III

Severus dressed in new clothing after Regulus fled from his side. Taking his time he wrapped his hand in bandages and gauze. Any neglect and he would hear from a teacher, if not Lily. He had to be presentable for Lily, although he knew that was near impossible. He was never 'good looking'. Nor was he the type to woo a girl just by having one of them catch a glimpse of him. It was something he would never understand. Even the thought of that happening made him shudder. It was absurd. True beauty lies within the heart; the eyes are a window to the heart. It is said that the face is a representation of the soul. Looking at himself, his soul would be considered completely barren, black to the core and colder than ice. Many people would tell him that it was true. There were a select few who could see past that. Only two people had seen him for what he really was. One of them could see him for who he was the instant she laid eyes on him, the other had known, but he would never had admitted it to himself, until he truly need him.

He used a drying spell on his hair and combed it carefully. He neglected his hair sometimes at that age, but that would change. He knew how to take care of himself properly now. No matter what he did his hair was a lost cause. It would always remain in curtains in front of his pallid face. Only if he could cut it…well he could, but it could very well be a terrible decision. When it came to his nose, it was unsalvageable. It had been broken four times, and he certainly wouldn't use a spell, potion, or even the muggle method of rhinoplasty to fix it. At one point he gave up. He wouldn't waste away in front of a mirror for the rest of his life. He had more important things to do.

Once again he walked through the corridors of Hogwarts. Strangely, he felt at home there, even though Hogwarts held some of his worst memories. He eyed the old, grey walls of the school as he walked further into its mysteries. Unlike most people he would walk through the abandoned Ravenclaw hallway to get through the school. He remembered it in full detail. The hallway was relatively clean, in acceptation for the green substance which had started growing on the walls. The floors were slightly slippery from the morning dew. There was no glass covering the windows. The breeze would make its way through the hall, causing him to shudder.

He winded his way through the castle, trying not to be seen or interrupted. He had one goal in mind, one that shall not be interrupted. He had taken his time walking through the castle. In spite of everything, he felt nostalgic. All too soon he found himself meters away from the Fat Lady's portrait. He had to stop and think for a moment. Could he even go through with it? It could go horribly wrong. He wasn't a headstrong Gryffindor. He had to analyze everything. He needed to have a plan for every second. He had to plan to expect failure, to court desire and to hope for success.

A short seventh year girl came out. Her chestnut colored hair and pale blue-grey eyes seemed familiar to him. Mary—Mary McDonald, it was her. She was a lively girl, but headstrong and idiotic. She was more like a Hufflepuff that happened to have Gryffindor qualities, which could overpower every fiber of her being in an instant. The one thing that separated her from being a Hufflepuff was her hatred for Slytherins. He despised her to a point that was almost inconceivable. In fact, he knew she filled Lily's head with prejudice when she was at her weakest. That was the true reason why he hated her. She had a small hand in ruining their friendship.

As she walked passed him he pulled her into his corner, he pulled him close to his body as she began to squirm in displeasure. Before she could scream, he casted, "Muffliato," to make sure no one could hear. "Snape!" she yelled. He put his finger against her lips trying to silence her. For a moment she paused in awe. He took it to his advantage.

"Where is Lily?" he asked calmly. He knew how to get what he wanted. He just had to suppress his temper for long enough.

He listed his finger slowly. What is he doing? "Don't touch me," she hissed.

"Where is Lily?" he repeated.

"I won't tell you." She glared at him.

He smirked. "So she isn't in the common room, is she?" She starred wide eyed at him. How does he know? If he was so sure that she wasn't in the common room why does he ask me such stupid questions? She nodded. "Tell me where she is." He didn't need to ask anymore. He needed to demand.

She turned away from him in disgust. A slimy Slytherin should interact with snakes. He gripped her hand tighter so she wouldn't escape. "Snape what do you think you're doing? You know she will never talk to you. You don't even deserve it. You gave up fifth year. She gave up on you. Leave it be."

"I know," he whispered.

She turned back towards him. Who knew the arrogant git would ever say that? Sweat dripped down her forehead. He's different now. He changed. He's still a git though. "She left half an hour ago."

"Where?"

"I don't know. It's a Hogsmeade weekend. Maybe she's there. She didn't tell anyone." She was useless. Why did he ever think she could help him, that ignorant waste of time? He let go of her hands, and automatically she slapped him. "Don't ever touch me again!" she yelled, before leaving. The charm broke as soon as she left.

Severus stepped out of the corner, only to be spotted by 'the greatest joy of his life', the Fat Lady. "Snape!" she bellowed, "What do you think you're doing? What did you do with that sweet girl, Mary?" A sweet girl? The Fat Lady had never faced her wrath. Gryffindors have a terrible judgment of character. It's why they put their faith in wrong person at the wrong time

"I believe that is none of your concern, you insufferable—"

"Snape, don't you dare take that tone with me!" she yelled, cutting him off. He walked away sick of the portrait. There are thousands of moving, talking portraits and they had to choose her.

