Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of its characters etc, and I wish SM didn't own them either.

Chapter Sixteen – She Listens

Bella kept her cheek pressed against the cool glass of the window, watching as Emmett drove out of the parking lot heading west out of town toward the coast. The miles flew by in a blur of green and gray, the colors almost soothing. The mere idea of putting distance between her and what had just happened was enough to let the clenched muscles of her stomach relax – it was almost enough to let her forget.

The hard cardboard edges of the notebook digging into her arms made her remember.

Emmett pulled the Jeep into one of the many scenic overlooks, barely cracking the windows and intensifying the steady roar of the ocean. Staring out over a vast and seemingly endless horizon, she tried to let the rhythmic pounding of the waves regulate her breathing and her heart. Normally the cool, salty sea air was enough on its own to send shivers of peace through her, but not today.

It was impossible to even begin to fathom what had just happened…to even consider what those words had meant. Experiment? Sheep? Pathetic? They rattled around inside her brain, too foreign to take hold in any kind of intelligent thought process. All the answers she could possibly want were scrawled on the pages she clutched to her chest, but for the moment she was too terrified to even imagine what they said.

The words hurt her – they clawed at her like Edward's fingers had at Jasper's neck. It hurt that Jasper would read the words aloud. It hurt that Edward would write them. It hurt that he'd kept everything a secret after she had told him so much. It hurt that Alice had stood by and let Jasper do such a thing. It hurt that Emmett hadn't stopped him when he so obviously disagreed. It hurt that Edward hadn't even taken the time to glance at her before he attacked Jasper. It hurt.

Classic rock suddenly interrupted the stillness, and Emmett jumped as he reached for his cell phone. Bella hugged the notebook tighter to her chest, biting on her lip as he glanced at the screen.

"Shit," he mumbled. "Sorry, Bella, I've gotta – "

"It's fine," she managed to say, her voice rough and barely above a whisper.

"Rose," he said when he answered the call. "I'm sorry…no, no, she's fine…I don't…absolutely not, Rosalie…I don't give a flying fuck, I'm not…I'll be home once I've got her with Charlie…no, I'm not taking her to the fucking station…Babe, I love you, I do, but I'm hanging up now."

He flipped the phone shut with a click, and glanced at Bella.

"I'm ready to go home now," she told him quietly.

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"Cause I don't have anything – "

"Em," she said, placing a hand on his forearm. "I'll be ok. I just need to sleep for about two days."

He didn't respond, and she was grateful again for his silence on the trip back to town. He insisted on walking her to her door when they reached her house, scooping her up into an impulsive hug before she had the chance to disappear inside.

"Thanks," she said when he let her go.

"Take care of yourself, ok?"

"Ok."

"I'm serious, Bella."

"I know."

He walked back to the Jeep, and the mere idea of being alone with her thoughts – with the notebook – made her want to chase after him and beg him to stay. She thought about making a big dinner anyway as a distraction, but it would have been useless and she'd just ruin the meal. Instead, she left a message for Charlie that she wasn't feeling well and he should pick himself up something to eat.

The trip up the stairs to her bedroom was slow and yet still seemed to sap all of her energy. Her hand hovered over the doorknob. Emmett's phone call had made her nervous, as it seemed like someone was trying to figure out where she was. The two people she was trying to avoid had both entered into her bedroom through her window before, and even if there were no cars or motorcycles or anything else outside, it didn't mean that they weren't waiting for her. With tiny tremors running through her fingers, she turned the knob and pushed the door slowly open.

She stared for a long moment, taking in the empty bed and the still rocking chair and the window shut tight against the sill. Relief exhaled from deep within her as she shut the door and walked to collapse face down onto her bed. She lay there, trying not to cry, and kicked off her shoes.

When that battle was lost, Bella rolled to her back and stared at the ceiling. She wanted to scream, to flail, to yell, to punch, to act, and instead she was stuck in her room, trapped and terrified. Inching her way toward the headboard, she pulled her knees to her chest and stared balefully at the notebook still on the foot of the bed.

Everything had gone to hell. It had gone to hell when Edward showed up and then it seemed to fix itself when he'd kissed her. It had gone to hell again when Jasper had kissed her and righted itself again when she told off Alice. And now…here she was again…only this time she felt frozen, the tears of her despair weighing her down like lead.

Slowly, she stretched her leg out. Her toe nudged the black spine cautiously, like she was afraid it would burn her. Bella steeled herself and, using her heel, drug the traitorous book until it was sitting right in front of her. If she'd been capable, the strength of her glare would have bored holes straight through the offending cover, burning out the words that still rattled painfully around her brain.

