I do not own 'Naruto' or anything related.
Commentator: Welcome back my otaku and ninja wannabe friends to the final instalment of 'Naruto Abridged (With Commentary): The Chuunin Exams'! Finally! But before we begin let's take a look at some of the reviews you've sent us. Professor! Open the shoot!
(The Professor does so, and out pops one envelope)
Commentator: Right then! Our first and only review is from Jcogginsa:
let me make some guesses
ichibi=sentret
nibi=persian
sanbi=blastoise
yonbi=infernape
gobi=lugia
rokubi=gulpin
shichibi=heracross
hachibi=tauros and octillery
kyuubi=ninetails
Commentator: Hmmm. I'm not exactly sure what a sentret is, but I can tell you with certainly that the nibi is not a Persian. Nor is the sanbi a blastoise. The correct answer was for nibi Espeon and Golduck for Sanbi. Good guesses, however. Now let's see what this Sentret looks like.
(Browses the net)
Commentator: Okay. I can tell you with certainlty that Shukaku is NOT a sentret. A Sentret is either a ferret or a weasel, whereas Shukaku's a Raccoon Dog. Now let's see, what does an octillery look like?
Professor: Well guessing from the context, I'm guessing that it's some kind of octopus.
Commentator: So it is! Yes, THAT'S what the hachibi was! A mutant crossbreed between a Tauros and an Octillery!
Professor: What! YOU HADN'T EVEN HEARD OF AN OCTILLERY UNTIL NOW, HOW COULD YOU HAVE POSSIBLY EXPERIMENTED ON IT IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS?
Coomenattora: Elementary my dear Professor, I have forgotten what exactly I experimented on, and only when I see a depiction of the bijju and the pokemon do I remember what it was.
Professor: Huh. Right. That's convenient.
Commentator: Quiet you. Ahem, so I'm afraid the only one you got right so far was the Ninetails. As for the others, I can't confirm them until we know what the remaining bijuu are.
Professor: (On the computer) Sir, the remaining bijuu have been revealed in a recent issue of Naruto.
Commentator: -Wha? Really? Well let's see what they are, then! Hmmm. Well this should finally put a rest to everyone referencing that so-called 'Legend of the Tailed Beasts'. Seriously, it doesn't even read like a legend! Aha! So, the Four-Tails looks like an ape, the Five-Tails like some kind of deer, the Six-Tails, some sort of blob, I don't even know what that's supposed to be! And the Seven-Tails is a beetle. –Wait a miunte. What did Jcogginsa suggest for the bijuu? Hmm, an ape for the Four-Tails, a blob for the Six-Tails, a beetle for the Seven-Tails GASP! He KNEW WHAT THE BIJUU WERE! But he sent his review long before this particular issue. HOW DID HE KNOW?
Professor: Apparently the identity of the remaining bijuu were revealed long before this issue months ago.
Commentator: Really? Oh. Right. Well that explains it. Let's see then…nope, I'm afraid that the vonbi's a primeape, gobi's a Stantler, and rokubi's a Gastrodon. However, points for getting the shichibi right. So the bijuu are: Shukaku, Espeon, golduck, primeape, Stantler, Gastrodon, Heracross, Tauros, Ninetails!
(The Commentator starts singing 'gotta catch –'em all' as well as dancing with a cane and striped hat.)
Commentator: Now then, on with the show, the final part, 'The Invasion of Konoha, Part 2"!
Previously on 'Naruto Abridged (With Commentary)':
Third: Behold! I have summoned: THE REAPER! This is the very jutsu that the Fourth used to seal the nine-tails. Well anyway, BE SEALED!
Orochimaru: Never!
Gaara: SHUKAKU NO JUTSU!
Naruto: Wh-what is that?
Professor: It appears that Gaara has transformed himself into a giant raccoon dog made of sand.
Naruto: GAMABUNTA, I CHOOSE YOU!
Gamabunta: GAMABUNTA!
And now the thrilling conclusion.
