XI

They rushed to the hospital wing as fast as their legs could carry them. If he killed Potter he would never be able to forgive himself. He despised him with every fiber of his being. But if he hurt Lily this way he wouldn't know what to do. Lily had only begun to trust him. He could not muck up. Just let me make it in time. I had saved one Potter—multiple times; surely I can save the other.

They came bursting through the door. Regulus tripped over his own feet and shrieked. He knocked over the other three, causing them to have the same cold, hard fate as he. "Merlin Reg, why did you have to come along?" Lily yelled at him, her voice harsh and raspy. She was angry at him, because every second was more important as time passed. He had helped them waste time.

Severus rushed to Potter. Madam Pomfrey was next to Potter monitoring him uselessly. His eyes grew wide at the scene. He was pulsating, violently thrashing from one side of the bed to the other. His blood shot eyes were open; tears spilled out of them in a stream of hot salty water. His mouth was widely opened, but not a single sound escaped it. It was a horrific sight. "Madam, I need you to tell me exactly what happened. Also, I need to see the potions you have been giving him for the last twenty four hours." His voice was calm, even though on the inside he felt as if he was running around in circles, until finally the dizziness would overtake him. She ran to the far right corner of the cream colored room. "Quickly, I need to make sure Potter stays alive!"

Lily rushed to Severus and gripped his arm tightly. "Sev, tell me what's wrong with him! Tell me he's going to be okay. I trusted you…" She started crying harder. Her face was reddened, and her body was sweating profusely. "James." She took his hand in her own. The sheer energy erupting through him made Lily's arm shake. She felt terrible watching him like this. She wished she could help him, but she didn't know what to do. All the years she had spent reading about these things had gone to waste.

Madam Pomfrey set half a dozen potions on a table next to Severus. "This is what I have been giving him. They are the same ones you had instructed me to give him. I did just as you instructed. I gave him the potions every four hours through the IV's. His body was taking them perfectly well up until fifteen minutes ago. That's when everything started to spiral out of control. I checked all of the potions, but they seemed fine to me. I haven't given him a dangerous amount of any of them. I don't know what could have gone wrong."

"Very well, thank you." He quickly opened each vile. They were all labeled as the potions he had prescribed. He smelled each one carefully, checking to see if anyone of them had been tainted. The first time through the all had seemed to smell fine. He examined the consistency of each one. There was still nothing different. "Lily, will you hand me the piece of parchment over there?" She did as she was told, hoping that this would solve everything. He placed the parchment onto the table. Those particular potions wouldn't burn through paper. If one did it was tampered with. He had gone through the first six and nothing had happened. There was one left. He carefully spilled it onto the parchment. It began to burn a hole through it. "It's been laced with something. I'm not sure what it is. It hasn't altered the consistency and the smell. Potter needs a bezoar. I'm sure you wanted to take your precautions Madame Pomfrey. It was good that you had gotten a student to get me. I need a bezoar. I also need three people to hold him down. I don't want him choking on it."

He was handed the bezoar. Regulus came at his request to hold Potter down. He held Potter's abdomen down, while Lily held his shoulders down and Pomfrey held the legs. Severus shoved it down his throat quickly. "Now all that is left is the wait."

Several minutes passed at an agonizing pace for Lily. Severus seemed to be relaxed as Lily tapped her fingers against a wooden table nervously. They way Severus seemed composed had aggravated Lily. Lily was worried beyond belief. She began to pace around the room. "Nothing's happening yet Severus! What's going to happen if the bezoar doesn't work?"

"The bezoar will work. Do not doubt me. We need to wait. Be patient. I implore you to sit down. You will hyperventilate soon, if you don't calm down." He took Lily's hand and walked her over to the bed next to Potter. "Take deep, slow breathes. Everything is going to be fine." She looked up at him with doe eyes. She looked so innocent. She looked vulnerable. On the inside she tried to stay strong, but seeing James so weak and so helpless made her just the same. She wanted James to hold her in his strong arms, gently rocking her back and forth, while whispering things in her ear only he could. "Just relax…" Severus' voice was slightly soothing. She closed her eyes for a moment. All she could see was crimson when she closed them. It was like blood pouring inside of her eyelids endlessly. It only made her worry even more.

