Previously on Anonymius Productions…
Hello all! The following is a Doctor Who parody I drafted years ago, and only now have been able to post it, updating it a little. The following parodies the Season One finale. I may parody other episodes in the future but for now-
Commentator: Hey Anon!
-Com? What are you doing here?
Commentator: You seemed to have made an error in the title! You forgot to add '(With Commentary)' at the end! And how come you haven't got me introducing this parody?
Professor: You didn't tell him, did you?
I didn't see the need.
Commentator: -Tell me what?
-Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but-you're not featured in this parody.
Commentator: -WHAT? WHY THE HELL NOT?
Because there was no need for you anywhere in this parody! I only ever give you lines when it needs it! You know how I like to keep my work organic!
Commentator: (Mutters) (I'll give YOU organic!)
I do not own Naruto or anything re-wait, what, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Commentator: Nyeeheeheeheeheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! How do you like my genetically altered strangling plant, Anonymius? Is it organic to your liking? This is payback for cutting me out of 'Doctor Who Abridged'! Did you really think you could cut me out? I'm the only reason your parodies don't suck like the rest! Me! The Commentator! No one would enjoy them as much if I weren't in them!: Now then, (Sits on a throne) I am in command of Anonymius Productions now! And I'm going to be making a few changes!
Commentator: Welcome back my normal and hero-wannabe friends to the latest instalment of 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary)'! Now, unfortunately, Anonymius is kindof- caught up at the moment. With a genetically altered strangling plant that is!
Mmphmmph! Mmphmmph! Mmmmmmmmph!
Commentator: Quiet you. Ahem, now due to this preoccupation, I have had to reluctantly take over as author of Anonymius Productions! But don't worry, I will remain faithful to Anonymius' ideas and style of writing, you won't notice the difference!
Wait a minute! What happened to my part?
Commentator: I'm sorry?
YOU COMPLETELY CUT ME OUT OF THE CHAPTER!
Commentator: Oh I'm sorry, italic narrator guy. I decided that you weren't necessary.
NOT NECESSARY? THE REASON ANONYMIUS INCLUDED ME WAS THAT I WAS NECESSARY, IT DOESN'T WORK WITH YOU!
Commentator: I however beg to differ.
-That's it. Imprisoning Anonymius was one thing. Introducing unlimitied review specials was another. Even skipping what Anonymius planned for Yu Yu Hakusho abridged was another another, but cutting me out? This time you've gone too far! I shall establish the resistance, a loyalist group that will restore Anonymius back into power! VIVA LA RESISTANCE!
And now, the continuation…
I am glad the rest of you were able to come, fellow resistance members. Now I shall start the roll call. The Clock!
Clock: HERE.
The Lawyer!
The Lawyer: Here!
And the Professor!
Professor: Here.
Right then. Wait a minute! There's only four of us?
Lawyer: Apparently.
Professor: I would just like to point out that the only reason that I've joined this resistence is because I think my master has gone over the edge, now that he's in control of Anonymius Productions.
Clock: HOW SO?
Professor: Well…
Commentator: And now, each of the fanfics created by Anonymius shall give unto me: A SHRUBBERY!
(Dramatic Music)
Naruto: -Why a shrubbery?
Commentator: Because I like Monty Python.
BOM BOM BOM CH
Commentator: And each of you shall build a golden statue of me in your community, one that is 100 ft high and breathes fire!
Edward: And how are we supposed to do that? We don't even know what you look like!
Commentator: -Wha?
Professor: Edward Elric brings up a good point, Sir. Any hint to your appearance has carefully not been revealed.
Commentator: Hmm. You may have a point. Hey, I have an idea! We'll let our readers decide what I look like, then we'll use the descriptions to base the statues on!
Sammy: Um, not meaning to sound stupid or something, but why can't you just tell people what you look like?
Commentator: (Stares at Sammy) ARE YOU INSANE? No one would take me seriously if they knew what I really look like! In the mean time they can use this image.
