I do not own Naruto or anything related.
Commentator: Hey Prof! I keep meaning to ask, but things keep getting in the way. How well has Anonymius done in abridging the series compared to Masakox and Vegeta3986?
Sammy: I'll answer that, Boss! Vegeta5986 and MasakoX were able to abridge the next three episodes into one video, but Anonymius was able to abridge eight!
Commentator: (Damnit. That gives him a lead!) And the instalments after that?
Sammy: Well, Vegeta4986 and MasakoX abridged five episodes, but Anonymius only abridged four, however, he still has a lead in the series!
Commentator: Only because he cheated again and skipped most of an episode!
Professor: But to be fair, Sir, so did Vegeta and Masako.
Commentator: (Damnit. By this rate I'm going to lose the bet) Say Prof. When I first establish this bet, I was under the impression that Anonymius only made one less instalment than the Vegeat and masako.
Professor: What's your point?
Commentator: My point is that he actually made less than three. So how about we make the bet a bit more interesting?
Professor: What do you have in mind?
Commentator: How about we raise the stakes a little? Instead of less than one episode, how about three?
Professor: Sir, you would only make a bet like that because you 're worried of losing. Why would I ever give in to that?
Commentator: How about we double the money?
Professor: Meh.
Commentator: Triple?
Professor: -I'm interested.
Commentator: All right then, quadruple.
Professor: Done. Now then, how about I open the shoot?
Commentator: You do that!
(The professor does so, and out pops four envelopes)
Commentator: Right then! Our first review is from Haruko Kurimasu:
Once again, brilliant! I literally laughed out loud when the Commentator asked if Oro was filming an animal documentary! Too bad for Gaara as well, bing mistakened for MasakoX and Vegeta's Gaara of the Funk!
Who's the Cheese Man, BTW?
The Cheese Man in question is an imaginary character from 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer', who appears in the episode 'Restless' in each of the four main character's dreams. Apparently he was thrown in amongst all the meaningful imagery of the dreams to represent a typical, meaningless dream. Hah. If we hadn't disclaimed him, everyone would have probably thought that the cheese man was Anonymius' own creation. This has been an example of a useful disclaim, rather than something disclaiming something everyone knows you don't own!
Professor: Our next review is from Mast Hut:
hahahahahaha! good chapter1 Sakura is the most useless anime character i've ever seen.
Sakura: What about Naruto shippud-
me: GET THE HELL OUT OF MY REVIEW!
Commentator: HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA! That was actually quite funny! And I see you've been learning from Anonymius! Good for you! Although it would have flowed better without the 'the Hell'.
Sammy: Our next review is-
Clock: TICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICK-
Commentator: And that's all we've got time for! Here is the next chapter, "The Preliminaries: Part One"!
Sammy: Aww, but I didn't get to respond to a review!
Hokage: Welcome, survivors. I'm glad you all survived. And I can see a lot of you have survived this year!
Kakashi, Asuma and Kurenai: (Damnit. They all survived.)
Kakashi: Hey Guy! I couldn't help but notice that all of your students have survived. You must be pretty, er, 'proud of them' eh? I'm sure proud of my students!
Guy: Yes I am!
Kakashi: Wait; you were being sincere, weren't you? Didn't you just enter them into this thing cos they kept asking you irritating questions about the Naruto universe?
Guy: Well they were certainly curious youngsters! And I told them that we live in a small, unicultural world with an ambiguous time period!
Kakashi: And their constant pestering didn't bother you at all?
Guy: Not at all! I say all children should ask plenty of questions!
Kakashi: (Groan, I've forgotten who I was talking to!)
Hokage: Since there are still too many of you, we need you to go through an elimination round. But first, let me enrich your minds with a boring story about the origins of the Chuunin Exams.
Candidates: GROAN!
Hokage: You see it's all really about kicking the crap out of your enemies.
Sakura: But Lord Hokage! I thought it was all about making friends?
