XVI

Love—untainted, blissful love—how exactly had it gotten easily stereotyped as something so unreachable? Like fools, people chased after the dream, only yearning for the great feeling it was said to give. And yet, somewhere, it had abruptly turned into something incomprehensible, for it was no longer as pure as it was said to be. Lily no longer knew what it was, because she had seen how acerbic it had turned in her heart. Life was so simple when I was younger. When I had just met Severus everything was so magical, almost like a fairy tale. I thought it was going to be easier now, and it was for a time. Why did he come back into my life?

Lily looked at Severus, stealing a peek at him from the corner of her book. She found her lips had begun to curl into a smile, blushing at the realization she turned to her book once more. She chastised herself mentally, and then denied ever doing such an absurd thing in the first place. Every few minutes she would look over the corner of her book. She began to memorize every aspect of his face. His long, sleek black hair shined marvelously as the candle light flickered in the library. His face was angular, and his cheek bones high, but she liked the way his features worked together, creating an almost exotic look, in her opinion. His large, hooked nose didn't bother her. Whenever he would scrunch his nose she would think it was cute in a way only Severus could make it be.

Her favorite part of him was his eyes. The black epitome of his most confusing, and sublime emotions had always left her awe stricken. They were the only way that she could tell whether he was truly as cold as he led people to believe, or whether underneath the many feet of ice he had encased himself in, was a fire burning brightly with raw emotion. His eyes were singlehandedly the thing that had made her trust him the day she had met him. She still remembered them perfectly. That day they were distinctly filled with hope, compassion, worry, regret and one emotion she could never quite understand. And now, there was still the little boy she met long ago hidden in his eyes.

She could never let herself admit what she had begun to feel. The emotions stirring inside her were something that had begun to cause the world she grew accustomed to, to crumble. She didn't want a strange newness. She liked the way things were when they were so much easier. Why were things always so complicated with Severus? And yet, the complications hadn't driven her away from him. Their effect was the exact opposite. She denied letting herself begin to fall prey to the intimidating master and she deluded herself into believing things hadn't changed all too much. But there were always the moments when her walls would begin to cave in. Once more she turned away from him, confident that he hadn't noticed.

But he knew she was looking at him. Yet he was sure it was only his imagination toying with him.

Skillfully, he looked at her from the corner of his book, barely moving his head to see her. He loved her fiery red hair, which burned as brightly as her personality. He loved her cream colored skin, and every freckle that covered her face. But those emerald green eyes were the thing he loved about her most. They captivated him; if he were to stare into them for long enough he was sure that he would lose himself, forget the world, and enter a state so full of sheer bliss that he would never be able to look away. To save himself from that fate he closed his eyes before trying to distract himself with a book.

An owl flew in, crashing to the table, scattering the papers across the floor. "Bloody bird, it should consider itself lucky that I won't kill it…yet," he muttered under his breathe, angry that the bird interrupted him as he read an intriguing passage.

The yellow envelope had her name scribbled messily on its front. She hastily grabbed it, and the owl flew away, crashing into the wall behind them. "Maybe killing it would put it out of its own unfortunate misery," she heard him sneer.

She ripped apart the envelope violently, and snatched the paper out of it. She began to read the letter, seeing that it was clearly from James. Severus peered over his book, trying to see what the contents of the letter were.

Lily, my love,

Would you meet me at the Black Lake? Wear something warm. I love you, with all my heart.

-James

She smiled as she finished reading the letter. She looked at Severus, who was preoccupied with his lengthy novel. "I'm sorry, I have to go." She crumpled the letter quickly. She grabbed her things and bolted out of the room, leaving a frustrated Severus alone in the candlelit library. Normally he would have followed her, but if he were to get caught, which was highly unlikely, she wouldn't talk to him for days. He let out a breath of air as he watched her turn past the cream colored column.

She walked to the frozen lake. Her breath turned white as it hit the cold air. James was nowhere to be seen. "Bullocks," she shouted when she ran into a bush, being too preoccupied by looking for him. She continued walking down the frosted pathway, hoping she would find him soon.

