Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of its characters etc, and I wish SM didn't own them either.

Chapter Nineteen – She Can Do It

Edward wasn't standing outside when Bella rumbled into the parking lot Monday morning. She hadn't really expected him to be in the torrential downpour, so she was very surprised to see that Jasper was. He stood leaning against his sister's car, a huge umbrella in his grip, watching. The look on his face broke her heart into a million pieces. Equal parts rage and hurt and frustration and hate and love beamed across the parking lot like emotional lasers, and each tiny pulse felt like a direct hit.

It was hard not going to him, not burying herself into his chest and inhaling him, holding him, and making that awful look go away. She'd thought he hated her before, but now she'd given him a reason for it. Yet still he stood, staring relentlessly at her, his cool gaze trapping her in the cab of her truck. She was thankful that there was no one else to witness the moment of weakness when she'd reached for the door almost desperately just as he turned to walk away from her.

Bella waited until he had stalked inside before climbing out, rushing across campus and ending up three minutes late to first period. When she walked in, she noticed Edward's seat was empty. Even though she knew it shouldn't, her heart sank in her chest. Jasper was staring at her still, his eyes boring into hers, and all she wanted to do was run right back out the door. Instead, she sat quietly, once again looking resolutely forward and taking meticulous notes as she focused on anything but the tingly feeling of being watched.

By the time the bell rang, the torrential downpour had stopped, letting students dawdle together in little groups outside. Walking to her next period, gossipy whispers assaulted her ears from every direction.

"I heard that McCarty and Rosalie walked in on Jasper and Bella doing it on his bike."

"I heard Hale showed up at the new kid's house and threatened him with a gun."

"No way. I heard Cullen strung up a dead bird outside Jasper's window!"

She couldn't stop herself from snorting derisively. At least as far as rumors went, these were out of the box. She was just about to open her mouth with a retort when she heard a rumor that made her heart stop in her chest.

"Did you hear about Alice though?" Lauren Mallory's nasally voice questioned. "I might have heard that there's a reason she hasn't been in school since Jasper dumped her ass."

It was like a bucket of cold water had been dumped on her head. Bella pretended to dig through her bag, glancing at the group of students huddled together. Lauren's mouth was set into a grim line, but her eyes were alight with the excitement of knowing something no one else did.

"What?" Jessica Stanley demanded. "Is she ashamed to show her face? Not enough black in her wardrobe for a proper drama queen mourning period?"

"Better," Lauren whispered over the strained silence. "My mom saw her name on the rotation charts at the hospital, but Dr. Cullen snatched the file before she could see."

Bella held her breath, unable to hear whatever it was that Eric Yorkie was whispering to Lauren, who gave a sad chuckle in response.

"As if, Eric," she scoffed. "Her parents have demanded total privacy. The rumor is she's there for psychiatric observation."

"What'd she do, slit her wrists?" Jessica asked.

Lauren only smiled knowingly, and it took all of Bella's limited self-control to keep her from running over and yanking the other girl to the ground by her gaudy earrings. Her breath hitched in her chest as she contemplated what was being said. Alice wasn't the slit her wrists type. At least, she wasn't before. She'd once broken a nail while distressing a bolt of denim and had cried for days that her finger was going to have to be amputated to save herself from the pain. But then…Alice was a drama queen. It would be just like her to get pouty and then cut off her nose to spite her face.

Dropping her bag back to her side, she raced across campus to the physics lab, peeking her door in to see if Emmett had arrived. She was thankful when he looked up right as her head came into view, immediately standing and hurrying to her side as he caught the panicked look on her face. He took her arm, leading her around the corner so that they were hidden by the lockers.

"What is it? What's he done to you now? I swear to fucking – "

"No one did anything to me. I just…I heard…I mean, everyone was talking and…"

"No, Cullen didn't nail a dead cat to the Hale's front door, Bella."

She scowled at him. "I know that," she snipped. "Alice. Tell me about Alice?"

"What about Alice?" he asked, his brow furrowing as he cocked his head to the side.

"She didn't…I mean she hasn't…she's still…"

"Still what?"

