XV

He couldn't help, but stare at Lily as she swayed her hips from side to side while she waited for Potter. She was beautiful, though he would never dare to admit it. He smiled a barely noticeable smile. What he wanted most was taboo, but unlike most people, what he needed most was just the same.

She started humming a sad melody, reflecting her every doubt. She turned around, seeing him standing there quietly, as if he weren't human. He pitifully turned away as he saw her smile. She walked over to him, hoping the he would keep her occupied as she waited for James. "Hi Sev. How long have you been standing there?"

Over half an hour, but you wouldn't know, now would you? "Not too long. Who have you been waiting for?" He wasn't interested in her reply. He was only glad that now she was talking to him, after decades of silence.

"James…but he hasn't showed up. He's probably with the Marauders. He's always late, so it doesn't matter. It's just a waiting game for now." She knew she sounded pitiful; waiting for a guy that would never show up was indeed pitiful.

"I best leave then. Have a good time with…Potter." He began to walk away from her. She quickly grabbed his hand, but he quickly pulled it away. He foolishly wanted something he would never have. There was no use tempting him to change it, because simply, he couldn't keep himself behaved if he was.

"Don't." He turned toward her and stared into her pleading eyes. "Stay. Please. I don't want to wait here…alone." She hoped he would stay. Knowing him, she knew that couldn't expect much with him. Not because he was spontaneous, but because he was unreadable.

He nodded once. She motioned to a bench. She sat closely to him; too close for his own sake. She heavily sighed in the midst of the silence between them. "Why do you wait for him?"

"You know the reason why Sev. You never need anything explained." Maybe, it's because I don't know. I really don't know. The realization confused her, but it hurt her even more so.

On the contrary, everything involving you and Potter needs to be explained. I will never know the reason why you love the irresponsible, immature hooligan. Then again, you don't know anything he does behind your back. He must make it easy for you to love him so, doesn't he? "I guess you're right."

She quickly made sure that the silence would be eradicated completely. The air was filled with their chatter, and her singsong laughter. She was having a great time talking to Severus, though he never did much talking. It was his small comments she enjoyed. They were not very humorous, but there was a slight pun in a select few. He was satisfied with himself, because he had made her wait happier. More so, he was content, because he was the one making her feel joyed. "He's really thankful for what you did for him. He would never say it though. I think he's a bit embarrassed by it."

Think? Choose your words wisely. That Potter brat would never be thankful for what I did for him. I should have operated on his brain when I had the chance to. Maybe then he would be capable of thanking. He further indulged on the cynical thoughts within his twisted maze of a mind and snorted."It wasn't a problem."

"Sev, thank you." He lifted his eyebrow in curiosity. "I'm glad that we spent this time together. I don't see you much anymore. Head girl duties are keeping me busy, and you seem busy yourself." She had only seen his cloak billowing behind him most times, but never his face. She had almost forgotten what his small smile looked like.

"I'm sorry about that. I have been occupied by certain occurrences, which couldn't be avoided." He hoped his way with words would convince her enough to not pry.

"I wish you would just tell me what you are doing sometimes. I wish you weren't so…mysterious all of the time." A part hidden deep within her yearned for that mystery, but she could not let it rise to the surface.

"Sorry," he mumbled softly, turning away from her.

The wind began to blow against their skin. She looked at Severus unconsciously. A chill ran down her spine, winding its way back to the tip of her neck. "Severus." She moved even closer to him, instinctively, and reached over to him, attempting to turn his head toward her. But instead he reacted quickly and turned his head. Her hand was on his black velvety hair. "Hi." She smiled at him.

"Hi." He smiled slightly back at her. The closeness between them tempted him. She didn't move away from him. She too enjoyed the closeness between them. It was unbearable. Like fire, the feelings he had hoarded within him burned brightly and passionately. His normally cold body began to burn up, creating heat between them. The feelings she had felt between them only confused her more, but she couldn't let them escape, for they felt too great. She felt his warm chest, his heart pounding quickly right against her own. They stayed like that, tangled together in an awkward mass of human body parts, intertwined by misunderstood feelings. Somehow his hands found their way to her hips, slowly, gracefully, tempting her to no end. She flinched and then relaxed quickly into him as cold blots of electricity raced through her. She gently stroked his hair. "Do you love him?" It was the questions Severus had wanted to ask her, though he had always known the answer. She did not reply. Too captivated by the moment, they edged closer to each other, their lips millimeters apart.