He watched her as she walked closer toward him. He snickered as he watched her stumble across the pathway. She wasn't perfect, yet he loved every flaw she held, and accepted her for who she was. He stepped onto the pathway, waiting till Lily would see him. He wrapped his arms around her, and she held him there, not wanting him to let go. "Glad to see me?"

"No, it's just freezing," she giggled. He pulled her closer to him as her teeth clattered. Warmth began to engulf her just as he let go of her. "Why did you want me to come?"

"Are you saying that it isn't my divine right to ask the most beautiful woman on the face of this planet to meet me whenever I choose? Because last time I checked, I believe I had that power at my disposal."

"Arrogant man," she snorted.

"That I am." He was happy, proud even.

"Now answer my question. Why am I here on such a gloriously cold day?" She crossed her arms and thoroughly rubbed them.

A pair of white ice-skates appeared in his hands, the skates' blades shimmering in the afternoon sun. "You told me that you used to go ice-skating every winter up until sixth year. I thought you might want to renew that tradition with me, or at least I hope you will." He sounded oddly unconfident of himself. Lily had changed since Severus had plunged into her life. Now, he didn't know what she wanted from him, because it always seemed like the other man had given it to her already.

She placed her hand on his cheek, trying to comfort him. It was the unspoken words that she had heard. "Of course I would! You're great, you know that?"

He smiled widely. "Well come on try them on. I know you want to." He handed her the skates, and she sat on the ground, putting them on carefully. They fit perfectly on her feet. While she put her skates on, he transfigured his shoes in a pair of black skates. He gave his hand to her and helped her up. "Shall we?"

She nodded. They both stepped on the frozen lake, nearly stumbling together as they lost their balance. She let go of him and began to glide gracefully on the frosted green colored ice. Impressively, she skated past him. Daringly, he followed her. He caught up with her quickly. He was not as graceful, nor as good as skating as she, but it didn't matter one bit.

"You're wonderful," he said through his heavy breathes, as she passed him once more. he gave up skating a several minutes later. He sat on the edge of the lake, watching the beautiful woman before him skate is if she were a professional. As he watched he put his hand into the pocket of his coat, hoping that the object that had lied confined in it hadn't fallen out. Happily, it hadn't fallen. He smiled wider.

She saw him sitting there, watching her hungrily, for a moment she thought it were Severus instead. He was always in her mind, infesting her thoughts, and now it seemed that he had begun to encompass her so, that her world melted into a mirage. She bit her lip hard and once more she saw James watching her. And then, there Severus was, next to her, skating beside her, slightly smiling and then nodding before he passed her swiftly. She thought of the first time they skated together, she could never forget.

A boy and a girl stood at the lake on Spinner's end. It was a cold January Day. "You're insane!" an eleven year old Severus shouted at her. An eleven year old Lily forced a pair of skates into his hands. "I'm not going to even try." It was the first winter break from Hogwarts they shared, but it was also the last.

"You're then one who's insane. Now come one, put them on. You'll like it more than you think you will. Stop being so stubborn," she huffed. "The lake isn't dangerous. I do this every year, and I'm not dead."

"Yet," he finished for her. She rolled her eyes. He gave into her and put them on. As soon as he stood he met the ground. "I can't even bloody stand on these. Do you want me to die today?"

She helped him up, and held onto her for balance. "There you go, now we just have to get onto the lake and everything will be easy after that. You'll be okay, Sev."

He followed her like a lost pup onto the lake. He wobbled with every inch he moved. "If I die you are going to my funeral. You are not allowed to bring Tuney, but your parents are just fine."

"Always the drama queen." He glared at her spitefully. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry." She raised her hands in the air. "Now come on, I know you got a skater somewhere in you." He only stumbled. She skated over to him, and grabbed his hand. "Here like this." She showed him slowly, and he intently watched her feet. As he mimicked her they skated hand in hand, Severus was a bit clumsy, but improved with every passing minute. "You're doing so well! I knew you could do it."

He snorted, and then held her hand tighter. They skated together. A middle aged woman walked by, stopping to look at the children before her. After a few moments she recognized they dark haired boy as the dingy boy who lived next door. She had never once in her life seen him so happy. Lily saw the women standing there and waved to her. The women quickly left, embarrassed.

