Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of its characters etc, and I wish SM didn't own them either.

Chapter Nine – She Makes a Mistake

"Jasper!" Bella exclaimed as the rest of him climbed through the window. "What the hell?"

"Jesus, keep it down," he said, standing up and dusting a light sheen of water off the sleeves of his bomber.

"Maybe I don't want to keep it down," she said, scuttling back toward her headboard and clutching a pillow to her chest.

"So now – in addition to acting like a total bitch – you want me dead?" he demanded, glancing meaningfully past her head and toward her door, beyond which her dad was only steps away.

"I'm the bitch?

"I'm pretty sure I didn't stutter," he said, beginning to pace up and down the wall opposite her bed.

"Are you suddenly an elephant? Keep it down. You're going to wake Charlie," she warned, clenching the pillow between her trembling hands.

"What the fuck is the matter with you?"

"Ok, on second thought, maybe I'll go wake Charlie."

Bella stood, backing away from Jasper. He stopped his pacing and shrugged, leaning back against the wall casually. He never broke his eyes from hers. The cool gray of them froze her to the floor, but she burned under their intensity. Her stomach twisted, a combination of nerves and revulsion. She didn't know why he was looking at her like that, but she hated how easy it was for him to make her submit.

"Stop it," she begged, successfully willing herself to turn away from him.

She heard his soft steps approaching her, finally stopping halfway across the room. Pivoting on her heel, she turned to face him and immediately stumbled backward. He was almost right behind her, barely two steps away. Her whole body went rigid even as her insides melted."Jasper…"

"Just…just be quiet for a second," he commanded.

He took the final step toward her, and still she remained rooted to her post, the doorknob of her closet grazing against her back. His head tilted just barely, and he began leaning in. His lips were inching closer to hers, too fast and painfully slowly at the same time. Their gazes remained locked together; she didn't flinch, and neither did he. His eyes, usually so cold, had only intensified their smoldering. He'd come so close that she could see the tiny blue flecks sprinkled through the grey, sparking like hot flames.

"We can't," she said, but she couldn't stop herself from leaning even closer to him.

"We have to," he whispered gruffly.

She watched his eyes flutter shut, completely unable to prepare herself for what was about to happen. Years of wanting, months of frustration, weeks of uncertainty had all led her to this moment. Then…it happened. Cool lips pressed against hers. Rough hands cupped her cheeks. And her entire world tilted on its axis.

The first few seconds of the kiss were gentle, but that was as long as they could last. The next thing that Bella knew, she was being clutched to Jasper's chest as he pressed her hard against the steady surface of the wall, the doorknob to her closet digging into the small of her back. Everything seemed faster, more frantic: his touches, their breathing, her heartbeat…

Her hands, unable to reach under his jacket, found themselves tangled in his hair, luxuriating in the feeling of the silky locks between her fingers. They slid from his head, down the sinewy muscles of his neck, to rest on the broad shoulders that felt strangely narrow in her grip.

His hands were all over her – clutching her face, sliding into her hair, running up and down her back, grabbing her shoulders…she'd never felt more wanted. She felt his tongue slide along her bottom lip and couldn't stop the whimper that escaped her. And then, one callused finger trailed along the small of her back.

Tears sprung to her eyes unbidden and she choked on a tiny sob. She couldn't make herself pull away, but neither could she cease the sudden onslaught of moisture cascading gently down her cheeks. Almost immediately, Jasper was pushing her away and stumbling toward the window. He glanced wildly round the room, looking for something to focus on – anything but her. She bit down hard on her lip, trying to feel something, anything, besides the hot tingle scalding her entire body.

He turned his back on her, but in the reflection of the glass she could see his face contorted in pain. However, once he faced her again, the anger was back, only now it had exploded into a blazing rage. His chest heaved with each breath he took, and he glared at her, watching her quiet sobs intensify under his furious glare. Without a word, he climbed out the window.

She heard a quiet series of clunks, and rushed to the window. Peering over the sill, she saw him, something large and long tucked under his arm as he headed toward the shed behind the house. Of course he would remember the ladder Charlie kept stored on the back wall. Of course he would be smart enough to use it rather than risk leaping from the grizzled branches of her tree.

Cowardice drew her back inside, and she shut the window with a decided thunk. As soon as the covers were safely pulled over her head, Bella finally let what had just happened really sink in. Her first feeling was, surprisingly, relief. She hadn't been thinking during the entire exchange and – she paused to rub at her now aching back – it was a miracle they hadn't woken up Charlie. As much as she'd threatened Jasper, telling her dad that a guy had climbed into her window would hardly have won her any brownie points.