"Snivellus!" Potter's annoying voice shrilled. "Get your greasy hands off of her and slither into that snake hole of yours!" Reality came crashing down upon them. He quickly stood up from the bench and looked at Lily, his eyes apologetic, but his mind cursing him for not kissing her. "And you—Lily, how could you—with the greasy snake?"

"James we didn't—" She was sobbing, trying to hold back anymore tears. Severus had never seen Lily regret something so much in her life. Lily truly felt like she shouldn't have asked Severus to wait with her. She knew they were a mistake; they always would be, no matter what. Thinking about it that way made her feel sick.

"There is no need to worry, Potter. I didn't steal some form of her virtue. It was simply a stupid mistake. Go take her now. Nothing would have happened, if you had showed up on time in the first place. Oh, but you aren't affiliated with the term 'being on time'. I am sorry for this mishap. I promise you…this will not happen again." He stormed off quickly, leaving the two to talk and eventually make up quickly with a heated kiss. Or so he expected them to.

He walked past Hagrid's hut. The half giant appeared. He looked at Severus, his face full of pity. Severus waved to him, and he mistook the wave, walking over to Severus quickly. "I saw what 'appened there. I'm sorry. I know yeh like Lils." He patted him on the shoulder, nearly knocking him over by accident. "Things will go yehr way one day."

"Is it really that obvious?" I'm a bloody Hufflepuff now—great. When did I start showing affection?

"Don't yeh worry, she doesn't know. She probably won't know, unless yeh tell her."

"She likes another man anyway. It doesn't matter. Unrequited love is truly terrible isn't it Hagrid? All emotions are terrible. They are meant for fools."

He frowned. "Do yeh want ta come in fer some tea? Maybe it'll relax yeh, or take yehr mind off things." He followed him into the house, walking through the long yellow uncut grass. Hagrid sat on his stool as Severus stood in his preferred position—arms crossed, spine straight and a scowl on his face, creating a darker ambiance in the room. "Yeh should really sit down."

"I can drink tea standing, thank you." That day the hut was filled with an unusual musky odor. As the tea brewed the herbal sent had begun to mix with the muskiness of the air, creating a pleasant sent. He finally gave in and sat on an old wooden crate, slightly slouching, his hair draping over his face as he stared into the muddy green colored tea. "Have you ever had feelings toward another person Hagrid?"

He was shocked at the question. "Ah, yes, once." He answered truthfully, hoping that it would satisfy Severus.

"Where is she now?"

"Too far away." He knew it meant that he didn't know where she had left. "It isn't that bad now."

And, yet I've loved the same person my entire life, and it is still terrible—even more than terrible actually. What makes even more so is that she had been dead for the majority of it. They say love is a good thing. Whatever idiot said that must have been delusional beyond human possibility. "How did you cope with it?" This was something he had wanted to know, because he had never found a great enough way to forget his heart long enough to live.

"I didn't. It just goes away one day, and yeh move on." He starred at the wall, thinking of why Severus had brought up questions like this. It wasn't like him. "Dumbledore told me about yeh." His brows shot up in shock. He had only wanted Dumbledore to know. "I won't tell anyone Sev'rus."

"Are you scarred of what I will do if you happen to let it…slip?"

He nodded. "Yeah, but I don't want yeh in the wrong hands this time."

"You're a good man Hagrid." His upper lip curled. He was happy that he had someone he could trust, and someone that could understand why he did all of this. Most of all, he was happy that he didn't have to hide it from the half giant.

"Yeh are too." Severus set down the old cream colored tea cup and walked toward the door. "Things will work out one day. Don't yeh worry about that." He closed the door as the last words faded behind him.

"Check mate," he said, proud of his third win. The shattered pieces of the white king scattered against the chess board. He looked up to see the woman's face twisted in awe. He smirked devilishly as she crossed her arms and huffed.

"I will never understand how you do that Sev!" She never had one a single game against him. "When are you going to teach me your little tricks?"

"Lily, if I did that then I wouldn't win? Where's the fun in that?"

"It doesn't matter now. I'll get you to teach me them some day. We have to go to Potions. If we're late maybe we'll finally get in trouble with Slughorn."