"She didn't kill herself did she? I mean, I know it's stupid but it was Lauren and her mother – "

"I am going to string that bitch up by her fake nails," Emmett said, his eyes narrowing as he scanned the halls and rubbed a fist into his open palm.

"So Alice is all right?" Bella breathed, her hand flying to her chest.

"Physically, yes. Mentally, that girl is looney tunes."

"What – "

"I don't mean because of you. I mean in general. She's been skipping classes to avoid seeing Jasper. Then, this weekend when everyone heard about you guys going to Seattle together, she started claiming she was going to eat paint or fill her pockets with rocks and drown herself in the ocean or some shit."

"Are you kidding me?"

"No. You know her mother. Alice went straight to the hospital for a psych evaluation. Any excuse to get people to talk about her. Total BS."

"So she's fine."

"Hell yeah she's fine. Dr. Cullen sent her right home. I hear he gave her a pretty big lecture about the dangers of suicide threats and the selfishness of wasting precious hospital resources for made up maladies and shit."

"How do you even know this?"

"Mr. Brandon called Mrs. Hale Sunday night, trying to give her the heads up so she could try to convince Jasper to see Alice. She's apparently been sitting in her room screaming his name."

"She is unbelievable," Bella grumbled. "She used to do that all the time for attention – sit in her room and wail and wail until her parents gave in just to stop the noise."

"Well, Mrs. Hale reamed Jasper pretty good about it all. Rosie and I heard it from upstairs."

"Was Jasper upset?" she asked tentatively.

"He was ten kinds of pissed. He ripped into his mother about how Alice was manipulative and knew how people would react so she pulled these stunts all the time and he was sick of them. He said he wouldn't play her games anymore and went upstairs and slammed the door. Rose tried to get him to come out, but I didn't see him 'til they picked me up this morning."

"Wonderful. Really great."

"Don't be so hard on yourself, Bella. It's not your fault. Me being ten minutes late for physics is, though. Feel bad about that."

"Oh crap," she moaned. "I've got history. Thanks, Em. You're amazing."

"I know," he smirked, ruffling her hair before turning back toward his class.

Her feelings were mixed as she hurried to class. Relief that Alice wasn't really dead. Annoyance that she'd tried to start a rumor like that to get Jasper back. And anger that Lauren Mallory was such a total bitch. Not for the first time she wished she was still talking to Edward. This time, though, she wanted to be able to tell Dr. Cullen that Mrs. Mallory was going through patients' files and discussing their contents with her daughter.

Getting through the rest of the day was easier than she'd thought it would be, mostly because she only had Jasper's glares to worry about. She'd avoided him and hid in the library for lunch. She again kept her eyes resolutely forward through calculus. She skipped out on gym and headed back toward the library for her last period of the day. And, just before the bell finally rang, she bolted to her truck. Watching over her shoulder as she hurried out of the building, she breathed a sigh of relief that no one was following her.

When her eyes focused back on the direction she was walking, she stumbled. There he stood, waiting patiently next to her truck.

"Fleeing?"

"Or so I thought," she mumbled, fumbling with her key ring as she struggled to unlock her door.

"Just like that? We're back to the way things were?"

"Wait a second. Are you acting like this is my fault?"

He looked at her like she had suddenly sprouted a second head. "You were the one who broke up with me yesterday."

"And, if memory serves, you were the one who went freaking postal on me!"

"I was upset," he said calmly.

"What do you want, J?"

"I want you to take back what you said yesterday. I want to fucking invent a god damn time machine and pop back about five years and kick my own ass. Then yours. I want to kiss you again. I want to yell at you until this fucking ache goes away."

"I can't do this. You know why I can't."

"I know why you think you can't."

"Don't," she pleaded, pulling open her door and pitching in her bag. "Don't do this to me. Because I want to take back what I said. But you know what else I want. It's too late."

"Don't fucking say that."

"It is. It's too late, and that blame we'll have to share."

"I'm begging. I miss you, B. I've missed you for years and I was an ass and I'm sorry and I know I can't erase it but Jesus…don't do this to me again."

