A/N: So, just to be clear, I have no rights to the song in this chapter. Anyway, happy reading :-)
My eyes ached from the intensity of the screen. I rubbed my fingers over them, willing their exhaustion away. I sighed and closed out of the footage of Earth. I should have been sleeping, everyone else was. But I found that I didn't want to waste time on something as tedious as sleep.
The clock at the top of the screen read 5:32 Am. In less than two hours I would be on my way to my death. The thought of my imminent doom didn't bring fear, only a great disappointment. For the first time in my life, I had something to live for. Now, if I wanted them to live it required my death. It was terribly unfair. Then again, such was life.
If these were my last few hours alive, I had no desire to try discern Hel's plans. How she knew of Eithne confused me and had made no sense at all. It was happenstance that she had found me, there was no way Hel could have possibly known that. I shrugged the thoughts away and stood to my feet. Loki was angry with me and I knew better than to attempt reasoning with him. There were some moods of his that required him to be alone.
So it was that I made the decision to leave, only for a moment, keeping in mind the hour and minute that I left. My grandmother's emerged a moment later and I ignored the strange stares my appearance garnered. I knocked on her door intently, anxiously waiting for her to open the door. A moment later it swung open to reveal her, looking a bit frazzled.
"Olivia, you're back. Come in, come in." She ushered me in and I glanced around the room. My uncle was screaming on the floor and I flinched. It was amazing how greater of a tolerance I had for my own child than for someone else's. "I just fed Sarah and laid her down for a nap. Let me go get her." I watched her rush from the room in a flurry of skirts and stood awkwardly by the sofa.
She returned a moment later with a sleeping Sarah. I extended my arms wide to cradle her in my arms. "So it's safe now?" My grandmother inquired breathily. She looked so very tired and I knew it would be any day that my grandfather would die. In a few weeks she would discover she was pregnant with my mother. I couldn't burden her with my problems.
"As safe as the world can be." I replied sadly. "Thank you for watching her, I really appreciate it."
"Any time, love. Any time." She pecked me on the forehead and rushed me out the door. A moment later I returned to my spot in the review room. All was quiet, save for the steady hum of the ship and the occasional whir of the computers.
Sarah squirmed in her sleep and I felt a pang of longing. I so wanted to watch this little girl grow up. I wanted to see her grow and learn and discover. This would be my last time with her. I cradled her tiny hand with my forefinger. "Sarah, my love." I whispered quietly, kissing her hair. She smelled so very good, innocent, clean, and pure. "I want you to know how very much your mama loves you. You are going to be the most beautiful, wonderful girl." Her tiny body squirmed once more and I smiled, feeling tears rise to the surface. "Take care of your dad when I'm gone. He's not a bad person, he just needs someone to save him from himself sometimes."
She gurgled and I giggled slightly. I watched in awe as I saw her open her eyes for the first time. I knew she had likely done it before, but I had never seen her do it. She gazed at me with the most lovely set of lavender eyes. I wasn't sure where she had pulled that gene from but I didn't care. They were lovely and for the first time I was able to get a truly good look at her.
While it was true that she greatly resembled Loki, I had managed to find pieces of myself in her as well. Though her eye color was different, she had my almond shaped eyes, their corners turning up at the ends. Her rosy pink lips were also incredibly similar to my own, fuller with a pronounced bow at the top. She made a cooing sound when she looked at me and I thought my heart was going to shatter to pieces.
"None of that, now. What are you trying to do to me?" I asked shakily, bringing her small fingers to my lips to kiss them. Her lower lip quivered and I had the sinking feeling that she knew. Somehow, this tiny baby knew what I was going to do. Sarah made a hissy, groaning noise in the back of her throat and I raised her to my shoulder.
"No, no. It's going to be okay. You'll be fine." She wasn't convinced and I knew she was on the brink of crying. "Shh! Do you want me to sing, hmm? Do you want me to sing you one last song?" She fussed against me and I made the decision for her. I remembered the song my aunt used to sing Claire and I to sleep with when we were little. My father's family was Irish and I recalled his sister singing many an Irish song for us. As a little girl, I had often dreamed, as little girls often do, of being an Irish princess. I would wander the hillsides and live in a castle and one day I would meet a very handsome, Irish prince and my life would be complete.
I hadn't thought of those dreams in years and I found that I wasn't disgusted as I thought I would be. They were the fantasies of a child, a child that wanted so desperately to be loved and wanted. Still, the memories brought my once favorite song to the forefront of my mind.
"I wish I was in Carrickfergus
Where the castle looks out to sea.
I would swim over the deepest ocean
For my love to be with me..."
The meaning had been lost on me as a child but now that I was older I understood the sorrow in the verses. Of love lost and passed on. A yearning for death so as to be reunited once more. How fitting it all was.
"But the sea is wide and I can not swim over
Nor have I the wings to fly
I wish I had a handsome boatman,
To ferry me over, my love and I..."
Sarah's restlessness began to fade and I gently stroked her back.
"I wish I was in the land of Eire,
Where the mountains reach the sea.
Where flowers blossom as I do remember.
Where my true love came to me..."
A serene calm seemed to descend upon the room and I closed my eyes in thought.
"But the sea is wide and I can not swim over.
Nor have I the wings to fly.
I wish I was in Carrickfergus.
To be together my love and I.
To be together my love and I..."
I turned my head to the left and kissed her sleeping head.
"I wish I was in Carrickfergus,
To be together my love and I.
I wish I was back home again." My voice cracked on the last word. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. I should be there to look after her, to love her and teach her. I stifled a sob as I held her close, treasuring the feel of her against me.
"Doctor Grant?" The sound of the voice snapped me out of my thoughts. I felt a tear run down my cheek and quickly brushed it away with my free hand. Agent Richards stood in the doorway and I cursed my forgetfulness to close the door.
"Yes? What is it?" My tone was sharp and I felt a pang of guilt for being so rude.
"Is that your daughter?" Her voice was quiet, barely audible at all.
I sniffed and tried to regain my composure, responding with a silent nod. Her mouth curved into a frown. "Where will you take her?"
"Um, to her grandmother, I suppose." Though I didn't know the queen very well, I suspected she would take care of Sarah while we were all incapacitated. And I knew she would be safe until Loki came back. A stab of pain hit my stomach at the thought I wouldn't be returning with him.
"I could watch her, if you like. Until they come back. She'd be safe here, at least."
"I don't know-"
"Please," Her tone was full of sympathy and the gesture nearly sent me into an emotional collapse. "It's the least I can do." I choked on the lump in my throat and nodded quietly, gentling untangling Sarah from my shoulder. I gave her one last kiss on her forehead, feeling the tears stream fully. I had to end it, I had to. If I waited any longer I'd lose any reserve that remained. Quickly, I passed her to Richards and stepped away.
"Thank you." I whispered, furiously brushing the droplets away.
She shot me a sympathetic smile and turned away from me. I felt an overwhelming darkness descend upon me as she left, leaving a void where my heart once was.