She was teetering on the edge of a steep precipice in her mind, and with every tear that continued sliding down her cheek she felt closer and closer to the endless oblivion that lay below her. Gingerly, she placed a finger to her swollen mouth. The burning of her lips flared her temper into a flame. Jasper had been angry, but suddenly she felt like she could match him blow for blow.

Who was he to push her away and push her away without ever actually being man enough to actuallydo it? What was so special about him that let him climb in her window and think he could just kiss her? What the hell gave him the right?

Even in the midst of her anger, the answer to that question sprung unbidden to the forefront of her thoughts. She had given him the right. It had always been her that had made it ok. For so long she'd just stood and took it…heeled at his every command. She'd been too afraid to speak up, even in the beginning…too afraid of his reaction. Because he was important.

"Important," she spat, her forehead crinkling as she considered it.

The word rang in the formerly silent bedroom. Important. Jasper was important. But could she ever fill the huge hole she'd dug for herself? Could she ever stem the tide? The wave of sadness washed over her, and Bella was sobbing again. She slammed her pillow over her face – pulling it so tight she could barely breathe – and screamed. She screamed until her throat was raw and her face was hot from the heat and the blood rushing to her face. And then the tears returned until exhaustion took her.

The next morning, she woke up at six, a full half hour before her alarm clock began its annoying screech. She padded heavily to her closet, staring at herself in the full length mirror Alice had hung on the door several years ago. Immediately, she wished she hadn't.

Her hair was a wild, tangled mess. Her eyes were red, puffy, and crusted. Her cheeks, too, were swollen and too pink, and she could see the paths her tears had taken. And her lips…thinking about her lips made her want to puke. Too many emotions were rushing through her. It was all just too much.

Groaning, she stumbled down the hallway clutching her stomach. Bella reached for the knobs as soon as she was in the bathroom, turning the hot water up as high as it would go and praying that it worked. When steam began fogging the mirror as she vigorously scrubbed out her mouth with her toothbrush, she sighed in heavy relief.

Stepping under the heavy stream, all her muscles instantly relaxed. She stood for a long time, trying to wash the memory of the previous night out of her brain.

"We'll smoke the monster out," she sang lightly to herself.

It was such a funny image – a gigantic Jasper with too large limbs poking out of the windows of her mind – that she had to laugh. Her laughter eliminated the last balls of tension that remained, and she found herself suddenly calmer. More rational. And only a little bit pissed.

When the hot water started to run out, she turned the knobs and stepped out of the shower. She dried off quickly and wrapped herself in her towel so that she could dry her hair. A glance at the clock told her she still had thirty minutes until Edward showed up. She hurried down the hall, knowing that she wanted to make tea or something for the car. Halfway into her favorite jeans, she froze. She was meeting Edward's parents. His parents. Her phone was immediately in her hand.

"Alice, help!" Bella cried.

"What's the occasion?" her friend asked.

"I'm meeting his parents! And I don't know – "

She had to hold the phone away from her to save her eardrums from the high pitched squeal ringing out.

"Well, you should wear jeans, because…I mean...you don't want to be someone you're not."

"That part's done."

"Not your favorite jeans, Bella. The skinny ones. The nice ones that I bought you."

"But I look stupid in those."

"Just because it isn't a cardigan or two sizes too big for you does not cause it to make you look stupid. Anyway, wear your navy blue turtleneck. And keep your hair down. And wear the riding boots we bought in Portland. And put on some mascara for goodness sake. And your turquoise earrings and the hammered silver ring. And…"

"And?"

"Nope, I think that's it!" Alice said brightly.

"I don't know how you remember everything in my closet," Bella said.

"Well, there's not that much to mentally inventory. And, if it's worth wearing I picked it out for you anyway. I can't believe this! This is so exciting!"

Alice's exuberance brought her back to earth. Bella considered the final complication of the disaster that was her previous night – the one thing she – über-bitch that she was – hadn't thought of: she'd made out with her best friend's boyfriend. She'd kissed him back and hadn't even tried to stop it. How would she tell her? Could she?

"Yeah," Bella finally said, responding to Alice's dramatic sighs, deciding that now would be the worst possible time…that there would never be a good time to say something like that. "It is pretty exciting."

They said their goodbyes and Bella hurriedly threw on the outfit Alice had instructed her to, tugging on her boots and grabbing her bag. In the kitchen, she made two travel mugs of hot chocolate. While she waited for the milk to boil, she thought about Alice…and then she thought about Edward. She and Edward weren't technically together, but they were something and she hated that she'd done something she knew would hurt him. That she knew would just hurt everyone.