Hokage: Don't you know, Sakura? In the world of shonen anime, you make friends by beating your opponents!
Sakura: That doesn't make any sense!
Hokage: It's also an effective way to rehabilitate a character who has gone astray. Just beat them in a battle, and they'll renounce their evil ways and join the forces of good. Now then, for this next exam we'll be pitting you randomly against each other.
Naruto: Randomly? But what happens if two teammates have to fight each other?
Hokage: Then you'll still have to fight.
Naruto: But doesn't that completely contradict the lesson of the last few tests that this is all a team effort?
Shikamaru: Yeah! Plus doesn't a full frontal attack go against the backstabbing, cloak and dagger style fighting of a ninja?
Hokage: I'm afraid that shonen law compels us to include arena-style duels. Now if everyone's finished asking questions-
Naruto: I have more! But, you go ahead.
Hokage: -We'll be inputting your names into this computer.
Naruto: Wait. We have computers?
Kakashi: Yes Naruto, we have computers, this has already been pointed out in another 'Naruto' parody.
Naruto: So…what time period is this?
Kakashi: That issue has already been raised in that same 'Naruto' parody!
Sasuke: Well, Naruto does have a point. What time period is this supposed to be?
Kakashi: Why do you always ask me, can't you ask the Hokage?
Hokage: Thank you, Kakashi, but I think I'll let you explain the ambiguous time period found in many anime fantasy worlds.
Kakashi: …(I hate you, old man!) Okay, what you've got to remember is that like the 'Naruto' Universe, all anime fantasy worlds, unlike western ones which tend to be firmly set in the past, borrow elements from all points in time. A good example is 'Fullmetal Alchemist', which has a nineteenth century setting, yet a modern level of fashion, and futuristic robotic limbs. In fact this technique of an ambiguous time period has probably baffled all those who first become accustomed to Japanese media, so much that when 'Sonic The Hedgehog first came out, they re-presented Sonic's world as a different planet called Mobius instead of actually being an alternate Earth, probably because alternate Earths in western media that are set in the present or future tend to be in side-stories rather than the focus.
Naruto: Wait, Mobius isn't real? It's just a dub creation like the Shadow Realm?
Sasuke: Why do you think in the latest 'Sonic' cartoon Sonic's world is just referred to as 'Sonic's World' rather than Mobius? It's actually an alternate universe rather than a planet.
Naruto: You know the dub could have just changed this.
Sasuke: Apparently they were going for a more unaltered dub, which is why Dr. Robotnik was called Eggman rather than Robotnik.
Naruto: Well yeah, but what name's gonna strike fear into the hearts of your enemy more? Eggman? Or Robotnik?
Sasuke: Well they gave the name Robotnik to his grandfather.
Naruto: How does that work?
Sasuke: I o know.
Kakashi: Indeed, because the U.S. version shielded westerners from the truth of Japanese fantasy that when 'Pokemon' came out everyone was probably baffled as to whether it was the future, that it was our world that Pokemon came to in the future or a different planet that humans colonised, whereas it was more like an alternate universe like Middle Earth.
Sasuke: Actually Kakashi unlike later fantasy worlds that draw inspiration from it, Middle Earth's not a parallel universe at all. It's more like Britain's mythical past set around the same time of Norse mythology or Greek mythology-
Kakashi: HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY 'SHUT THE HELL UP' BEFORE YOU SHUT THE HELL UP?
Sasuke: I was only saying, that's all! It's a common misunderstanding about 'Lord of the Rings'!
Naruto: So yeah, what time period are we in?
Kakashi: DIDN'T I JUST MAKE IT CLEAR? You can't compare our timeline to that of the real world since it draws aspects from all time perspectives!
(Everyone stares at him)
Kakashi: Groan, look. Put it this way. Imagine that our world once reached a modern level of technology, then a cataclysm caused us to go back to a mostly medieval level of technology.