For what felt like hours she just sat there, completely still and staring. Inside the cardboard cover lay all the answers she wanted, and some she probably didn't. Finally, before she could talk herself out of it, she flipped open the cover.

The Forks Experiment

A Social Exploration by EAC

The words stared up at her, and a disappointed sigh escaped her chest. There, in familiar, slanted scrawl, was the evidence that Jasper hadn't been making it up. The words he'd read…those hateful, hurtful words…were true. Tentatively, she flipped the page to the first entry.

Well, at least I know the image worked. I've been here two fucking days and already I've pissed off the Chief of Police and had a pseudo run-in with some townie in an ancient truck…

Bella stared, her eyes running over the paragraphs that told the story of her first encounter with Edward and his shiny black entry was significantly less scientific than she'd expected. Edward mostly just vented about how much he hated Forks and how at least in Seattle there had been a Borders he could escape to. Seeing his thoughts undiluted and completely out in the open made her even more nervous as she turned to the next page…the next day.

Red Truck Girl is interesting. I figured she'd be one of the popular kids. Isn't that how small towns are supposed to work? The kid of the Chief of Police in the thick of all the shit that goes down? Well, she's not. I mean, she's clearly in the middle of some shit, just not the shit. The blond was so clearly, clearly trying to pee all over her at her locker, but he has a girlfriend. God, I should be friends with her just to fucking piss him off.

The cover slammed shut, and it took her a second to realize she'd been the one to do it. She sat, wishing that closing the words in would make them fade away, and just stared. In that moment – that horrible time of realizing that no one was turning out to be what she thought they were – homeschooling suddenly seemed like a very good idea.

She knew that she should sit down and force herself to plow through the pages, reading each entry one by one, but impatience nagged at her and when she finally opened the notebook again, she went directly to the last entry. It was the entry Jasper had read aloud.

"Yesterday," she breathed, looking at the date before her eyes scanned down toward the angry writing of the text below.

I don't know why I thought maybe it could be different, that maybe she'd get her head out of her ass and see things for how they are. Fuck me if the plan didn't work fucking perfectly. I should have known that day at her locker that Bella was just as fucking pathetic as the rest of them. She not worth my fucking time. What was I thinking? I wasn't thinking. I'm not thinking. If I was thinking, I'd never have tried to make it work with someone so fucking dependent on other people to figure out who the hell she is or what the hell she fucking wants. I just need a fucking break.

The blank lines that followed burned into her brain. He'd ended it there. He'd just stopped. He hadn't written that he had changed his mind. He hadn't written that he was only ranting. The words just sat there, complete and on their own, and she wanted to light the whole book on fire and thrust the ashes out into the wind. For a long time she just sat there, staring at nothing but seeing those words etched into her vision, obscuring everything else.

Bella was seriously contemplating taking the damn thing downstairs and pitching it into the fireplace when she heard the door open and Charlie calling her.

"Bella?"

She glanced at the clock, noticing for the first time how late it was. Getting up, she opened her door and poker her head out. "I'm here."

"Still feeling cruddy?"

"Yeah."

"Can you come down here for a sec?"

"Sure thing," she said after a short hesitation, sighing as she slipped out into the hallway and pulled the door shut behind her.

Her body felt like it was trying to move through tar. Any motivation she'd felt for doing anything but curling up in bed had fled, leaving her brain moving too slowly, but she kept walking until she reached the kitchen. Charlie was pulling groceries out of paper bags and putting them in the cabinets.

"You didn't have to do the shopping," Bella frowned. "I was gonna go tomorrow."

"I know. Here," he said and shoved one of the paper bags at her.

"What's this?"

"I…well…"

Curious, she set the bag down on the table and folded back the brown paper. Peering inside, her chest tightened just a bit. Crowded together in the bottom of the bag was a pint of strawberries, a container of banana ice cream, and an entire tube of peanut butter cookie dough. Biting her lip, Bella looked up at her father.

"I…I mean…thanks."

"Do you…want to talk about it?"

"How do you even…Principal Hale called you."

"He had to. There was a fight on campus. They were both pretty beat up."

"Were they…are they…"

"Dr. Cullen was called and they both checked out fine. I'm worried about you."

"I've got supplies," she said, holding up the bag of treats with a timid smile. She headed to the freezer and put the ice cream in, thinking she'd probably need it tomorrow. She grabbed a spoon and turned back to Charlie. "Thanks, Dad. Really."

"I'm, ya know…here if you need me."

"Hopefully, for both our sakes, it won't come to that."

