Step 12: Take the 1 male

And fill with regret

Over a stupid joke

Seriously: Am I just the biggest fucking idiot in the world?

Ryan sat at his desk and stared at his computer until the screen's edges started to blur. He stared till his eyes were so dry he had to snap them shut and rub his eyelids until he saw spots. He opened his eyes again and looked around at his supposed coworkers who were all working at their respective jobs. He then grabbed a pencil nearby and started tapping it on the desk, staring off into space.

For some reason, he was very nervous.

I could've laughed at that joke.

Ryan sighed and chanced a peek in Pam's direction. She sat at her desk and looked like her normal bored, apathetic self: staring at her computer screen (probably Free Cell) and yawning every so often. He knew she would occasionally look up and stare at him for a few seconds several times a day, but Ryan knew, deep down, that was only because Jim used to sit here.

That joke was funny: Why didn't I laugh??

She missed Jim, and Ryan knew that. He knew that, and he hated it. And he hated that he hated it. It was a vicious circle of anger and regret that sent him spinning in circles of bitterness.

And all of it was set off by one stupid failed joke.

She must hate me now.

Ryan glanced up at Pam again, and this time she made eye contact with him. This was like the third time today. Ryan hesitantly smiled and even gave her a small wave, and she smiled politely back. He looked back at his work, butterflies crashing around in his stomach.

Well, maybe she doesn't hate me... but I'm still no Jim...

A few hours ago, everyone in the office found out Oscar was gay. Oscar seemed okay with admitting it, but a little less tolerant of Michael dedicating a whole day for them all to discuss it in the conference room. Ryan remembered feeling so lucky at snagging a seat next to Pam even in such an unpleasant environment. He was pleased, but couldn't ever let Kelly know how pleased he really was. So he kept his face passive and his mouth zipped.

But as the meeting went by, he began feeling less and less lucky and more and more miserable. He couldn't believe Michael was oblivious at how insensitive he was being to Oscar and his lifestyle. And through this haze of misery, an opportunity to joke with Pam just went completely over his head.

"We are all homos... Homosapians..."

Pam had looked up at me and smiled and tried to get me in on the joke. But I just stared at her like a complete idiot.

"What?" Could I have sounded even more like an moron??

That little "what?" had hurt her feelings, and Ryan knew that. And he hated it more than he hated the fact she missed Jim. He looked up at reception one more time, and knew he had to fix things...

***

Everyone was packing up for the day. Ryan was piling some paperwork into his suitcase standing up and was about to put his coat on as he noticed Pam walking up to his desk, a slip of paper in between her fingers.

"This came for you," she mumbled, setting it on his desk, "Henderson Inc."

"Oh. Thanks..." Ryan said, and watched her press her lips together and look down at her feet, his heart thumping uncomfortably hard.

"Uh..." he said, wanting to explain things before he lost the nerve. But before he could, someone quickly walked past them, almost knocking over Pam as he stalked his way over to the door. It was Oscar.

"Oh... poor Oscar." Pam said sympathetically, brushing a stray piece of hair away from her face and looking at the door. "Having to kiss Michael Scott in front of the whole office mustn't have been very fun."

Ryan grinned slightly, slipping on his coat and noticing another opportunity. "I don't know... if he wasn't gay, it could have been a whole lot worse."

Pam looked back at him and scrunched her nose, "I know, but still... Michael."

Ryan laughed at that and looked down. His suitcase was in hand and he was ready to go, but he still just stood there. Pam just stood there too, even though they were the only ones left in the office now.

"But still... at least it wasn't you or me who had to do it, right?" Ryan looked up, and noticed Pam grinning playfully at him now.

Ryan grinned too, and began heading towards the door, still facing Pam, "It probably wouldn't have mattered though: we're all homos... remember?"

He smiled at her, turned back around, and headed out the door. He never noticed Pam freeze in her spot or her eyes open wide at his comment, but he didn't need to.

What was I so worried about in the first place?

***

Step 12: Check