They left the board and its broken pieces on the large, brown table in the great hall. "Maybe we should learn to play a different game, since I keep beating you. It's getting quite tiresome."

"Bored of me already?" She asked with fake woe in her voice. When he didn't reply it had actually begun to upset her, though it normally wouldn't have. "Sev, you aren't getting bored of me, are you?"

"No Lily. I thought you knew I was only joking…"

She sighed in relief. Good, he isn't tired of me, yet. Why is this worrying me? Her thoughts were interrupted as Professor Slughorn's joyful voice greeted them.

"Severus, Lily, I'm glad you made it on time." They sat at their seats quickly. When they were ready Slughorn had begun talking about his lesson plan. "Today you shall be brewing this potion with your partner!" He pointed to a large phial, containing a simmering pink liquid. "Can anyone tell me what this potion is, just by its appearance?" Severus knew the potion well. It was one he had wanted to use thousands of times, but he never let himself, due to his morals. He raised his hand. "Ah, Severus, as usual, you are the only one who can answer." Dumbledore had obliviated Slughorn of the incident. It was better that way, for the both of them.

"It's Amortentia sir."

"Quite right, twenty points to Slytherin!" Afterwards, he began to further elaborate on his plan for the day, which was quite simplistic to both Severus and Lily. "You may now grab your ingredients!" He had finally finished droning.

They sat down with their ingredients in front them. "As you all know Amortentia is considered a love potion. But it only causes deadly obsession. I will collect these from you, grade them and then throw them out. I don't want you running around obsessed with each other." He chuckled and a few guilty snickers joined in. "This is a very dangerous potion. I suggest you all be very careful with it. You may now begin."

Lily and Severus began to chop, slice, dice and handle the potion's ingredients with great care. Severus placed the rose thorns into the cauldron carefully as Lily monitored the temperature. Soon after, Lily added the ashwinder eggs while Severus stirred seven times counter clockwise and then once clockwise. Severus lowered the temperature while adding honey and peppermint to the mixture. Lily smiled as she watched him. She knew he was better at potions than she was, but she would never care to admit it. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

Lily began chopping the jonquil, but Severus quickly stopped her. "You are doing it inadequately. Furthermore, the book is incorrect."

"Ah yes, the great potions master finally finds yet another way to correct the book. Show me wise one, how do you correctly preform this oh so difficult task?" He was aggravated by her, but at the same time he found it pleasantly hilarious. If one of his students had talked to him like this they would have lost points and served a detention gutting stonefish, and harvesting their minute eggs.

At first, on an impulse he wanted to step behind her. But he wouldn't let his teenage hormones get in the way. He placed his hands on top of hers after grabbing a fresh bunch of the yellow and white jonquil flowers. He helped her chop them, in the process of showing her how to. She blushed unknowingly as he showed her. Their hearts began to beat as equally as hard and fast. Her face grew redder until they parted. "Yes, well I think you have gotten the hang of it." He was embarrassed by his sudden action.

Once their potion was finished they drew closer to it. The mother of pearl sheen ensured that it was brewed correctly. As they leaned in closer they wanted it more, the lust taking control of them. Their senses yearned for the deadly potion. Lily had stopped a second after Severus. She realized something horrific. She smelled it once more, unable to stop. It smelled of old parchment, the lake on Spinner's end, cinnamon, a slight hint of musk and a pleasant herbal mixture. Her heart pounded in her chest harder, the worry swallowing her whole, until finally something broke within her. It felt as if her entire body were smoldering as she stood next to her potions partner. Desire boiled within her as the fumes made her lose control. Drinking it would prove fatal, but smelling it caused you to realize something incomprehensible. She uttered his name in a tone so low that it remained unheard. She never wanted things to escalate this far. Things started out so innocently and unintentionally. How could they rise to this level so quickly? Why do I smell him?

He smelled old parchment, an old willow tree, vanilla, oranges and a slight hint of patchouli. It was a divine smell. He smiled and closed his eyes, thinking of Lily. He would always smell her in the potion. He hadn't smelled Amortentia for so long, fearing that he would no longer be able to smell her. It was a gratifying feeling. He didn't think about her death, or the day they had ended their friendship. He thought of the beggings they had shared, the new things they had experienced and of the way they were, before life became complicated. Smelling it and looking at her, he made a rash decision. He couldn't avoid it any longer. After class he would start something he had feared for. He would let himself sink.