She heard a grunt that only James could make. Her eyes flew open. He was sitting up in his bed. His hair was a ruffled mess, his eyes were still bloodshot, his skin was wet and pale, but to her he still looked amazing. She jumped out of bed and threw her arms over him. "James, you're okay. Don't scare me like that ever again."

"The bloody snake tried to kill me! The rotter, I'm going to ring his neck."

"No James, he saved you. He made sure you stayed alive. Severus isn't as bad as you think. He's good."

"You're friends with the sodding Death Eater now!"

"He is no such thing. He's changed. You've seen what he's done. Give him a chance. If he steps one toe out of line I'll drop him. He promised me he wouldn't."

He pushed away Lily's hair with his right hand. The fact that Potter touched Lily like that made him cringe. "I'll do it for you Lils." He smiled his flashy smile, showing his pearly white straight teeth. "I sacrifice so much for you," he muttered under his breath.

Severus watched them both painstakingly. They were so close to each other that is was unbearable. He watched as Lily leaned into Potter so willingly and fiercely snogged him. Madam Pomfrey did nothing. He has seen them kiss, but he had never seen them snog. He felt his knees grow weak. His heart began to beat painfully. He bit down on his lower lip until it bled. It was too much for him. He turned around and walked away from the room, breathing heavily. Regulus hadn't said a word the entire time he was in the room. He followed Severus into the halls. Lily and James were lost in their own world. It was easy to be oblivious to the world around you, when you had something others didn't—love.

Severus pushed his back up against the wall. He pushed harder, until he could feel his spine being crushed by the stone. He dug his fingernails into his hands making shallow semicircular wounds in his palms. He knew Regulus was watching him suffer. "Reg, if you plan on making some genius comment, there is no better time to make one than when a man is at his weakest. Go ahead; tell me how I feel because the cold hearted bat knows no feelings." He was morbidly sarcastic. "What are you waiting for? You must have at least one comment on how Death Eaters would not stoop so low. They would never grovel on the floor, and long for love. Death Eaters need no trivial things such as that. Go on, tell me. I want to hear those words escape your mouth ever so proudly. I can just imagine the words you will say, 'Snape, you need to grow a spine. You have reduced yourself to nothing, but a garbage bag of emotion.' I suppose that will be the beginning of you wondrous words." Severus knew that he had let himself grow soft, and he despised himself for ever reducing himself to it. No longer would he do it—if it was only as easy as telling yourself.

"This is why you lost her the first time. Your tongue is so sharp it cuts through flesh quicker and more painfully than daggers. What I wanted to tell you was that you shouldn't waste your life waiting for her. If she loves another man then let her run down that path blindly. Let her make that mistake. She'll never know what it's like to be with you, and it will be her loss."

"I can't. I just…can't." His throat was tight, closing in on itself with every passing second. He began to slide down the wall slowly. His shirt had slid up, slightly revealing his thinly muscled bare, pale abdomen. He hit the floor with a loud thud. "It's impossible." I am a fool for thinking that I could just be friends with her. I've told myself this a thousand times, but I will not be able to tell myself this a thousand more. "You cannot understand."

Regulus sat next to Severus and patted his shoulder, causing him to flinch. Severus was used to not having physical contact with people. "I envy what you have. You don't know how much more you have than most people."

"I have nothing. Everyone can see that. I do not have a penny to my name. I do not have what you would call a simple carefree life. I have much less than most people, not that it even matters."

"People could see that by looking at you, yes. What people wouldn't do is dig through all the filth to get to your core. You have something most people would die for. You just can't see it clearly."

Severus looked up at the grey ceiling above them. A chandelier hung above him. What could he possibly mean by that? Anyone in the right mind would never think that. "Tell me then."

"You surely should have figured it out by now. You have something no Death Eater could have. It's something that makes you stronger than any Death Eater. You know deep down what you have."