Bella inhaled sharply, her lips pressing into a thin line as she stared up at him. Her first response was to want to kick him in the shin for acting like this was her fault, but when she saw the desperate look in his eyes her frustration melted away. What he'd done to her aside, she had abandoned him before.

"I just can't."

"You mean you won't."

"I can't because I won't."

"You're a fucking tease."

"You don't mean that," she said climbing into her truck. "And I'm leaving before you say a bunch of other stuff you'll just feel bad about later."

"Shows what you know."

She raised an eyebrow. "Do you see? Right now? This is why I have to do this."

"You have to do this because you're still salivating over Edward fucking Cullen."

"That's part of it too," she acknowledged.

"You're just selfish," he said simply crossing his arms and glaring.

She met his gaze and held it. "Yeah. I am."

With a quiet sigh, Bella heaved the door shut and started the ignition. Jasper was still standing there, the anger that had been on his face only seconds ago completely gone. Seeing him so blank made her want to leap back out of the door and apologize, but again she stayed strong and calmly pulled out of her parking space and drove away.

The entire trip home she thought about her last words to him. He was right, and she was right to admit it. But that didn't mean it was a bad thing. For years she'd been so caught up in what Jasper thought of her and what everyone else was whispering that she'd hidden away and let herself be miserable. No more. As bad as she felt for hurting Jasper, she felt better knowing that for once she'd stood up and done what she knew she had to do.

She was almost smiling when she turned the corner toward home and saw a very familiar, very glossy black car parked in her driveway. Her first instinct was to jam her foot down on the gas and drive past as quickly as possible; it was too soon after her confrontation with Jasper to talk to Edward. She could see him waiting on her porch, and for a split second thought that his distance from his car might give her enough of a head-start to get away.

The road before her was long and straight, and with his absolute disregard for the speed limit when it didn't suit his needs, she knew she needed to stick to her new, independent woman mentality. Almost immediately her foot slipped from the gas and she slowed to turn into the driveway. Her heart was already starting to race as he moved down the walk, and she took a second to drink up the sight of him.

His hair was messier than usual, his face paler. He sported his familiar grimace, and the resigned dullness in his pale green eyes – no longer marred by scrawled on guyliner – made her stomach sink. She noticed that his nails were clean of any polish, but he still wore his ratty, dark wash jeans and a red flannel open over a black band t-shirt. He was heartbreakingly, rakishly sexy, and she was so busy ogling that he was almost to her door before she remembered that she was supposed to be getting out.

She got out of the truck and stumbled to the ground, slamming the door behind her. Her hands were already fidgeting as she tried to think of what to say to him. And how to say it. How was she ever going to tell him what she needed to tell him? She'd been so prepared to talk to Jasper – she'd had reason after reason why their time had passed. But the more she'd thought about it since that breakfast, she'd had less and less reasons to give Edward. Telling him that he'd been right all along – that she still had feelings for Jasper and she couldn't just forget – seemed impossibly hard.

"Hey," he said softly when they met on the path.

"Hey," she replied, and her voice sounded hoarse. She cleared her throat. "Did you…Are you here for your journal?"

"No. I mean, yeah, I want it back," he said quickly. "But that's not why I'm here."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Do you want to come in?"

He nodded and waited for her to slip around him. She kept her eyes on her hands and she walked quickly up to the front door, sliding her key in the lock and pressing it open with her shoulder. She dumped her bag and her keys at the hall tree and turned around.

"Wait right here," she ordered before running up the stairs and into her room, pulling the journal out from between her mattress and box-springs before sprinting back downstairs and thrusting it into his hands. "Here."

He reached to take the journal from her, and his fingertips just brushed hers. Immediately she felt that sense of warmth and peace and she blushed as she jerked back.

He set the journal on the hall tree with a whispered thanks.

"Edward – "

"I know you broke up with Jasper," he said all in a rush.

"What?" she demanded, stepping back.

"My mom." Bella cringed at the mention of Esme, her guilt doubling, but Edward ignored her and kept talking. "She overheard it at the grocery store."

"At the grocery store?"

"Yeah."

"Oh holy shit."

