V

Noise began to fill Severus' ears and delicious smells began to waft to his nose as he limped toward the dining hall. He was late to dinner as always. He couldn't focus on food. He was too excited to eat. In two hours he would meet up with Lily, and somehow weave their friendship back together. As he entered the dining hall he caught a glimpse of Lily. He felt as if a smile crept onto his face, even though it was just his usual scowl.

He went over to his usual spot, away from anyone in Slytherin, and away from anyone else in the school. He wanted to be alone. Loneliness is better than being submerged by a sea of unwanted company. There were only two people in the school he wanted to sit next to. Lily, of course, was one of them, but right now she was too deeply infatuated with Potter that her presence would only unhinge the current "stability" between Potter and him. The other person was Regulus. He was like a little brother to Severus. He was never truly bad. He had fallen into the hands of the wrong person, only because he was fed the same lies Severus was. Regulus was nowhere to be found. So he only wanted to be alone, with a book, somewhere, where people wouldn't bother him, so he could disappear from this world, until the time came where he could talk to Lily—alone.

He ate his food and read his potions book, making further improvements to the inadequate thing. He would sometimes look up at the book to take a peek at Lily. She laughed and smiled with the Marauders, she would sometimes even touch James. It sickened him seeing her with Potter—even now, when he knew she was happy. She wasn't with her other friends. Come to think of it, she hung out with the Marauders the entire seventh year, and no one else, if memory served him right. Unlike Lily, he secluded himself from everyone. He was the exact opposite of Lily. He couldn't make people laugh or be happy. He had near to zero social skills. It was like he didn't exist at all. Not many people knew his name. They only referred to him as "Death Eater", "Snake", "Slimy Slytherin", "The Guy Who Never Gets His Huge Hooked Nose Out of a Book", or his favorite names, "Snivellus", "Snivellus-Greasy", "Snivelly", and even "Snivell-puss". Not even his own house members called him by Severus, or Snape. There were only a select few her did so. He was just somebody who would eventually no longer walk these halls and be soon forgotten. He was so unlike Lily. But like magnets, positives and negatives always end up attracting. There was no way to avoid it.

Two people he had no intention of seeing, much less talking to, sat down next to him, causing him to be crushed between them. "Snape, what are you reading now?" asked Mulciber.

"Nothing," he muttered.

"We wanted to talk to you about yesterday," said Avery, probably, in order to remind Mindless-Mulciber.

"We never knew you had a back bone! All of Slytherin was completely taken-aback by you!"

"Mulciber that's not the point," Avery sneered. "The point is, Snape, you took charge, and tried to put us...into our place."

"Yeah, that's what I meant…"

"Nevertheless, do not do it again, or there will be consequences." Avery tried to warn Snape, but he was not as nearly as masterful at it as Severus was. "Anyway, I think you're ready."

"Ready for what exactly?" he asked, his voice full of aggravation.

"There's a meeting tomorrow. I think you're ready to meet him. After all, he needs your brilliant mind." This hadn't happened last time. He was able to go by unnoticed for quite some time last time.

"No Avery. I have lost interest in such…ludicrous organizations."

"Is it because of the Mudblood? She's nothing." Snape glared at him, his eyes full of malice. If eyes could kill someone, then his eyes would have surely have stopped Avery's heart. Avery had touched a nerve that was never meant to be touched, much less provoked. Nonetheless, he proceeded. "Look at her. She's with Potter. She hates you. She's moved on, and might I add, she took the wrong way. She's an idiot. You can do the right thing. Abandon her. Join the ranks. You could have power. You could bring stability to the government. But in order for you to do these things you must join the ranks. She isn't worth chasing after."

Severus had enough of Avery. He had only killed two people in life, and if Avery continued on he would end up the third. Severus stood up with complete composure. "Avery, Mulciber," he said looking at the both of them, "If the either of you think you can talk like that you are surely ready to throw yourselves at death. You two are more mindless than Gryffindors. I'm not someone to push around. If you keep prodding me I will punish you liberally. And if I may add, the pain will be immense. Speak a word against her and I will slit your throats. Ask me once more to meet your 'Dark Lord' and I will do the same. Avery, things have changed. You no longer hold the cards. I no longer care for your mundane punishments. They are nothing. Now, I must go on my way, and you two on yours," his tone of voice was more terrifying than the words he spoke. The words were silent, but precise. His voice was the voice you would here in your nightmares, threatening you, making you believe you were dying, and making you wish you would die faster. Avery stood up, ready to retort, and Mulciber soon followed, as if her were on the Imperious Curse. It was likely he was. Unfortunately, for them, Severus had made his way out of the dining hall too quickly.