It hit Severus. So this is the reason why the meddling man never gave up on me. "Love." He said it his voice full, strong, but broken in a way only his voice could be.

"Yes, Severus, you can love. What's interesting is despite the fact that you've formed the worst kind of personality, you have a larger capacity to love than most people. You shouldn't undervalue it."

Dumbledore influences too many people. I wonder if that is a side effect of increased exposure to a wise, meddling aged man. In truth the words hadn't helped him much, but they made him realize something that he had taken too long to. "

You have time to quit you know. It is not too late. You aren't like them Regulus."

He shook his head while he faced the floor. "This is about you, and not me. I have to make my own choices. It matters a lot to me that you care. I just want you to understand."

I would tell him the truth if I could. I would show him everything. He shouldn't be among Death Eaters. He is too good for that. "I understand." He could understand because he had gone through the very same thing, tricking himself into believing that it was the right thing to do. He planned on talking to him later. Regulus was one to fall into pressure. Severus knew that all too well. He only had to use the right kind of pressure, to get him into the right place. He looked at Regulus for a moment. "You are just like Dumbledore."

"No, no I'm not. You are completely wrong."

On the contrary, you are the one who's completely wrong. You will see it one day. Hopefully.

"We better get going. They're going to start wondering where we went. Besides, I want to see if Potter went back to spasming uncontrollably. They have probably been separated by now. If she knew of how you feel then she wouldn't have done that in front of you." They walked into the infirmary. Lily and Potter were no longer snogging. They were on separate sides of the room.

"Sev, Reg, you're back! I thought you two left."

"I had some important business to attend to. You two were a bit…preoccupied. I didn't want to disturb you." Lily blushed. How can I do this? He would repeatedly hit his head against a wall later to get the memory out of his head.

"Mr. Snape, I would like you to check Potter's hand. I want nothing to do with it anymore. You seem like you have complete control of the situation." Madame Pomfrey had interrupted them. He sat down on the chair next to him. "You two should leave. Visiting hours are over." She was clearly mad at what James and Lily had done. Lily left reluctantly. She wasn't sure how those two would act around each other alone.

"You two behave," she said just as the door began to close.

After Lily left Snape began to examine Potter. Hate boiled inside of him. Potter's arm was no longer badly bruised, but there was a scar left from where the wand had pierced through. "Transpicio." He looked at the bones carefully. "Your fractures are healed. Some of the bones are still broken. Madame Pomfrey, how is he dealing with the concussion?"

"It passed this morning. I think he is ready to go back to class, if that is okay with you."

"Potter you would prefer to stay here, wouldn't you? No matter, you need an education; even if your brain can barely hold onto a single thing you are taught." He had thousands of insults stored inside of his mind.

"Honestly, I don't care where I go, as long as my arm is healed." He was aloof. He promised Lily he would behave around Snivellus.

"Very well. You're going back to class on Monday. I'm sure your teachers will be very understanding. As for your hand, with the proper therapy it will be usable. However…I think you should retire from quidditch this season. The Quidditch Cup is not nearly as important as your hand."

"You aren't too bad Sniv—Snape. Not too bad at all."

The doors slammed open. "Oi Prongs, tell me this is a nightmare! Ol' Snivellus doesn't deserve that. He'll be back in his cave after this, conjuring up some hex to use against us."

"Mr. Black, visiting hours are over." Madame Pomfrey pushed his out of the room quickly. Poppy should be around me every time Black is to show up. She is the only one in this whole building who sees the Marauders for what they are.

"Black is right. You shouldn't act like this, when Lily is not around. She could never find out. You don't have to treat me any differently when she isn't around. After all, these past few years you only hexed me when she was out of sight. Very Slytherin of you Mr. Potter, very Slytherin indeed."

"You snake—"Severus smirked. He was content that he had finally gotten Potter to break.