Third: Be sealed!
Orochimaru: Never!
Shinigami: Groan, are you two still at this? How long have you two been standing there?
Orochimaru: For about a month, probably.
Shinigami: You know, I could have been a Bleach Shinigami where they don't mess around and try to lengthen the story too much, but noooooooooooooooo, I had to be a Naruto Shinigami, where they try to make an episode out of each chapter even though there's not enough material for it!
Third: Yeah well 'Bleach' may not try to lengthen the story that much, but the consequence of that is that they have loads of filler episodes and filler arcs.
Shinigami: -And we don't?
Third: Not regarding the long period of filler meant to connect 'Naruto' and 'Naruto Shuppuden'.
Shinigami: I repeat, and we don't?
Naruto: Now Gamabunta, use watergun attack against Shukaku! Your water attacks are bound to weaken that rock type pokemon!
Professor: Actually, according to the rules of this world, rock beats water for some reason.
(Silence)
Naruto: Well, why aren't you attacking him?
Gamabunta: We've already been through this, Naruto, I'm not your pokemon slave who fulfils every one of your twisted desires to fight to the death against my own will!
Naruto: But I thought you agreed to be my pokemon, I mean my digimon partner, I mean for me to be your subordinate! And shouldn't a boss protect his subordinates?
Gamabunta: Hmm. That is true. I did agree to make you by subordinate. But we haven't even made a deal yet.
Naruto: WHAT? I'M TOO YOUNG TO MAKE A DEAL!
(Everything pauses abruptly)
Commentator: Okay, that has got to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard!
Professor: What are you talking about, Sir?
Commentator: "I'm too young to make a deal?" What the heck does that even mean?
Professor: Well Sir, originally Gamabunta says, "We haven't even shared a drink yet", and Naruto screams "WHAT! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DRINK!" And so, any reference to alcohol has been cut out.
Commentator: So let me get this straight. Nudity, sexual lexis and a creepy old man who spies on naked girls and likes women who are in fact twelve year old boys are all right, but the very mentioning of a single drop of alcohol is nay-okay? ??? ??? ???
Pysduck: Psy?
Gamabunta: (Getting excited) Hey! Is that a Psyduck?
Naruto: Er, yeah. Is that a good thing?
Gamabunta: You kidding? I LOVE THAT POKEMON! All those times driving Misty crazy were some of the best bits in the anime- hey, why has he got a bump on his head?
Naruto: Oh Gaara attacked him earlier and he hit his head on a tree.
Gamabunta: -He-harmed-Psyduck?
(Quincy Jones' 'Ironside' starts to play in the background as everything flashes red with exchanging clips of Gamabunta, Shukaku/Gaara and Psyduck)
('Battle Without Honour or Humanity' starts to play in the background)
Gamabunta: (Draws his sword) Young ninja, I accept you as my subordinate. And now, I shall help you defeat this villain who harms innocent pokemon.
(Gamabunta and Gaara battle to 'Battle Without Honour'. By the time the song finishes, Gamabunta has chopped off Shukaku's arm)
Gamabunta: OH YEAH! GAMABUNTA KICKS RACCOON BUTT! Say it, bitch, who's your godfather?
Naruto: You know, I kinda preferred your voice in the original anime where you sound like a yakuza boss.
Gamabunta: (Sigh), Me too, kid. Me too.
Gaara: Gah! You may have cut off my tanuki arm, but that is the least of your worries! I shall now release Shukaku's ultimate power!
Naruto: What's he talking about?
Gamabunta: Have you noticed the rings around the spiritualist medium's eyes?
Naruto: Don't you mean jinchuuriki?
Gamabunta: We haven't got that far yet.
Naruto: Oh right. Wait, those rings are real? I thought they were just an artistic representation like my fox whiskers!
Gamabunta: What fox whiskers?
Naruto: Exactly!
Gamabunta: Well anyway, they are in fact eye shadow, which have developed since long hours of sleep will release the beast.
