Johnny finished his lunch slowly, trying to think of a plan for the rest of his day. He figured he could go to the saloon, maybe join a poker game and have a few beer – there must be a saloon in this town somewhere - then see Barranca, make sure he was doing okay at the livery, and then head back to the saloon. While it was an acceptable plan – something that he had done many times in the past – he wished it wasn't the only thing. He realized he was missing his family again – he would rather be at Lancer, where there was always something to do and probably someone to talk to. He was used to these feelings now, but they still surprised him sometimes. Usually he was happy initially to go away, but towards the end, particularly when the trip ended up being longer than expected, he couldn't wait to get back and see them. Chat with Scott, maybe get up to something with him. Have Maria make him a nice supper. Tease Theresa. Hell, he even found himself missing the Old Man's yelling after particularly long trips.
He looked up to a small voice saying "Are you finished, sir?" and recognized Martha waiting to take away his plate. He noticed the other tables in the small dining room were empty, and he saw Polly going around and removing the white tablecloths and napkins for washing. He could hear the ticking of the grandfather clock in the corner.
"Yes, thank you" he replied, the child's politeness bringing the same out in him. He smiled at her and said "you don't need to call me, sir, Johnny'll do just fine". The little girl looked at her mother who was listening to the exchange. She made eye contact with her daughter and smiled, nodding her head. "I hope you enjoyed your pie, Johnny" she replied, smiling at him again and removing his plate, taking it into the kitchen.
Johnny smiled and looked at the woman working across the room "she's really somethin', Polly." "Thanks, Johnny," she replied. "As I said, we've got a good life here. How's your family?" she asked "I don't know if I ever was able to say how much I appreciated the help they gave me." She seemed to invest much meaning into that little phrase
"Don't worry – we all knew," he replied, looking at this woman that he had once known so well but that seemed so different now. "They're all doin' fine – Scott is seein' the school teacher – looks sort of serious there. Theresa married a ranch hand a couple of years ago, but he got injured on a cattle drive – pressed between some cows and a fence – we managed to get him home, but the doc wasn't able to fix him, and he died shortly after. Theresa moved back in with us after that."
"I'm sorry to hear about Theresa. Did they have any kids?" Polly asked.
Johnny shook his head. "They weren't really married that long". Polly looked back at him, amused. Johnny blushed slightly and smiled, starting again, "they weren't really married that long, and we wondered for a bit, but no, no kids". Martha came back in the room and looked at the adults. Polly pointed to the pile of laundry on the floor and the little girl sighed, and walking over, picked it up and carried it into the kitchen.
"And Murdoch?" Polly asked. "He's the same," Johnny replied, "still loud". Polly smiled and chuckled. She had heard some of his yelling.
"Mama", Martha asked, coming back into the dining room "can I go outside and play now?" "Are you done your chores," Polly asked. "Yes ma'am," she replied, counting on her fingers, "I brought the laundry all into the kitchen, and all the dishes are at the sink, and I finished my lunch". "Okay", said Polly, "you stay where I can call you though". "Yes ma'am" the little girl replied again, going back into the kitchen and out the back door Johnny spied.
"What are you going to do now, Johnny?" Polly asked. "Not sure", he answered, "not used to havin' quiet time like this – I might just go the saloon and see about joinin' a poker game, or somethin'." "Would you like another cup a coffee before you go" Polly asked. "If you'll join me," Johnny said, surprising himself by saying it. But he realized he would like to talk to her more, find out how her life was going, what she thought of things.
Polly looked at him and smiled again. He noticed suddenly that she seemed to have been smiling a lot since he had seen her earlier this morning – something he didn't associate with her earlier life. She had been fun and laughed a lot then – in a way, that had been her job – but she hadn't really smiled a lot, at least not in the way she was smiling now. A smile that seemed to start at her mouth and spread to her eyes – which he noticed were a brilliant shade of green, slightly lighter than her dress.
Polly went into the kitchen and returned with 2 cups of coffee and 2 pieces of pie. Placing the items on the table, she returned and came back with a pot of cream and a bowl of sugar. She carefully added a spoonful of sugar to her cup and a bit of cream, pouring some of the liquid on her pie as well. Johnny watched as she stirred her coffee thoughtfully. "So", she said, looking up at him from her cup "how is ranchin' suitin' you?"
Johnny was about to respond when a tall, large-boned, blonde woman came into the dining room from the kitchen. "Polly?" she asked. "Sue", Polly said standing up, "this is Johnny – I told you about him earlier – I think he's lookin' for a room".
Sue came over to stand beside Polly, her blue eyes taking him in – Johnny could swear she was trying to figure out his intentions towards her friend. She seemed to be trying to loom slightly above him in his chair. He certainly wasn't comfortable with the feeling and went to stand up, so at least he could be on his feet and reach his gun easily if she came at him.
He put out his hand for her to shake. "Ma'am" he said, surprised by how off balance the woman made him feel and deciding to set things straight, "if you have a room for the next night or two, I would like that. My horse has pulled a muscle, and I'm just waitin' for him to heal up before headin' home". She seemed to look him over and then suddenly smiled, and shook his hand. "Yes, I think I have a place you can stay. I'll go make sure it's ready – you two enjoy your coffee" and she left the room heading into the lobby.
Polly watched her leave and then turned back to Johnny. "She can be a little protective of me", she explained – "as I said, we've been friends for a long time … she helped me before as much as she could, and knows what I want for Martha now. She wants the same." She sat back down and took a bite of her pie.
