Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of its characters etc, and I wish SM didn't own them either.

Chapter Eighteen – She Realizes

Bella sat in her truck, her knee bouncing up and down and her hands tapping spastically on the steering wheel as she stared through the rain and waited. For now, everything was fine…everything was normal. As far as Mike Newton and Lauren Mallory and Eric Yorkie and everyone else knew, today was no different than it had been the previous day. She was still a doormat and Jasper was still an asshole and Alice was still addicted to drama and Rosalie was still addicted to attention and Edward Cullen was still the new guy with the holier-than-thou douche-itude perfected. They all waited, hovering like vultures, for these objects of gossip to appear…for something worthy of talking about to finally occur.

Part of her wanted to breeze past them all, head held high, and let them know how beneath her notice they were. But they weren't. She did notice them – she did care – and so she hunkered down in her seat and scanned the parking lot. Alice's beat up Beamer was conspicuously absent from its usual parking place, a fact that made Bella's stomach jump in both guilt and glee. Her friend was hiding – there was no other explanation for Alice to miss out on the aftermath of the previous day.

The previous day. The words refused to conform to her perception of time. It was almost impossible to believe that Edward had first arrived less than three weeks ago. Three weeks. 21 days. 504 hours. 30,240 minutes. So much had happened – so much was still happening . Three weeks ago her life had been uncomplicated. She had lived in a universe she understood and could manage and she simply had to sit back and bide her time until she was finally free and could start over. These same thoughts had been running through her brain for days, but still she couldn't let them go.

A flash of black caught her eye, and her head jerked up to look in her rearview mirror. Edward's black Volvo drove behind her truck, pulling into Alice's usual space a couple spots down. Her whole body stood tense as she tried to keep from watching his door…tried to keep herself from wanting desperately to catch just a glimpse of him. Part of her wanted to see him look normal so she could stop feeling guilty. But the selfish rest of her wanted to see him as wrecked as she felt.

Even after reading his notebook – even after knowing the whole story – she'd known what she had to do.

Jasper had been tied up in her life practically since infancy. It killed her to have to read Edward's words, to see how many times her feelings for Jasper had hurt him and why he'd been so hurt. But…he'd still kept everything a secret, and she hadn't been able to make herself forget his hypocrisy. If he'd been honest with her when she'd been honest with him instead of telling her just enough to appease her questions, Jasper's public performance wouldn't have changed anything.

Today could have been the same for her as yesterday in the same way it was for everyone else. But he'd lied and he'd kept secrets when she'd spilled her entire story and now she was left questioning every single thing she did. Her insecurity just made her mad at him again, irrational though it was. He was the one who had come and told her to stand up for herself. To fight for what she wanted. To forget everyone else and make herself happy. And now, she was doing what she could to make that happen.

When she glanced up again, he was standing in front of her truck, tiny rivulets of water running down the already slick surface of his rain jacket. She couldn't help but think of the hour he'd sat soaking wet in the tree outside of her window just to talk to her. Her heart jumped in her chest and her mouth went dry as he stood and continued to stare.

Her cheeks flamed red. She could see for the first time that his guard was completely down – she could see his anger in his eyes and his fear in the tense set of his shoulders and that tiny glimmer of hope in the way he was chewing on the very corner of his lip as he stared.

She felt like she couldn't breathe. Soon, Edward's eyes weren't the only ones on her. They'd captured the attention of the rest of the student body as well. When she could bear it no more – when she felt like diving under her dashboard and hiding her face in her messenger bag, she buried her face in her hands and tried to duck out of view.

After a few moments, she cracked her fingers to peek at her surroundings again. Edward was gone, and she let her hands melt off of her face into a twisted puddle in her lap. A quick glance showed that he had not proceeded inside as she'd hoped. Instead, he stood hunched over with his back pressed against the faded red brick of the main building, his eyes hidden from view by his hood. All around him people were whispering behind their hands, giggling and darting their eyes furtively between him and Bella.

He was waiting.

Bella didn't know what to do. He would find out. Hell, he already knew. He'd seen them when he left the cannolis. She hadn't returned his calls. He had to know. Which meant that he wasn't waiting to see her and Jasper together. He was waiting to see how she'd handle it.

His sick little tests drove her crazy. She wasn't a lab rat. She wasn't a subject to be studied. She was a person…she'd been his girlfriend. She knew what he'd be expecting. All previous evidence showed that she'd do exactly as she'd done moments ago – she'd bury her head in the sand and hide behind Jasper and the idea that he would think that of her and be right was maddening.