Bella was halfway up the stairs when she realized she hadn't cut open the cookie dough. Mumbling curses to herself, she turned and headed back to the kitchen, passing Charlie shuffling toward the den with a takeout bag in one hand and a Rainier in the other. She dug around in the junk drawer, looking for scissors, but couldn't find any.

Still grumbling to herself, she decided to leave the cookie dough for the following day…or maybe even the day after that or the day after that. The idea that she'd still need a pick me up weeks into the future was depressing, and the tiny sliver of good mood that she'd felt at Charlie's surprising gesture withered almost instantly. After she stowed the cookie dough in the fridge, she pulled the strawberries out as well and dropped the brown paper bag into the recycling box on her way out of the kitchen.

She trekked back up the stairs and twisted the door knob. Just as it started to swing open, she dropped a strawberry and had to drop down to retrieve it. In the middle of dusting it off and deciding if she wanted to eat it, run to the bathroom and rinse it off, or pitch it, she looked up and gasped.

"What are you doing here?" she hissed, hurrying to shut the door and brace herself against it.

"I needed to see you and you fucking ran off," Jasper answered from his perch on her bed where he sat plucking at a loose thread on her comforter. His hair was windblown, but he wasn't wearing his bomber, just a solid black hoodie that only intensified his pallor.

"So knock on the door, asshole," she said, ignoring the clenching of her stomach. Her eyes darted to the open window. "At least that way I can have a chance at slamming the door in your face."

"Bella… I just…let me talk."

"No. You can either climb your ass back out the window or I'll scream for Charlie and he'll pitch you."

"God damnit, B, why do you have to do that?"

"Do what?" she demanded incredulously. "What can I possibly have done to you?"

"You automatically assume the fucking worst of me! Why can't you just listen to me for once?"

"I don't want to listen to you ever."

"I didn't mean to read that part about you. I swear it," he said quickly. "I swear I didn't."

"But you meant to read the rest of it."

"Yes. I did. But it wasn't about you. It was about me and Rosalie and everyone else at school. I read those parts."

"It was still going to embarrass me, J," she whispered angrily. Remembering that the notebook in question was still resting by her pillows, she moved quickly across the room, snatched it up, and crossed to shove it in her dresser. "It was still going to make me look like a fucking idiot. It was still going to hurt me. And I don't even know why you even care about me being upset. It's never stopped you from being a hateful son of a bitch before."

"It was supposed to embarrass Edward."

"Who's my boyfriend!"

He ran his fingers through his hair, fisting it roughly as he collapsed backward onto her mattress. "I broke up with Alice."

Her breath hitched and she took an involuntary step toward him. "What?"

"I broke up with Alice. Now will you stop being a bitch for five seconds and fucking let me talk?"

She couldn't respond. Her mouth was hanging half open, and she was too busy focusing on trying to keep her heart from thundering out of her chest to form a coherent thought, let alone voice one. The first half of his sentence was too shocking for her t even think about his insult. She collapsed back into her rocking chair and just stared at his prone form for a long moment.

"Why are you doing this to me?" she finally whispered. "Do you get off on playing with my mind? Torturing me into confusion?"

"Fuck you!" he exclaimed, sitting bolt upright. "No," he said more quietly when she gaped at his volume.

"I'm so exhausted, J. I'm so very tired of all this."

"And you think I'm not?"

His words sparked her anger. "You haven't been the one to have to deal with the comments and the glares and the…and the…"

"The what?"

"You know what."

"No, I fucking don't. Jesus, Bella, I don't fucking know anything anymore. You just quit talking to me. And then you fucking tried to sabotage me and Alice for fucking no reason. And then you went around acting like it was all my fucking fault!"

"You quit talking to me. And then…you don't get to lecture me after that day."

He flinched at her words, his temper momentarily quelled. "Alice made me keep it secret."

"Fuck that. You know what I'm talking about. You were looking right at me while you…while you guys had…had sex!"

Jasper's whole face lit up bright red, and he stood abruptly and turned away from her.

"I fucking thought so."

"You don't understand anything."

"Because you were too much of a jerk to explain it to me!"

"I was…I can't even fucking say it out loud. God damnit!" he exclaimed, punching her mattress.

"Quit it!" she said, already listening for Charlie. "Why do you have to make this all so fucking hard? Just go, Jasper."

"No. Fuck that."

She choked on a sob. "Why are you such a douche? Seriously. Why?"

"Because I want you!"

Strange silence fell over the room. Jasper looked shell-shocked at his words, and Bella had to turn away. She could hear the TV downstairs but not Charlie, and she was suddenly afraid he'd heard Jasper's outburst. She headed toward the door, trying to give her something to think about other than the words still ringing in her ear. Cracking it open, she poked her head out into the hallway. Her breath whooshed out when she heard Charlie on the phone in the kitchen. She pulled the door shut again but didn't turn around.

