XIII
Like every other year for the past eighteen years the day had come. It was the day he regretted his very existence, his betrayal of the woman he loved, that he had coincidentally chosen to be at the wrong place during the wrong time and the fact that he hadn't fought hard enough for the woman who had consumed his heart the moment he had laid his eyes on her. There was no avoiding that day. On that day he was on his knees, wishing that he were the one dead instead. That day had carved itself into his mind permanently. He could remember that day as if it was happening to him that very moment.
He walked through broken glass. The house was disheveled on the inside, but it was a definite improvement from the appearance it had on the outside. It was obvious that Voldemort had come through the house only moments ago. His dark aura filled the house unpleasantly, causing him to feel as if hundreds of needles were poking through his skin. The house was filled with the stench of death and blood. He feared for what had happened to Lily. A promise from the Dark Lord meant nothing. The promise from Dumbledore had been broken. He had a minuscule amount of hope left.
He began to walk up the stairs of the Potter home. He saw a pair of feet dangling from the staircase. He closed his eyes for a moment before going any further up the staircase. Soon he could see James Potter's face expressionless. His body was stiff and cold. His hazel eyes were soulless and open. Severus bent over and closed his eyes. He hated the man, but he never wanted him to die.
He continued walking further into the house. A cold breeze was in the hallway. Slowly and apprehensively he walked through a thick pile of broken glass. His heart beat hard on the inside of his chest, so hard that he was sure it would burst through the bone at any given moment. Goosebumps began to cover his skin. At the end of the hallway there was a door open. He couldn't look into it, yet. He stopped, holding onto the wall. 'I can't do this. Just let her be alive. Even if she is on the verge of death, I will be able to save her. Let her live long enough for me to save her.'
He walked into the room. His heart stopped beating. The warm, hard beating was replaced by a cold, sharp pain. He clutched his chest as his knees began to give out. He collapsed and caught himself on the dresser next to him. He looked away, tears filling his eyes until the finally overflowed and streamed down his cheeks in an icy flow of memories. He couldn't look at her lifeless body lying meters away from him. The image overtook his memories of her laughing and smiling. That night his heart had died right along with Lily. It had shattered into microscopic pieces and left his body in one swift moment.
Out of the corner of his eye he saw a baby boy in a crib whimpering softly. The boy had resembled James Potter greatly, even in his toddler form. The boy's eyes were closed. He couldn't take the scene anymore. He got up and left the room, leaving the woman he loved dead on the floor. Before exiting the room he turned back once more to see if it was all indeed real. Tears never ceased to stream down his face. He looked at the floor, only to see that her wand was lying before his feet. He picked it up and put it in his pocket next to his own wand. It was one of the few things he had left of her.
'I could have done something.' It was true, he could have, but he didn't. He could have waltzed in on the scene moments before Voldemort had killed Lily and turned on him, valiantly saving both Lily and his child at the expense of his life. No matter how much you want something to have happened differently you can't change it, no matter what you would give for it.
He walked out of the house to see an old, blue eyed, bearded man standing outside of the house alone. "Severus, tell me what has happened." The man could see his pale face had turned a light shade of red, his eyes had turned bloodshot and he had lost that glimmer of eternal love he used to hold.
"She is dead." He told him no more.
"What of the other two? Surely, you know that."
He shook his head, unwilling to respond. "I loved her. I still do." It was the only time he had ever told someone those exact words. He left Dumbledore behind and apparated. He apparated next to a large willow tree that lied near an extensively polluted lake. He sat down near the water. He turned to his side and saw a young Lily, about seven years old, sitting beside him laughing and smiling joyously. He closed his eyes while his lip began to waver. He took out his black wand. "Expecto Patronum," he whispered the words brokenly. A silver doe left the tip of his wand and danced on the lake gracefully. "I love you Lily. I never had a chance to tell you…" The doe disappeared as his thoughts became increasingly mournful.
Later he had returned to Dumbledore. After that day he was his slave. His soul purpose was to protect Lily Potter's son. He had made many wrong choices in his life, but his choice to follow the dark path and not the light was the worst of all. He should have listened to Lily in fifth year when she told him to stop hanging around the wrong people. There were a lot of things he should have done differently, but his choice of becoming a Death Eater was the worst of them all, because it resulted in killing the single person he had loved.
He had stayed in his bed even though it was long passed lunch. He had no intention of getting out of it. When he was a teacher at Hogwarts he had always been obligated to join the students for the Halloween feast, and thus he could not mourn and wallow in his self-hatred. For the first time in seventeen years he could stay in bed and starve himself if he chose to. No one in Slytherin had bothered him, yet. He was a lost cause. When he wanted to sulk you left him be, or you would suffer the consequences.
His room was the perfect place to mourn. The headboards of the beds were black. The blankets of the beds were dark green swirled with silver. The light in the room was dim, and had a greenish hue. Its only flaw was that people could pass through it. It wasn't an isolated place of mourning, but rather just a dark room, which people had shared there many conversations in.