"Acting up? How interesting—just moments ago you were praising,-which horrendous nickname should I use? Oh yes, how about the "greasy git"? I believe I will be taking my leave now." Before Potter could think of an insult to fire of at him, he left, no longer able to deal with him anymore. "You may perform Episkey on him tomorrow evening. After that you may discharge him. He must show up once a day for three days afterward for the bone repair serum. I'm sure you already know that."

He rushed out of the doors, aggravated by the whole experience. Reg had seen him express his emotions, Lily had snogged James right in front of him and he had to take care of Potter yet again, because some moron had most likely gave Madam Pomfrey that tainted potion. All he wanted was to retire to the library for the day. He yearned for a moment where he didn't have to care for anything. If there was numbness in his heart, a sudden shut down of thought in his mind, a momentous drainage of the memories he had longed to forget, he would finally be able to move on with his life.

He sat down at a lone table in the corner of the library among a vast collection of novels. He read a book on various rare potions ingredients, searching for no particular thing. After everything he had learned he wanted to further expand his knowledge. In him last life time he hadn't had enough time to fully use his remarkable talents. He always ran around from the light to the dark, doing their various bidding, trying to please both masters. This time he was sure he would attempt having a different course of life. He had already altered the future. There was no telling where it would lead. Inopportunely, he was not a seer.

He had already succeeded in preoccupying himself with tasks that he had to complete. It was in his nature to do so. He was like a robot, wired to fix his and other's mistakes. He had to help the Potters, no matter how much he wanted to lash out at them instead. He must love Lily, because if he didn't he would be an empty carcass of a human being, breathing, bleeding and placidly living until death would strike him, taking him, long after he should have been whisked away. When one was named Severus Snape life could never be easy. Life could be never lived normally. Life could only be lived like you are half dead, waiting to feel alive one more. He had moments with bursts full of pure, heated life. They would fade away quickly once he found disappointment in it.

Unlike himself, he shut his eyes while reading the dry encyclopedia. His ears twitched as he heard the sound of Lily's voice and footsteps brush passed him. His eyes snapped open and he swore that from a distance he saw her silhouette dancing to the beat of the large grandfather clock. She had done something to him, that hadn't been done to many others. He was unhealthily captivated by her, to a point where it would be considered a dangerous obsession. Two decades without her had damaged him. Twenty three days with her had driven him mad. What would more time with her do to him? It would surely turn out blissfully and beautifully disastrous.

One day I will be able to tell her everything. That day I will know whether she returns those feelings or not. That day, she will know all my secrets, and my vices that go along with them. It will be the day when I loose grip of the words I will say, and parapraxis will let me say every word I intended on keeping from her. I will poignantly regret it, like I everything else. Why had I come back here?

Dumbledore—it is always because of Dumbledore. He knew how to abuse my love for Lily. I foolishly accepted his offer. I will always be his marionette. So why attempt to change anything, when I already know what the outcome will be? I must have been insane the moment I spoke to Dumbledore. One day, maybe I will find another love. That day will come long after I have fully lost control of my mind. One thought had constantly stayed in his mind subconsciously.

The Tale of a Man's Heart

Let him dive further into the darkness,
Until he becomes unsalvageable,
Let him drift further into the epitome of dark,
Until he knows no light,
Let his heart grow cold and his thoughts grow bitter,
So he can no longer know love,

Let his body waste away,
Until no human could possibly love him,

Let his eyes grow dull and his face expressionless,
So no one will see his soul,
There is no use for him here,
Take him now and leave him later,
Show him no mercy, so he shall not forget,
Nothing can ever fully change,
For love knows no mercy,
And for he cannot waver,

He will fall into the depths,
His body will give out,
His heart will die with it,
Life knows no pity,
Take his eyes,
Take his ears,
Take his mind,
But never steal his heart,

The fool had fallen,
He could never stand on his own,
He slaved for a woman,
Who he had lost long ago,
At death he remembered her eyes,
Captivated by them he finally let go,
Even upon death he could never stray,
He had died for the woman he never owned.

A/N: I was experimenting a bit with free style. I do hope you like it. I do not write poetry very often. I hope to update soon. You may PM me with any questions.

-E.S. Grey