The sound of gravel crunching told her that Edward was probably in the driveway, so she hurriedly screwed the lids on the two mugs and hustled outside. Seeing him standing outside the car, smiling so easily at her, made her freeze. It was official. She was the most selfish human being alive.

Bella paused on the walkway, and Edward frowned. He'd know something was wrong – he always seemed to – and it only reinforced her sudden decision that even if she could never tell Alice, she would have to tell him. But when? And how?

With a tentative smile, she resumed moving and handed him the mug. He lifted it to his nose and taking a whiff.

"Hot chocolate. Made from scratch," she said at his puzzled smile.

"Wow. This is amazing," he said, taking a sip. "Trying to butter me up?"

She almost choked on her own mouthful of chocolate. "Ummm…"

"That was supposed to be a joke," he said, drinking again and raising his eyebrows.

"I know," she whispered, climbing into the car and waiting for him.

"Spill it," he said, collapsing into his seat. He put his cup in the holder and his hand immediately went up to pinch the bridge of his nose.

"Edward – "

"No. You get this look on your face when you want to tell me something. You had it two days ago and you've got it now. And I can tell I'm not going to like it, so I'd rather not spend my entire day worried and distracted wondering what the hell it is. Just tell me."

"I don't know," she hedged, biting her lips and twisting her hands, her own hot chocolate forgotten.

"Like a band-aid, Bella. Right off."

"Like a band-aid," she mused, wondering if he would kick her out of his car and speed out of her life as quickly as he'd raced into it if she told him. But no. Not saying how she felt…not being honest…keeping secrets was what had started the entire mess in the first place. "Jasper climbed into my window last night," she said, so quietly she wondered if she'd imagined saying the words.

"What?" Edward asked, his eyes narrowing to slits.

"I think you heard me," she whispered.

"And what happened?"

His voice was calm, but she could sense his worry radiating through the awkwardness of the car. She wanted to take back the confusing ecstasy of the previous night. She'd have given up all of it if it meant not having to hurt Edward. Or Alice.

"He kissed me," she said. Her voice trembled, betraying the fear she'd tried so hard to hide.

"And?" he asked, the strain in his voice almost enough to break her resolve.

"And I started crying. And then he stopped and fled out the window."

"That's all?"

"That's all. And…I'm sorry, Edward. I'm so sorry."

"You really fucking suck. You know that, right?"

"Yeah, I do," she said, biting hard on her lips and willing herself not to cry.

"I mean, shit, Bella. What the hell were you thinking?"

"I wasn't."

"That much's obvious. I mean, put me aside for a second – not that you had any trouble doing that last night – and answer me this: why would you let him do that to you? Why didn't you stand up for yourself?"

"I don't know," she whimpered. "I don't know! I couldn't. I can't! He makes me…he turns me into a coward. A beaten dog. And I hate it."

She jumped when she felt his fingers, warm from his mug, grip her hands and hold them together, forcing them to still.

"I know you do."

Her eyes were wide when she stared up at him, tears blurring her vision. His face seemed stern, but he hadn't yelled at her. He hadn't kicked her out of the car. He hadn't pitched a still hot beverage all over her face.

"You're…you're not mad"

He jerked his hand back. "Are you out of your mind? Of course I'm mad. I'm really, really mad. I'm fucking pissed, Bella. I'm taking you to meet my parents tonight and then this happens?"

Even though he wasn't yelling, Bella couldn't stop the tiny sob that escaped.

"Oh fucking hell," he moaned, burying his hands in his hair. "Please don't cry. I got a little carried away, that's all. Yes, I'm mad at you. But, I'm madder at him, Bella. He was here first, and he had his chance. He's had years to do what he did last night, but he didn't make a move until I was here…until he saw us together. And I am seriously considering running over him with my car. Or maybe taking out a hit on him. My college fund ought to just about cover one."

He tried to smile, but he was biting his lip and his eyes betrayed his nerves.

"I'm so sorry, Edward. I felt awful about it as soon as it stopped. I was so mad at him, and so mad at myself. But…I think…" she paused, swiping at the tears still dripping down her cheeks. "I'm pretty sure I don't ever want to speak to him again."

"You don't mean that," Edward said with a sigh.

"Maybe not," she acknowledged. "Maybe it would be better to say that I'm not going to. I just…I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of feeling broken and totally…defeated. And please, please don't think I'm with you now because I think you're safe, because you so obviously aren't. You came in here, and now my whole life is upside down and I don't even know who I am. So…" she took a deep breath and looked him right in the eye. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, and I'm done with him. I'm…I'm done with that."