He had gotten accustomed to crying for a time. He hadn't stopped letting his emotions take over until a year after the incident. There were few feelings that Severus had ever experienced. Among them were hatred, resent, contempt, spite, carelessness, numbness, pain, self-loathing, pity, intolerance, but above it all was love. Love in itself was an emotion that could break a man, but also save him. Love was pleasure and pain. For every amount of love felt you would suffer more than enjoy the bliss of it. But the emotion that was so painful to feel was worth feeling, because without it the world would be a dry husk of plain hatred.
Severus had finally gotten out of bed at 7:04. His fellow Slytherins had tried to drag him out of the room to the feast at last minute, but he made his way back cunningly before any of them had noticed. He wandered the castle alone, trying to find a place where he could fully seclude himself. It was normal for him to act this way when he felt like nothing more than garbage lying beneath piles of filth and forgotten items.
Every October thirty-first he had always felt the same. He had Lily back, but that didn't change a thing that he had done in the future. Wizards had the predisposition to preserve memory, but he was one of the few who would rather throw them away, if he could allow himself to, that is. But forgetting something never fixed anything.
He stood on a terrace in an unknown part of Hogwarts. The terrace was made out of old stone. It looked as if it would collapse at any given moment. The sky was a deep indigo clouded with fuchsias and oranges at the horizon. Stars plentifully dotted the sky and the moon was entangled with dark clouds. Bellow him Hogwarts students were talking and trading whatever candy they had found. The branches of a large bare tree were up against his skin, lightly scratching him.
Like that day eighteen years ago he had taken out his wand. He held it in his hand, not sure what he would do with it. Finally he gave into his urges, "Expecto Patronum." A silver doe burst into the air. It waltzed in the sky, pitifully dancing in a dreary three-four time. It continued on dancing to the nonexistent music. The doe slowly danced around him. It gazed expectantly at him. The creature was so vulnerable, but yet strong. It was much like a part of Severus that he had rarely shown. "What do you want from me?" He asked, knowing there would be no response.
"You love her," a voice much like his own replied. His eyes widened at the reply. The Patronus spell could be used for communication, but he hadn't sealed it with a message. It was a representation of what you cared for most deeply and more so who you truly are on the inside. It repeated the three words again agonizingly. How could something created out of love and kindness taunt him so? "You lost her." The doe was only stating the things he had admitted to himself long ago. It continued on in the night sky, mocking him. He was sure that he was hallucinating.
Its light faded slowly until there were only a few shimmers left. They died out when he heard a sweet voice behind him, full of concern. "Sev, I haven't seen you all day. I was worried. You—you weren't at any of the meals. You shouldn't starve yourself."
He faced her. It was evident that he had mourned the entire day. "It does not matter."
"Tell me what's wrong? Are you sick? You never get sick. I just want you to be okay."
You always care. You always will, but for all the wrong reasons, and in every wrong way. "I just did not feel well this morning." I still don't. You see, I never will be able to. There are too many poultices which haunt me. "I will be fine later." Yes, lie both to her and yourself. That's ingenious! I'm such a twit.
"Come on Sev, tell me what's wrong. We used to tell each other everything."
Yes, used to, before I called you that word, before I joined the Death Eaters and before I killed you unknowingly. "It's nothing." He waved his hand at her as he turned away. She placed her hand on his left shoulder.
"You shouldn't keep turning people away. It isn't right." She had entered dangerous waters. She knew it was not a position she should place herself in, but the wellbeing of her friend concerned her. "I worry about you so much. There are people in this world that care about you Sev." She felt hurt that he didn't trust her enough to tell her what was wrong. "Sev," her voice was soft, caring, but pained.
"No." He pushed her hand away. "I need to be left alone. Leave. Please. I beg of you."
"Stop pushing me away. I know when something is hurting you." She hugged him. She was dangerously close. She so badly wanted to comfort him that it hurt her watching him suffer. "Tell me."
He could smell her. She smelled of vanilla and oranges. Slowly he put his arms around her too. His heart pounded against her, whilst hers beat softly. Her scent intoxicated him as if she were ambrosia. Kiss her! It screamed at him. He yielded to lust slowly, beginning to lose control of his scenes. Her touch had scent bolts of electricity throughout his body. He shivered slightly.
"What's wrong Sev? You can tell me anything."
Everything, but the fact that I came here because I earned a second chance at life. Everything, but the fact that I have been in love with you for over two decades. Must I list any more things I cannot tell you, or are you truly imprudent? I'm talking to myself, while insulting the woman I love. I have been driven mad."It is nothing." Silently three tears escaped from his eyes and soaked into Lily's dark robes. You're alive now. It is all that matters. "You don't need to worry about me." He whispered it into her ear, causing a shiver to run down her spine. She felt his cold breath against her skin, and suddenly she felt completely different. His lips barely grazed the skin of her nape before she broke away from him.
"Are you sure?" What was that feeling? Something had stirred inside of Lily. She couldn't begin to fathom what she had just felt. It began to worry her.