"Why are you waving?" He looked at her confusingly and then looked to the direction she was waving, but no one stood there.

Lily did not answer.

Later they were sitting next to each other in the snow. Severus took his skates off roughly, unable to wear them from the pain they caused. "Did you like it?" she asked him hopefully. He didn't reply. "I'm taking your silence as an 'I loved it'." His upper lip curled. They both started shivering from the cold. He looked at her. Something stirred inside of him oddly. Spontaneously he planted a kiss on her cheek. He turned away from her shyly, angry with himself that he had done that. Unexpectedly, she planted a kiss on his cheek in return. Foolishly, they both blushed, their faces turning even redder than they were just moments ago. Time passed silently as they held hands on that cold January evening. For two children, so young, that day had meant something so ginormous to them.

Foolishly she smiled widely and blushed at the reminiscence, touching the very spot on her cheek that Severus had kissed so many years ago. Luckily, James was too thick headed and thought that she was blushing because he had been watching her so lustfully. He motioned for her to sit next to him on the cold ground. She quickly skated over to him, impressively stopped as the ice flew in the direction left of James. "You're beautiful."

She sat next to him, and James put his arm over her shoulders. Her hair blew with the slight breeze. Lily was the most beautiful woman he had ever encountered in his life, and he wasn't about to let that go. Like the brave and romantic Gryffindor he was, he grabbed her swiftly, and right there on the cold ground he captured her lips fervently. They hadn't kissed in weeks, and he could no longer contain his urges.

Lily felt passion, love and want from him as he kissed her hungrily. She wrapped her arms around him, letting herself drift further into the sea he engulfed her in. But she failed to drown in him. Through every ounce of raw feelings he showed her and through every drop of need, she felt like she was floating in the waters mindlessly, rather than drowning in his passionate display. Toward the end, she stopped kissing him back. She parted from him, gasping for air. "I love you," he said.

"I love you too." It came out automatically, but with very little emotion. All of this had seemed so different. No longer did she feel the same for him, and it pained her that she didn't. She wanted so desperately to have those feeling burning brightly within her once more. She cared for him, yes, but what else is it now? Is that where it ends? She was completely lost, so unsure of herself and for once in her life truly and utterly terrified because of it.

Foolishly, James thought everything was the same. He felt as he if he loved her more than ever, and was sure that she felt the same, no matter his brief moments of uncertainty. Courageously, he began to speak his heart, and nothing, but it. "Lily, the day I met you the first thing I thought was, 'Merlin, she's beautiful'. I'm not going to lie, I fell hard and fast for you. I wanted you to feel the same for me, as I felt for you. It took time, but it eventually happened. Lily, I love you more than anything else in this world. I cannot live without you." He got on one knee, and took the black box out of his pocket, opening it to reveal a beautiful silver ring with an impressive diamond, beautifully perched on it. "Will you marry me?" he asked smiling hopefully.

Little did they know of the horrified man watching this take place. Just as the many years before, he watched the woman drift further away from him. Severus Snape was a broken man, so completely shattered that it would be impossible to put him back as the same person once more. Even if someone would manage it, there would still be large noticeable cracks left on him. His hands went completely numb, his eyes began to fill with tears that never spilled over and his heart, his poor darkened heart broke for yet another time, and he was sure it would infinitely do the same for the rest of his miserable life. He left them, unnoticed, praying the God above that this was a nightmare and nothing more; that he were dead, lying in limbo once more, as Dumbledore urged him to take the second chance behind his cautious words. Fate had always dealt him a foul hand.

Lily looked at James, aghast at his words. "James—I—I—"words failed her. She opened her mouth once more, but nothing came out. All she thought about was how she couldn't, how she shouldn't, and how easily she could fall into this. In spite of the life she had so carefully planned, she could only think of the one person who darkened her light so gloriously.

"Lily what is it? Tell me…please." Damn it Lily, I loved you.