Luckily no one was in the halls, yet. He calmed down quickly, before continuing his search for Lily. He walked through the castle, hoping that she wasn't in Hogsmeade. He remembered distinctly that in seventh year the Marauders caused an incident which banned him from going to Hogsmeade until the beginning of December, along with detention up until the end of September.

He rushed through the dining hall. A few students sat at the tables, chewing cornbread and talking with their mouths full, only taking breaks to sip their pumpkin juice. While he was in the dining hall he quickly transfigured an old piece of yellowed parchment into a paper bag, and slid a few pieces of the bread into it, saving it for later.

Next he ran through the library, rather violently. He couldn't help, but stop at the potions section. Something had caught his eye. Supposedly Forgotten Potions of the Wizarding World—mental note: come back to the library later and check that book out. A dozen other books caught his eye too, but he hadn't the time to think about them. Lily wasn't in the library. He couldn't linger too long in there. The sooner he found Lily the sooner he could fix everything. Time was of the essence.

After searching every corner of the school he had access to he was completely exhausted. He was once again where he started, in the potions classroom, sitting on a chair, hoping he would find Lily soon. It was a good thing Slughorn never entered his classroom on a Saturday, especially when he could go to The Three Broomsticks and drink his life away. A pang of hunger hit him. He nibbled away at the cornbread as he thought about where Lily could be. Hogsmeade or Hagrid's where the only places left.

He abruptly stood up, letting the chair fall behind him and he raced out of the potions classroom to Hagrid's hut. For a thin, sickly looking man he sure could run. He stepped onto the grass, the wind blowing his long, sleek hair away from his face. As he got nearer he slowed down. He stood at the doorstep, panting, trying to catch his breath. He knocked on the door, hoping Hagrid would answer. He was greeted instantly. "Sev'rus it's good ter see yeh!" he exclaimed. "Come in, I've got some tea brewin'." Severus timidly nodded, before following him into his home. "I haven't seen you in a long time."

The cabin was filthy looking, but it was nothing compared to his house on Spinner's End, if he could even call it that. He had kept his pets' food next to his own. How he didn't mix the two up Severus would never know. It a small living space, but it was enough for Hagrid. The smell of pheasants hanging from the ceiling was something Severus had gotten used to. It was something he had always associated with Hagrid, and he would find comfort in it at times.

Hagrid set the tea pot on the table after pouring the tea in two small cups. Severus tapped his long, pale fingers impatiently. It was taking too long. He had to know where Lily was. He could talk to Hagrid later. Severus sighed quietly as Hagrid looked up at him.

"How are yeh Sev'rus?" Severus replied with a scowl. "I see…" Hagrid pushed a teacup towards him. "'Ere drink this." He learned that he could trust Hagrid. He wouldn't do anything to harm him. Though he would never say it, he considered Hagrid a friend. He hated himself for making the half-giant think badly of him, but things were different. Severus would never have a cheerful disposition, but at least he could be bearable around him.

"Thanks," he muttered as he lifted the teacup to his mouth. The tea felt good as it flowed down his dry throat. As he set the cup down he asked, "Hagrid, have you seen Lily lately?"

Hagrid's eyes bulged out a bit at the mentioning of Lily's name. He choked on his tea, and immediately started pounding on his chest. Hagrid was appalled that Severus would mention her name. It was something he had forbidden Hagrid from mentioning around him. They had severed their ties a long time ago, or at least that was what he knew. Letting out a deep breathe he said, "Yeh haven't mentioned 'er in so long." He continued to mumble something inconceivably. "She was 'ere this mornin'. Wanted ter 'elp me. She wen' off ter Hogsmeade after that."

As soon as he heard the word Hogsmeade, Severus' hands went numb. He dropped the ceramic cup, causing it to smash against the dirty floor. "Sorry," he blurted out, almost too quickly. He bent down, picking up the shattered pieces. He inferred a bit too far. She was with James. He couldn't do anything about that. If she truly loved him she wouldn't stop her. He just wanted Lily to be happy. More so, he wanted her to be happy with him.

"Yeh don' have to pick tha' up."

"It's okay. I'm glad to help," he replied. After he picked up the pieces he quickly threw them away into the trash bin and sat down, trying not to waste time. "So, Hagrid, I see that you're doing… well." Hagrid nodded in agreement. He scanned the half-giant, wondering how time seemed to take its toll on people's appearances. His hair, of course, was still brown, but no longer tinted gray and his black eyes still had the cheerful disposition it had seventeen years from then. Not much had changed.

"Sev'rus, it's almost time fer lunch. Yeh best be goin'."

"I really can't eat anything right now." He lied. In truth, he was starving, despite the fact that he had cornbread an hour earlier. Teenage boy hormones affected him, despite all odds.

"Yeh really should. I don' wan' yeh dyin' of starvation," said Hagrid, with a lot of concern. He cared for the boy. He couldn't help, but pity him. To Hagrid it was odd to see such a thin boy. He was accustomed to the boys at Hogwarts, who were mostly healthy looking and strongly built.

"I'll sneak some food if I'm late." He had done this many times during his years at Hogwarts. The house elves didn't object either. The creatures had hearts larger than there entire bodies.