The trance was lifted. "Yes, I'm sure." For a few minutes all he could do was secretly look at Lily as she stood next to him. They were both too bewildered to say much of anything. "I'm sorry." He couldn't think of anything else to say.
"About what?" She was clearly flustered.
"Nothing, I just felt as if I should apologize."
"I brought you some food."
"I'm not—"
"No, you are not going to give me that! I won't let you starve yourself for some stupid reason that I will never know! Now eight you eat this food, or I will stuff you till you explode!" She was like a concerned mother.
"There is no point in arguing." She smiled widely, content that he had given in to her. "What did you bring?" He was unconcerned with the topic, since he had lost his appetite. But it would have done no good not to ask.
She sat down on the floor, motioning for him to sit down too. She opened up a black napkin and set it on the floor. There was some bread, a sealed bowl and a cookie in it. "I know you don't like sweets, but I thought that in the spirit of Halloween you might give it a try."
"There is no way I would…consume that."
"Fine, but you have to eat the soup and the bread. Or, well, you know what I will do."
He ate the soup while Lily watched him expectantly. He was a bit uncomfortable. "Will you quit staring at me? You are insufferable." He felt guilty that he had insulted Lily, but he couldn't help himself. On the contrary, Lily wasn't offended at all. The more he insulted things the more content he was. He wiped his mouth with the napkin after he finished his meal. "Thank you," he muttered.
"Hmm…what is that? I believe I couldn't hear you. Do you mind saying it again?" She was mocking him for her own pleasure.
"I said 'thank you'. Now, I believe it would be best if you go along your merry way."
"I seemed to have missed part of that Sev. What was the first thing you said again?"
"Lily I swear if I have to say those two words once more—"
"I know you will hex me, blah, blah, insult me, blah, blah and hex me again. Am I getting this right?"
He was annoyed by her. Something had changed about her. He had completely lost track of her after fifth year. Could hanging around Potter have caused her to change? She wouldn't mock him like this. It was odd to Severus. He didn't know her as well as he had wished to. She was mostly the same, but there were those slight differences in her that upset him.
"I am not in the mood to joke. Now please, make use of your legs and leave the premises." His voice was hard, edgy and raspy.
"Are you upset because of me Sev? What did I do wrong? Just tell me already."
"No, it's not because of you." It's because I had been the reason you were murdered by Voldemort eighteen years ago, or rather four years from now. You will never be able to understand. If I ever tell you, you will hate me. If I never tell you then you will hate me just the same. I may have a plan, but truly I have no idea what I will do. I'm lost. "I'm sorry Lily." He turned away Once again tears fled his eyes, but he had not made a sound. "Just go."
She placed a bag of lemon drops at his feet. "Happy Halloween. I hope you feel better later. I just want you to know that you can tell me anything. I will always listen." She smiled sadly at him. She had never known her friend to be emotional. It troubled her that he was.
As she left he grabbed her hand. "I got you this while we were in Hogsmeade." He gave her the chocolate frog. She nodded before she left. Happy Halloween indeed. Every year I found her dead, and now she's alive. Now that she is alive I don't know what to do. I never knew what to do, with, or without her. When had I turned into an emotional, sniveling Hufflepuff?
As she left he pictured her as a ghost, haunting him, torturing him, until he could no longer take it. He had killed her, nothing would change that. He remembered the day after he found Lily Potter's dead body lying on the floor. He had talked to Dumbledore. It was that day that he had sealed his fate, ad he had never went against it. Now, he could choose a different path. He could do everything differently. But despite it all, to him, Lily Potter would always be dead. "I wish I were dead." Just like the various other times, he told himself to be stronger, and to stop sniveling.
She waited at the corner. The words he uttered terrified her. But she didn't know what he had actually meant. He had whispered those words in remembrance. In truth he was grateful to be alive. She was afraid she would lose him again. If not to the Dark, then she would lose him to his lack of will and spirit for life. She wanted to hug him again. Partly so she could comfort him, and partly because she wanted to see if she could feel that bolt of electricity shoot through her body once more. She was sure she felt something like that, if she wasn't hallucinating.
As he stood on the terrace he felt a wave of closure flow through him. He knew this time Lily wouldn't die. He had the power to change that. He had the fate of the world lying in his hands, and he didn't quite fully fathom it, yet. He had wasted the day mourning, but soon he wouldn't have the time anymore.
The day had ended in a beautiful breeze. The midnight hour struck. Severus sat in his bed, well aware that the rest of the Slytherins were watching him in awe. Lily had stared at the yellow wall as she lied in her bed. The feeling he sent through her confused her. She was completely baffled by the hug. It was just a hug. So why worry? She had captivated Severus for decades, and now he had started to captivate her slowly, slyly and unknowingly.
A/N: Please review, it would be greatly appreciated. Also, feel free to PM me with any questions, as I will not be answering them in any Author's Notes.
This was not the strongest chapter. I promise Severus will not cry in every chapter… I am mad at myself for making him emotional. But I had to on this day. One day I promise that he will be the same seemingly emotionless human he was. Or at least, he won't cry anymore. You all know what I mean.
-E.S. Grey