Just then, the flashy red of Rosalie's mustang pulled into its spot at the front center aisle. She could see Jasper's blond head in the backseat, and knew he and Emmett must have ridden with Rosalie because of the rain. As soon as the car had stopped, she could see him hurrying Rosalie out. When she'd made it through the open door, he flipped her seat forward and stepped into the rain. His eyes were automatically pulled toward hers. He smiled at her, and she felt the familiar flames lapping at her heart.

He wore his familiar bomber over a plain gray fitted t-shirt, but carried no other protection from the elements as he practically sprinted toward her. Before she even thought about what she was doing, she had opened the door and hopped to the ground to wait for him. His hand reached out for hers for the final few steps it took to reach her side. Immediately she'd reached out to meet his touch. He just stood there, looking at her for a moment, before he leaned down and brushed her neck with his lips.

"Ok?" he asked.

She nodded her assent and stood waiting as he draped her own rain jacket around her shoulders. When he was satisfied that she was protected from the never ending drizzle, he gripped her hand tighter and headed for class.

Jasper bristled under the stares, but she kept herself as calm as possible. She didn't cuddle into his side or giggle or bury her face in his shoulder as she walked – she just moved forward as if she'd been doing it every day for her whole life.

The whispers intensified, a steady hiss of sound snaking its way through the open courtyard. It took all of her focus to keep from faltering. She knew Edward was watching, could feel his eyes burning a hole in her side. They'd almost made it to the door before she allowed her eyes to glance in his direction.

He was still standing hunched against the wall, but the tension in his shoulders had doubled and all hope had evaporated. He seemed empty to her, and her shoulders drooped at the thought.

Sensing her mood, Jasper followed her eyes and frowned.

"Bella – "

"I know."

"I just – "

"I know, J."

"We talked and – "

"And I told you before I went home home. The last three weeks happened, whether you or anyone else likes it or not. I can't just erase them just like you just can't erase Alice and – "

"I don't think we need a rehashing of Jasper Hale's Top Ten Moments of Fuckery," he grumbled.

"I didn't mean to. I swear. But…we both have to be patient with each other. We've got a lot of water and stuff under our bridge and…well…"

"Some shit over the top?"

Bella smiled up at him sadly. "Yeah."

"I told you I was sorry."

"We still have more to talk about."

"We could ditch English?"

She came to an abrupt halt midway through rounding the corner that would take them to the portable. "You just want me away from Edward."

"Fine. If there was such a thing as fucking Cullen repellant, I'd make you bathe in it. Honestly, just being here is pissing me off. Let's bail. They can all gossip to their pathetic little hearts' content, and when we come back it won't be as big a thing."

"Are you crazy? It will be just as big a deal!"

"It won't feel like as big a deal to me."

"I already blew off English like three times in the last month, Jasper. I don't think – "

"I'll text my dad. He'll mark us excused. Come on."

"Where are we going?"

"Pancakes?"

"We'll never make it to Kalaloch in time for breakfast. And we certainly won't be back here in time for history. Probably not for math either, and I refuse – "

"Please?" he asked quietly, reaching out to again take hold of her flailing hands. "I…well…I mean…fuck it. I want us to start fresh, Bella. We need to talk more where we can't be..."

"Distracted?" she offered, unable to look him in the eye. "All right. But I have to be back for calculus."

"Deal," Jasper said, leaning down and kissing her casually before tucking her into his arms and burying his face in her hair.

That same nonchalance she'd tried to put on when they had approached the school terrified her when displayed by Jasper. She'd been pretending – acting like everything was fine when inside she was a million kinds of a mess. Jasper, though, seemed to genuinely think that everything was normal and ordinary and not so confusing that it seemed like nothing would ever make sense again. For as much as Bella wanted to believe Jasper's apology – as much as she wanted to try – a part of her still couldn't trust him enough to know that this wasn't all some big game or cruel joke.

With her face buried in his shoulder, Bella was biting her lip and trying not to cry. It was all so overwhelming and it took every ounce of effort she had left not to just throw her arms wide and scream into the sky. Having to stand there in that moment and feel so much, her boy troubles felt anything but petty and insignificant.

When they finally released their hold on each other, she knew immediately that he'd be watching. It was like some crazy sixth sense – an alarm bell ringing in the back of her head – that let her know that Edward was looking. Her eyes roamed until she spotted him, standing outside of the English building. His hood was thrown back, and she could see the flush of anger in his cheeks. Too soon, she knew, she forced herself to turn away, letting Jasper lead her back to her truck.

"Can I drive?"

"What?" she asked, wrinkling her nose in confusion.

"I want to drive."

"But…why?"

"Because this truck is an example of American engineering at its best."

"Stop making fun of me," she sighed, moving toward the driver's side door.