He didn't respond, but just stood with his hands in his pockets staring at his feet.

"So why are you here?" she asked, breaking the silence.

"I wanted to…I needed…Fuck it. I have no idea." He paused, glancing quickly at her. "So…so you did break up with Jasper?"

"Yes, but I – "

"I know. I just…I knew that it was too late."

"But – "

"No. I know how you work. If…if it had been because of me you'd have been at my house last night. Or today when you realized I was hiding."

"I'm so sorry," she whispered. "I'm just…you were right. You were right all along and I just can't make how I feel about him go away."

"Then why – "

"Because I can't make how I feel about you go away either."

His head snapped up and he took an automatic step toward her. "Bella – "

"No, don't," she said, holding up both her hands.

"I – "

"I can't, Edward. I can't do this. Not when I still feel the way I do about Jasper."

"I don't care," he said immediately. "That was my mistake before. I know that you feel more for me now than you did when we first started going out and I can tell…I don't care how you feel about him. I care how you feel about me."

"No," she said, stepping further back from his pleading face and seductive words. "No, please. I can't be with either of you. Both of you tried to argue that you were ok with it, but neither of you were."

"I miss you. I made a mistake. I told you I did."

"I know what you said. But that's irrelevant. I felt bad. I felt guilty and horrible every time I kissed one of you – "

"Can we not talk about you kissing him?"

"See!" she exclaimed, throwing her arms wide. "You make those comments and I feel even worse. And anyway, I need to spend some time figuring stuff out. I spent so long in love with Jasper and pining away for him and letting him and Alice run all over me. I need some time to figure out how I feel about things."

"And you can't do that with me."

She smiled sadly at him and shook her head. "No. You're too good at fixing me. I need to fix myself."

"Who cares so long as you're fixed?" he demanded.

"I care! That's what I'm trying to tell you. I care."

"I need you."

She wanted to tell him that she needed him too, because seeing him standing there she realized that she did. It would be easy, so easy, to close the distance and lean up and brush his lips with her own and collapse into his arms and let him fix her and have everything be happy and perfect.

"I want to give you what you want, I do."

"So do it. I don't give a shit about Jasper – that'll fade. I only give a shit about you. I don't care about anything else."

"You say that now but – "

"No. Because I love you."

She took another step backward, retreating into the living room and turning away from him. It was undeniable that his words had sent her heart racing, and she'd had to hide the gasp that had slipped involuntarily from her lips.

"I'm not going to apologize for saying it, Bella. You said what you had to say, and I couldn't leave here without at least letting you know that. I don't suppose I've changed your mind?"

Tears were streaming down her cheeks, and, with her back still to him, she tried to surreptitiously wipe them away.

"God damnit," she heard him mutter, and his footsteps immediately followed. "I'm such a dick. Come here," he said reaching out and placing a hand on her shoulder. Her whole body tensed as he pulled her to face him, reaching up to swipe at the wetness on her cheeks.

"You aren't. It's my fault, and I'm sorry," she whispered.

"No," he said, pulling her against his chest. "It's my fault. I should have told you about the journal the day you took me to Lake Crescent, but I was a chicken and I didn't."

"I overreacted about what Jasper read, but it hurt."

"Which is why I wrote it down in the stupid journal and didn't say it to your face. I was angry."

"I know," she said, separating herself from him and immediately missing the tingle that had run through her when he'd wrapped her in his arms.

"It didn't give me a right, but – "

"No, you can be mad at me. I deserved it. And you had told me about what Seattle was like for you. And I knew you weren't the type to prance around with eyeliner just because you liked it. I just didn't ask."

"Can we still be friends?"

She shook her head slowly. "We both know that you'd never be all right just being friends."

"And you would be?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No," she said in a low voice. "No I wouldn't be."

"So let's be more than friends."

"You can keep asking me, but I'm going to keep saying no. Please don't make me keep rejecting you."

He laughed, and it was so sudden and so full of genuine amusement that she couldn't help but smile in response. "I wish we lived in the old days. I'd show up, tell your father I wanted to take his very marriageable daughter off of his hands, pack your shit up, throw you on my horse, and ride off with your sizable dowry."