Naruto: Wow! Imagine all the fanfics and storylines that could be made out of it! Commentator, is this your doing?
Commentator: Oh sure. I cause one electrical surge that wipes out all technology and you think I make a habit of it!
Yoroi: All right, Sasuke! You're going down!
Sasuke: I doubt it.
Yoroi: Huh?
Sasuke: Come on dude, I'm a main character! And you're a random one! I mean you don't even have your own character design!
Yoroi: I don't need my own character design; I have fiery hands of dea-
(Sasuke kicks him in the stomach)
Yoroi: Oof!
(Sending him crashing down into the floor)
Orochimaru: Hello Kakashi-kun. We meet again.
Kakashi: Man, couldn't you have used a less corny line?
Orochimaru: Shut up! At least I didn't say 'Long time no see'! Say, that looks new, Kakashi-Kun.
Kakashi: What does?
Orochimaru: That sharingan of yours.
Kakashi: I thought you left after I got it?
Orochimaru: Come again?
Kakashi: You left after my sensei became Hokage, yet I gained my sharingan before he became Hokage.
Orochimaru: Huh. That doesn't make a lot of sense, does it?
Kakashi: Nope. None at all. Hold on. (Reads through manga) Yep. That line isn't in the original manga at all.
Orochimaru: Wow. So who do you think screwed up? The writing staff, or the dubbing staff?
Kakashi: The dubbing staff likely. So what brings you back to Konoha, Voldetongue?
Orochimaru: I'm here for Sasuke. And not in that way! I plan to use him.
Kakashi: Didn't you send three sound ninja to kill him?
Orochimaru: They were only to test Sasuke's power.
Kakashi: Okay but weren't you worried that there was a chance that they might have successfully killed him? I mean he was unconscious at the time, as was the only other capable fighter. I mean come on! They had Sakura protecting them! It was a stroke of luck that the others stalled them long enough for Sasuke to revive!
Orochimaru: -Yeah, I didn't really account for that.
Kakashi: So what do you intend to do with your three ninja?
Orochimaru: You seem to have the wrong idea, Kakashi-kun. Those three are just pawns. The sound four are my knights and rooks, whereas Kabuto's more like a bishop.
Kakashi: Wait, Kabuto's working for you?
Orochimaru: Ah. I've said too much.
Kakashi: So what is Sasuke in your little game of chess?
Orochimaru: He's a more valuable piece. He's more like a queen.
Sasuke: I can hear you, you know! I don't appreciate being called a queen!
Orochimaru: (Walks away) Just wait in about ninety episodes, and you'll see.
Kankuro: Now feel the wrath of my puppet!
Karasu: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Naruto: He fights with creepy looking puppets? I never thought I'd believe ever seeing a fighting technique as sinister as it is lame! Hey, isn't fighting with basically two people against one kind of unfair?
Kakashi: This is coming from someone who's main technique is to multiply himself and overwhelm his opponents with his numbers?
Naruto: That's different in a life and death situation! In a controlled situation like this I'd prefer to play fair.
Kakashi: Um, Naruto, you do know that ninjas THEY DON'T PLAY FAIR, right?
Naruto: Do ninjas also have magical powers?
Kakashi: Ah, touche.
Iruka: Why is the camera panning towards me?
(Silence)
Iruka: Groan, I HATE 'Naruto The Abridged Series'!
Naruto, Sakura, Sasuke, Kakashi and Gaara: Welcome to the club.
And so, the first three matches have commenced. How well will the others do? Tune in next time on 'Naruto Abridged (With Commentary)'!
Commentator: So how well has Anonymius done abridging compared to Vegeta and Masako so far?
Sammy: Well Boss, Vegeta and Masako abridged about eight episodes, and Anonymius only seven, but he's still in the lead!
Commentator: (Yes, but only by one installment. He needs to be ahead by three in order for the Professor to win the bet! Mwahahaha. Mwhahahaa! MWAHAHAHAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!)