Their senses came back, but they were not the same. She was confused, and he taken aback. How long could this last, before they would fall? In a matter of moments things could collapse with their lust and confusion, because self-control could never last. And finally when they would break, they would let euphoria take over until eternity would cease. But the question remained—could they ever let it happen, or will they simply forget what was between them?

His heavy footsteps filled the large, old room. The headmaster's ornate desk stood in front of him and behind it an old bearded man. His caring blue eyes studied Severus carefully. "Why have you come here, my boy? You have the tendency to appear here, out of the blue. Would you like some tea? I do have quite a bit of time on my hands today."

"No thank you Albus. But I do need the time." He sat down in front of him, his face showing the seriousness of his thoughts. "I am sure you have not forgotten about our recent conversation. This shall revolve around that."

He put his arms on the desk, one hand on the other. "This is a very serious situation. It is not the best to involve someone so…young."

"I am not young, if you have forgotten. I have experience. I know what I am foolishly getting myself into. I have fought, I will fight again. I have served, and I assure you, I can serve once more. This isn't a silly game of chess anymore. Your pawn is invaluable now. There is only power in the form of knowledge and those without it. You either use me to the fullest extent, or you watch this world crumble before you feat." His voice never wavered.

"I don't want to get you into something you want to stay far away from. I know why you are doing this. But ask yourself this—is it worth it? After all, you already have her."

"I shall not have her, until I see him dead—permanently. What is the point of my being here, returning to this time, if I just let the war pass by? It would end up the same. If I don't stop this, then who will? In time you would come to me, attempt to manipulate me and use the other members of your order as your puppets. I'm here now, letting you become a puppet master once more. I will not grovel on the floor and beg. This will be my final offer."

"Severus, my boy, do you know that once you agree, you cannot turn back? There are no second chances in this war. There is only life, death and those lucky enough to avoid this war completely." He put his hand on the man's shoulder, gripping it tightly. "We cannot lose such a great mind in this war."

"We also cannot lose countless lives to a sadistic maniac. I had stayed alive for decades last time. I will last that long, if not more. We have him in the palm of our hands, and he is not aware of it. Albus, we must take our positions now."

"Are you sure?" Severus nodded, but angered himself in doing so. As much as he detested it, he had to, because if he didn't then Lily would end up dying either because of her son, or because he was carless for the second time. He could not allow that to happen.

"Do not doubt me Albus. It will never get you anywhere. I am completely sure that I will do this. It is not a matter of what I want, or need. It is something far greater than that at this point."

"You do know what you need to do Severus. And when you do it, then I will know what your true intentions are. Until then, do not contact me. Show your hatred. Become the stereotype. The moment you seem to be engulfed by the dark you need to report to me. I will owl you when we must talk. If you are in trouble contact me with your Patronus. You know the rest I am sure."

"Yes, unfortunately, I am well aware of what lies ahead of me." It's harder to dive head first into something knowing what to expect, than diving head first into something without the slightest idea of what will happen. He was sure he would hurt Lily in the process of this. But one day when this would be over he would prove trustworthy.

He stood from the chair and starred Albus in the eyes. "No one must know. Promise me you will not tell anyone about this. I already know that you have told Hagrid."

"You have no need to worry about that Severus. I will never reveal the best of you, if that is truly what you wish."

"I am not a hero." I am an antihero. I am doing this for my own selfish reasons. I'll save lives, yes, but I won't be doing it for the sake of humanity.

"Yes, but you also are not a coward. The sorting hat can never tell you that." Severus began to leave. "Severus, do not forget yourself when you are in his presence. He is captivating. Sometimes it is too hard not to sway into things so tempting." The color drained from his face as the words were spoken. "Be safe Severus."

"I have no other choice." He left the room, his dark tinged aura following him. Fools throw themselves into battle, complete and utter morons stay away from the battles they know they can win. He had made the same mistake twice, coming to Dumbledore, asking for the same thing once more. But here, two wrongs made the greatest right of all.

A/N: Hello readers. I expect many hate comments. Go ahead, barrage me. I am prepared. But I ask you, to try and look past it. Think about the quality of the writing, before you tell me how much you hate it.

I am sorry. A thousand times I will apologize. Next week is my birthday. If I am in a good mood I will post two chapters on Sunday.

-E.S. Grey