"Well… okay. But this is the only time I'm not tellin'." He began walking toward a large pot which was on the stove. He lifted the cover and a putrid smell started to encompass the room. It wafted over to Severus' nose, causing him to flinch in disgust. He couldn't gag in front of Hagrid, it would be rude.

"It smells…good," He wrinkled his nose.

"I taught meself ter make it. I can teach yeh if yeh want."

"No, it's fine really. I know how to cook…enough." He didn't lie. He hadn't made enough money to eat take away food on the weekends and the days over break. So he had learned from the old cookbooks in his dreadful house on Spinner's End. "Did Lily go with anyone?" he asked, trying to change the topic back to something of his interest.

"She said she was goin' ter meet up with' James." He looked at Severus, his eyebrow shooting up in curiosity. "Why da yeh keep askin' 'bout 'er?"

"No reason," he replied, almost believably. His theory was correct. She was with James. He knew where this was headed. In December James would propose, she would say she needs some time to think, and then, by the end of the school year she would shout from the stands during after Gryffindor wins the Quidditch cup, 'James, I'll marry you.' The crowd would roar as he takes her off on his broom, like the romantic he is. Severus shuddered at the memory. But remembering her happy made him happy, to a certain extent.

He sat back down, staring at Severus. Why's he actin' like this? He stopped mentionin' Lils a long time ago. Maybe he's gotten some sense knocked inter 'im. Sev'rus is a smart boy, even if it took 'im this long to realize it. Maybe they'll make up in the… Oh that reminds me! "Sev'rus I need yehr 'elp with somethin'."

"I'm not sure. What do you need help with?" he replied.

"I asked Dumbledore if he could let a few students 'elp me in the Forest. Said it was fine, long as I make sure none of yehs die. I only need two 'elpers. I know yeh don't like doin' this sort of thing, but I trust yah. What do yeh say Sev'rus?" Hagrid hoped that Severus would say yes. He didn't trust too many people to go into the forest with him. Severus had made some bad decisions in his life, but he was still trustworthy.

"I don't know. I'm not sure what precarious creatures lay in the forest. A manticore could devour me for all I know, and those centaurs idiotically wander around the forest looking for trouble. . . Besides, who's the other person that's going with you? I'm not sure if I can cope with being grouped together with some idiot. . ."He continued on muttering something about how an idiot could get him killed.

"Lily's goin' to be elpin' me. If yeh 'ave a problem with tha-"

His eyes lit up with the mentioning of Lily. "I'll help." he blurted out, almost too quickly, cutting Hagrid off. "She won't get me killed," he added softly.

The boy defeinatly has feelins' for 'er. His eyes only light up that way when I say 'er name. Hagrid smiled widely."Good. Now, yeh best be off. There's still time fer lunch." Severus nodded quickly and got up from the chair. "I need yeh ter meet me 'ere at eight. Don't be late." Surely, Severus would come half an hour early. He left the cottage and headed off into the dining hall.

Severus looked out of one of the tower windows. It was seven. The sun was setting. Bright oranges, purples and pinks mixed in with the bewilderingly pale blue sky beautifully. Clouds scarcely covered the sky. At the horizon two figures appeared, holding hands and laughing. They edged closer, until Severus could see them clearly. One figure, a woman, had curly dark red hair and the shockingly breathtaking green eyes. The other, a man, had messy black hair and hazel eyes. Lily and James were together, happily enjoying each other's company. It made him sick to his stomach.

Tears slowly began to spill from his eyes once again. Something about going back to the past made him emotional. Perhaps it was nostalgia, or melancholy, but it certainly hit Severus' heart almost as much as Lily had. His tears fell onto the ground far below him like raindrops. He wished he could see her smile because of him. He wanted to hold her in his arms and never let go of her. There were few times he wished he was James Potter, but this was one of them. He never considered Potter to be a great man, but any man who could acquire her love couldn't be terrible. But that had made Potter his sworn enemy for life. Maybe, life would have been better if he were born James Potter, and sorted into Gryffindor. It was a ludicrous wish—something completely absurd. He could never understand why she was so happy with him.

She's happy. I shouldn't interfere with it. But I want her. Temptation is truly terrible. Maybe it would have been better if I were born with ice for a heart and a blank book for a mind. Her happiness is all that matters. I should be happy for her. But why aren't I?

That's a stupid question. Even my first year potions class could have answered it. I'm in love with her. I always will be. I just have to hold it in, like I have for the past twenty years. Maybe if I placed my heart in a vault in Gringotts I wouldn't have to feel anything anymore. No, that wouldn't work. Emotions don't come from the heart, they come from the mind. Emotions are a chemical reaction in your body. Not even Occlumency could help me keep all my emotions at bay. At times I would break down, just as I did now. I don't know what to do. I'm helpless.

The only thing left is for me is to hope… The only problem was that he could lose all hope in an instant, and it would be gone forever, lost somewhere unreachable to him.

He turned away from the scene. He had to meet up with Hagrid soon. Then, he could make up with Lily. Then, maybe, he will finally be able to make up for something he never intended on happening.

A/N: Please review, it would be greatly appreciated. Also, feel free to PM me with any questions, as I will not be answering them in any Author's Notes.