(A tall figure made of shadow shrouded in a cloak with horns sprouting from the back, with red diamond glowing eyes, sword lengthed fingers and tentacles coming from the bottom of the robe appear)
Harry: WHOA! That's what you really look like?
Commentator: In some forms.
Lawyer: Ohhh. I see.
Well anyway I asked all of you to come up with ideas as to how to defeat free Anonymius. What did you come up with?
Lawyer and the Clock: Errrr…
You're serious? You didn't come up with anything?
(Awkward Silence)
Yeah, me neither.
Professor: Don't worry, I've hired the help of the readers, they should have some ideas as to how to free Anonymius. Even if that fails, there is one person who can defeat my master.
Let's hope that they can succeed. Til we meet again. VIVA LA RESISTANCE!
Commentator: Welcome back my otaku and ninja wannabe friends to the latest instalment of 'Naruto Abridged (With Commentary)'! Before we begin let's take a look at the reviews you've sent us. Professor! Open the Shoot!
(The professor does so, and out pops three envelopes)
Commentator: Right then! Our first from Eskimo Force:
'nother great chapter - I think it's pretty funny that half the stuff is about another parody series xD Like Gaara of The Funk and even naming Vegeta and Masako. Gonna be real interesting once you pass Vegeta and Masako ^^
Commentator: Well hopefully it will encourage them to produce more episodes given the competition, and they will feature us in one video describing how great I am-I mean we are!
Professor: (In your dreams, Sir)
Commentator: What was that?
Professor: Nothing! On to the next review, by jcogginsa:
i can cheer up...who ever voted on masako and just abridged the entire tsunade arc in one episode
Commentator: Yes I'm afraid that we'll only be able to abridged the entire tsunade arc in two chapters.
Sammy: Our third and final review is from Master Hut:
hahahaha! i love it the new chapter! and commentator i always did picture to be on a throne and be all high and mighty. heh well can't wait for the next installment!
Commentator: Neither could I! So here it is, 'Long Time No See, Pervy Sage! (Wait, they've met him before?)'!
Kakashi: Hey Naruto, I've got you a trainer for the Chuunin exams finals.
Naruto: What? Why can't you train me?
Kakashi: Sorry Naruto, but I've got to focus on Sasuke.
Naruto: Well who is it? AAAAAAAAH! IT'S EBISU! I'm not gonna let myself be trained by a villain of the week that I beat in the second episode!
Ebisu: You may have caught me off with that shameful display, but I assure you that I am a great Jounin and teacher.
Naruto: Wait. You were defeated by my attack because you were overwhelmed by naked women? I thought you were overwhelmed because you were torn between the fact that they looked like beautiful women when in fact they were twelve year old boys?
Ebisu: Naruto, contrary to Liberal American philosophy, not every male gawks at naked women or has an uncontrollable desire for sex every second from the moment of puberty!
Naruto: …Are you gay?
Ebisu: WHAT NO! I just have dignity, that's all!
Naruto: You're gay, aren't you? It's all right, it's nothing to be ashamed of-
Ebisu: I'M NOT GAY!
Naruto: Okay, okay, you're not gay! (Closeted homosexual). Well anyway, I'm not going to let myself be taught by you!
Ebisu: What if I let you run away from me and if I find the right one out of all the clones you create then you have to accept my tutorship?
Naruto: Okay!
Ebisu: (Hah. Little does that according to the manga, he becomes my pupil, making this bet completely pointless. MWAHAHAHAAAAAAA!)
Commentator: And so, Naruto fails to win the bet, and has to accept Ebisu's teaching. Fortunately though, he's knocked out by a mysterious frog sage. Oh sorry, I meant toad. Cos apparently toad is English for frog, which is Japanese.
Naruto: Hey! You knocked out my trainer!
Jiraiya: Sorry, young Nine-Tails pokemon, but he attacked me while I was gawking at those naked women!
Naruto: God, what a pervert!
Commentator: Erm, isn't this behaviour, let alone the word 'pervert', kind of inappropriate for a kids' show?
Professor: Well sir, the smaller divide between adult and children entertainment has been pointed out in Japanese entertainment-
Commentator: No, I meant inappropriate for a show dubbed for American kids.