"So you're just going to ignore it? Like always?" Jasper demanded.

Bella whirled around. "Ignore it? Ignore, what?"

"I – "

"You didn't say anything for me to ignore!"

"I told you – "

"That you wanted me?"

"Want."

"You want me to pine after you and follow you around and be your damn punching bag you mean!"

"That's not what I said."

"Then explain it to me. Explain it."

"I liked you for the longest time," he said after a hesitation, collapsing back onto her bed. "We were best friends, B. And…and then I liked you as something more than that. I don't know how it happened, but all of a sudden one day you were all I could fucking think about."

"You're lying," she whispered.

He glared at her. "This is hard enough already and you're going to mock me?"

She shook her head emphatically side to side, and the anger in his eyes softened.

"I liked you, but you didn't even notice."

"What the hell was I suppose to be noticing, J?"

"I don't know! I didn't…I even flirted with Alice to try to make you jealous but you didn't even care. I realized you weren't ever going to want me and so I asked you about Alice, and you went out of your way to be a bitch and sabotage it. I couldn't figure out what I'd done to make you hate me like that."

Bella flushed bright red, but didn't say anything. She had to hear the end – she had to hear the explanation she'd been so desperate for. She wasn't sure what she'd do or decide when he was done, but she still needed to know.

"And so I went to Alice myself. She was all flirty and said she liked me, but she said we should keep it a secret from you."

"For how long?"

"Two months."

"Two months?" she asked in a gasp.

"It felt like forever – "

"You guys…after only two months?"

This time Jasper's cheeks turned pink. "Would you quit being so fucking judgmental!"

"God, it can't have even been two months. That didn't look like a – "

"It wasn't. Not that it's any of your damn business."

Her eyes narrowed. "You're right. It isn't. Get out."

"Shit. And you wonder why I don't ever talk to you!"

"You didn't just not talk to me! You were awful to me."

"I was fucking angry."

"That's bullshit," she huffed.

"Look, do you want me to explain this whole fucking mess to do you want to keep bitching at me?"

"I'm not so sure anymore."

"I was thinking about you," he said quickly.

"What? What the hell – "

"That day, when you walked in. I'd been thinking about you. And then there you were. And I couldn't look away and I couldn't stop thinking about you and I almost fucking hated you for being there and invading my brain and just ruining my fucking life."

"Jasper, I – "

"I care about Alice, I do. But…I never stopped wanting you. I was so mad at you and I hated that you made me feel so fucking worthless, so I went out of my way to make you feel as worthless as you'd made me feel. And then fucking Cullen shows up with his fancy car and his smart mouth and his creepy stares and you just go to him like it's no big deal. And then he's touching you and kissing you and smiling at you and then fucking smirking at me when you weren't looking and always writing in that fucking notebook when you weren't around…it fucking hurt all over again."

"You were with Alice."

"Because I couldn't be with you."

"You could have been," she said softly.

His head whipped up. His eyes asked the question that hadn't yet made its way to his mouth.

"That's why I lied to you about Alice. I couldn't...it made me sick to even think about you with someone else. It did make me jealous."

"Why the fuck didn't you just tell me?"

"Because you'd been acting weird for months. And you didn't say anything either!"

"So what the fuck now?"

"I…don't know."

"I still want you, B."

"You want me…what the hell does that even mean?"

Jasper started to answer, but steps on the stairs made them both freeze. She gestured franticly toward the closet, and hustled over to push him toward it. He'd just shut the door behind him when there was a knock on the bedroom door.

"You ok, kiddo?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"You need anything?"

"I'm good, thanks."

"Um, Edward called for you three times."

"What did you tell him?" she asked, swinging the door open. Thinking about Edward still made her angry and sad and betrayed all at once but it still made her heart skip to think that he'd been calling.

"What did he say?"

"He just asked to talk to you."

"And what did you say?"

"I said you were asleep. Is…is that ok?"

"It's perfect, Dad. Thanks."

"Well…night."

Bella closed the door on his retreating back and went to open the closet. Jasper stood, huddled amongst a rainbow of cardigans. His hair was a mess, and there was a dust bunny clinging to the shoulder of his hoodie. Without thinking, she reached to brush it off. As soon as her hand made contact, Jasper grabbed it and held it to his chest.

"This. This is what I mean. Don't you...you have to feel it."

"I feel it," she breathed, staring at his fingers clasped around hers.