"I can't do this James. I just—I need to think. I need time. This—this isn't easy. Please, I need you to understand. I—I care for you, but I need time for this all to sink in before I can say anything." Will I ever have the answer? Or will it always be I don't know? I thought that this was supposed to be easy, that the 'yes' would come out almost too quickly.

"Lily, you said you used love me. Why can't you say yes?" He closed the box, put it in his pocket and stood up. Lily then stood up.

"James, please just understand." She knew he wouldn't.

"I can't I love you Lily. I thought you loved me too."

"I care for—love you James I do. It's just—"

"—just that you don't. Lily, you said you cared for me. That isn't the same thing. If you want time, you can have it. I'll wait, but I can only wait so long." He was broken. For the first time in his entire life James Potter hadn't gotten something he so dearly wanted. Lily too was broken, but it was because of herself that was indeed broken.

Lily walked passed him, feeling tears coming she wiped her eyes and began running soon as she was far enough away from him. She ran through the empty corridors of Hogwarts, purposely trying to avoid the students so they wouldn't see her in tears. She ran through the abandoned Ravenclaw hallway. At its end she saw him, the man who had changed her forever, and no matter how much she wanted to, she couldn't hate him for it. "Severus," she choked out through her tears.

He turned to see her completely broken down. He had expected to see her happy. She reached out toward him, before her legs finally gave in. He caught her before they sank to the floor together in a heap of sorrow. He held her close to him, stroking her hair. He had always wanted her in his arms, and now he had her, but he never wanted her in his arms like this. "Lily-pad, what's wrong? Please, tell me. I can't stand you like this." For the first time since he had returned, he did not cry with her or for her. Finally the emotional surge had left him.

"Everything is wrong." Before continuing she held onto him tighter like a drowning woman, holding onto dear life with every ounce of strength she had left in her worn down body. "He—James proposed. I said no. Sev, I told him I needed time. He took at as a no. I just didn't know what to say to him. This is so hard." It's hard because every time I think of him I think of you too. Why—bloody why did you have to do this to me? "I'm doing everything wrong. But I can't do thing the right way either. Everything in world isn't right anymore." She looked into his dark eyes searching for salvation. "Sev, am I doing the right thing?"

"Only time will show if you're doing the right thing," he replied in a Dumbledore-esque manner. Just don't go back to him. Stay here in my arms forever and never, not once leave me.

"You're right. You always are. I should listen to you more often," it escaped her mouth full of sorrow. She didn't like to admit it, but every time Severus told her something, she knew he was right. She was nothing but a thick headed Gryffindor, just like he had said the others were.

"Don't worry Lily. You'll…make it through this. I…know you can…do this." He struggled comforting her. He was inexperienced in that certain area.

"Thank you," she whispered into his ear. Her warm breath tingled on his skin. She continued crying in his arms, her tears soaking his robes, but he didn't care. Every once in a while he would wipe her tears away and smile at her pitifully. He hoped not a soul would happen to wander into the hallway and find them there.

Soon she drifted from reality and entered her dreams. The last thought in her mind was how wonderful it felt to have his strong arms wrapped around her. She slept in his arms comfortably. Severus planted a kiss on the top of her head, muttering a small "I love you," before he drifted to sleep as well. At the end of the day he finally had Lily in his arms, and he was sure he would never let go.

Their hearts beat against each other steadily. Soon their beats nearly synchronized in their blissful sleep. She breathed on him, and he her. They fell would fall onto the floor, Severus still clutching her to his chest. Not once did they turn or wake up in the midst of the night. The floor was hard, but having each other made it comfortable.

That morning they found themselves together. Awkwardly they left each other. Just as Lily would walk down the halls she remembered her dream of Severus telling her he loved her. Through her sorrow she blushed at the thought. It had taken her too much time to finally reach an epiphonic state. Suddenly, it all seemed so clear why her world was forever changed, and why she would never let it go back to the way it was. Strangely she stopped denying it, and hoped with the rest of hope she had left inside her, that she wouldn't let something like that go. She intended not to.

A/N: My birthday may or may not be today or tomorrow. But as a birthday present, I would love to have many reviews, favorites, and/or follows. One can only dream.

Did you like it? I hope you did.

Another update will come tomorrow.

-E.S. Grey