Professor: Oh! Well, probably.
Naruto: Hey, you look awfully familiar.
Jiraiya: Ah, (Fumbling under his gown) you probably recognise me as the author of the best selling novel, (Takes a book out) 'Make Out Paradise'!
(Dramatic music)
Naruto: No, that isn't it. Hey wait, now I recognise you! You were in Yu-Gi-Oh!
Jiraiya: Ah yes! (Fumbling under his gown) I'm surprised you remember me from my one off performance! (Takes out a Yu-Gi-Oh DVD) I played the ninja who kidnapped Mei Valentine after her duel with Jean Claude Magnum! Note the similarities.
Naruto: Well anyway, fancy training me? Since you did knock out my trainer after all.
Jiraiya: Sorry, kid, but your voice is way too annoying. Training you would be probably too irritating.
Naruto: Hey, it grows on you! After about fifty episodes, but it grows on you still!
Jiraiya: All right then, Naruto. I'll train you, if you do one thing for me.
Naruto: What's that?
Jiraiya: Find me what I most desire.
Naruto: And what's that?
Jiraiya: Oh I think you know what it is. (Makes hand gestures) Juicy and well rounded.
(The Commentator and the Professor stare)
Commentator: Okay, are we by any chance watching an uncensored version of Naruto meant for adults or something? You know, like what they did for 'Yu-Gi-Oh'?
Professor: Nno, I think this is the Cartoon Network version.
Commentator: Then how the heck did this get pass the censors? This sort of thing would have never happened if 4kids dubbed this show.
Professor: SIR, DON'T SUGGEST ANYTHING SO FRIGHTENING EVER AGAIN! If 4kids dubbed this show, Zabuza and Haku would have been fine and redeemed, their burial scene would have been omitted and instead of dying the jutsu the Fourth Hokage used to seal the mutant Nine-Tails would have sent him to another dimension for all eternity! Like the Shadow Realm, except it's called the 'dark realm' or something.
Sammy: Another dimension? THAT SOUNDS REALLY COOL!
(The Commentator and Professor stare at Sammy. Then they kick him in the wall.)
Naruto: Hey wait a minute! How did you know my name?
Jiraiya: ERRRRRRR, I'm sure you mentioned it to me!
Naruto: ..No, I didn't.
Jiraiya: Errrrrrr, I was breaking the fourth wall?
Naruto: Oh. Fair enough.
Jiraiya: (Wipes foreheard) (Phew! Covered that up pretty well!)
(Naruto Transforms into a woman)
Jiraiya: BWAH! IT's so- BEAUTIFUL! I THINK I'M IN LOVE!
(The Commentator and Professor stare yet again)
Commentator: Okay. This is just wrong.
Commentator: And so, Jiraiya accepts Naruto as his pupil. While teaching him how to walk on water, he realises that Naruto is in fact the Nine-Tails jinchurriki.
Professor: For someone who realises that Naruto is the Nine-Tails jinchuuriki, he doesn't looked particularly shocked. It's almost as if he already knew beforehand that he was the host. Do you think anyone picked up on that?
Commentator: Unlikely. Ahem, anyway, after teaching him how to walk on water, Jiraiya attempts to get Naruto to draw out his Nine-Tails chakra, which eventually leads to him summoning a giant frog.
Naruto: HOORAY! I summoned you, so you have to do what I say!
Gamabunki: Bullfrog!
Naruto: There's no need for that kind of language.
Gamabnuki: What do you think I am, a pokemon who will follow every single whim of the human?
Naruto: Um, yes?
Commentator: And so, Naruto spends an episode proving his worth to Gamabunki, before passing out from exhaustion. How many times have Naruto been knocked unconscious at this point?
No. Of Times Naruto Has Been Knocked Unconscious: Seven.
Commentator: Thanks, !
No. Of Times Naruto Has Been Knocked Unconscious: No Problem.
Shikamaru: I'm seeing a guy I'm not even friends with while playing chess all by myself.