Naruto: Doesn't eye shadow only form below the eye, not around it?
Gamabunta: Shut up. This is bad.
Naruto: why?
Gamabunta: Shukaku has the ability to draw on the power and abilities of comparative versions from other media. Including fan parodies on Youtube.
Naruot: -GASP! You're not suggesting-?
Gamabunta: I'm afraid I am. Once Shukaku has awakened, he will have the power –of the Funk.
(DUM DUM DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-!)
Naruto: WAIT HOLD ON! Gaara, how could you possibly criticise people for confusing you with Gaara of the Funk, and then completely rip off his powers?
Gaara: Simple. I'm not Gaara of the Funk; I'm just drawing on his powers.
Naruto: What-? NO! THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE! YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS-!
Gaara: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ……
Gamabunta: Uh oh. The funky beast is about to awake.
(Shukaku's eyes become bright)
Shukaku: OH YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! SHUKAKU IS BACK IN TOWN! ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?
Crickets: CHIRP, CHIRP, CHIRP, CHIRP.
Shukaku: I SAID, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?
Naruto: Errrrrrr, yes?
Shukaku: I CAN'T HEAR YOU, KONOHA, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK!
Konoha: YEAH!
Shukaku: GOOD, COS I WILL, I WILL ROCK YOU!
Paws on ground: PAT PAT PAT. PAT PAT PAT.
Shukaku: I SAID I WILL, I WILL, ROCK YOU!
Paws on ground: PAT. PAT PAT PAT!
Gamabunta: Well? Are you going to rock me or not? In a non-sexual way?
Shukaku: Of course! Let's dance!
(Shukaku and Gambunta engage in a DDR styled battle)
Gamabunta: (In the air) It's no good! His funk powers are too great!
Naruto: Quick! Anonymius! Play that 'Kill Bill' music again! It's our only chance!
Sorry. It can only be played once.
Naruto: Aw, nuts.
Gamabunta: I have an idea!
Naruto: What is it?
Gamabunta: If we can wake up Gaara, then the one tailed raccoon will-
Shukaku: I'm sorry, what did you just call me?
Gamabunta: You know. You're a one tailed raccoon, right?
Shukaku: Ahem. Have you noticed my paws? Do these look like opposable thumbs to you? Does it look like they can grab things?
Gamabunta: -Well actually now that I think about it, they look more like the padded feet of a dog. Gasp! I was wrong! You're some kind of raccoon, dog hybrid!
Shukaku: I'M A RACCOON DOG!
Gamabunta: Like I said, a kind of raccoon, dog hybrid.
Shukaku: NO I'M NOT! A raccoon dog's a completely different cainid from a dog that is in no way related to a raccoon! We just look like them, okay? What is wrong with you people? I mean translating oni to solely mean ogre I can understand. They definitely share similar characteristics. Translating kami to mean god I can also understand. Translating kamisama to mean 'The God' I can also understand if you think Kami means god. Translating yokai to mean demon? Sometimes they do appear to be the equivalent. Translating sama to mean lord I can also understand?. BUT TANUKI INTO RACCOON? Have none of you otaku ever read up on tanuki? I would have thought that people obsessed with Japanese culture would know that tanuki aren't even raccoons! I mean how can raccoons be a popular animal in Japanese folklore who's popularity rivals the fox if they're NOT EVEN NATIVE TO THE COUNTRY? If there's one thing I hate, it's being mistaken for a raccoon. Still. It could be worse. You could have mistaken me for a badger.
Naruto: You mean you're NOT a badger?
Shukaku: -That's it. You die first.
Gamabunta: Quickly Naruto! Change us into something with claws!
Naruto: Hmm. Something giant with claws. Nope. Can't think of anything.
Commentator: How about the mutant Nine-Tails?
Naruto: Hey, there's an idea! TRANSFORMATION NO JUTSU!