He made his way to the library. It was the only place where nobody dared to bother him. He silently walked through the isles, looking for nothing in particular. He had a little more than an hour till he could talk to Lily. Time seemed to pass too slowly. For him seconds were like minutes, and minutes like hours. Many people wasted time lingering in the past, but for Severus, he threw away his moments by lingering in the future. He had to fix things. The idea had imprinted itself into his head long ago. He lived to fix things, as if he were a repair man trying to fix a broken down car. He would die if he couldn't.

He sat down in the middle of an isle and starred up at the ceiling, yet again wasting his precious time. He thought about what Avery said to him. He was wrong, and he always would be. Following that path only marked death for hundreds of innocent people. He wouldn't go through with it again. He was sure of it. He rolled up his left sleeve, starring at the pale, unmarked arm. It's gone. The mark no long forsakes my skin. I'm no longer his slave. I don't have to hide it from Lily anymore. My arm is no longer tainted. No, I'm wrong. It is tainted. The memory of it haunts me. It's in my nightmares, and even my most pleasant dreams. It will always be there. I will always see it there, no matter how clean my skin. Only if I hadn't made that mistake the first time…

He closed his eyes for a moment, envisioning Lily holding his left hand happily. They were at the lake on Spinner's End. They weren't kids, they were adults. They were laughing, having fun. They would lean in, slowly shortening the space between them, until their lips would touch, and a kiss would erupt with a fiery passion. It was perfect. It was what he yearned for most. Only if time could have stopped. Even if it where only for that moment, he would have been truly happy. He kept his eyes closed for a few moments, drifting further into his vision. If only life was sweeter, and death sugar coated, then he would have it all. Life seemed so simple when it wasn't reality.

Lily stared out of the window of her room. James was holding her in his arms, but all she could think of was Severus. He had saved her yesterday, and today she was going to talk to him. What did he want? Was it worth it to go to him? She didn't know. She had never been so lost in her life. What would happen if she didn't? She knew. He would find another way. He always had a plan. There was no way of avoiding the inevitable, you could only stall it.

"Severus," she whispered.

After a few seconds James reacted. "Did you say anything Lily?" It was good he didn't hear her well enough to understand.

"No nothing."

"Okay." He looked at her smiling. He kissed her on the lips fervently, but she couldn't kiss back. She pulled away. "Is anything wrong?"

"No." She felt as if she had a weight in her stomach and it only got heavier. Her heart heaved, and her stomach continuously churned. What had Severus done to her? Seeing him presumably care for her did something to her, something that had no name, and something that was unthinkable, unfathomable, truly like a work of fiction. It was surreal. It was something that wasn't written in novels, nor explained by science. It wasn't just one emotion. It was many, piling themselves into a pool of confusion; swirling together like a maelstrom.

"Lily-flower, we have some time before curfew. Do you want to go have some fun?"

"No, I have to go somewhere soon. Sorry." She couldn't look at James. If she would look at him, she would stare into his hazel eyes, and only think of what would happen tonight between Severus and her. Was it wrong to think about him? How couldn't she? They had so much between them. Maybe, tonight she could finally get some closure. Maybe, tonight he would say everything that she needed him to say, so she could finally let go. She could only hope, though hope wasn't much at all, because she knew that she would never be able to heal that wound.

It was too hard not to understand. It was too hard to try to understand. It was a contradiction in itself. Maybe, tonight things would make sense, like they did before the end of fifth year.

Severus sat on the edge of the astronomy tower. His head hung down, his hair draping over him. From a distance he looked like a corpse left there to decompose. He was so far from the ground. He could just fall and life would slip away, yet again. But there were three metal bars holding him up, ensuring his safety. It was something life never had. How easily it looked to let go, but in truth, he never could. In five minutes Lily would walk up to him and he would feel alive again.