Plot: OH MY GOD GAARA HAS ENTERED TO KILL LEE oh wait it's just Sakura. OH NO SAKURA'S FORGOTTEN SOMETHING AND GOING BACK TO LEE'S ROOM WHERE GAARA IS oh wait it's Naruto's room she's going to. OH NO NARUTO AND SHIKAMARU ARE TEASING CHOUJI WITH A BASKET OF FRUIT oh wait it's just Ino getting Chouji some food!
Commentator: Wow, this episode has more plot twists than an entire season of Lost!
Professor: A third sign that J.J. Abrams writes for the Naruto.
Commentator: Ahem, I said more than, not equal to. Plus that's kind of an unfair statement. It isn't like J.J Abrams is involved in the day to day running of Lost.
Sammy: HE ISN'T? But I thought he was the sole creator, head writer and showrunner of the show!
Commentator: J.J. Abrams' roles in the things he creates tends to be exaggerated. He may have CO-CREATED Lost, directed a couple of episodes, established the mythos with Damon Lindelof and main plot points six seasons long, and is an executive producer for the show, but that's about it.
Naruto: Me and Shikamaru have come to Lee's room for no reason!
Commentator: Meanwhile elsewhere, the Third ponders over the situation with Orochimaru.
Third: Sigh, what would the Fourth do in my situation?
Anko: Hold on! That guy is the Fourth?
Third: Er, yeah. What' the issue?
Anko: There's a kid in the Chuunin Exams who looks just like him!
DING DING DING DING DING DING DING!
Anko: What was that?
Third: Er, I'm sure it was nothing! I mean just because Guy and Lee look alike it doesn't mean they're father and son!
Anko: Hey, you don't think-
Third: NO!
Commentator: Meanwhile, as the finals approach, Naruto strikes up a conversation with Sakura, only to realise that he needs to get to the finals.
Naruto: Oh no! I'm gonna be late for the finals! Oh no! I'm not moving any further! Damn you, traditionally styled anime!
Commentator: As Naruto rushes to the finals, Konohamaru offers him a short cut.
Naruto: Hmm. Well, even though this kid is my self-proclaimed rival, I guess I can trust him!
Naruto: (Running away from a heard of bulls) I GUESSED WRONG! I know! I'll just create a bunch of clones to lead the bulls away from me! Okay, now you lot, lead the bulls away from me!
Naruto clone 1: Pff, yeah right!
Naruto clone 2: What makes you think we'll do that?
Naruto clone 3: Would you do the same for us?
Naruto: Errrr, yeah , sure I would!
Naruto Clone 4: Pfft, yeah right!
Naruto: (Damnit. I forgot that the shadow clone jutsu creates exact copies of me!)
Commentator: Will Naruto make it for the finals? Find out next time for the chuunin finals tournament!
Commentator: So Sam! How well has Anonymius done so far?
Sammy: Well Boss, Vegeta6986 and MasakoX abridged five episodes, but Anonymius abridged nine, and he's slightly ahead by two and a bit instalments!
Commentator: (Yes, but not enough. He has to be ahead by three in order for the Professor to win the bet. And as the new writer for Anonymius Productions, I'll make sure that he'll NEVER win the bet. MWAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!)
Professor: Next chapter folks will be a feature lengthed one that will cover the entire finals tournament.
Commentator: Like Hell it will!
Professor: Nyee?
Commentator: Face it Joey, you're a terrible duelist-I mean, like I'm gonna let this abridgement be another installment shorter than Vegeta and Masako's! Then I wouldn't be able to win the bet!
Professor: But-but Sir! Anonymius planned it like this months ago!
Commmentator: Yes well he's currently occupied now, isn't he?
Professor: (That's it. He has to be stopped at least before the next Naruto chapter, otherwise the abridgement is doomed)
Commentator: Prof you know that I can read in brackets, don't you?
Professor: -Not until now, Sir. (AND ANONYMIUS DOESN'T OWN NARUTO OR ANYTHING RELATED-)
Commentator: Professor, stop disclaiming things that don't need to be disclaimed!
Professor: Sorry, Sir!