Johnny sat down as well. "Do you think I should check my bed before I get in?" he asked, remembering the way the woman had looked him over. Polly laughed, a startlingly clear and happy sound, again something different from what he remembered. "I wouldn't worry about that none" she said, "Sue is a business woman, if nothin' else. Your bed will be proper, and she'll do her best to make sure you're comfortable – but not too comfortable," she added smiling
Johnny smiled back at the last part. "So, how're you findin' life here?" he asked. "Good" she replied. "Didn't you already ask me that?" she asked in a slightly sassy tone. Johnny smiled "I guess I'm wondering what you really think of things. You know, how's it really goin'." "Oh," she replied "how does it feel to be … livin' like …this" she said, investing much meaning in the final word. "Well – whatta you really think of ranch life?"
Johnny hesitated, picking up his coffee and looking into the cup. Why was he asking this woman, this question, right now? What was he trying to do? He knew how he felt even after five years – like it was this great thing, this wonderful second chance. But that sometimes still, late at night, he would wake up and just want to run screaming away from all of it - the responsibility, the caring and everything else - even though he knew he would regret it forever if he did. That missing Scott, Murdoch, Theresa, and Maria implied something - and that even though he was getting used to the feelings, it was still hard for him. That he got tired sometimes of having to worry about how what he did would impact the future and others. He had to admit that part of him wondered if others whose life changed felt this way too. He put his coffee cup down on its saucer and started to say "look, I'm sorry …".
Polly put her hand on top of his. Johnny looked up and saw her smile. "It's hard," she said, "even after all these years. I'm lucky – I have Sue and she understands how hard it is, and I can talk about the past with her. And there is Martha who deserves everything. But sometimes it's hard to be … responsible … to have to think about what others'll think. To always have to consider … that wasn't something I had to do all the time before. Or at least if I did, it was for different reasons."
Johnny smiled at how she expressed. "Yeah, it's hard – I feel like there is always part of me that is worried … .worried I won't do it right … worried …". "Exactly," she replied, "worried you won't know what the 'right' decision is …".
"But," she said, getting up and gathering together their pie plates, "it's nice to get to do this. I wouldn't give Martha up. And she needs this", and she headed into the kitchen with their dishes. Johnny realized then the extent of feeling she had for her little girl – she said that several times – it was what Martha needed.
Polly came back into the dining room with a pot of coffee, offering him some. Nodding his head yes, she continued "I told a lotta different stories about my early life, but the truth is, I didn't have many choices. I was where I was because of that. I want more than that for my little girl, and this is the best way to get that for her."
Johnny looked at her, watched her sit in her chair and add more cream and sugar to her coffee. "What happened in your early life?" he asked. "A story for a story?" she replied. "Yes" he said, wanting to talk to someone that seemed to understand a lack of choices in life, and how hard it was to accept something different.
So, she told him. How her father had been a hard, religious man, believing that women bore the mark of original sin through life and that the only way they could get past this was through service to their husband's and family. How her mother had protected her from the worse of her father, including allowing her to attend school. Made her dolls. Taught her stories, despite her father's belief that the only book necessary was the bible. And then, when her mother died when she was 10, her protector was taken away, and she was suddenly thrust into the centre of his views – and his violence. How he would beat her every Sunday after church, based on the thought that she had 'probably done something that she ain't been caught for'. How she was forced to drop out of school, run the household, and care for her 5 brothers. And then, how, when she was 14, a farm hand pushed her against the fence and kissed her. And her father, coming across her struggling, grabbed her, viciously slapped her across the face, and calling her a 'jezebel' banished her from the house despite her tears and attempts to explain. And so she had left, not knowing what to do. She travelled from their farm, coming to the little town not far away. She managed to catch a ride with some people to another town, and looking for a place to stay and some food, finally came to the saloon, and … then she stopped. Looking at Johnny she said "and you know the rest. What about you?"
So he told her his story – his mother leaving Lancer and telling him his father had kicked them out because he was embarrassed by his Mexican wife and mestizo son. Growing up in rough and tumble border towns. Watching his mother struggle to support them – and helping her from a young age. Seeing that the people who seemed to get the most respect were the pistoleros, even though they often ended up dead. Of the hours of practising to be good with a gun. Of developing his 'Madrid' persona … some of which she already knew.
Sue came in, interrupting their conversation, and the dimness in the room made Johnny realize how long they had been talking. "Polly, are you ready to set up for supper?" she asked. "It's almost 4". Polly shook her head and smiled at Johnny. "Sorry, Sue," she replied. "We were talkin' about old times. I'll start."
"When do y'all serve supper?" Johnny asked, thinking about where we would get his next meal.
"We usually serve from 5:00 to 7:00. Would you like to join us in the kitchen after?" Polly asked, glancing at Sue. "The 3 of us usually eat after things are cleaned up a bit". "That would be nice" said Johnny, smiling. "7:30 then" Polly said – "but be warned, it can be a bit hectic" and she smiled that beautiful new smile again.
"I'll go visit Barranca for a bit and get my stuff. Is my room ready?" he asked Sue, looking at the older woman. She smiled at him "yes – I'll get you your key" she said, turning to leave the room. "You can head up whenever you like" she continued with her back to him as she went through the swinging door to the lobby. Johnny watched the door close then smiled at Polly "I think she's warmin' to me", he said chuckling a bit. Polly smiled and replied "see you at 7:30."