The night sky was dotted with stars. The yellow tinted gray moon floated in the sky. The sky's color that night was different than usual. It was black, swirled with dark purples and deep blues, but the most astonishing thing was how a wisp of dark green seemed to entangle itself into the skyline. It made the sky mysterious, allusive and alluring. It was a truly beautiful night, even more beautiful than the last. There was no better night than this one to tell Lily.

Five minutes had passed and she wasn't there. He began to worry. Would she come? She didn't have a reason to. But he was sure. She never went back on her word. He was still worried—he couldn't help himself. He felt through his pockets and in them were stones. He took them out. They were like pearls; cream colored balls shimmering in the moonlight as he held them in the palm of his hand. He began to throw them into the sky as he grew impatient.

Lily appeared, wearing her usual Hogwarts uniform. He wasn't sure when she had gotten there, but he was sure it was not long ago. She didn't say a word. He looked at her eyes. They said every word he needed her to say. He couldn't stop looking at her. "Sit down," he said in barely a whisper. She did as he said. "You don't have to say a word to me. I just want you to listen. Wait until I'm finished. After that, everything is up to you." She nodded. She looked into his eyes, and he into hers. From afar it looked as if they were sharing an intimate moment, but to the both of them it was something more serious, and something more important. He gently stroked her hand, once, twice, before she pulled away. "Lily," he began.

"Don't," she choked out, she couldn't endure to hear her name from his lips. "Don't say my name." He didn't question it.

"I'm sorry about what I said last year. I'm sorry I cannot turn back time and change that day no matter how much I want to. I never meant to call you that. You were my best friend, my only friend, and I let you go, I betrayed you. I'm sorry. I know I can't fix that. I know nothing will make up for it. I just wanted you to know that it eats away at me. It's like I'm living a nightmare because of it…not that I was living in a dream before. That day was the worst day of my life. I wish it never happened." The words left his mouth unoccluded completely filled with emotion. He paused. He couldn't look at her. He couldn't breathe, and neither could she. Their hearts pounded at the truth. Their eyes began to fill with tears. The years of pent up hatred, resent, loneliness, unrequited love on Severus' part, disclosure on Lily's, and unspeakable emotions poured out of them at once. "I wish I never let it all go…" he said after his ability to speak returned.

"Why?" She swallowed loudly, trying to hold back everything she wanted to say to him.

I love you. He shook his head. "I can't say. I don't have words for it." This was the hardest thing he had ever done, harder than killing Dumbledore, and even harder than watching James' and Lily's child Harry grow up right before his eyes. The words he had planned to say to her, the conversation he planned to have with her was all gone, lost somewhere in the air, never to be found again. The worst part of it was he couldn't tell Lily the truth. He could patch up their friendship, but it would be sewn together by lies.

"Things can change. You haven't talked to me in a long time. I'm different now. I assure you I'm not the same person I was in fifth year. I have different goals. I'm choosing a different path. I just think it's important that you know that." That wasn't a lie, even though the broad truth was hiding something deeper behind it. He began to slide up his left sleeve. She gasped, as if she expected the Dark Mark to be imprinted on his arm. She was partially right. It used to be. When he fully rolled up his sleeve she could see his bare, unmarked, untainted beautiful skin. She touched his arm, sliding her finger down it, thankful that he hadn't made that choice. He isn't a Death Eater. Thank Merlin. Maybe, he isn't lying. He's changed. But can I trust him after all this time? How do I know things won't take a thousand steps back?

"I'm not a Death Eater. Nor do I have intention of becoming one. I'm not saying that I will save the world. I'm not saying that I will be on the side of light. All I can promise you is that I won't become one of them. I've had a change of heart—a permanent change of heart. I'm truly sorry about everything that I've done wrong. I just wish that there would be a way I could make it up to you. I should never have strayed in the first place. I can't promise you that I won't get off the path sometimes. It's hard to walk in one straight line. But I will try."

"Why? Why now?" Her heart pounded heavily inside of her. He's saying all of the right words.