"I'm not!" he argued, stepping between her and the rusted metal.

"You've called my truck all sorts of names since I've had it. You said it should be put out of its misery."

"I didn't mean it."

"So you were just being an ass?"

"Yes. I was absolutely being an ass."

"It's not funny."

"Believe me, I know."

"So why do I feel like you're mocking me?"

"Because you don't trust me."

"Should I?"

"Quit being ridiculous and fork over the keys."

"You didn't answer my question."

Sighing, he stepped closer to her. "I know I fucked up hardcore – really hardcore – but I want to fix it."

"I know," she said, handing him the keys. "But – "

"It's going to be hard. Yeah, yeah."

She frowned the entire way around the truck. When she'd opened the door and settled in, she found that he was frowning too.

"How can you be so calm about this?" she demanded.

"What does that mean?"

"Aren't you scared or anything? Nervous? Apprehensive?"

"At the risk of sounding like a tool, what I am is fucking grateful, B. I've wanted you and wanted you and I was such a god damn prick and here you are, talking to me and trying to figure this shit out. Yeah, I'm scared. Yeah, I'm apprehensive. But I'm not going to just give up. That's what I did before and behold my success," he said, shaking his head and cranking the key in the ignition.

Jasper stayed silent for much of the ride down the coast, though the quick glances he made toward her let Bella know that he was clearly waiting for her to talk. It was strange, being near him and staying so quiet…no arguing, no jumping each other, just a not quite peaceful silence. They needed more arguing and more talking and, she had to own, more jumping each other. But the idea that they could just sit comforted her, pushed back her fears.

They hadn't done much talking the previous night by the river. She instinctively tucked her chin into her chest, letting her hair fan down and hide the burning of her cheeks as she remembered exactly how little talking they'd done. She'd driven home from the Hale's afterward an emotionally drained mess and still hadn't recovered.

Everything had been so in the moment – had happened so fast – that she'd forgotten half of the things she'd needed to say to him and ask him about. His revelation that he'd thought she hated her had made her forget the rest of the hateful things he'd said to her the day he keyed the Volvo.

"You said my sick little obsession with you."

He jumped at the sound of her voice, his head whipping back and forth between her and the slick, windy road spread out in front of them. "What?"

"The day you keyed Edward's car. You said you'd tell everyone about my sick little obsession with you. I thought – "

"That's not what I meant."

"Are you sure? Because it sounded to me like – "

"I'm serious. I…Alice told me that you played these games. That you'd try to make me uncomfortable or freak me out just to prove you could."

"Alice told you that?"

"Yeah. Like that day Emmett asked you out? She told me you put him up to it."

"But…I talked to Emmett about that! He explained to you – "

"I thought he was covering for you."

"Why the hell would he do that, J?" she demanded. "It would've – it did just piss off Rosalie."

"And then there was you holding my hand the day Cullen showed up and that day in the library with Emmett. And all the shit with Cullen… agreeing to be his partner instead of mine in English, being his personal fucking tour guide."

"That doesn't have anything to do with me having an obsession with you. With everything else you said that day, about me catching you and Alice and my unrequited crush and – "

"I already told you – "

"Yes, I know you did. But – "

"But you don't believe me," he finished for her.

"I'm sorry. I'm just trying to figure this whole mess out. You confused me for so long and – "

"Alice told me all that, Bella. I fucking swear. But it was my dumb ass that believed it. I wanted to believe it, because even if you hated me I still mattered. God, I sound like a total fucking pussy right now."

"It's just….I had this picture of what you thought of me and so I assumed…"

"And I told you about the unrequited crush part. I…I was totally convinced that Edward was just using you to piss everyone else off. I told you about the way he'd fucking smirk at me and…well."

"You were right."

"In the beginning I was," he mumbled.

"What?" she said, turning her attention away from the gray-blue blur of ocean flying past her window.

"I was wrong. Cullen likes you," he admitted, though his whole body was rigid as he watched her out of the corner of his eye.

"I know he does," she sighed. "And right now I wish he didn't."

"Me fucking too," Jasper agreed, flipping the turn indicator and getting ready to pull into the Kalaloch parking lot.

Kalaloch was a large collection of beachfront cabins, some directly on the bluff, with a large lodge – covered in shingles faded gray by the ocean breeze – that served quite possibly the most delicious pancakes Bella had ever eaten. Not that she'd eaten all that many outside of the lodge, but still – she knew a good pancake when she presented with one, and these were the fluffiest, most delicious, and most perfectly golden brown she'd ever even seen

She heaved open the door and jumped quickly to the ground, sliding just barely on the sandy mud deposited on the pavement. The steady roar of the ocean surrounded her, and she breathed deeply of the salty air, just tinted with the sweet smell of cedar.