"I wouldn't have a dowry," she pointed out with a snort.

"And I wouldn't care," he said, and her chest tightened.

"Would it make you feel better if I told you how hard this was for me?"

"Nope."

"Oh, well then I take it back."

"I don't want to see you unhappy. It's been killing me that I fucked this up so badly."

"This is about me. I'm the one that fucked up."

"And we really can't hang out anymore?"

"I don't think so."

"What if I tried to make you feel bad and pointed out that you're my only friend in Forks?"

She raised her eyebrows. "I'd say that's your own fault."

"Ok, then get ready for the big guns. My mom asked me to remind you that the tulip festival is coming up. She'd still love for you to go, and I'm supposed to bribe you with promises of cannolis."

"That's below the belt."

"I have no shame about fighting dirty when it comes to you."

"Tell your mother that I'm going to have to say no. But…wait a sec ok?" she said, running to the phone and grabbing a piece of paper. She scrawled a phone number on it and thrust it out at him. "Give her this."

"What is it?" he asked, his brow furrowed as he stared at the number.

"Reverend Weber's phone number."

"Are you telling me to turn to Jesus in my time of trial?"

"I said it was for your mother, didn't I? Mrs. Weber runs an arts and crafts fair every year. She's the nicest lady I know, and I'm sure she'd be thrilled to go with your mother. I can't think of a better friend for Esme."

"Thanks," he said, smiling and putting the piece of paper into his pocket.

"You'd better go," she said, trying not to frown or start crying again at the thought of him leaving. "Charlie'll be home soon and I promised him dinner."

"Oh? Well, I'd like to take this moment to remind you that you promised me processed American goodness as well. I believe meatloaf was mentioned?"

"Edward – "

"So you're going to break my heart and then push me back out to the cold, cruel world without feeding me?" he demanded.

"It's not funny."

"It kinda is."

"I'm serious. You can't stay. It's…please?"

"English!"

"What?"

"English. We need to talk about our English project. It's due in two weeks."

"So we'll talk about it at school."

"I don't like to procrastinate."

"Yes you do. You always wait until the last minute."

"It would be selfish of me to risk adversely influencing your grade."

"Well, seeing as it's my grade, I'm telling you I don't mind. We can talk about it at school and divide up the work tomorrow."

"Why are you being so difficult?"

"Because! Because it's really hard for me to do this! Because I care about you, Edward, and I won't be responsible for stringing you along when I can't be with you. I want to be. I want to have everything be easy and wonderful, but it isn't and it kills me that I'm hurting you and I'm tired of this guilt over how I feel. I can't…"

She trailed off at the shell shocked look on his face. She knew he'd been teasing, but a little flare of temper had ignited at his words. Now, seeing him, she just felt worse.

"Damnit," she sighed.

"No," he said slowly. "No. You're right. I just…I can't stand the idea of losing you."

"You haven't even known me a month."

"It feels longer than that."

"I know," she whispered.

"I won't ask again. And we'll do our project at school and I'll give you as much time as you want. But I'm not going anywhere."

"Don't say that," she said.

"No. You've said plenty of stuff that's hard for me to hear, and so you can hear me out. I meant it when I said I loved you. I didn't really realize it until the morning that everything went to crap. But I do. And just like how you feel about me and the douchefuck isn't going to go away, this isn't either. It kills me that I messed up so badly. I guess you deserve better than either of us."

She wanted to tell him that she could only hope to deserve him one day, but she knew she'd only be saying it to make herself feel better. Instead she just stared up at him, trembling when he reached out to tuck a strand of hair behind her ears.

"See you at school?"

With a silent nod she answered him, watching as he turned and headed toward the hall tree. He paused next to his journal, but left it there.

"Keep it," he said. "I want you to keep it."

"All right," she said.

"I'm gonna miss you hardcore."

"I'll miss you, too."

Edward opened his mouth to speak again, but instead just sighed, his shoulders drooping as he shook his head ruefully. He gave a little half wave and a resigned smile before opening the door and disappearing behind it.