"So you're with me now?" he asked.

"If you'll let me be," she replied.

He was across the seat in a second, crushing her to him in a hug as he laughed in victory. "Ok, in the interest of full disclosure, I'm going to have a really hard time not giving that asshole a serious neiner neiner. We should just skip today, save me the temptation."

"No!" she said, laughing as she pushed him away. "If I'm not there, he's going to assume I'm home moping. And if you aren't there, he's going to assume that you're pissed as hell."

"Or maybe he'll assume we're together and I'm trying to make you forget about last night," he grinned cheekily.

Bella blushed and shook her head. "No. He's too self-centered for that. He'll think he's ruined our lives."

"Well, we'll show him that he didn't," he assured her, backing out of the driveway. "But I must warn you, I can't be held responsible for any of my actions today."

"I suppose I deserve that," she agreed as he smiled.

They drove to school in companionable silence. He had his stereo on, but not so loud that she couldn't say something if she wanted to. She watched, amused, as he downed the contents of his mug as well as hers.

"That was seriously delicious. Did you lace it with crack?" he teased as he tipped his head back to hold the cup upended over his mouth.

"No, just hot milk and a decent dark chocolate, though I suppose it's kind of like crack in its own way."

He parked in her spot – "I'm going to steal this spot if it kills me," he told her – and climbed from the car. Edward held her bag while she pulled on her coat. As she walked toward his side of the car, she couldn't help but marvel at how well he'd taken it. She could see the tension in the set of his shoulders, but she could also see the optimism. His face seemed more open when he looked at her, his green eyes more vibrantly alive.

"You ready to face the Socs, Sodapop?"

"His name was Ponyboy. Sodapop was his brother. Did the book not have enough pictures for you?" she laughed, nudging him in the side with her elbow.

He chuckled as his arm slid around her waist. For a split second she remembered that awful moment when Jasper had touched that same spot – Edward's spot – but the reassurance pouring off of him was enough to let her keep her smile. It felt so amazing to be able to laugh and joke without the fear of scowls or biting retorts.

As they approached the edge of the parking lot, she couldn't help but search Jasper out.

"Ok, screw the neiner neiner. His face right now entirely makes up for how pissed I am. Maybe he thinks you didn't tell me?"

"No, I'm smiling," Bella laughed, surprised at the mocking edge it had taken, though not surprised that he'd used the present tense to describe his anger. "He knows me. If I hadn't told you, I'd look guilty."

"True," he agreed. "You have the worst poker face of all time. And, by the way, blue is definitely your color."

She was heartened when his cheeks flushed a pale pink as soon as the words left his mouth. She smiled, grateful for the distraction, and hid her own blush behind a curtain of her hair. They approached the school, and the closer they got the more angry Jasper looked. Alice ignored him, waving at them excitedly. Bella again felt a stab of guilt, but, after talking to Edward, she knew she couldn't tell Alice. Any attempt she made would just be to alleviate her own guilt, and would easily be twisted into a sad attempt to break up her and Jasper. She didn't protest when Edward led them straight to English, and stifled a giggle as Alice gave an exaggerated eye roll before turning her back on them.

"Watching that happen was almost enough to make your infidelity entirely worth it," he said with a wink.

"Infidelity?" she demanded. "Look, I said I was sorry and – "

"You're cute when you get all mad, but I was just joking."

"Old habits," she sighed, smiling up at him ruefully.

Edward mussed her hair, and she remembered the hot passion that had burned through her when Jasper had yanked her to him almost roughly. She glanced at Edward out of the corner of her eye as they entered the classroom and couldn't stop wishing that he would treat her as a little bit less breakable. Still, she knew the only way to make that happen was to be a little bit less breakable.

She sat ramrod straight in her seat in English as Jasper walked in. He glared at her and cast a furious scowl at Edward, who was grinning angelically and relaxing in his chair, his hands folded behind his head. Jasper looked away, failing spectacularly in his attempt to pretend he hadn't noticed. He stormed to his seat, sitting down with a heavy thud and pushing his desk back from Bella's.

Edward flashed her a wink, and she had to clap her hands over her mouth to keep from interrupting the beginning of Mr. Mason's lecture with a laugh. Just as she got herself under control, she felt a something slide into the boot that was hooked around her chair leg. Bella reached down and extracted a piece of paper, folded into thirds. She stared at it for a long moment. Then, with a small smile, she crumpled it into a ball and pitched it to the floor behind her. Only when she straightened and returned her attention to the board did she notice Edward watching her with a satisfied smile.