"If I could live here, I'd do it," Jasper said, coming up beside her.

"Your mother would love that," she snorted, sliding her hand through his arm.

"I'm serious."

"What happened to your big New York plans?"

"I think those were Alice's big New York plans. I'd miss Washington too much."

"But you guys always said – "

"I said a lot of shit, B."

When she looked up at him, his face was calm and his eyes were slowly scanning the horizon. It had been easy to forget how much he loved the ocean too, how they used to come out with Charlie and play in the freezing water of the river let off. How Jasper used to engineer bridges for the tourists to walk across and then pout when Charlie wouldn't let him charge them to use it.

"Come on," she said, tugging gently on his arm. "I'm starving."

They walked up the ramp toward the entry, Bella stepping into the bright, warm interior while Jasper held the door open for her. They slipped inside, past the newspaper articles about Laura Bush's visit to the Washington coast and into the snug dining area. Aside from one elderly couple, the window covered room was mercifully empty.

"Two," Jasper said, smiling at the hostess.

"Aren't you two kinda young to be in here this time a day?" she teased.

"Mental health day," Jasper winked.

"All right. Well, I'll be your server this morning. Can I get you two something to drink?"

"Orange juice," Bella said.

"Coffee. Black. And I think we'd both like the short stack, extra butter and extra syrup. And," he paused to look at Bella, "two sides of bacon?"

"And a side of sausage," she added. "We'll share."

"Better make it two," Jasper amended. "You suck at sharing."

The waitress walked away with their unused menus still tucked under her and, scribbling on her pad and chuckling. They sat in silence once more while they waited for her to come back with a pot of coffee in one hand and Bella's juice in the other.

"Your food'll be out in just a sec guys," she told them over her shoulder

"I've missed you," Jasper said quietly when she'd walked away.

"Me too."

"I used to come up with these grand plans to get you back. Then I'd convince myself you'd laugh at me and chicken out. And that just made me angrier and angrier every time, even though it wasn't your fault."

"If I'd told you – "

"You're right. Why would you have? I misinterpreted everything, anyway. I'd have thought you were making fun of me."

"How do we go back?" she asked. "I…you hurt me so much. So much. And I'm not telling you this to make you feel bad, even if I kinda hope you do, but I cried so much and I was so exhausted and…I've been a mess."

"I have been too."

"Yeah. A mess with a girlfriend you liked a lot. And don't even try arguing with me. I know you liked her. You probably still do. But you were the one who was better off than me."

"You could have had boyfriends."

"Yeah. Mike Newton. Jake Black. Tyler. A veritable buffet of fine male specimens."

"Fine, point taken. But – "

He was interrupted by the arrival of their food. Two plates heaped with butter smothered pancakes were placed before them along with a pitcher of real maple syrup and their sides. Bella immediately pulled a plate of sausage toward her and doused it in the syrup while Jasper rolled his eyes and the waitress wrinkled her nose.

"I like what I like," she said simply, reaching for a piece of bacon and taking a bite.

When they had assured the waitress that everything looked delicious and they didn't need anything else, she left them and Jasper finished his thought. "You had Edward," he said between mouthfuls of pancake.

"I know I did. But…I couldn't be with him, not when I felt the way I feel about you."

As soon as the words left out of her mouth, she inhaled so sharply she almost choked on her sausage. She zoned out as Jasper changed the subject, already thinking ahead to the weekend and what movies were out in Port Angeles or maybe a road trip to Seattle if it didn't rain.

She hadn't been able to make it work with Edward because of how she felt about Jasper. So how the hell was she supposed to make it work, or even try to make it work, with Jasper when she still had feelings for Edward. The realization was like the keystone of the emotional mess she'd been all day. With that final piece in place, the fear she'd felt all day made sense. She'd felt exactly the way she had when she was with Edward, only in reverse. The guilt and apprehension and nerves even when she was theoretically happy…it was all the same.

The familiar drowning sensation washed over her and she had to fight to keep her face calm and interested. Jasper stopped talking.

"You ok?"

"Yeah," she choked out. "Something just went down the wrong pipe, that's all."

"Drink some juice then. And try to take smaller bites. There's plenty."

She returned his nervous smile with a wobbly one of her own. The rest of breakfast seemed to crawl by. She still chatted, she still laughed, she still ate, but inside she felt nothing. All she could think about was what she was going to do. She hadn't been lying when she said she'd missed Jasper – she had – and she didn't know how she was going to keep from losing him, keep from hurting him again.

In that moment, all she knew was that she'd made a huge mistake.