He shook his head. "Sometimes words cannot explain everything. Maybe, one day I will be able to find the right reason and I'll tell you. But for now, I know that I won't go down that path again." She looked at her former best friend. Is he trying to trick me? Is this a lie? Why couldn't he just completely let go of me? I don't know what to do anymore… I don't know if I can trust him now…

"I don't want to be pitied. I don't want to be left without you. I want your friendship. Without it, I know I'll never truly be forgiven. I know I don't deserve it. I don't deserve anything from you. You are happy now. You are happy without me. No matter, I just needed you to know all of that. I can't tell you why, because I don't know. I just know that you deserve to know. I would have told you sooner if I could have." If I could have, I wouldn't have ever done this in the first place. I shouldn't have been an idiot before. I abused what we had between us. I went back in time for you. I just hope it will all be worth it. I love you Lily. "I want you to think about this. You don't have to if you don't want to. For now, all I ask for is forgiveness, but I won't be able to stop myself from asking for more. I'm sure I will be…tempted to." They were both crying, drenched in tears that stained their robes. The moonlight shined down on them. They could fully see each other's eyes. Years of pain filled both pairs. It was too hard to suppress their emotions. He took her hands into his, and with his thumbs he stroked the back of her hands. They were soft. She had small hands, but nonetheless they were beautiful. He looked at her, slightly smiling. "I just hope you can forgive me." It made her cry harder. He did the exact opposite of what he should have done, in Lily's opinion. He didn't close the unclosed doors, but rather opened them even more. Nothing would change the fact that he called her a Mudblood. She didn't know if she could forgive him for that, at least not now.

She got up and turned away. She couldn't look at her former friend anymore. It was too painful. He grabbed her gently, and spun her around to face him. His eyes captivated her. They were like tunnels which she could get lost in for the rest of time. They put her into a trance. He never spoke about how he felt, and now, he finally said something. He always spoke with his eyes. Anything he would say would always be cryptic. Even though he had poured his every thought into her, his eyes told more. They told such a more detailed story that she nearly collapsed in his arms. She felt her body slowly loose its strength. "Please," he begged her.

"I don't know…" her voice trailed off as turned away from him and walked away from the astronomy tower. Never in her wildest dreams had she imagined this. Every part of her was screaming to say I forgive you, but still, she had so many reasons not to. He watched her as she walked away, her beautiful dark red hair flying behind her. What did I say wrong? It doesn't matter. I tried. I'll try again. He collapsed on the floor the moment she left the tower. He felt dead on the inside again.

Lily found an isolated corner in the tower. She stood against the wall, slowly letting go of the strength in her knees, until finally she collapsed on the ground. She remembered looking into his eyes, and seeing how different they were now. They were the same color, the same shape, but everything was different about them now.

Never in her life had she felt more lost. The words he said to her repeated in her mind. She was in a labyrinth, trying to escape the same thing she was trying to find. Her heart pounded so hard inside of her chest that she could hear it and it only grew louder. He had her hand on her chest, as she panted for air. She almost hyperventilated. She had never felt so many things at once. The room she was in began to spin. What had he done to her? His words were like a poison, quickly taking affect, but slowly consuming her, until it would finally take her away in one fatal moment.

How can I trust him after all this time? How do I know he won't turn around and go back to what used to be? He could be lying. But why does every single word he says seem so sincere, so full of truth and so hard to ignore? He's something else, something truly unfathomable. He's Severus. I'll never be the one to understand him, or a single motive of his. Why is he going through with all of this? I don't know. I want answers. I can't say yes or no without them. He says he can't give me a reason. Then why tell me everything if he has none?

What would James say about this? If Severus and I were friends again he would bully Severus to no end. Against all odds he might accept it. He knows I love him. If I show him then he wouldn't get jealous. This could work. But do I say yes or no?

That night they both went to sleep with heavy, aching hearts, and an infinite number of thoughts in their heads. Their minds were like cauldrons, filled with all the wrong ingredients, waiting for success, or the one explosion that would mark failure. That night there was no definite yes or no. There were only maybes, haunting them in their dreams. Time would give them an answer, but sometimes time passes far too quickly, and far too suddenly that one day it would be too late.

A/N: Please review, it would be greatly appreciated. Also, feel free to PM me with any questions, as I will not be answering them in any Author's Notes.