. He'd never felt so out of place before in his entire life. He didn't belong there anymore. He couldn't even bring himself to go inside. He leaned in the door and stuck his hand up, "I'm taking off. I've got some stuff to do at work." he lied. He barely glanced at Carly, speaking mostly to Jason.
He didn't wait for a reply from either of them, making his way down the corridor. He heard his name being called from Jason as he caught up with him.
"Where are you going? You just got here."
Steve turned away irritably, "What's the point?"
"Are you giving up already?" he said, grabbing him by the arm.
"Giving up already?" he snapped at him. "What am I supposed to do, Jason? You tell me? I'm here every day and every day she acts like I'm not. I can't keep coming around pretending like I belong here. I don't anymore. She doesn't want me here."
"That's not true!"
"Oh yea," he pointed toward the room, "go ask her! Ten to one she's glad I'm leaving." He backed away from him, "You think this is what I want? I love Carly. I love her more than anything." He pointed again down the hall, shaking his head, "But that's not Carly, and I don't want to be in that room anymore than she wants me to be."
"Steve," he said it like he couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"I need some time away from here, Jason. And she needs it too. I just think there's too much pressure on her. Maybe that's why she's not remembering."
Jason hated what was happening, but he couldn't deny that he was right. Carly had made an effort to form a relationship with everyone except Steve. It wasn't fair of him to put that same pressure on him as they all were with Carly. "I'm sorry son. I think a lot of this was our fault. We didn't follow the doctor's orders and let her just get to know you all over again and see for herself. I think we tried too hard and it backfired on us."
Steve took a step toward him, "It's no one's fault Jason. I don't blame Carly and I certainly would never blame you. It is what is it and no one can make her feel something she doesn't."
He looked up at him, "Are you going to come back?"
Steve took a deep breath and let it out. He didn't want this discussion with him now, because to be perfectly honest he wasn't sure when he'd be back. "I'll never leave her." He felt his throat tighten. "She'll always be apart of my life no matter what, maybe it just won't be like it was for those three months, but I'll never leave her completely." He shook his head, "I couldn't even if I wanted too."
Jason nodded his understanding. "You do what you have to do, Steve."
He watched him walk down the hall and disappear into the stairwell. He turned and went back to Carly's room with a heavy heart for both of them. He'd been so happy and relieved when he and Carly had reunited, and over the last three months Steve had become like a son to him, no more than over the past few weeks. He wanted to tell Carly what a huge mistake she was making, but decided she was going to have to figure it out for herself. He wasn't going to meddle again. Steve was right, they couldn't force her to feel something she didn't.
He came in the room and she looked at him and then beyond him, seeing that he had actually left. "Did he leave?"
Jason sat down in the chair and picked up the remote from the TV, turning it on. "Yep." He said flatly but had a hard time hiding his disappointment.
"Was he upset? He seemed upset?"
Jason shrugged, "He had some important stuff to take care of. He has a life outside of this room you know." He found a baseball game and turned the volume up, wanting to stop this conversation with her. 'Let her sit and think about that for a while,' he thought.
Carly looked from him to the door. She thought she would feel relived not having him there, but that's not what she felt at all. She tried to decipher her feelings but couldn't quite put a finger on it.
She settled down in the bed, staring at the TV, but he consumed her thoughts. She kept glancing over to the door, waiting for him to reappear, finally getting a grip on what she was feeling, it was plain ole' fear, but not in the normal typical fashion, it was a dreaded fear, a panic, an unnerving feeling that she had pushed him too far. She felt the impact of those emotions become full circle as she looked at the door again, wondering what if he never came back? Her heart began to pound and she decided that when he did, she would be different, and when he came at night she wouldn't pretend to be asleep anymore.
She heard her Mother's words in her ear, and she was right. She felt horrible, but worst yet, she couldn't keep her eyes off the door, anticipating his return.