(Naruto and Gamabunta transform into the mutant Nine-Tails)
(Nine-Tails and Shukaku begin battle. Everything goes black and white and looks like something on a game boy. Something twinkles in the corner)
Shukaku: Hey, what the-?
Sammy: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!
SAMMY HITS SHUKAKU WITH SPINNING BODY SLAM ATTACK! CRITICIAL DAMAGE! NINE-TAILS BY DEFAULT WINS!
Naruto: Well that was anti-climatic, but I'll take it.
(Sammy had hit Gaara, waking him up)
Shukaku: Shukaku has left the building.
Naruto: All right. Here it is. The final showdown between two jinchuuriki.
Gamabunta: AHEM!
Naruto: Sorry. Two 'spiritualist mediums'. Now, LET US BEGIN THE DECIDING MATCH OF WHO IS STRONGER!
(Naruto and Gaara are about to jump at each other)
The Lawyer: HOLD IT! STOP EVERYTHING!
Sammy: You didn't sign a check for bowling?
(The Lawyer whacks him away with his briefcase)
Sammy: LOOKS LIKE SAMMY THE SLUG IS BLASTING OFF AGAIN AGAIN! TWINKLE.
Gaara: Hey, what's the hold up here? Can't you see that we're in a middle of a fight?
The Lawyer: Young ninja, I represent the bad people at Neighbourhood Cluck Productions and they will not tolerate this imitation!
Gaara: What are you talking about?
The Lawyer: You copied Gaara of the Funk's character without properly disclaiming his funk or his funky moves!
Gaara: Oh come on! The guys on Youtube have done much worse than I have, why aren't you hassling them?
The Lawyer: I would, but sadly I only exist in 'Anonymius Productions' so I can't hassle anyone else.
Naruto: I'm sure if Anonymius created your own youtube account then-
Commentator: Shh! Don't give him any ideas!
Naruto: The Lawyer or Anonymius?
Commentator: Both.
Gaara: Yeah, so I borrowed aspects of Gaara of the Funk without properly disclaiming, so what? What are you going to do about it?
The Lawyer: We're gonna have you removed from Fanfiction Dot Net.
Gaara: -No! No! Anything but that! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
THIS CHARACTER HAS BEEN REMOVED DUE TO TERMS OF USE VIOLATION
The Lawyer: Well my work here is done. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some video flagging to do.
(Poof)
Naruto: Wait, is that it?
Commentator: I guess so.
Naruto: Huh. Well that was anti-climatic! Again!
Professor: And ironic. Gaara had been complaining throughout this parody about being confused with Gaara of the Funk and is defeated because he ripped off aspects of Gaara of the Funk.
Naruto: Oh well! At least I didn't get knocked out like in the real episode!
Commentator: Oo, that's right! HAMMERSTRIKE!
Naruto: Hey, what the-?
WHACK
(Naruto plummets to the ground)
No. Of Times Naruto Has Been Knocked Unconscious: Eleven.
Commentator: That was for saying 'Believe it' earlier you-
Healer: COMMENTATOR!
Commentator: -Uh oh. Hey Bro, how's it going?
Healer: WHAT are you doing with my mallet?
Commentator: Um, just restoring the balance and order, Bro.
Healer: YOU JUST KNOCKED OUT NARUTO BECAUSE HE SAID BELIEVE IT!
Commentator: And restoring the number of times he got knocked unconscious, you can't protest against that!
Healer: Grr, just give me back my mallet.
Commentator: And what if I refuse?
Healer: I'll tell everybody reading this your real name!
Commentator: (Handing over mallet) You know, you've used that threat so many times now it's not even funny anymore.
Third: Give me your soul!
Orochimaru: NEVER!
Shinigami: AAAAAAAAAAAAGH! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! THOSE SOULS AREN'T GOING TO REAP THEMSELVES YOU KNOW! That's it; I'm putting an end to this. (Draws sword)
Orochimaru: What are you going to do?
Shinigami: I'm going to help you achieve immortality, by splitting your soul.