"Then why did you push me away?" he asked, and for the first time his voice was neither angry nor exhausted, just needy. He reached out and grabbed hold of her other hand, tightening his hold on her.

"You were with Alice."

"I wish you'd read my note."

She'd almost forgotten the note she'd so petulantly crumpled and pitched back at him. "What difference would it have made?"

"I told you that everything was different and you threw it back in my face."

"Why didn't you just tell me that night," she begged.

"Because I was scared. I was fucking terrified!"

"You just left me there. What did you think was going to happen?"

Tears were brewing, and her vision started to blur at the sudden influx of moisture. She blinked angrily, willing them away, but traitorous tears slid down her cheeks. She wanted to wipe them away, but Jasper still had hold of her hands. He didn't make any move to wipe them away either, just stared at her, watching them drip from her jaw.

That feeling – that simultaneous rush of warmth and nerves and fear and just heat – washed over her when his gaze didn't flinch. She hated the butterflies that made her tingle and the burn she felt from his fingers. She hated the way her pulse raced as he took hold of both of her hands in one of his. She hated the way her breathing turned rapid when rough fingers finally trailed down her cheek. She hated the way she automatically tilted her face into his palm.

Mostly she hated how much she loved all of those things too.

The confusion and the fear and the anger and the sadness were all dwarfed when Jasper slid his fingers from his cheek to the back of her neck, tilting her head up and pulling her mouth to his. Though the buildup had been almost tender, as soon as their lips met desperation took over. Hands fumbled, fingers tangled in hair, and feet stumbled as they tried to get out of the closet.

Their tangled bodies collapsed onto her bed. Jasper tucked her into his side, his lips trailing down her neck and across her jaw line and along the tiny sliver of shoulder exposed by her too big t-shirt Bella tugged on his shoulders until their mouths met again, a tortured groan escaping her.

Rough hands slid up over her rib cage and this time it was Jasper groaning as his tongue traced her bottom lip before sucking it into his mouth. The only thing she could think about was the familiar fire raging on inside of her and how this time she wouldn't be able to stop it…this time it would burn her up.

Her eyes flashed open as one finger ran down the center of her stomach and past her belly button, tracing along the waist band of her jeans. In that split second of awareness – that tiny moment where she actually thought about what she was doing and looked around – her eyes automatically flashed to the window. Jasper froze at the gasp that escaped her lips. He turned to look at the point where her eyes were fixed.

They both stared silently at the white box tied with silvery blue ribbon that rested on the windowsill. Bella could just make out the edges of a fold of paper held underneath the ribbon. She was immediately pushing at Jasper's chest, sliding out from under him and padding across the floor to peer out the window. The ladder Jasper had used to get in the window was still propped there, but aside from the box there was no sign of anyone else.

Without turning around, she picked up the package and removed the ribbon. She walked to her dresser and placed the still folded note on the worn wooden surface. Inhaling deeply, she flipped open the lid. There, nestled together, was an assortment of cannolis. Some were plain, some dipped in chocolate, some dusted with pistachio. But all of the same origin.

Edward. Edward had been there. Edward had climbed the ladder, likely knowing that someone else was already in her room. Edward had seen…what had Edward seen?

"B?" Jasper asked, moving to stand behind her.

"I think I need to sleep now," she whispered, still staring at the little hand crafted deserts.

"Because of Cullen?" he demanded.

"Yes."

"But after what he wrote – "

"What he wrote is no worse than how you spent years treating me."

"But – "

"I just – "

"Fine. Whatever."

She set the box down and moved her fingers to her temples, her eyes squinched shut. It was frustrating how quickly he'd gone back to being prickly and cold, even if she was pushing him away. "Please don't do this again. I'm allowed to be upset here, ok? He was my boyfriend, and you've been nothing but a fucking ass, J."

"Was?" he asked, clinging to one word.

"I don't know."

"All right. I'll go. Can I…can I pick you up in the morning?"

"No," she said. "No. I'll see you at school."

He didn't respond. She was afraid he'd try to kiss her again and knew that if he did, she wouldn't be able to make him leave. Instead, he just turned and swung a leg over the sill to the waiting ladder. She didn't watch him leave. When she heard the ladder being slowly lowered and carried away, she picked up the note Edward had left her. With trembling fingers, she unfolded the crisp cream paper. Two words stared up at her.

Read everything.

Bella let out a shaky breath, her eyes scanning the words rapidly over and over. Finally, she slid open the drawer she'd stuffed the notebook in earlier. She walked to the window, shutting it firmly, and climbed back into bed not even bothering to undress. Steeling herself, she opened the cover and started to read.