Orochimaru: But I've already said, splitting your soul doesn't actually work unless there's still some connection between the pieces AAAAAAAAAAAAH! What have you done?
Shinigami: I've just cut off the arms of your soul.
Orochimaru: Wait. Souls have arms?
Shinigami: Well yeah if the soul is your spiritual equivalent and your life-force, then your soul arms are basically the life force in your arms, so by cutting them away, I make them lifeless.
Orochimaru: Oh. Right. That actually makes a lot of sense if you put it that way.
Shinigami: Mmmmmmmm, Orochimaru's arms. (Druels)
Third: Hey, Voldetongue! You're now more of a snake than ever! Well, goodbye, Orochimaru, til we meet again in the afterlife.
Orochimaru: Wait; I thought you said that the user is doomed to be in the belly of the reaper for all eternity?
Third: GAK!
Orochimaru: Sarutobi? SAURTOBI! Great, now I'll never know what he meant.
Sound Four: LOOKS LIKE TEAM VOLDETONGUE IS BLASTING OFF AGAIN!
Orochimaru: Haven't we done that reference to death yet?
Spider-Man: No. TWINKLE.
And so, Konoha is saved. But at a terrible price. For the Third Hokage, is dead.
Naruto: I'm not that upset. I mean, these great mentor characters tend to die, unless they happen to be the grandfather of the protagonist for some reason. What I'm really upset about is the chuunin exams. I mean- what was the point of all of it? All that testing and fighting and hard work and getting knocked unconscious for what?
Sakura: And Kishimoto is unlikely to repeat himself by doing another Chunnin Arc.
Sasuke: Which means, unless there's some sort of time skip and we're still in the village during it, WE'LL BE STUCK AS GENINS FOR THE REST OF THE MANGA!
(As all the genin characters realise this, they all burst into tears. The sound of their grief is carried by the wind, far away from Konoha)
Figure 1: Sounds like Konoha is fiercely grieving for their fallen leader.
Figure 2: Indeed it does. But soon, in about a week, we'll give them something really to cry about!
Figure 1: That was awful. But still, we'll be far worse than Orochimaru ever was. KONOHA, PREPARE FOR TROUBLE!
Figure 2: Yes. And make it double.
To protect the world from devastation
To unite all people within our nation
To denounce the evils of truth and love
To extend our reach to the stars above
THE END
Commentator: So Sam, how well have our respective abridgers done? Sammy?
(Sammy bursts through the ceiling)
Sammy: AAAAAAAAH!
(Crashes into the floor)
Sammy: Well Boss, overall Vegeta4986 and MasakoX were able to abridge the entire Chuunin Exams and the Invasion of Konoha arcs into twelve episodes, but Anonymius was able to abridge them into nine!
(The Commentator stares at him)
Commentator: No! No! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Bursts into tears) I WAS SO CLOSE! IF ONLY HE HAD MADE JUST ONE MORE CHAPT I COULD HAVE WON! (Instantly stops crying) Wait a minute. AHA! I WIN THE BET!
Professor: How d'you work that out?
Commentator: Because, my dear Professor, the Chuunin Finals Tournament chapter was twice the length of a normal one, and the bet was to see how by Anonymius' style can he abridge compared to Masako and Vegeta. So really, that counts as two, so I win the bet!
Professor: That may be so, Sir, but it was still one chapter, so therefore it counts as one.
Commentator: WHAT! THAT'S UNFAIR!
Professor: Oh like you know the word 'fair'!
Commentator: I WON THE BET!
Professor: NO I DID!
Commentator: I DID!
Professor: I DID!
Commentator: I DID!
Professor: I DID!
Commentator: I DID!
(Silence)
Commentator: Care to settle this in court?
Professor: Okay.
Who will win the bet? Will it be the Commentator? Will it be the Professor? Find out, probably, in a month's time when 'Naruto Abridged (With Commentary) Three: The Search for Tsunade' comes out! (Unless of course Anonymius will be busy doing other things or not be in the mood. Hopefully he should be!)